DahlELama

47 posts

DahlELama enjoys TV, YA, Chinese food, and long walks to the couch. She speaks Russian very badly and dreams of one day making the perfect macaron.

Crasstalk Interview: HGTV’s Sandra Rinomato

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By DahlELama and The_Obvious

Everyone remembers their first time—the fear, the anticipation, the excitement, the feeling of having no idea what you were doing but praying it wouldn’t matter. How many of us prayed for guidance in those dark and confusing times?

Well, your prayers have been answered, in the form of Sandra Rinomato, host of HGTV’s Property Virgins. If you haven’t seen the show—and shame on you if that’s the case—the gist is that Sandra takes prospective first-time home buyers on a search for their very first abode, talking them—and us—through all of the drama that comes with it. If you have, you know that Sandra’s advice and experience are invaluable. Fortunately for us, she’s graciously agreed to let us interview her and share some of that expertise with us!

What are some signs to you that a Property Virgin’s going to be great (or terrible) to work with?

When they give me a wish list that $1,000,000 wouldn’t even buy, and then once I explain that to them they giggle and say, “but you can do it Sandra!” Thanks for the vote of confidence but I can’t perform magic. People like that have a bigger learning curve than others. I actually like working with them, because I can really dig in and feel like I am helping them make some big decisions that will get them closer to their dream of home ownership. Without some tough love they won’t get anywhere and will eventually just give up on their dream.

We’ve noticed that people go crazy for double sinks in the master bath and stainless-steel appliances in the kitchen. Why are these features so desirable, especially when the latter has such a tendency to attract smudge marks?

A lot of these people are moving in together for the first time and just can’t imagine having to share one sink in the morning while they get ready for work. I mean, how can you live like that?! Ha ha. It always makes me think of post war homes that housed families of 6 or more, with one bathroom, 3 bedrooms and a tiny living room. They managed quite nicely, but our expectations are higher now. For some reason we feel that we need 1,000 feet per person, and at least one bath per. Oh, and don’t forget 1.5 cars each as well. Ok ok, I may be going off track here, but the reality is that we are very wasteful, very spoiled and want what we want, and we want it now. Luckily, builders have been able to turn this dream into reality with suburban sprawl. For the location focused person the double vanity won’t be as big an issue if they are looking at an area in the city or with older homes.

The love affair with stainless steel began maybe 20 years ago with the introduction of commercial type appliances. The very high end homes had the stainless gas ranges with 6 burners and a grill, the commercial hood fan, the big stainless frige. As with every trend, the more common it became the less expensive it became. And vice versa, the more affordable, the more common. I am not big on the stainless and I prefer other stone products to granite, but the general public is still attached to them. Some of my fans have a drinking game and every time someone says granite, hardwood or stainless steel they take a drink. Those are buzz words that some people equate with success. As for the finger prints, most of the new appliances are treated so the prints don’t show like they did on the original stuff.

Obviously Toronto’s the place to be in Canada, but what’s your favorite American city to do shows in and why?

Actually, Canada has some amazing places to live, from coast to coast and I really wish we could do a cross-Canada tour on PV. In the US I went to some really nice places. I had the most amazing time in San Diego because of the sunshine, the landscape, the plants that always seem to be in bloom, the ocean and the laid back way of life. I saw people in business wear park their car, don a wetsuit and go surfing at their lunch break. That was amazing to me. It’s just 2 hours south of LA but it may as well be on another planet. People were even nice on the roads! Driving was a pleasure there. Maybe I it stands out because it is so different from my native Toronto. Toronto is the 4^th largest city in US/Canada. Philly, Boston, DC were cool too, but very similar to Toronto in many ways with regards to attitude. That’s not a bad thing, but I like San Diego because of the west coast vibe. That’s why I love Vancouver too. Talk about gorgeous!

We’ve seen Property Virgins get sold on everything from granite counter tops to fenced-in yards, but what are some of your favorite home features?

I like a nice walk out to the yard, with either a gorgeous stone patio or deck. I love to entertain at home so this is really a selling feature for me. I also love to think that the people I sell homes to will enjoy the home, and will love bringing family and friendsinto their space. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside!

I am big on using local stone in gardens. I love the look, either really modern square lines or a nice traditional look with the moss growing between the stones. It cuts down on the watering too, so that is good for the environment. With a little planning the look you achieve is so “finished.” Great landscaping can really make a house stand out, and add some landscape lighting and you get a real WOW factor.

How do you go about choosing which house visits will be featured on-air, and how many houses do you actually typically go to with each couple?

We go out and preview homes based on the client’s wish list and try to find homes that represent “as good as it gets” for them. It can be very difficult because we have to deal with what is on the market at that time, and we need to get permission to shoot in peoples’ homes. Sometimes we shoot in homes that are not our first choice, but that too is an important part of the process. You have see what you don’t like before you realize what you really love.

One of the reasons that Property Virgins is so great is that it really teaches potential homebuyers that finding a house you like is only one battle in what is often a larger war. What are some of the biggest red flags Virgins should look out for during the negotiation and inspection stages to ensure that they’re not purchasing a gigantic moneypit?

When negotiating don’t let a seller hold you hostage. Know what you are prepared to pay before you start the process. Knowledge is power. Study the comparables and hold your ground. It’s important to be rational though. There is no use low balling without the proper comps to back you up.

We did a great episode where they loved the first house which is not unusual, but I like to show them some others just to be sure. They offered on it right away and the negotiations did not go well. The Seller was being irrational and wanted my clients to overpay for the house. I convinced the buyers to walk away and to see more homes. It was really tough for them to walk away from their ideal home. We searched and searched, but of course each home was compared to this idyllic one. We finally found one that they were going to offer on, and the listing agent from their dream home called to say that the seller was prepared to negotiate now. So off we went and got a fair deal for everyone. It doesn’t always work out that way but I really hate to see people get taken advantage of so I pushed them to see more homes. What we accomplished was it gave the Seller time to realize he had a qualified buyer and he needed to treat them with the respect they deserved. It also made the buyers realize just how much they really loved the very first house they saw, so we were satisfied that they should buy it.

What I love is when the home inspector gives a binder full of info on the home itself and home maintenance. The information in there can save you major bucks—like redirecting your downspout to avoid water in the basement. It’s inexpensive and can save you thousands.

On the summary page you may find a statement, “this home is average for the area and for its age.” If you get one that is below average you should think twice.

Don’t be afraid to ask your home inspector questions. He works for you and you need to understand the magnitude of the problems he identifies. Get contractors in to see what their quotes are to fix major issues before you sign off.

There’s ample opportunity for bad puns to be made with the show’s title being Property Virgins. What’s the best–or worst–you’ve ever heard?

I remember when the show first aired there were online chats about how disgusting the title was. Hey, the word Virgin is in the bible and I’m catholic and we pray to Virgin Mary, so I don’t see what the heck the issue is. It simply means, the first time for something. I think those people were just letting off steam or something. Anyway, I hear the opposite being cited as a new show, Property Whores. I guess that would be for a different network ; – ) At any rate, Property Virgins is a catchy title and perhaps enticed a few “virgin viewers” to tune in for the first time and hopefully again and again. And there you have it, great marketing at work.

And finally, what are your thoughts on Poutine?

Listen, poutine is a Quebec thing and it is something to be revered. I recently tried a lobster béarnaise poutine and I have decided to marry it.

