We have reached the merciful, God-fearing, flag covered, chastity belt wearing, boot scoot boogeying end of this, the longest season on American Idol history. J.Lo’s legs couldn’t squeeze more cheese out of this show had they been wrapped around Seacrest’s neck. In summary, it was a little bit country and not at all rock and roll – a good old fashioned ho-down!
It was an hour of relentless twang-twang-twanga-twangy-twang and fabricated drama – very reminiscent of Hee-Haw. Country singers Scotty and Body (Seacrest TM) and Borin’ Lauren made for the youngest Idol final ever and you could tell. They stood on the Kodak Theater stage on either side of Seabiscuit (who was sporting a tuxedo for some reason – maybe because it was after six and he’s not a farmer), giggling and grinning like they were getting ready to go in their first date and it was prom night. They weren’t glaring at each other, or frothing from the mouth with clenched fists and heaving chests. Nope. They were just blissfully standing and staring, waiting for the singing to be over. They had sung these songs a bazillion times in their bedrooms at home so this was no big thing to do it one more time.
Scotty won the special Seacrest tossed salad coin toss, and like a real gee-yen-tul-ma-yan, he let the little lady Lauren go second. This little lady, while trying to make something out of the nothing that were her songs – much like sucking that last bit of meat out of the crayfish’s ass – broke her vocal cords during rehearsal. Brokety broke them. It’s like when you are winging down the highway at 75 miles per hour and suddenly have a tire blow out. You panic, then you slow down and hump along into the emergency lane, fap, fap, fapping all the way. But like Kerri Strug in the 1996 Summer Olympics, she stood at the end of the vault runway, ready to stick the one-footed landing. Not that it matters – Scotty has this locked up tighter than a Jonas brother’s virginity. The ladies young and old can’t resist, as our own Captain Snarky so gracefully and accurately put it, the “assbirthed result of a drunken threeway between George W. Bush, Howdy Doody and Alfred E. Neumann.” This is all a dog and pony show to Get Him to the Greek (funny movie, bee tee dubs), get Scotty his express pass to Nashville.
Since this is our last time to talk about the judges, let’s do that. Randy was dressed like Boys II Men circa before they got a record contract. He was wearing an ill-fitting burnt sienna and black polyester, double-breasted blazer with shiny, over-sized lapels – I don’t what, Dawg. He was most definitely not in it to win it. Jenny from the Dump looked like she just escaped from the Dancing with the Stars finale in a hoochie mermaid get-up that of course displayed her Venus legs. The Old Lady was on some special sauce last night. There wasn’t a feather, pattern or accoutrement that she didn’t put on to go accompany that “look” she gives the lady singtestants. Tyler leers at them like they are a steak dinner. Anyhoo, the three stooges sat there in obedient silence through the first two songs and when called upon to critique the first two rounds, they stumbled like they were presenting their dissertation. Uh, it’s not that complicated. It never is. It was all just kissing up and yay! Everyone gets a gold star.
As for the performances, is there an adult contemporary version of country radio? If not, they just made it. It was the musical equivalent of sitting in a room with egg-shell colored walls, eating a bowl of vanilla ice cream, while wearing Dockers.
Scotty:
His first song was “Gawn” or something like that. He gulped and yelped and the audience went nutso. Then his smug mug crooned a George Strait tune while strumming on his gee-tar. He really is JUST. SO. SMUG. I just want to sweep his legs but I’m sure he would jauntily jump over them without missing a beat. He is that package of false humility and privilege, topped off with a 10 gallon hat. Hmmm, where have I seen this before? It may seem harsh because he is still 17 but that IS the problem. He’s only seventeen and is just oozes smugness. He didn’t even cut his hair like the demon-mother J.Lo asked him to. RUDE!
His first single when he wins, will be a little ditty called “I Love You This Big.” EXCUSE ME? That is just dirty! I am shocked! What’s this now? It’s about outstretched arms? Oh whatever. Afterwards, The Old Lady dropped this gem: “You can make a 3-point shot from under the net.” Basketball analogies are so hard.
Lauren:
Apparently someone let Paula back into the wardrobe room because man-o-man was Lauren bedazzeld. There wasn’t a part of her body that wasn’t covered in glitter and rhinestones. Again, boring factor up, accessories are on 10. As for her singing, I wonder who Lauren looks up to? Considering she sang two Carrie Underwood songs, Imma go with her. I don’t even think Lauren is trying to kiss up to anyone or invoke the ghost of the past Idol winner. I think she just lurves her some Carrie and always imagined that she could be Carrie but never imagined that she would actually be on the same stage that Carrie was on.
