OMG! Ponies!

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Internet Gadfly, Speaker For The Dead, and Used Spaceship Salesman. OMG! Ponies! has been drummed out of pretty much every organization that he has been a part of (except for the Brooklyn Steppers Drum Corps, which instead just shunned him Mennonite-style). When he's not using the Force to sleep with women or selling pipeweed laced with PCP in the Shire, he's wasting time on teh Internets when he's supposed to be working. Likes include long walks on Arrakis, the desert planet that is home of the Spice, hunting moose (and squirrel to a lesser extent), a collecting shiny objects and small bits of string for his nest. Dislikes include New York Yankees fans, oppressive humidity, and genetically-modified megalomaniacs from the late 20th Century put into cryogenic stasis and left to drift into space. You can find him at http://twitter.com/#!/OMG_Ponies and http://www.omg-ponies.com

In Defense Of The First Amendment

Our wonderful colleague Salome Valentine, hot on the heels of this week’s ruling in Snyder v. Phelps (holding WBC’s picketing of a military funeral to be Constitutionally-protected speech), highlighted an earlier decision by this Court dealing with a similar issue.  As correctly noted by her, in US v. Stevens, the Supreme Court struck down a 1999 law that outlawed “crush videos” – despicable videos that show the torment and death of animals whereby a (typically small) animal is crushed by a woman, done for the sexual (masturbatory) gratification.  I do not understand this fetish.  Few do and it appears to fall so far outside the bounds of ordinary human decency – and even depravity – that few are willing to discuss it in depth or at length.

Nevertheless, the Supreme Court struck down a law that outlawed these videos, seeming to put the imprimatur of permissibility out conduct that falls well beyond the pale.  This is not true.  In fact, what Chief Justice John Roberts’ opinions in both Stevens and Snyder show is a deep abiding devotion to the letter and spirit of the First Amendment.  This devotion is apparent in the plain-spoken and highly accessible manner in which Justice Roberts wrote his opinions.

I have excerpted the notable and relevant portions of Roberts’ opinions.  Once you read them, I hope you will see that, at least when it comes to the First Amendment, John Roberts is a needed bulwark against the likes of Samuel Alito.  Where you see quotes, that is Justice Roberts citing to a prior case. I have omitted the cited case names and citations for brevity’s sake because Justice Roberts does, in fact, hew close to prior rulings:

Whether the First Amendment prohibits holding Westboro liable for its speech in this case turns largely  on whether that speech is of public or private concern, as determined by all the circumstances of the case. “[S]peech on ‘matters of public concern’ . . . is ‘at the  heart of the First Amendment’s protection.’” The First Amendment reflects “a profound national commitment to the principle that debate on public issues should be uninhibited, robust, and wide-open.”  That is because “speech concerning public affairs is more than self-expression; it is the essence of self-government.” Accordingly, “speech on public issues occupies the highest rung  of the hierarchy of First Amendment values, and is entitled to special protection.”

The “content” of Westboro’s signs plainly relates to broad issues of interest to society at large, rather than matters of  “purely private concern.” While these messages may  fall short  of refined social or political commentary, the issues they highlight—the political and moral conduct of the United States and its citizens, the fate of our Nation, homosexuality in the  military, and scandals involving the Catholic clergy—are matters of public import.  The signs certainly convey Westboro’s position on those issues,  in a manner designed… to reach as broad a public audience as possible.  And even if a few of  the signs—such as “You’re Going  to Hell” and “God  Hates You”—were viewed as containing messages related to Matthew Snyder or the Snyders specifically, that would not change the fact that the overall thrust and dominant theme of Westboro’s demonstration spoke to broader public issues.

Westboro had been actively engaged in speaking on the subjects addressed in its picketing long before it became aware of Matthew Snyder, and there can be no serious claim that Westboro’s picketing did not represent its “honestly believed” views on public issues. There was no preexisting relationship or conflict  between Westboro and Snyder that might suggest Westboro’s speech on public matters was intended to mask an attack on Snyder over a private matter.

Westboro conducted its picketing peacefully on matters of public concern at a public place adjacent to a public street.  Such space occupies a “special position in terms of First Amendment protection.” “[W]e have repeatedly referred to public streets as the archetype of a traditional public forum,” noting that “ ‘[t]ime out of mind’ public streets and sidewalks have been used for public assembly and debate.”