Property Virgins airs on HGTV most nights at 8 p.m. EST with new episodes airing on Mondays. If you just can’t wait to see her on TV, you can also follow Sandra on Twitter: @SandraRinomato. For more of her great tips, pick up her book Realty Check through Crasstalk’s Amazon store.

DahlELama and The_Obvious both ignore their significant others every Monday night so they can watch Property Virgins and get irrationally angry at first-time home buyers who have preposterous personal demands. They are currently working on their audition tape for Property Whores.

Ball in the Family

By DahlELama and The_Obvious

The two of us have lots in common: we both continue to love The Office long after everyone else has given up on it, we both revere our KitchenAid mixers, and we both think we’re better than everyone else at Scrabble. But for all our similarities, there will always be one huge difference between us: our backgrounds.

However, good friends and natural-born educators that we are, we’ve always made sure to try to teach each other a little bit more about where we come from. For instance, I, Dahl, taught T_O about the Sabbath, and he now he tries to get me to bail on it every Friday. And I, ~~T_O~~ Ochocinco taught Dahl about Easter and egg hunts, and she promptly invited herself to my family’s annual holiday celebration. Eventually, we discovered that our cultures do have one major thing in common: a reverence of balls.

The_Obvious

Like any good little Catholic kid, I was dragged to church every Sunday. Through all the mumbling of prayers, mouthing of words to hymns when the priest saw me not singing, and making paper footballs out of dollars destined for the collection plate, there was one motivating factor that made it all worth it: meatballs. Going to my grandparents’ house was a post-church tradition, and one that I enjoyed very much. The smell of the impending feast hit you as soon as you got to the front door and the star of the show were the meatballs. My grandma would keep a watchful eye over the pot as family members filed in. There were always a few sauceless ones set aside just for me. (I eventually grew out of my disdain for sauce and graduated from white to regular pizza, much to the relief of my mom.) Food and family were synonymous growing up and Sunday meatballs were very much an important part of that. Not long ago, I went to a restaurant that only served meatballs, and felt a pang of guilt and betrayal for eating anybody else’s but grandma’s.

I gave Grandma Obvious a call asking if I could have her recipe, which like most family favorites is not written down anywhere. I’m afraid the answer I received won’t be very useful to anyone though as the measurements she rattled off included: “2-3 pounds”, “some”, “a few”, and “a generous amount.” What I can tell you is that there is mixed chopped meat (veal, beef, and pork), egg, milk, bread crumbs, and parmigiano cheese. She fries the meatballs so they get a nice brown crust and finishes them in the oven. Noticeably absent is garlic and onion, so yes, this is not a spicy meatball. I suppose that’s relatively controversial as far as meatball recipes go, but with any comfort food, your first food memory tends to be what you prefer.

DahlELama

Unfortunately, because I’m an observant Jew who keeps kosher, both the pork and the combination of meat and dairy products make those lovely balls off limits to me. (But I would not turn my nose up at an all-beef kosher version; just throwing that out there.) Fortunately, we Jews have our own special balls which are 100% kosher. I speak, of course, of matzoh malls!

Like T_O, my grandmother was quite skilled in the kitchen, and although the 7,000-mile distance between us meant I only had her cooking a handful of times in my life, one of my favorite things that my father brought back to our American kitchen from her Czech-turned-Israeli one was her matzoh ball recipe. One of the great debates of the kosher kitchen is whether matzoh balls should be dense or fluffy, and my grandmother’s were as dense as can be. For a recipe for fluffier matzoh balls (and chicken soup to go with them), see TackyTick’s Passover post. For my grandmother’s matzoh balls, see below:

Savta’s Matzoh Balls

4 eggs
1 c. matzoh meal
1/2 c. oil
1/2 tsp. salt
boiling chicken soup/stock/broth/whatever (basically, whatever liquid you’ll be serving them in should be prepared first)

Mix all ingredients until smooth. Place in refrigerator for one hour (or freeze for 20 minutes). Roll into balls about an inch in diameter and drop into pot of boiling chicken liquid-of-choice. Cook partially covered for 40 minutes.

If you’re feeling ambitious and artsy, you can also try giving your matzoh balls some color using spinach, turmeric, or tomato.

So those are our favorite balls; tell us about yours in the comments!

DahlELama and The_Obvious are parents to two adorable chicks named Nuggets and General Tso, who are currently living with a foster mother in Connecticut. The chicks were taken away following a traumatic incident involving The_Obvious and some brutally decapitated Peeps.

Sweet Valley, New York

It started when I was five, but I had no idea how long the love affair would end up lasting. I just meant to read a few, just the ones my older sister had left lying around the house, but a few turned into a bunch, which turned into a lot, and before I knew it, I had left almost no book unturned. I may have grown up in New York, but there was no doubt about it–my heart was in Sweet Valley, California.

As such, you can imagine my excitement at the announcement that Francine Pascal, the creator of the Sweet Valley series (which included Sweet Valley Kids, Sweet Valley Twins, The Unicorn Club, Sweet Valley Junior High, Sweet Valley High, Sweet Valley Senior Year, Sweet Valley University, and Elizabeth, in addition to spawning a TV series starring Brittany and Cynthia Daniel), would be releasing a new book entitled Sweet Valley Confidential: Ten Years Later. After all, I knew Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield and their friends and exes about as well as I knew my own, probably better in some respects. How could I not want to know where they ended up and who and what they were doing?

2011-03-27_01-38-12_628 — My Personal Collection

And yet, I knew from the instant I read about its impending release that I would be disappointed. Growing up, SVH and SVU were pretty much my life; how was Pascal–whose role in the series had always been kinda sketchy, considering all the books were written under obvious pen names–going to cram hundreds of Wakefield friends-and-family factoids into one book? Reading the acknowledgments only confirmed my suspicions. In them, Pascal thanks someone for “knowing everything there is to know about Sweet Valley and saving (her) from any number of memory lapses.”

Oh does she, Francine? Does she know “everything”? Orrr did she maybe just read the (absolutely hilarious and completely fabricated) SVH and SVU Wikipedia pages? Because seriously, the mistakes in Sweet Valley Confidential suggest that no one involved ever read past book #75. But don’t worry! I’m here to help! So step back, FP and FP’s little friend, and let someone who was once so absorbed by reading the newest SVH release (which, at the time, was #116: Nightmare in Death Valley) that she got locked into her local bookstore take over.

Before we get to why Sweet Valley Confidential is such a disaster, let’s get a little background. (Spoilers to follow, obviously). As its subtitle indicates, the book is a look at the lives of the Wakefield twins “ten years later.” (Ten years later than what, I’m not sure, since the books continue through the twins’ sophomore year of college but in SVC they’re only twenty-seven.) Elizabeth is now living in New York (yay!) working for some rinky-dink theater publication (boo!) and seething because Todd (you remember Todd-the boring guy she broke up with every twenty books or so) and Jessica are-surprise!-engaged. That’s right, Todd and Jessica are engaged and living in Sweet Valley, and all this went down while Todd and Elizabeth were engaged and living in Sweet Valley, so, yeah-that’s a pretty legit ouchie, unlike some of the other things that have gotten Lizzie’s panties in a twist over the years. It’s been eight months since Liz discovered that Todd and Jess were in ~~heat~~ love, and she hasn’t spoken to either one since, but when her grandmother’s 80th birthday party brings her back to Sweet Valley (yeah, I couldn’t believe that was the best excuse they could come up with either), Liz has to figure out how she’s going to face the couple who betrayed her.

