It’s down to the trifecta of terrific or the triangle of terror, depending on your persepective (I won’t tell you how happy that this season is winding down but it’s something like this). It’s three for three Wednesday – three singtestants sing three songs. Bring out the big dogs, Ryan! By that I mean Beyonce in her booty shorts, of course. What did SUPERWEAVESTAR Beyonce have to say to the Idolettes? Let’s take a look and see if we liked it enough to put a ring on it.
Here’s the dealio, each Idolette will sing a song that they wanted to sing, a song selected by Jimminy Cricket, and a song chosen by the talking heads. Jimminy Cricket’s role has been quite prominent this year. Maybe he was always Oz and stepped out from behind the curtain this year but I find this new development…intriguing? But he’s not the important one here, that’s the fearsome threesome Beyonce. We were treated to a clip of Ms. Thang’s new video “Who Runs the World?” (psssst the answer appears to be girls but tell anyone I told you that). We also took a stroll down memory lane when we first encountered our final three but more on that later. There was plenty of drama! Someone falling down (it was not Beyonce – darn it)! A runner in pantyhose! Let the competition begin – ding ding!
Haley Haley Quite Contrary
Listen up, voters and potential voters. Haley is really the only, ONLY person who should win this season. The thing about her, gworl can kick and stretch and KICK the heck out of a song from any genre. She brought her daddeh on stage to jam on the guitar while she belted out a Led Zepplin song – her choice. She was killing it until she suddenly stumbled to the ground after taking a lap around the judges’ table. But she recovered better than Beyonce going headfirst down a flight of stairs. It was NOT AT ALL awkward to have Tyler chiming in on how he feels about little Haley with her father on the stage. Pretty sure I saw dad give the stink eye.
Of course she should sing Rhiannon. Of course she should. In fact, she would probably be doing Stevie a favor and just take over her tour if her performance on Dancing with the Stars is any indication of what is to come. She did a really good job while facing gale force winds. The judges’ opinions? Meh. It was “dark.”
In a final effort to claw her way into the top two, she sang the anti-Dave Coulier anthem – “You Oughta Know” – and frankly, she killed that, too. The judges? “The chorus was good.” SHUT UP! SHUT UP! Why don’t you ever shut up! Why do they hate on this girl? I was poking fun at mini-Mariah at first as well but DAMMMIT she works harder than a Thai hooker trying to win over the judges and they are unmoved. Totally. Like Stonehenge, they are completely unmoved. I have believe that this is some kind of strategy at this point. Keep the praise for her to a minimum and she will rise to the top. Wasn’t that Simon’s classic move? She’s getting “Simon’d!” At least it’s better than getting “Steven’d,” though I’m not sure that’s off the table.
Scotty McDreery:
Scotty is getting more shots of testosterone than Lance Armstrong (prove it!).
Scotty is getting more shots of testosterone than Arnold schwarzenegger (gross).
Scotty is getting more shots of testosterone than Chaz Bono (too easy).
Scotty is getting more shots of testosterone than this lady (all natural).
Kidding! Nobody’s getting shots of testosterone…well, Chaz is but the rest aren’t. Not even Scotty the Body (Seacreast trademark symbol). His voice is just so deep that it sounds painful at times. How old is he again? 17? Yeah, that’s not natural to have your voice hit puberty when the rest of your body hasn’t. Does he even shave? Does he need to? Speaking of puberty – whoa whoa whoa whoa! I had not heard Junior McCreery sing “Baby Lock Them Doors” during his audition. Fans self. Um, that was an inappropriate reaction, body! Stop it, body! Thankfully, any (involuntary) feelings of affection for Junior McCreery were quelched with his next song. Just more deep, deep, deeeeeep twangy twang twang with a guitar.
What is the point of the judges? They say Scotty sang “She believes in me” well but he did not. Not any better than any dude drunk on a Friday night at your local kareoke bar. Like his dad when he sang “Baby lock the doors” which was really cute! Because he’s of age! Not cute when Opie sings it.
Borin’ Lauren
Lauren sang. Three times. In a shocking move, Glinda Lauren sang “I Hope You Dance” and it was a wonderful song to fall asleep to. I felt like Delilah had just sent a long distance dedication from Marcy in Alabama to her daughter who is graduating from high school and going off to the junior college. What else is there to say, really? It’s as though the number and size of accessories she wears is in direct opposite proportion to how exciting her song is. Boring song – bigger earrings! J.Lizzo was right that she has a lovely tone but there is always something missing. She smiles. She’s sweet. She’s young, and I get it. But she’s just not ready to be the Idol. She was up there gleaming like My Little Pony with all that hair and color and sparkles but in the end, she’s still just the winner of the high school talent show.
Going home: Jacob Lusk and Lauren Alaina
UPDATE: The long commercial that is the Idol results show has begun. J.J. Abrams is there to pimp his movie and give the kids cameras that look like they came from a cracker jack box. Elle Fanning manages to out annoy Amy Poehler’s SNL version of her sister Dakota. What I’m sure is a creation of Mr. Cowell, the Italian hipster Menudo came out and sang.
First on the long road home, Haley heads to Chicago where it is pouring rain. Yes, it literally rained on her parade. Foreshadowing? Foreboding? Foreplay?
Second was Scotty McTeary who cried through his entire visit. There was not a time when he wasn’t boo-hooing and asking to go home to Ryan. He’s a real American – from playing on the baseball team, down to being a bagger in a grocery store.
Nicole Lemonzingers came out looking like a picked over ostrich and doing what she does, which is look hot. The crazy this is that there are so many country crooning fans in the audience, they didn’t seem to even recognize when Fiddy Cent came out.
So then we got down the results and the three stand up there, girl-boy-girl, Lauren-Scotty-Haley. The safest bet in all of history goes to sit down first, leaving the drama between the ladies. Well, well, well. I guess give the country contingent this year that it shouldn’t be surprising that Lauren’s name was called as the second finalist. Good gravy this is just the most dreadful year. Not because it’s country music – Carrie Underwood is clearly a solid talent. But this year, this country is just so incredibly bland and sickening. It gives the same kind of feeling you get when you eat too many mini-marshmellows – nauseated, ashamed, and embarrassed.
So how does Haley go out? Like a cat in heat. It was just too much cherry on top. Every once in a while, the camera would catch the two country mice staring blankly at Haley as she strutted and swayed and shimmied around the stage and you could hear their chastity belts tighten. So this is it. The worst year of Idol in along time will mercifully come to an end next week, and I, you, will be free.