That said,  “[e]ven protected speech is not equally permissible in all places and at all times.” Westboro’s choice of where and when to conduct its picketing is not beyond the Government’s regulatory reach—it is “subject to reasonable time, place, or manner restrictions” that are consistent with the standards announced in this Court’s precedents.

Maryland’s law, however, was not  in effect at the time of the events at issue here,  so we have no occasion to consider how it might apply to facts such as those before us, or whether it or other similar regulations are constitutional.

Simply put, the church members had the right to be where they were.  Westboro alerted local authorities to its funeral protest and fully complied with police guidance on where the picketing could be staged.   The picketing was conducted  under police supervision some 1,000 feet from the church, out of the sight of those at the church.   The protest was not unruly; there was no shouting, profanity, or violence.

The record confirms that any  distress occasioned by Westboro’s picketing turned on the content and viewpointof the message conveyed, rather than any interference with the funeral itself.   A  group of parishioners standing at the very spot where Westboro stood, holding signs that said “God Bless America” and “God Loves You,” would not have been subjected to liability. It was  what Westboro said that exposed it to tort damages.

Given that Westboro’s speech was at a public place on a matter of public concern, that speech is entitled to “special protection” under the First Amendment.  Such speech cannot be restricted simply because it is upsetting or arouses contempt.  “If there is a bedrock principle underlying the First Amendment, it is that the government may not prohibit the expression of an idea simply because society finds the idea itself offensive or disagreeable.” Indeed, “the point of all speech protection is to shield just those choices of content that in someone’s eyes are misguided, or even hurtful.”

“in public debate [we] must tolerate insulting, and even outrageous, speech in order to provide adequate ‘breathing space’ to the freedoms protected by the First Amendment.”

What Westboro said, in the whole context of how and where it chose to say it, is entitled to “special protection” under the First Amendment, and that protection cannot be overcome by a jury finding that the picketing was outrageous. For all these reasons, the jury  verdict imposing tort liability on Westboro for intentional infliction of emotional distress must be set aside.

In most circumstances, “the Constitution does not permit the government to decide which types of otherwise protected speech are  sufficiently offensive to require protection for the unwilling listener or  viewer. Rather, . . . the burden normally falls upon  the viewer  to avoid further bombardment of [his] sensibilities simply by averting [his] eyes.”

As a general matter, we have applied the captive audience doctrine only sparingly to protect unwilling listeners from protected speech.  For  example, we have upheld  a statute allowing a homeowner to restrict the delivery of offensive mail to his home and an ordinance prohibiting picketing “before or about” any individual’s residence.

Here, Westboro stayed well away from the  memorial service.  Snyder could see no more than the tops of the signs when driving to the funeral.  And there is no indication that the picketing in any  way interfered with the funeral service itself.  We decline to expand the captive audience doctrine to the circumstances presented here. Because we find that the First Amendment bars Snyder from recovery for intentional infliction of emotional distress or intrusion upon seclusion—the alleged unlawful activity Westboro conspired to accomplish—we must likewise hold that Snyder cannot recover for civil conspiracy based on those torts.

Our holding today is narrow.

Westboro believes that America is morally flawed; many Americans might feel  the same about Westboro.   Westboro’s funeral picketing is certainly hurtful and its contribution to public discourse may be negligible.   But Westboro addressed matters of public import on public property, in a peaceful manner, in full compliance with the guidance of local officials.  The speech was indeed planned to coincide with Matthew Snyder’s funeral, but did not itself disrupt that funeral, and Westboro’s choice to conduct its picketing at that time and place did not alter the nature of its speech.

Speech is powerful.  It can stir people to action, move them to tears of both joy and sorrow, and—as it did here—inflict great pain.  On the facts before us, we cannot react to that pain by punishing the speaker.   As  a Nation we have chosen a different course—to protect  even hurtful speech on  public issues to  ensure that we  do not stifle public debate.  That choice requires that we shield Westboro from tort liability for its picketing in this case.