Of course, a visit to Sweet Valley reveals what everyone else is up to now as well: Lila Fowler and Ken Matthews are now married, but separated, and getting divorced, but still sleeping together, or something? Oh, and Ken’s in the NFL. Of course. Enid Rollins is married, but slutting it up with AJ Morgan, because she can. Steven Wakefield is married to Cara Walker, except not anymore, because–surprise! He’s gay! And boning Aaron Dallas! Bruce Patman is now BFF with Elizabeth, and completely in love with her, even though she’s still boring. (Though she uses much more profanity these days). And Winston Egbert’s dead.

So! Things have been exciting! And apparently people only marry other people from Sweet Valley! Did not see that coming! Anyway, everything ends up working out well and everybody’s happy (except Winston, because he’s still dead), so hooray for Sweet Valley! But for this twenty-seven-year-old woman experiencing Sweet Valley from the other coast, a happy ending couldn’t make up for all the issues along the way. For example:

For whatever reason, AJ Morgan is mentioned about a zillion times throughout the book, but I’m pretty sure that FP and her expert friend had him completely confused with someone else because he wasn’t A) A bad boy by any stretch of the imagination, B) A blond (hello, ginger!), or C) introduced to Jessica until SVH #48: Slam Book Fever, which means he couldn’t have touched her boob in 7th grade.
On page 278, “Bruce Patman kissed her! That had never happened before. Not while she was conscious anyway, but that’s a long story.” Ahem. First of all, I assume the “not conscious” reference is to SVH #7: Dear Sister, in which Lizzie’s head is all messed up because of her motorcycle accident and she ends up hooking up with Bruce. (Fun fact: This book is where I read the word “breast” for the first time!) She wasn’t unconscious, just dumb. Second of all, excuse me, but have we forgotten SVH #102, Almost Married? Yeah, Bruce and Liz are old news.
Speaking of old news, was Jess and Todd getting together reallllly such of a shock, Lizzie? Because they’ve done it before. About a thousand times. Like when you were on trial for killing Sam? They hooked up. In college? They hooked up. I could’ve told you this was coming. But I probably wouldn’t have, because you’re dumb and even ten years later I still don’t like you.
Also on page 278? “The possibility of Elizabeth Wakefield cheating on anything or anyone was near impossible.” Oh, really? Because if I recall correctly, Elizabeth Wakefield cheated on everyone. The only difference was that she never got caught. Or, when she did, Todd just didn’t give enough of a crap.
You’re going to write a list of dead Sweet Valley-ites and include Suzanne Devlin, the bitch from like three books, but completely ignore Olivia Davidson, who got crushed by a refrigerator during an earthquake? I mean, I can forgive the fact that she appears in SVU #8, creepy as it is, because I’m pretty sure that was written before you killed her off, but come on.
The twins’ lavalieres do not have aquamarines. They do not have their initials engraved in them. They just don’t. Shut up.
No, Ned Wakefield will not be “walking his daughter down the aisle for the third time.” (Oh, yeah, Jessica also married and then ran out on some French guy). He didn’t walk her down the aisle the first time. He didn’t even know she married Mike McAllery until they were already en route to divorce. Save your cliches for when they make sense.
We’re just going to completely ignore that Enid Rollins hasn’t been Enid since she started college, huh? IT’S ALEXANDRA NOW.

And so on, and so forth. And that’s ignoring the total disrespect paid to later relationships in the series. Are we really supposed to pretend that Cara’s the only woman Steven’s loved since Tricia Martin died of leukemia, even though he got Billie (a woman, as he was not yet into manparts) pregnant and they almost got married when they were living together in college? That Bruce and Lila’s relationship was “a fling” despite the fact that they were quite in love and moved in together in college (albeit only really for SVU #17)? That it’s acceptable that Elizabeth’s relationship with Tom Watts is referred to as “brief” and basically compared to her stupid crapfest of a farce relationship with Sam Burgess? But I’ve said too much.

In short, this is not a book for Sweet Valley purists, but it doesn’t really matter. Because if you really loved Sweet Valley, you’ll read it anyway. Because you can’t not. Because Francine Pascal, for all she doesn’t know about her own creations, is still your overlord. Because Sweet Valley is like Jessica Wakefield herself; no matter how much she hurts you, you will always, always end up forgiving her.

Where Are They Now? “Cats” Edition

By DahlELama and The_Obvious

As you guys know, we generally write posts about what famous people are up to these days. However, our observations of our audience have led us to the realization that you guys like cats way more than you like people, and in honor of April Fool’s Day, we’re going to pretend that we do too! So grab your playbill and follow along as we look at what became of the stars of the musical Cats!

Bustopher Jones is not skin and bones, in fact he’s remarkably fat. Jones always had a healthy appetite for fame and food, living the high life on gaudy St. James Street and gorging on everything in sight. As time passed, Jones’s girth grew and his friends disappeared, and so did all traces of his fame. Desperate to remain in the spotlight, he fired his agent and appeared on Maury, MTV’s Fat Camp, and his own E! True Hollywood Story Bustopher Jones Fat Cat: From Highballs to Hairballs. He is currently in contract negotiations for his own show on TLC.

Mr. Mistoffelees (stage name) was a scrappy kitten, duping tourists into games of 3 Card Monte on the corner with his fast-talking, charming persona. Possessing a natural gift for sleight-of-hand card tricks, Mistoffelees made enough money to purchase his first magic kit. He worked his way up from magician’s assistant, to opening act, to being named his species’ David Copperfield. His future was bright until one fateful day when his assistant showed up to work drunk. A true professional, Mistoffelees knew the show must go on and climbed into the box to be sawed in half. The lights were dimmed, the music dramatic, and his assistant: pie-faced. The screams were deafening, the sight horrific, blood was everywhere! Mr. Mistoffelees was cut in half, unable to be put back together, Me-OUCH! Being able to eat with your front half and use the litter box with your back half at the same time? Now that’s magic!

Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer continued to grow closer as the show went on, but some might say they got a little too close. When the dancing cat burglars’ trademark “double windmill” move turned into a mutual blowing of raspberries on each other’s genitalia, they were promptly fired from the show. Left without any source of income, the frisky felines used the skills they acquired on set to become moderately successful cat burglars. However, their renewed success was short-lived, thanks to their poor choice of a getaway driver known to the public only as “Toonces.” The threesome was last seen flying to party with Thelma and Louise.

Jennyanydots was a grade-A bitch with an inflated ego. She had a harem of suitors bringing her the finest dead pigeons the city had to offer and a gang of loyal subjects who laughed at her every joke and never dared to correct her. One day, her frienemy Fetchin’ Weiners (she went by her full name, because Jenny told her to “stop trying to make ‘Fetch’ happen”) noticed Jenny’s dots looked a little peculiar and recommended Jenny check it out with Dr. Ratsgotra but she refused. How could somebody so beautiful be sick? As time passed, Jenny’s health declined but she chalked it up to impure catnip and the bird flu. Unable to take it any longer, Weiners took her to the hospital and Jenny was diagnosed with bacterial meowengitis. Sadly, it was too late for medicine, and Jenny passed away due to her own hubris.

Bombalurina did her best to claw (pun!) her way back to the top after the demise of Cats by sleeping with every eligible tom in Hollywood, but a brutal rejection by Bob Barker that led her to have her spaying reversed in revenge proved to be her downfall. Bombalurina now lives in an alley behind Sears with four of her seven litters, and rumor has it that even Richard Gere won’t return her calls.

