Stop me if you’ve heard this one before: A country singer, a gospel singer, a rocker, Alfred E. Newman and a harlot walk into a bar. There they meet an Old Lady named Paula, a Dawg and a woman named Jenny who was just walking around the block and stopped in to ask for directions. In the bar, they see a stage with a lone microphone dangling from the hand of a tiny, tiny, tiny man in a suit. They decide to have a good old fashion singing competition…
This week, each singtestant gets to sing two songs—one from today, one from their parents’ generation. I guess it’s a good thing this isn’t “16 and Pregnant.” In came Miss Sheryl Crow to help school our little Idols, which frankly, was the best part of this week. Break out your Randy Jackson dictionary, kids, because all of his greatest hits are coming out tonight! While we’re breaking out books, can someone get The Old Lady a thesaurus? Not everything can be beautiful. It’s just not. Let’s look at them in marching order.
James Durbin:
First song: He really is a giant, isn’t he? That James kid. When he was rehearsing with Sheryl Crow, this song by Jared Leto’s band (I know. I know.) sounded awesome. Like, really good. And then it didn’t. I suppose that’s because Sheryl Crow wasn’t singing. Notice how when he hits those high notes, his left arm loses all function and just dangles like a windsock on a windless day. FREAKY! But he’s ready for [empty] stadiums! I’ll buy a ticket right after you do, J.Lo!
Second song: I can’t live, if livin’ is without you. HA! Just kidding. Yes, I can. Especially if you are going to sing through your nose while barely keeping it together. You aren’t Michael Jackson and this isn’t “She’s Out of My Life.” But I guess if you cry during your performance, it doesn’t matter that the song was sung ENTIRELY OFF KEY?! It was all a set-up for the “special moment” he and Seabiscuit shared afterwards. Ryan will comfort you. He will hold you and pet you and keep you for his very own.
Jacob Lusk
First song: When did Tyler Perry enter the competition? Tell me how I’m supposed to breathe with No Air when you are sucking it all out of the room, Jacob. I’m about to get Chris Brown on Good Morning America up in this piece! Singing a duet all by yourself? Do you have a puppet in your pocket? Screechy, gross, and incredibly self-indulgent.
Second song: “This is a rock song. I don’t know, homey?” Homey? What you talkin’ ’bout, Tyler? Love hurts and this hurt me more than it hurt you, Jacob. Teeeeerrrr-UST me on this one, kay? I just can’t watch him while he sings. I can’t. It’s like watching a dog chew peanut butter but not at all funny. That last note shattered all the windows in the joint.
Lauren Alaina
First song: What’s this now? Trisha Yearwood, Jr. is singing, a gulp, Carrie Underwood song? Sacre Bleu! Dios Mio! Ya don’t say? But yo dawg, this was right in her wheelhouse. She borrowed some chains from the very sensitive Giant Baby Gay Kurt (he didn’t need them for his BIG BALLAD) and stomped and ching-changa-langed around that stage like someone who is not 16, I guess? Really, how could she get this wrong? TRICK! That’s a trick question! She can’t. Especially when she has a maniac fiddle player next to her. Get on with your bad self and your thigh bandage!
Second song: Someone told Lauren that Simon isn’t judging anymore, right? So “Unchained Melody” really doesn’t have the weight it used to. Can anyone tell me how it was because I nodded off during most of it. It was as sweet and sugary as McDonald’s Sweet Tea and about as safe the bosom of Laura Bush.
Scotty McCreery
First song: Somewhere, Clay Aiken is paying verrrrry close attention to this season. Country crooner actually scared me when he charged off the stage – not because I was afraid he would fall (I would have laughed) but just it was…awkward. Like when the boy at school finally decides to ask you out and he just runs up to you while your at your locker getting your books for the next class. It’s unsettling. He was justa hopping, skipping and jumping around, or as The Old Lady said, he was “dancing with the devil” and it was “beautiful.” Nurse! The meds need some adjusting again.
Second song: Oh good grief, I suppose his rendition of “You Were Always on My Mind” was good. It’s right in his wheelhouse, dawg. Low and slow, wins the race. This will for sure be a fan favorite for the spandex-wearing, big-haired, cowboy-booted crowd at the Mohegan Sun. Maybe they’ll get up and slow-dance in the aisles, and then head back out to the slot machines, that little bit of prom 1951 playing the back of their heads, over the sounds of a single nickel falling into the tray below.
Haley Carey
First song: Single-handedly bringing back Mariah’s hair and phantom hand (happy birthday Moroccan and Monroe!) she got to sing an unreleased Lady Gaga song! What in the land of little monsters is that about? Is Gaga a fan?! Jimminy Cricket must have something over Gaga, but what could that be—we’ve seen EVERYTHING she’s ever done. Well it was a big mistake. Big mistake. HUGE! I have to go shopping now.
Second song: Something was definitely rising in Steven Tyler’s leather pants as the crimped wonder growled and howled “The House of the Rising Sun.” I guess everyone just wants to forget that that little elfin wood nymph Siobhan sang this song last season and killed it. But Little Miss Mariah had her “moment” with an a capella start to the song. Hmmm, notice how the ladies are had a better night with a lady mentor. Coincidence? I think not.
Bottom Two: Tyler Perry and OGBK
UPDATE:
Here we go. Seahorse is all blah blah blah oh hey! There’s Gordan Ramsey. He seems a natural for a quick cameo on the show. We’ve been missing some good ‘ol British assholy-ness since Simon’s departure. Becks’ best friend has the Idolettes make some omelettes and Jacob manages to make me dislike him even more! Who IS this guy? He just isn’t real. He can’t be. What he cooked up is what I produced from my stomach after watching his ridiculousness. I can just hear his mama, “Baby! Don’t you worry about those haters! You do you!” Yes, moms are great for that but he really, really needs to reel it in. I’m afraid it’s way too late for that, though.
Dim the lights and start the twinkly music…let’s hear what Jimminy Cricket was thinking: James “Overgrown Baby Gay Kurt” Durbin let his emotions get to him – duh but he still gets a NINE! Out of 100? Do I smell some favoritism? Head on over to the area of the cheap seats. Lauren? Jimminy thinks your sap-fest sunk you. Head over to the OPPOSITE side of the OBGK.
The 10 minute long J.LO commercial begins and then Haley goes and stands with OBGK and Jacob goes and stands with Lauren and Scotty is told to go stand with the group he thinks is safe and he doesn’t so Seacretin walks him over to OBGK…oh let’s just cut to the chase. JACOB IS GONE! In the words on N’SYNC, he’s gone! Also in the words of N’SYNC – BYE BYE BYE! BYE BYE! Why is N’SYNC always talking about leaving? Anyway, Jacob had zero humility in his exit. He told Ryan that the world had fallen in love with him and so he was cool with leaving. So they gave him the mic (dammit) and screech and scream and hollar and just generally be ridiculous he did until my DVR literally cut him off, putting me out of my misery.
And Lauren, your insta-waterworks did not go unnoticed. Put on your Big Girl Pants and act like you learned something through this experience and not like you just found out that Haley and Fozzie Bear are boinking? is going to prom with the boy you had a secret crush on.
I’m not going to say that we all know how this is going to end, but tonight, Baby Lock Them Doors.
DQ, out!