From US v. Stevens:

“From 1791 to the present,” however, the First Amendment has “permitted restrictions upon the content of speech in a few limited areas,” and has never “include[d] a freedom to disregard these traditional limitations.” These “historic and traditional categories long familiar to the bar,”  – including obscenity, defamation, fraud, incitement, and speech integral to criminal conduct —are “well-defined and narrowly limited classes of speech, the prevention and punishment of which have never been thought to raise any Constitutional problem.

The Government argues that “depictions of animal cruelty” should be added to the list. It contends that depictions of “illegal acts of animal cruelty” that are “made, sold, or possessed for commercial gain” necessarily “lack expressive value,” and may accordingly “be regulated as unprotected speech.”  The claim is not just that Congress may regulate depictions of animal cruelty subject to the First Amendment, but that these depictions are outside the reach of that Amendment altogether— that they fall into a “`First Amendment Free Zone.'”

As the Government notes, the prohibition of animal cruelty itself has a long history in American law, starting with the early settlement of the Colonies. Reply Brief 12, n. 8; see, e.g., The Body of Liberties § 92 (Mass. Bay Colony 1641) (“No man shall exercise any Tirany or Cruelty towards any bruit Creature which are usually kept for man’s use“). But we are unaware of any similar tradition excluding depictions of animal cruelty from “the freedom of speech” codified in the First Amendment, and the Government points us to none.

Instead, the Government points to Congress’s “`legislative judgment that . . . depictions of animals being intentionally tortured and killed [are] of such minimal redeeming value as to render [them] unworthy of First Amendment protection,'” and asks the Court to uphold the ban on the same basis. The Government thus proposes that a claim of categorical exclusion should be considered under a simple balancing test: “Whether a given category of speech enjoys First Amendment protection depends upon a categorical balancing of the value of the speech against its societal costs.”

As a free-floating test for First Amendment coverage, that sentence is startling and dangerous. The First Amendment’s guarantee of free speech does not extend only to categories of speech that survive an ad hoc balancing of relative social costs and benefits. The First Amendment itself reflects a judgment by the American people that the benefits of its restrictions on the Government outweigh the costs. Our Constitution forecloses any attempt to revise that judgment simply on the basis that some speech is not worth it. The Constitution is not a document “prescribing limits, and declaring that those limits may be passed at pleasure.” Marbury v. Madison, 1 Cranch 137, 178, 2 L.Ed. 60 (1803).

We read § 48 to create a criminal prohibition of alarming breadth. To begin with, the text of the statute’s ban on a “depiction of animal cruelty” nowhere requires that the depicted conduct be cruel. That text applies to “any . . . depiction” in which “a living animal is intentionally maimed, mutilated, tortured, wounded, or killed.” § 48(c)(1). “[M]aimed, mutilated, [and] tortured” convey cruelty, but “wounded” or “killed” do not suggest any such limitation.

The only thing standing between defendants who sell such depictions and five years in federal prison—other than the mercy of a prosecutor—is the statute’s exceptions clause. Subsection (b) exempts from prohibition “any depiction that has serious religious, political, scientific, educational, journalistic, historical, or artistic value.” The Government argues that this clause substantially narrows the statute’s reach: News reports about animal cruelty have “journalistic” value; pictures of bullfights in Spain have “historical” value; and instructional hunting videos have “educational” value.

Quite apart from the requirement of “serious” value in § 48(b), the excepted speech must also fall within one of the enumerated categories. Much speech does not. Most hunting videos, for example, are not obviously instructional in nature, except in the sense that all life is a lesson. According to Safari Club International and the Congressional Sportsmen’s Foundation, many popular videos “have primarily entertainment value” and are designed to “entertai[n] the viewer, marke[t] hunting equipment, or increas[e] the hunting community.” The Government offers no principled explanation why these depictions of hunting or depictions of Spanish bullfights would be inherently valuable while those of Japanese dogfights are not. The dissent contends that hunting depictions must have serious value because hunting has serious value, in a way that dogfights presumably do not. Post, at ___-___. But § 48(b) addresses the value of the depictions, not of the underlying activity. There is simply no adequate reading of the exceptions clause that results in the statute’s banning only the depictions the Government would like to ban.