Grizabella, the former glamour puss, led a full life before her final role in Cats. Her sad story began when she was a beautiful young kitten, eager for the spotlight, and left home to head to New York after getting a ride from a shady country boy. Alone and scared, Griz almost gets hit by a cab (the yellow ones don’t stop) and is taken in by Molly, an exotic dancer who performs for a real bunch of dogs. Out of funds, Grizabella tags along with Molly and shakes all 8 of her nipples for money using the stage name “Fursace.” But dancing gets old fast, and Griz is tired of playing second fiddle to Molly… so she pushes her down the stairs, and although Molly naturally lands on her feet, Fursace is fur-fired. In a last-ditch effort to resurrect her career, she auditioned for Cats and was thrilled to get the part, but the fame proved to be too much for Grizabella, and she lost her part–and her career–when she got addicted to catnip. She currently turns tricks for nip-money and lives in a box living vicariously through her memory.

Old Deuteronomy was actually already pretty old when the show started in 1982 so, you can probably guess what happened there. Yup, freak Razor scooter accident.

DahlELama and The_Obvious are clearly not cat people, but they do enjoy Cat Cookies from Trader Joe’s. However, they do not condone any violence against cats and hope they did not trigger any painful memories. They would also like to recommend that you use “safe search” when looking for pictures of cats. There are some things that can not be unseen.

Top Chef Finale Recap: Battle of the Amuse-Douches

By DahlELama and The_Obvious

This is the true story of five All-Stars, picked to cook on an island, work together, and have their lives taped. To find out what happens when people stop being polite and start being total culinary douchebags… you should probably keep reading.

It’s been such a long journey to the finale that we could just mise en plotz! But before we do, it’s time to crown Top Chef’s first ever “Best Chef of All the Chefs Who Proved Not to Be the Best in Other Seasons,” and before we do that, we need a little background on the season that was.

The season started with 18 chefs, but the combination of too much salt and too much crazy quickly whittled the contenders down to the five (it was supposed to be four, but apparently, no one sucked enough to get booted, which was super convenient considering how many episodes were left in the season!) who’d be going on to the finals in the Bahamas:

In this corner, we have the itch you can’t scratch, the rash that refuses to go away, the houseguest that won’t leave, Tiffany “I’m From Beaumont, Bitches” Derry!
In this corner, weighing in at five-foot-awesome with three ounces of pot, we have Antonia Lofaso, Purveyor of Perfect Food, Champion (well, 4th place) of Chi-Town, Tigress of the Toque! (And the toke, too!)
In this corner, hailing all the way from Fraggle Rock, the Selcouth of the South, the Chicken Pot Pie Perfecter, the Spectacle in Spectacles, Carla “Hootie Hoo” Hall!
And in this corner, weighing 145 pounds…more than he did last season, the Robber of Recipes, the Beast from the East, Mike “I’m with stunad” Isabella!
And, in the center of it all, stands the Lord of Liquid Nitrogen, Atlanta’s own Jimmy Neutron, the super-flammable Richard Blais!

Final Five Top Chef — From L to R: Tiffany, Richard, Mike, Antonia, and Carla

Of course, only two would remain standing for the finale, and after cooking for Bohemian royalty, rocking out with their conchs out, and cooking last suppers for some lusty chefs, MikeyNeck “Jersey Douche” Isabella and Richard “When did he become such a dick?” Blais emerged victorious. Let the games begin!

The big challenge is essentially a mini-variation on Restaurant Wars: Cook the four-course meal of your life and put it on the menu of a pretend restaurant with a pretend name even though you’re serving it at a real restaurant with a real name. The two cheftestants immediately get to discussing which of the previously ousted chefs they would take on as sous chefs and writing slanderous comments about them in their Burn Book. After a few games of MASH and doing each other’s hair, they discuss their super secret strategies for the competition, because nothing screams “brilliant competitors” like discussing your plan with your opponent. (Although, to be fair, if they didn’t, Mike would’ve just stolen Blais’s from his notebook anyway.) Mike immediately declares that he would ~~bang~~ choose Jenn Carroll, because despite her crazy blowouts and monumental exit, she’s still ~~hot~~ a great chef. As it turns out, Blais too wants Jenn C, though not necessarily in a sexual way, as well as Angelo, also not necessarily in a sexual way.

Ultimately, it doesn’t matter who they think is awesome, because they’re forced to choose blind: each previously ousted chef’s amuse bouche is laid out before them, and they are to choose their teammates based on whose bouche amuses them the most. Mike is pretty blatant about simply attempting to pick out which one is Jenn’s (and which one isn’t Marcel’s) but the static generated by Blais’s hair interrupts their BFF connection and Mike ends up with three non-Jenn ladies, in the forms of Tiffani, Jamie, and Carla. (H/T to Psshwhatever for her brilliant and oh-so-telling tweet: “Funny that Mike always denigrates the female chefs and then just picked 3 of them, blind, based only on their food to help him.”) Blais gets a little closer to his original wishlist, successfully selecting Angelo in addition to Spike and Antonia. As Marcel leaves, everyone breathes a collective sigh of relief and toasts his departure with champagne and an impromptu dance party.

Now comes the important part: naming their restaurants. Blais, ever-the-whimsical (as he’ll be the first to tell you in a super serious voice as he comes close to tears and is clearly on the verge of vomiting), selects “Tongue & Cheek” as his restaurant’s name, which is both cute and kinda gross. Mike, in tribute to his youth, names his “Restaurant Iz,” after what we can only assume is his pre-op moniker.

Blais Hate — Source: Videogum. Obviously.

On to the menus! Over on Team Iz, Mikey’s Angels’ suggestions are being roundly ignored by Captain Douche, who knows exactly what he wants: chocolate vinaigrette, plus some other stuff. Team Blais, on the other hand, is “ultra-collaborative” from the minute that tank of liquid nitrogen is opened. Blais’s plan is a protein explosion of sorts, to be capped off with a delicious Cap’n Crunch ice cream–wait, what’s that? I’m sorry, we’ve just gotten word from the godawful-decisions portion of Blais’s brain that he’ll be replacing Cap’n Crunch ice cream with foie gras ice cream instead. Fantastic. No chance that’ll turn out disgusting and lead all the judges to vomit on camera. None at all.

Enter Tom, who informs Mike that no one saw him getting into the finale. Like, nobody. His own mother is surprised that he has any skill. Shockingly, he has no such words for Blais, who’s pretty much been the favorite since before the cast was even announced. Now exit Tom, because it’s time for judging!

The cheftestants are set up at two different restaurants, each one with its own panel of judges. (Don’t worry—they’ll switch when they’re done!) Padma is captain of the blue team, which consists of legendary chefs Lydia Bastianich and Hubert Keller plus another guy who just so happens to be the man behind all the ridiculously unsubtle wine product placement. They begin at Tongue & Cheek and are treated to Blais’s “surf ‘n turf” menu which consists of:

Raw oyster with crème fraiche pearls
Raw hamachi with fried veal sweetbreads, garlic mayonnaise, and pickled celery
Pork belly, black cod cutlet, bone marrow, beets, Brussels sprouts, and kumquat
Beef short ribs with mushrooms, red cabbage marmalade, and celery root horseradish puree
Foie gras ice cream with cornbread and whipped mango

The dining went well, and we saw the judges thoroughly enjoying the food. You know who else saw them enjoying the food? Top Chef’s own Spike “Mata Hari” Mendelssohn, aka Spy-ke, who eavesdropped on the judges comments with all the subtlety of Ke$ha while rocking one of his trademark Carmen Sandiego fedoras. However, his skills as a ~~dick~~ secret agent proved to be extremely useful, as he convinced Richard to fix up his revamped dessert to make it look a little more fit for a fancy feast instead of just looking like Fancy Feast.