“Like My Mama Does” will not be Lauren’s first single because she will not win, but I’m guessing this is the song on which she blew out her vocal cords since it was meant to be a soaring ode to her Mama. I’m not going to talk about somebody’s mama but let’s just say that after the crocodile tear-fest that was this last song, there was a river of black eyeliner flowing down the aisles of the Kodak.
Baby Lock Them Doors will safely be donning the Idol crown tonight, but that’s hardly the question. Even if the country vote gets split (and that is the only group who is voting because why does anyone else care), it won’t matter because there will still be more who vote for Scotty. The real question is whether Nigel Lythgoe, in his infinite wisdom, will let this be the end of the Idol era. Idol winners are only as good as they are, meaning the show doesn’t carry the industry and music sales weight that it once did. You can’t force winners down the throats of music fans anymore. Think about it, in 10 years of top 10 contestants, how many can you name that have had long-term success? Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood and Jennifer Hudson. That’s it. Sure, Fantasia had made a run, with a couple of hits and her turn on Broadway in “The Color Purple.” Clay Aiken had some success but ever since he came out as gay and had a baby with a cougar, nary a note has been sung – at least that I know of. Even Adam Lampert seems to have shrieked his last shriek and has slinked off into a leather and metal lair.
No, this is the end of Idol, or at least it should be. It has lost it’s edge; time to put the baby to bed. Ryan will be fine, with only 162 hours of Ryan Seacrest TV time each week. Shudder. As for the judges, well I suspect Randy will be back on tour with Journey soon. J.Lo will be busy making an ill-advised comeback and Tyler apparently has a new single, the video for which seems to be “Crazy” the 20th Anniversary Edition. It was a good run, but the race is over. Everyone has gone home.
UPDATE: Like Vanessa Williams said: sometimes you save the best for last. I imagine Nigel on his knees begging for guest artists to perform on the finale since 1) it was an all country final two, and 2) it was the most boring thing since your niece’s junior high graduation. There either must have been a lot of people in the music industry with nothing else to do tonight or who wanted to see Nigel on his knees because this was a heck of a show. The finale is basically a commercial for the summer tours, including the idols, with group numbers a plenty. But it was a big show, so let’s talk about the highlights.
Beyonce was back to sing a medley with the laydeez of Idol. Aside from them looking like the cast of Glee on the Halloween episode, this was pretty good! The girl from Miami was much better than her Selena impersonations form earlier in the season and Naima was still on 10 – so that’s fun. She kicked and stretched and kicked! Pia (should have won) sounded and looked damn good and fucking knew it.
Tim McArms nomnomnomnom came out in his big black hat and sang “Live Like You Were Dying.” I was having a “moment” when that that big-eared cranium with a smirk strolled out on stage. MOMENT RUINED!
Let’s see OH YEAH! Marc Anthony husband of questionable deservitude came out and sang a hot, HAWT numero with the wifey shaking her highly insured bootwah and Sheila Motherfucking E on the skins like badass. Probably the best moment of night.
Some other stuff happened. Then Bey-Bey came out again to beg for her man -she’s a complicated lady. Between “Who Runs The World (Girls)” and her yelling for her man to make lovey love love to her, I just don’t know who she is: Sasha Fierce or Beyonce who didn’t wax her eyebrows.
I suppose given our origins (you out there AD?), I would be remiss in failing to mention “Spiderman: Turn Off the Dark” having a spot and the few dumb yougins who didn’t know, or didn’t show that U2 was on the stage. Show respect for your elders you children of high fructose corn syrup!
The the crazy Old Lady Paula somehow found her way to the stage and um, delivered a killer, if not brief performance of “Dream On” – a note to all the ladies of Idol who didn’t make it to the final. Big ups to her.
And we are finally at the crowning moment that this shitshow has brought us to. DIM THE LIGHTS YOU ASSHOLES! (Ryan’s words, not mine). You’re 2011 American Idol is that guy. It’s nice that after 10 years, they decided to give an actual award to the winner so Ryan could carry it. Scotty began to sing and then work the crowd and cast-aways like a pro. It’s just weird how practiced he is. Even his tears were dry. So, there he is. Sarah Palin’s running mate. Puke.
Here’s a run-down of who I would have talked about had I thought you would care: the Kirk Franklin, Gladys Knight, Jacob Lusk trio – pretty good!; Jack Black and Casey Abrams – dumb; Haley and Tony Bennett – her wheelhouse; Lady Gaga – again; TLC and the Idol ladeez – lip-sync city; Tom Jones looking like burnt toast; Carrie Underwood – ya don’t say.
It’s been fun doing this for the six of you who watch Idol. DQ out!
Second photo via Access Hollywood