This prosecution is itself evidence of the danger in putting faith in government representations of prosecutorial restraint. When this legislation was enacted, the Executive Branch announced that it would interpret § 48 as covering only depictions “of wanton cruelty to animals designed to appeal to a prurient interest in sex.” See Statement by President William J. Clinton upon Signing H.R. 1887, 34 Weekly Comp. Pres. Doc. 2557 (Dec. 9, 1999). No one suggests that the videos in this case fit that description. The Government’s assurance that it will apply § 48 far more restrictively than its language provides is pertinent only as an implicit acknowledgment of the potential constitutional problems with a more natural reading.

Again, in Stevens, Justice Alito was the lone dissent.

Does the Supreme Court love or even approve of animal cruelty or the needless infliction of emotional anguish on a grieving parent?  Not one jot.   What Justice Stevens’ opinion show is compassion and desire for a moral society in America that is governed equally before the law.

Please read these opinions if you get a chance. They are written in plain English and speak volumes to just how valuable the First Amendment is.  I find myself revisiting my prejudices towards Justice Roberts, based on him being appointed by President George W. Bush.  In reading these two cases, I am glad to see that someone of his intellect is, in fact, safeguarding the First Amendment.

Afternoon Numbers: SF Edition

In a startling change from past designs, the iPad 2 will be 10' long, 5' wide, and weigh 1,200 lbs. It's designed for the burgeoning hill giant demographic.

Absolutely nothing interesting happened today.  Nothing whatsoever was announced at the Moscone Center in San Francisco today.  There was nothing doing with tablet computing.

Okay, so I’m lying.  Apple announced the iPad 2: Electric Bugaloo today.  It’s 30% thinner, twice as powerful, five times as intuitive, and 100% more magical.  It’ll prolly cost the same as the iPad 1: The Phantom Menace when that one came out.  Should you buy it?  I don’t know.  I don’t have an iPad and there’s probably better things out there to spend money on in the middle of a recession.  Shock of shocks, AAPL closed up 2.81 (.8 %) to $352.12.   The DJIA was up by a hair (.07%) to close up 8.78 at 12,066.80.  The NSDQ did a shade better, closing up .39% to close up 10.66 at 2,48.07.  Meanwhile, the redheaded stepchild bastard S&P closed up a modest .16% to close at 1,308.44, up 2.11.

In other news, Charlie Sheen is doing much better without a publicist, offering a subdued interview to CNN saying that he is sorry that his children were taken away by the police and that he understands that the police are doing their jobs and blah blah blah.  Bottom line: there was no reference to goddesses, tiger blood, winning, or Adonis DNA.  So Charlie Sheen’s stock is up… meaning that it’s up from $.02 to $.025

In other insanity news, Qaddafi almost killed a bunch of reporters from CNN when the Libyan Air Force dropped a bomb.  To be clear, the reporters were in Libya.  They were almost killed because Qaddafi is now bombing his own people.

On the “Who Hates Jews Today?” front, there haven’t been any reports of anti-semitic slurs against the Chosen People.  Then again, we do control the media so maybe my people have just gone with not publicizing the anti-Semitism.

In conclusion, we need a cure for cancer. Obviously Steve Jobs has an uncanny ability to meld sleek design, consumer electronics, hip marketing, and planned obsolescence into one shiny package and as long as we all keep buying iPads and iPhones, the economy will be fine.  Charlie Sheen should “free-ball” his publicity from now on and nothing bad will happen as a result of him being on Twitter.  And the current leader on the PGA Insanity Open is Qadaffi, who last was heard saying, “The American president will leave office, the European leaders will leave their offices, and Gadhafi will still be a leader.”

And Charlie Sheen is WINNING!

Andy Cohen Wants To Kill Children

I love modern society. Charlie Sheen claims that he is a winner at life. The French are shocked – SHOCKED! – that there is anti-semitism within their borders.  And the Oscars stunk.  Not because Anne Hathaway had a bad case of dramaqueenitis. Not because James Franco spent the evening somewhere in the upper reaches of the ionosphere.