At the same time, Tom and his crew—Gail Simmons, Art Smith, and host of the upcoming Top Chef Masters and all-around hot guy Curtis Stone are being served Mike’s Italian-influenced menu (did you know Mike was Italian? In other shocking news, Tiffany’s from Beaumont) of:

Spiced beets with mozzarella truffle and chocolate vinaigrette
Halibut with kumquat marmalade, cauliflower puree, and pancetta crumbs
Glazed pork shoulder with pepperoni sauce(!), roasted cabbage, and turnips
Rosemary caramel custard and pine nuts with citrus, celery, and apple

After catching their breath from multiple foodgasms, the judges took their place at the judgement table that totally hides the fact that they are wearing pajama pants. The judges had high praise for nearly all the food, which is especially meaningful for Mike because it is the first time he has actually pleased a woman. Gail admits to bathing in Mike’s pepperoni sauce because it makes her skin glow and rack huge. Tom can barely contain himself, exclaiming to Richard, “Hachi machi! That was some great hamachi!”

It’s time for the big announcement and friends and family gather around for the results. Noticeably absent was Richard’s wife who was only moments away from giving birth to a fauxhawk. Fortunately, Mike’s wife, who is 69 times more attractive than he should be able to get, could make it because she refuses to spawn with Mike as giving birth to a child who inherits his neck-size is not a risk she is willing to take. Channeling her inner-Seacrest, Padma pauses dramatically before revealing who will win the 200,000 Buitoni raviolis. The winner is… RICHARD BLAIS! Mikey rolls his eyes, Richard tears up, Antonia smiles with a blunt between her lips, Padma and Gail make out, Tom and Tre rub each others bald heads, and Carla runs around in a circle screaming “Beeeeeeeeef Tongue.”

And so, another season of Top Chef comes to an end. Blais can finally emerge from the padded cell where he’s spent the past two-and-a-half years in his rocking chair, contemplating his loss, and Mike and his wife can finally consummate their marriage, much to her chagrin. But, since only Blais leaves the show with a prize, we think it only fair that Mike at least get a musical sendoff, and so, from one New Jersey-ite to another… goodbye, JD. You truly did go down in a blais of glory.

DahlELama and The_Obvious both wanted Richard to win, but, more importantly, wanted Mike to lose. They hope that Carla will one day get her own show, preferably a variety hour featuring humorous skits, whimsical songs, and animal guests. They wish Antonia many happy snacks and choose never to think about Tiffany again.

Where Are They Now? “Wonder Years” Edition

By DahlELama and The_Obvious

Debuting in 1988, The Wonder Years ran for six seasons; there would have been a 7th, but the actors walked out because you sang out of key. Way to go, buttheads. As it happens, The Wonder Years holds special meanings for the two of us, as Kevin and Winnie, who (spoiler alert!) ultimately ended up apart, were actually two of the first loves of our young lives. Find out what happened to them and the rest of the cast with a little help from your friends! (Your friendship was implied when you signed our yearbooks even though you just wrote “best wishes” and “have a neat summer.”) Continue reading →

Where Are They Now: “Charles in Charge” Edition

By DahlELama and The_Obvious

Who’s in charge of you? Well, if you were watching TV in the late 80s, it was probably Charles, the last-name-less caretaker of the Powell family on the hit TV show Charles in Charge.

But wait! Are you sitting down? Find a seat, we’ll wait. You are about to have your mind BLOWN. Charles was in charge of a different family before the Powells you know and love! That’s right–the original incarnation of Charles in Charge featured Scott Baio babysitting a whole different family…who presumably wasn’t attractive enough to stick it out on network TV. The “Pembrokes” were “displaced” to Seattle, leaving Charles in charge of a whole new household that now consisted the Powell family–Walter, Ellen, Jamie, Sarah, and Alex. And since we know that ~~attractive people~~ the Powells are the only ones who matter, we thought it worthy to check in and see how they were doing over 20 years later.

Scott Baio as Charles

Oh, Scott Baio. Charles. Chachi. You were such a wonderful teen idol, and then… well, actually, we’re still a little unclear on what’s happened to you since then. You certainly had a great start—playing the title character of Bugsy Malone in a cult children’s gangster musical which co-starred Jodie Foster when you were sixteen is so, so much better than anything we could possibly make up for you—but then, weird TV movies, including one based on a Danielle Steele novel? Co-hosting a VH1 show about other former teen idols with not careers? Getting into fights with The Ladyblog That Shall Not Be Named? A reality show based on your relationship failures in life? But oh, Scott Baio, we can’t stay mad at you. For Bob Loblaw, all is forgiven.

Willie Aames as Buddence “Buddy” Lembeck

Will.i.Aames was born Albert William Upton in Huntington, CA (sweet name change, brah!) and rapidly became a child star, originating the roles of Leonard Unger on The Odd Couple and Tommy Bradford on Eight is Enough. The only actor to accompany Scott Baio through both phases of the show, Aames took the news that Charles in Charge wouldn’t be trying again with a third, even more attractive family harder than anyone else in the group. He turned toward alcohol and cocaine and away from haircuts. Eventually, he found Jesus (turns out he’d been hiding behind the couch, Peek-a-boo!) and re-invented himself as Bibleman, a Christian superhero who starred in videos and toured the country for nine freaking years (God could have done it in a few days), while also becoming an ordained minister. Recent years hit him hard, and in 2008, he filed for both bankruptcy and divorce from his second wife and attempted to commit suicide. Classy and Aames don’t often go together, but a year later he hosted an estate sale to save his home from foreclosure, a much classier move than Dustin Diamond’s t-shirt and porn sale. Once he’d established himself as a financial mastermind, he became a licensed financial advisor just last year. (We recommend doing the exact opposite of whatever he tells you to do.) Today he now works as a—wait for it—member of the entertainment staff on Oceania Cruise Line, acting as “a social host for daytime and nighttime activities, introducing shows and interacting with guests throughout the day, and he’ll sit with passengers for dinner.”

James T. Callahan as Walter Powell

Sadly, the Powell patriarch passed away from esophageal cancer at the age of 76, but not before appearing in every single movie and TV show known to man, including: Dennis the Menace, Perry Mason, Route 66, Twilight Zone, My Favorite Martian, The Fugitive, MASH, The Rockford Files, Bosom Buddies, Lou Grant, Quincy, M.E., Remington Steele, Little House on the Prairie, The A-Team, Knight Rider, Newhart, Growing Pains, Doogie Howser, M.D., Golden Girls, Picket Fences, Caroline in the City, The Practice, ER, and a billion more.

Sandra Kerns as Ellen Powell

Poor Sandra Kerns, forever in the shadow of big sister Joanna Kerns, the Marsha to her Jan. Joanna had already landed her career-making role as Maggie Seaver, blond-haired mom to three (well, eventually four, but does anybody really count Chrissy?) hijinks-filled children, on Growing Pains leaving Sandra to sit in her dark bedroom, decorated the same way since she was a little girl, brushing her hair obsessively, repeating “one day it will be my turn, one day it will be my turn” over and over. Two years later, her time had finally come in the form of Ellen Powell, a blond-haired mom to three hijinks-filled children on Charles in Charge. D’oh. As soon as Charles in Charge ended, Sandra took the advice of her inner demons, and with hairbrush in hand, took off into the mountains, never to be heard from again.

All right, all right, fine. So none of this is true. She’s not even related to Joanna Kerns. The true story is she retired from acting and lives in California with her stuntman husband and two children. But how boring is that? She did lose the bangs and get veneers, though.

Nicole Eggert as Jamie Powell

A picture’s worth a thousand words, so enjoy our 3,000-word summary of Nicole Eggert. Just in case you’re not reading the right words in our pictures, we’ll elaborate: Nicole Eggert is hot. How hot? So hot that she was Miss Universe in the petite division. (Real thing! Not made up!) So hot that she and her boob job starred on Baywatch. So hot that she was briefly engaged to Corey Haim, may he rest in peace. OK, so maybe her weight gain and subsequent participation in Celebrity Fit Club aren’t hot in the traditional sense, but we admire any woman who can address body snark with a serious sense of humor. She is married and expecting her 2nd child to be delivered in slow motion this summer.

Josie Davis as Sarah Powell

No one really looked twice at bossy, brainy Sarah on Charles in Charge, but then again, no one really expected that she’d turn out to be super hot with a bangin’ body. Fortunately for America, the visionary Aaron Spelling looked past the metaphorical glasses-and-a-ponytail and cast Josie Davis as Camille, the very last foil on the way to David and Donna’s happily ever after in the last season of Beverly Hills, 90210. Ultimately, Davis was no match for being the daughter of the show’s creator the beautiful Donna, but Spelling did cast her in one more show called Titans before dying and leaving Davis to forge a career on her own. When trying to find out what she’s currently up to, we told Josie “Pics or it didn’t happen!” and boy, did she deliver. For a very detailed resume and something to keep you warm at night, head on over to her website and check out a pictorial of her current career.

Alexander Polinsky as Adam Powell

If there is one thing we know for certain about Alexander Polinsky, it’s that his leaning-on-chairs skills did not decline with age. Legend has it that on an unseasonably warm September night in an abandoned McDonald’s on the Lower East Side, he defeated AC Slater in a sit-off. (AC met his demise when Alex exploited his inability to properly sit in a forward-facing position.) Alex was young when he began his work on Charles in Charge so to keep him busy between takes, the director handed him some Elmer’s glue and popsicle sticks. Crew members were floored when he made a perfectly scaled replica of the Great Pyramids. Alex finessed his talents, studying with a ~~masturbator~~ master mold-maker and currently works at a design studio creating movie props while also lending his voice to many cartoons.

Ellen Travolta as Lillian

Ellen Travolta, of the Crazy Travoltas, essentially made a living playing Scott Baio’s/Chachi’s mom wherever possible, so when Baio’s career took a dive, that was the end for Lil. Ellen had a rough childhood, her dreams of having long hair constantly dashed as she was repeatedly forced to chop it off to make human-hair wigs for brother John. She currently performs with her husband, Jack Bannon, in a local theater near their vacation home in Idaho. Their most recent production of Cats beat out the all-Baldwin cast of The Sound of Music for the coveted Thea-ater Tot Award.

DahlELama and The_Obvious were once roadies for a band called Mouserat. Well, they mostly just hung around the van after gigs and bogarted everyone’s Doritos.

YA Lit: The Crossover

It’s difficult to argue that there’s a better scenario for literary agents and publishing houses than stumbling upon a true crossover novel, i.e. a novel which spans more than one audience. After all, it’s the kind of math even the dumbest of Kardashians could do–X+Y is greater than either X or Y alone. Sure, having a teen audience is great, but having a teen and adult audience is the kind of thing that practically flings books from the shelves. For whatever it may say about our country, there’s a reason Twilight was a huge hit–both kids and adults alike were somehow drawn into the story of a sparkly bloodsucker and his brittle ice princess, which means both kids and adults were buying those glossy black books.

What’s a little easier to argue about is what actually makes a book a crossover. What was it about Stephenie Meyer’s work–or even J.K. Rowling’s–that made agents and publishers think, “Hey, unlike Trix, these are not just for kids?” And honestly, I’m not sure. (I mean, give props to the people who discovered Stephenie Meyer for thinking that ~~piece of~~ manuscript would appeal to anybody, amirite?) But here’s what I think makes a crossover, plus some recommendations that fit the bill.

1) Universal themes. Not being able to get a prom date? Feeling bullied by the cool girls? Sure, those are the kinds of things that rear their heads in some form or another throughout life, but set in high school, they just seem so…high school. But loss, isolation, abandonment, substance abuse, sexual abuse… these are the kinds of things that stay with you a lifetime, which is precisely why just about all “Edgy YA” books are crossovers.

Recommendations: See my earlier post

2) Feature characters of a “crossover” age. Few YA books are a harder sell than ones set in college. As one agent helpfully explained to me, kids in high school want to read about kids their own age, and once they get any older, they want to read about adults. So who wants to read about 18-23-year-olds? You do, because when you do see YA books featuring kids in college, they’re probably pretty damn good to have pushed through the “Sorry, we can’t sell books set in college” barrier. Plus, college is the best of all worlds–you don’t have to watch the author struggle to deal with the adults, the way they often have to do with books set younger, but you’re still dealing with characters who generally don’t have to deal with the crazy issues of the real world just yet. Plus, they sleep around.

Recommendations: For those wondering about my absolute favorite YA books, here’s your answer.

Secret Society Girl series by Diana Peterfreund. OK, yes–secret societies may feel overdone, and as you read it, scenes from The Skulls may flash in front of your eyes over and over again, and the Yale setting is so laughably thinly disguised (as “Eli University,” no less) that it’s almost distracting how badly you want to yell “Just call it Yale already” (even though the author’s well aware she’s not fooling anybody), but none of these things matter. In this four-book series, Peterfreund has created such funny, quirky, flawed, well-fleshed-out characters that you almost wish every single one of them had his or her own spin-off series. The writing is effortlessly humorous and intelligent, and the narrator so fabulously flawed, that the plot is almost beside the point. Plus, if you don’t fall in love with the romance(s!) in this series, you pretty much have no soul. Or libido.

The Jessica Darling series. Here’s the thing about Jessica Darling–she’s probably you. Or at least, she’s what you think you were. Those times in adolescence you questioned why you were friends with the people you were friends with and pondered how you fit into your surroundings and the fact that you were obviously destined for better things… be prepared to dive right back into those moments with a vengeance. My immediate reaction when reading the first book in the series, Sloppy Firsts, was, “Oh my God, she is so me,” which was immediately followed by, “Aaaaand every other girl who’s ever thought of herself as ‘the smart one.'” Granted, we weren’t exact replicas, but there’s something about the heroine of McCafferty’s series that just drips with empathy. Well, at least for the first two books. After that, I will concede that the series goes downhill, to the point where, as someone very accurately pointed out to me once, “the fifth book is basically fanfic,” but Sloppy Firsts and Second Helpings continue to stand on my shelf as two of my favorite YA novels to date. Hey, if they’re good enough to be plagiarized, they’re good enough for you.

I Wanna Be Your Joey Ramone by Stephanie Kuehnert. Kuehnert didn’t plan to be a YA author; that much is clear from this interview in which she effectively says that she would never have considered pitching this sex-drugs-and-rock-‘n-roll story of a girl (turned woman, as the protagonist ages from 14 to 23 through the novel) who goes the rock-chick route in order to track down the mother who abandoned her as YA had her agent not convinced her to do so. And it worked, which is great news for anyone whose ever felt like his or her life didn’t fit into the neat high school package of after-school activities, dances, and cheerleading squads, since this gritty and emotional novel blatantly sidesteps the norm in every possible way.