According to Andy Cohen of Bravo!, the Oscars stunk because of children.  Public school children.  In choruses.  Wearing tee-shirts.  And behaving like children.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

 

The pearls of wisdom roll in after the 3-minute mark. “There was a thing called ‘Up With People’ in the ’70s or ’80s. Here’s what: Oscar night is not about Up With People. Like, I don’t need to see that. It was just bad. It was just awful. It was horrible.”  Now this is a man I can get behind.  Screw you, optimism!

And the solution: kill the children.  “A public school chorus singing “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.” I literally — if I wasn’t going to go out to some parties I would have slit ’em right then. It was the worst. I was looking for a knife to stick in my eyes, it was so terrible.”

And the Academy Award for Best Performance By A Douchebag goes to Andy Cohen for his portrayal of Patrick Bateman in American Psycho III: I Want To Slit The Throats Of School Kids.

Personally, I can’t think of anything better than a rich white man telling a group of kids from the crappier sections of Staten Island that “You just ruined everything.”  Yeah, and those public school teachers need a paycut. I’m sick and tired of them drinking Cristal at after hours clubs and being chauferred to work in Maybachs.

UPDATE: Because of a lot of “Who the heck are these kids and why did they sing at the Oscars” flying around the Net, I did a little reading (at their website).  The Chorus has been written up a lot of times over the last 5 years.  They hit it big when one of their YouTube performances of a Tori Amos song was sent to Perez Hilton, who loved it and posted it.  It wound up getting well over a million hits.

An excerpt from a NYT article on them:

“And Mr. Breinberg [a/k/a Mr. B, the chorus’ director], in turn, seems to feel a deep affection for his singers. ‘There’s a great feeling in seeing these kids — some of whom have been abused, neglected, who have nothing to look forward to when they get home — and knowing that when they come in to my class to sing, you can just see the depth of their emotional experience come through,’ he said.”

They’re also part of the “Save The Music” type efforts to keep music and arts programs in public schools (often first on the chopping block).

It really gives perspective to whom exactly Andy Cohen was shitting on.  I’ve got no problem with him having an opinion.  I do tend to draw a line on publicly dumping on children.  You don’t have to like the kids or the performance but taking to the national airwaves to tell a group of lower and middle class 10 year-olds “You ruined the Oscars for everyone” borders on sociopathic.  Especially given the oeuvre that is The Real Housewives Of…

On the racial front, look at the 2011 Oscar lineup.  The winner was The King’s Speech (about as white, rich, and privileged as it gets).  Of the nominees, only Javier Bardem was a minority.  It was a lily-white ceremony with lily-white presenters honoring lily-white subjects where the only “black” nominated was Black Swan.

Afternoon Numbers: Nothing Happened

Wall Street sighed a collective “meh” today following President Obama’s release of the FY 2011 Budget.  The Dow closed down 5 points to end at 12,268.  The NASDAQ gained 7 3/4 to end at 2,817 and the S&P 500 gained 3 to end at 1,332.  Following yet another flat day of trading, some analysts wondered why they even bothered going into work with some going so far as proposing that pants be optional for floor traders.

Meanwhile in Washington, President Obama’s budget proposal was greeted with tepid hatred.  Rep. Michelle Bachmann, who chairs the House Committee on Batshit Crazy, rambled about how it proved the President was a secret Muslim, citing the use of Arabic numbers as proof of her latest idiot theory.  Meanwhile, freshman wingnut Rand Paul spoke for several Tea Party members while voicing complaints that the proposed budget didn’t do enough to establish complete anarchy.

In entertainment news, Glenn Beck used his radio program to complain that Esperanza Spalding is the vanguard on a jazz-based attack on American liberties aimed at creating a post-modernist bebop caliphate in the United States.  He then blamed her and Neil Young for making Christina Aguilera botch the lyrics to “Baby.”  When reminded that “Baby” is by Justin Bieber, Beck went on a 30 minute stream of consciousness tangent linking Canada to the decrease in playing time of folk-rock albums, ezplained by increased sunspot activity and fluorine in the water supply.

Open comment thread below.

The Cinderella Story

The crowd had gone deadly silent, a Cinderella story outta nowhere. Paired with former SNL star and now about to become the masters champion.

Shooting a 67 is pretty damned cool.  Not many people can do it (at least not without cribbing on the scorecard).

Shooting a 67 on Pebble Beach, one of the finest golf courses in the world, is incredible.  Not many pros can do it.

Shooting a 67 on Pebble Beach in a PGA Tour match is a once-in-a-lifetime happening for anyone not named Jack Nicklaus or Tiger Woods.

Winning a PGA Tour match at Pebble Beach by shooting a 67 is something many a duffer can only dream of doing.

Which is why the most incredible thing that happened this weekend was when D.A.Points, ranked 161 in the PGA standings, won a PGA Tour match at Pebble Beach after shooting 67.  And his partner…

Bill Murray.

Talk about your Cinderella stories outta nowhere.  It’s the sort of thing that never approaches the realm of reality.  Every golfer knows Caddyshack backwards and forwards.  In fact, most Americans know Caddyshack backwards and forwards.

There are the all-time great sports movies: The Natural, Hoosiers, The Pride Of The Yankees.  And there are the all-time great comedies.  Caddyshack straddles both categories (in spite of being horribly dated).

I’m willing to bet that right now, D.A. Points is happier having played a round of golf with the iconic Carl Spackler (“We’ve got a pool and a pond; pond’s good for you) than he is with the win.

And what does Bill Murray get out of the deal?  Asked for comment, he responded by quoting the Dalai Lama as saying “Gunga galunga… gunga, gunga-lagunga.”  Murray explained that there won’t be any money, but when he dies, on his deathbed, he will receive total consciousness.

So Murray’s got that goin’ for him, which is nice.

How Much Damage Was Done?

The above chart is fun to look at.  All the commenters leave and site traffic drops to 10% of what it was.  It’s tempting to greet this with cheers and celebrations.  However, as my personal hero once observed, “Don’t be too proud of this technological terror you’ve constructed.”  There’s another explanation which, honestly, makes a bit more sense.

The redesign broke a lot of things.  It broke the comments, readability, good will, and it appears to have broken the ability of Sitemeter to accurately monitor site traffic.  According to Remy Stern in a rather lengthy catfight with Gabriel Snyder, “Sitemeter hasn’t been working since the redesign took effect.”  According to Remy, “the ajax is making it difficult for the counters to track traffic properly.”  This results in the dramatic dropoffs.  Of course, that doesn’t stop the spat from being fun too read (if you like reading inside baseball).

Still, my money is on the codemonkeys breaking the trackers rather than 90% of pageviews being gone after the redesign.

Update: The more accurate numbers for the Gawker Media Empire are said to be found on Quantcast.

BREAKING: Details Of Mubarak’s Resignation

Reports are coming out that the CIA intercepted emails between former Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak and an unnamed 34 year-old middle-aged woman from suburban Maryland, purporting to show Mubarak shirtless and posing.  These yet-unreleased photos, described by one CIA analyst as “racy” show a topless dictator posing in the mirror, taking a self-portrait with smartphone of unknown manufacture.

The CIA has yet to confirm the exact nature of the emails but it is believed that Mubarak had been sending emails to the woman for some time.  Reports differ as to whether Mubarak and she connected via Craigslist or through the back pages of The Village Voice.

It is now believed that President Mubarak’s resignation was not caused by growing civil unrest but, rather, the impending release of the photos and emails.

Afternoon Numbers

The markets remained relatively calm today with the DJIA gaining 43.97 (.36%) to end at 12,273.26.  The NASDAQ ended up 18.99 (.68%) at 2,809.44 and the S&P500 finished at 1,329.15, up 7.28 (.55%).

Trading was generally upbeat on news of Mubarak’s resignation but that optimism was tempered by worries of decreased productivity as Crasstalk replaced Crosstalk as a leading timesuck among white-collar employees.  Productivity is expected to decline in the coming weeks as the Crasstalk brand expands into other areas, including Facebook and Twitter.

Comment was unavailable from most major analyst firms as their receptionist staff was, fittingly enough, commenting on Crasstalk.  Open thread below.

Snark Off: Banned Substances

Commissioner Bud Selig has just announced that Charlie Sheen is now an illegal substance under MLB regulations.  Players will be randomly be tested for exposure to Charlie Sheen.

Charlie Sheen (middle) with (from left to right) MLB players, Coco Crisp, Eric Davis, Brandon Watson and Milton Bradley.