3) The setting and/or narration is so rare or unusual that it transcends direct audience classifications. An odd assessment, to be sure, but you know how sometimes you read the description of a book and you think “How could I not read about that?” These are precisely the sorts of books that have that effect, whether they present a little-seen perspective, a creative choice of speaker, or an uncommon geographic locale.

Recommendations: These books vary greatly in every way, but I highly recommend them all.

The Book Thief by Markus Zusak. This book is so much a crossover that it’s actually been marketed as both adult and YA literature, depending on the country. (In the US and Canada, they opted to market it as the latter.) In fact, I had no idea about its YA classification until long after I read it… which I only did when my mother referred it to me after having read it in her book club. This novel about the Holocaust, narrated by death, is about as heartbreaking a read as it gets (you do not want to borrow my horribly tear-stained copy) but one that is, in my opinion, not to be missed, both for its original voice and the content itself. Granted, this opinion is not universal, and of all the books I do and will recommend, it’s probably the least popular, but I stand by it. Besides, when was the last time you agreed with The New York Times?

The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian by Sherman Alexie. The name Sherman Alexie is pretty sufficient to get me to read anything these days, but none of his works have touched me the way this semi-autobiographical story of a Native American high school freshman struggling to change his life by going to school off the reservation has. It so perfectly encapsulates both what is so difficult and so special about that age and combines adolescent empathy with a setting so many of us know absolutely nothing about. It is somehow both inescapably young adult and fit for all ages, whether you love it for its teenage protagonist or Alexie’s revealing depictions of life on the reservation.

Looking for Alaska by John Green. Admittedly, this book probably falls more appropriately under the first category–particularly with its emphasis on philosophy towards the end–but with so few contemporary YA books narrated by boys nowadays, Green is becoming something of a standout simply by approaching adolescence from a male perspective. That isn’t to say that his female characters are one-dimensional; on the contrary, the title character (yes, I was kind of disappointed to learn that Alaska was a person and not the book’s setting, but she made up for it) is only one of Green’s wild, free-spirited, pensive female creations. (If you like this title, check out Paper Towns as well. I haven’t read the rest of his books yet, but rest assured, I will.) Plus, it’s on the “challenged” book list, so everyone’s a winner! Except safelibraries.org. Man, do they hate this one.

Feeling childish? How about mature? Well, now it doesn’t matter–get reading!

The Bachelor Finale: Yep, We Watched It

by DahlELama and The_Obvious

Hey guys, remember Brad? The Bachelor contestant that all of America somehow thought was a total D-Bag for not proposing to anyone he didn’t want to marry? Well, after a few therapy sessions, he returned for round two of consequence-free polygamy, and last night, in Cape Town, South Africa, he finally shed the rest of the sister-wives and nabbed himself a bride. We won’t bore you with the details of the whole season, as you’re probably familiar with the drill–guy gets a harem, guy kicks girls out of harem one by one, guy is left with two options, one of whom will get the boot and the other of whom will get the rock.

This season’s two final ladies with the best ~~cleavage~~ personalities were the bubbly brunette Chantal O. (yeah, there were two Chantals) and blond Southern Belle Emily. On last night’s finale, the two contestants met Brad’s family, including twin brother Chad (ha, no, seriously), Chad’s superhot wife Dylan, would-be-considered-attractive-in-any-other-family brother Wes, Wes’s wife/first cousin Prima, and Brad’s mom, who did her best to blend into the South African surroundings by dressing like a cheetah.

First up to meet the genetic lottery-winning family was Chantal O. Face, who immediately charmed Brad, Chad, Thad, and Vlad by proving that she was scary-obsessed with their brother/son. Mom and Chantal got better acquainted with some one-on-one time, and after 15 minutes of O. Face discussing how much she loved ~~abs~~ Brad, Mama Womack decided Chantal would make hot grandkids with her son and signaled her approval with a wink and a squeaky noise. The romantic afternoon ended with Brad announcing that he could definitely imagine proposing to Chantal… and couldn’t wait to introduce his family to Emily, the other woman he could also definitely imagine proposing to, maybe.

Before Brad’s family could meet the other love of his life, the Belle Who Never Wore Bottoms, host Chris Harrison stepped in, instructed all of them to look at the flashing light, and told them all they were all there because Brad won a trip to South Africa for his 250 word essay on why pull-ups are superior to chin-ups.

With all memories of Chantal erased, it was time to bring in BelleNoBottoms Barbie. Emily’s meeting was not all bubbles and rainbows, and the awkward getting-to-you-know took a serious turn when she revealed her tragic past. Emily was eighteen when her fiance was killed in a plane crash, and a week later, she discovered she was pregnant with her now-six-year-old daughter, Ricki. Once everyone was done having trouble telling Brad and Emily apart from Chad and Dylan, the questions began as to whether or not Brad was really ready to be a father. However, after he assured everyone that he would make a great dad because he had seen Three Men and a Baby twice, it was determined that Emily was the woman he was meant to be with.

Now, before Brad could decide which woman he wanted to sleep with for the next 3-5 months before publicly breaking up, it was time to take them each on one more unrealistic date. Again, O. Face went first, and Brad abandoned all pretense of affection by literally throwing her to the sharks. Chantal was a good sport, though, pulling off the ‘oh no, this wet suit won’t zip over my boobies!’ move with charm and grace before joining Brad in the cage from which they romantically watched the sharks fin-fiving and doing the ‘that’s-what-i’m-talkin’-bout’ nod as they checked out Chantal’s ample cleavage.

Later that night, Brad and O. Face bonded again, this time over the vomit-inducing kindergarten art project Chantal passed off as some sort of Crayola-and-paste monument to their love that she’d worked on allll night while Brad and BelleNoBottoms got their sexxx on. You see, Chantal had created a map, noting all the places she and Brad had been together, like Kamchatka and East Africa, because she traveled the world with him! And that is super meaningful! Because no one else traveled the world with him! Everyone else just played the board game version of The Bachelor and boned him over Skype while she alone traveled to Anguilla and South Africa! Except not. Anyway, their clothes stayed on the whole time, and that’s when we knew that we’d seen O. Face’s o-face for the very last time.

Then it was Emily’s turn, and because she has a kid and the producers actually care if she lives or dies, her final date was a picturesque helicopter ride. Fortunately for everyone, Emily had left her pants in the other helicopter, but Brad, good sport that he is, didn’t seem to mind. Later that night, however, Brad and Emily got into their first fight, which sounded something like this:

Emily: “Will you take my child to the hospital at 3 am because she sleep walks?”

Brad: “Yes I will. And I will be her true Father.”

Emily: “What does being a father mean to you?”

Brad: “Vague thoughts and ideas I’ve seen on television shows.”

Emily: “YOU KNOW NOTHING. GOOD DAY, SIR!”

Brad: “Listen! Listen! Listen! Vague thoughts and ideas I’ve seen on television shows.”

Emily: “Brad, I just want to make sure that you understand that kids are not fun and go to the ER every day.”

Brad: “So, am I her dad yet?”

Then he walked out, and no sex was had in Africa that night.

~~~

The time had come for Brad to make his choice, leaving one woman inconsolable for at least two hours. It was going to be a tough one. On the one hand, he and Emily had sort of gotten into a fight the night before. On the other hand, he didn’t really like Chantal at all. But on the other hand, no bottoms. But on the other hand, boobs. Drama!

The first limo pulled up, and out stepped Chantal, wearing a shiny black dress with a mess of feathers on one shoulder for luck. Brad did the honorable thing by dragging the dismissal out for a few minutes by listing all the things he loved about her before the big “but,” and to her credit, Chantal didn’t so much as smudge her makeup, probably because she didn’t seem to understand that she was being dumped until Brad finally yelled, “I WANNA BANG EMILY.” He then politely escorted her back to the limo where she was greeted by a nurse who inserted a 99 Bananas drip directly into her arm. As the limo pulled away, the raven on her shoulder could be heard quothing “Nevermore, nevermore.”

Emily’s limo pulled up next, and to make up for a season of pantslessness, she stepped out wearing a modest dress designed by the 15th Duggar daughter. After a bit of stammering and nonsense, her finger was suddenly shiny and we realized they were engaged. In the distance, the faint sound of Toto’s Africa could be heard. Mazel Tov!

Epilogue: Every night Brad sets up the Sony handheld on a tripod before slipping back into bed. He tells Emily it is to help with his withdrawal from not being on camera anymore and she is none the wiser. They are still not married. Fin.

DahlELama and The_Obvious met when she took a bus from Iowa to California and discovered him behind the bar at a Burlesque club. She is now a star, while he wears too much eyeliner and still hasn’t finished a song or appropriately dumped his fiance.

YA Lit: Putting the “Adult” in “Young Adult”

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I’m pretty officially an adult. I have a full-time job, a full-time husband, full-time bills, and a part-time metabolism—all signs that I’ve officially passed the point where I have to get nervous about being carded. And yet, when it comes to literature, my genre of choice is more appropriate for a high-school library than my own personal one, and as book sales have shown, I’m hardly alone.

So what is it about young adult literature that is so damn appealing to those of us who could just as easily be reading books for grown-ups? And, more importantly, why do we want to send ourselves back to high school when we spent four years barely managing to claw our way out of it?

In that latter question actually lies part of the answer—because it allows us to do it again as someone else. Weren’t in the popular clique? No problem—try again as Gossip Girl’s Blair Waldorf, Pretty Little Liars’ Hanna Marin, or Sweet Valley High’s Jessica Wakefield. Weren’t the smart standout who somehow manages to seduce an entire school no matter how much she stands out, blunders, or self-effaces? That’s OK–Private’s Reed Brennan and The It Girl’s Jenny Humphrey (yes, that Jenny Humphrey) have got you covered. Weren’t the princess of a totally made-up country? Princess Diaries’ Mia Thermopolous FTW! And let’s not get started on whether or not you had magical powers or fell into a love triangle with a vampire and a werewolf.

But of course, high school isn’t all about what we weren’t; it’s about what we were, and it’s those authors who so successfully encapsulate the enormous range of trials and tribulations of adolescence in their novels, from not having a date to not having a mother, that have turned YA lit into a must-read genre for all ages. High school is, in a manner of speaking, the last “shared American experience” before we all diverge in myriad ways; although we didn’t all go to college or vocational school or seminary, or become teachers or doctors or lawyers, we all spent the four years preceding those adventures in a fairly similar environment.

Because being a teenager isn’t like being an adult. The relationships between characters in your average contemporary young adult book don’t include the complications of marriage, divorce, and kids. The ways they choose to resolve the issues they face don’t have to take into account how they will affect their jobs or their children, or how they’ll continue to pay their bills. The young adult’s perspective is a selfish and narrow one in the most innocent meanings of those words, and one that I think all adults miss being able to have every now and again.

But make no mistake—there’s nothing lighthearted about today’s bestselling contemporary YA. The sci-fi/fantasy subgenres have proven that YA books can appeal to any age or gender, and in order to keep up, contemporary authors are now veering away from the old teen-centric topics like romance, social competition, and puberty, and replacing them with the types of subjects that possess the depth and universality to appeal to all ages in order to obtain a similar “crossover” appeal, creating a new sub-sub-genre which is all but officially referred to as “Edgy YA.” It’s a silly word choice—does anyone say “edgy” non-ironically anymore?—but the truth of the matter is that the boldness of authors covering major issues in the latest crop of books is nothing short of astonishing, and for teens who don’t even know how to begin discussing topics like rape, suicide, eating disorders, drugs, and school shootings, the value of having an author speak frankly on the subject in a book targeted to their age group is immeasurable.

For those interested in coming over to the dark side, a few recommendations for where to begin:

Leftovers and Such a Pretty Girl, both by Laura Wiess. The former is a unique look at the capability of average, relatable teens to do terrible things in response to abuse and abandonment; the latter, a book from the perspective of a teenage girl whose father is returning from prison early after being put away for sexually abusing her. I highly recommend both, but if you’ll only try one, make it Leftovers for its absolutely perfect final line.

Speak and Wintergirls, both by Laurie Halse Anderson. Anderson is pretty much the mistress of edgy YA, and each of these books alone could justify why. The woman is brutal when it comes to honesty and detail, and Speak has, for years now, been the young adult novel about date rape. (If you read nothing else by LHA, at least read this post from her blog in which she addresses a professor’s claim that Speak is soft pornography.) In 2009, Anderson added Wintergirls to her list of publications, a chilling and powerful depiction of eating disorders from the perspective of an anorexic whose bulimic frenemy has just passed away.

Th1rteen R3asons Why by Jay Asher. Rarely has a standalone YA novel generated this much attention and praise so quickly. Throw in the facts that this was Asher’s debut and that it was just acquired by Universal and you’re looking at a bonafide literary phenomenon. This novel about teen suicide, told from the perspective of the boy who loved the girl who killed herself and left behind thirteen tapes to explain the motivations behind her actions, is not only a heartbreaker but an insightful look into how seemingly meaningless words and gestures can snowball into dangerous consequences when paired with an adolescent mind.

If I Stay by Gayle Forman. (NB: Clicking either the book or the link will be the littlest bit spoilery.) A heartbreaking work from start to finish, If I Stay takes place almost entirely within the subconscious of its heroine Mia as she lies in a coma following a car accident that’s just claimed both of her parents. As its title suggests, the book is an examination of her life up to that point as she struggles to decide whether her new life will be worth living or whether it’s time to stop fighting.

The Hate List by Jennifer Brown. This incredibly dark novel about the aftereffects of a school shooting–particularly on those who loved the shooter–is impossible to read without reflecting on the similar tragic events in our nation’s recent history. Told from the perspective of the girlfriend of the now-deceased shooter, who is still struggling to understand her role in the mass-murder, this book feels like a must-read for anyone who’s ever wanted to think about school shootings in any way other than as they’re presented by the media.

I’d also be remiss if I didn’t mention Before I Fall and Delirium, both by Lauren Oliver, although I have not yet read either one due to their not yet being available in paperback. They are both widely considered to be excellent, and I hope to confirm that as soon as possible.

Most importantly, however, I feel credit should be given where credit is due, and I don’t think any single person on Earth deserves credit for the propagation of frank literary dialogue with teens like Judy Blume. No author of books for teens has boldly faced down as much controversy as Ms. Blume for her books which address topics like puberty, masturbation, losing your virginity, and bullying. Judy Blume started the discussions no one was having, and if my word isn’t enough for you, perhaps the fact that a compilation with this title actually exists will do it.

Happy reading!