bbqcornnuts

108 posts
Bbqcornnuts is a certified hive poker and unusual behavior anthropologist. Direct all complaints to bbqcornnuts.gmail.com or to twitter at @cptdenver.

Tracking the Crazies: Freebirth


The culture of childbirth has changed significantly since I was I was born (back when God was a boy and dinosaurs roamed the earth). There have been many movements concerning more natural approaches to childbirth. Homebirth has become more popular as women feel more confident about controlling their birth experience.

When it comes to having a baby, you have several options that are well-known: Standard birth in the hospital with drugs, Standard birth in the hospital without drugs, c—sections (I hope no one attempts these without drugs), and home birth. You can have an obstetrician or a midwife attend your birth. Some women elect to have a doula who helps advocate for the mother during the birth. This seems like a reasonable number of choices.

But there is one more choice you may not know about. It’s called Freebirth – natural childbirth without a medical attendant. No doctors, no midwives, nothing. It’s not emergency childbirth. It’s a planned event. Homebirths are usually not legally restricted if a certified nurse midwife attends. However, laws vary widely by state. There are some restrictions against unassisted childbirth, but they are few and are rarely enforced. As you might guess, many medical societies in the U.S. and abroad have come out strongly against Freebirth.

Unassisted childbirth advocates claim that a woman knows her own body best and should be making all the decisions. They make the valid point that a woman should be supported emotionally during childbirth. Many advocates believe that interventions from doctors are more dangerous than the risks of childbirth and interventions can interfere with maternal bonding. They believe that the best way to support a woman is to leave her alone – no drugs, no fetal monitors or other medical equipment. They say that women should not fear childbirth but embrace it. The women typically don’t receive prenatal care but do research on their own.

This is all well and good, but I, of course, have an opinion about this (I have an opinion about everything). I would be terrified to give birth without a medical professional nearby. That would definitely increase my fear and would make me feel very unsupported. I don’t think doctors are always right, but the “natural” mortality rate of childbirth—no interventions – has been estimated as being 1500 deaths per 100,000 births. In the US, the current rate of deaths is 10 per 100,000. Those are pretty different death rates.

Homebirth, free or not, was never an option for me. I didn’t want to have to do the cleaning afterwards and neither did my husband. The food in the hospital sucks but they have a janitorial staff there. We didn’t have to worry about scooping the goop out of the tub with a slotted spoon. Also, I dislike pain. I try to seek remedies for it whenever possible.

I found a quote by one advocate that said: “Birth is sexual and spiritual, magical and miraculous”. I think she might be over idealizing things a smidge, but I only really take issue with the word “sexual.” For those of you who haven’t been involved in a birth, I should let you know that there are a lot of things about birth that you don’t learn until you’re pregnant. Once you start reading in-depth about birth, you find out some icky things. That’s why the word “sexual” amuses me. So, which part is sexual? The pooping on yourself? The blood? The vernix? The baby? I don’t know about you but in my mind, the presence of a baby takes all the sensuality out of any situation.

The community of people who want to make birth as natural as possible are always coming up with new ideas. In addition to Freebirth, there are some other fun ideas:

  • There is a whole set of people who don’t believe in cutting the umbilical cord. They leave it on until it falls off on its own. That means the placenta hangs around for a few days after the birth. It’s called Lotus Birth and I totally didn’t make it up. Gah!. You either wrap the baby and the cord and the placenta up together. You can also keep a bowl beside the baby to hold the placenta. The corn will dry up and detach naturally within a few days. Then you can have a ceremonial burial for the placenta or make a stuffed animal out of it or whatever floats your boat.
  • There’s a thing called orgasmic birth which is exactly what it sounds like. I think you have to get to a certain level of Zen to achieve it. Here’s a quote: “If conception feels good, why not childbirth?” There are women who have claimed to experience it. It hasn’t happened to anyone I know. However, here are some quotes from women it actually had this experience:
  • If you want to see videos and share thoughts with the members of this community, here is a good website: http://www.unassistedchildbirth.com/. I saw the woman who runs this site in a documentary. The film was about unusual birth decisions and WHEW DOGGIES did she stand out as a crazy.

Pregnancy – The Home Stretch

Do you remember waiting for Christmas or your birthday as a child? The wait seemed eternal, especially the last couple of days. You felt like you were going to spontaneously combust because of excitement. When you’re pregnant and near the end of your term, this is often how you feel. You’ve had enough of being pregnant and you really want to meet your baby. Plus, you feel like a whale and you would really like to see your feet again.

At the very end of pregnancy, you stop fearing labor. Instead, you begin to worry that you will always be pregnant. Forever. This is your main fear and it replaces any concerns you had about delivery. You want the baby out and you want it out now. I think this is nature’s way of making moms brave enough for labor.

When you’re in the home stretch of pregnancy and complain, there are evil, sadistic people who say things like “Relax, get some sleep and enjoy the end of your pregnancy.” They counsel that you won’t get sleep when the baby arrives so you should stock up on sleep. This is ludicrous advice because sleeping in the last 2 weeks of pregnancy impossible for the following reasons:

  • You can’t roll over
  • Your skin feels like it’s being stretched over a drying rack
  • You have pee every 7.8 seconds
  • You have occasional contractions that keep getting your damn hopes up
  • You are so swollen that you somewhat resemble the Pillsbury Dough Boy

I don’t mean to sound negative about pregnancy. I really wanted to be pregnant both times. I was thrilled to be having the children. However, my pregnancies became difficult and uncomfortable due to some health problems that were exacerbated by pregnancy. Also, I am a stunningly impatient person. Waiting for 9 months was almost unbearable for me. I would have preferred to place an order and receive a baby within 48 hours. But, nature does not operate that way.

So, when I was within a week of my due date, the sole focus in my life was labor. I wanted it to happen so bad. I would have welcomed labor pains like a child welcomes candy. I began to look for ways to induce labor. The most popular approach, from what I read, is sex. I’m not even going to comment on the feasibility of sex at the last phases of pregnancy. There are logistical issues which are complicated by the fact that by the end of pregnancy, many women have completely lost their minds. Therefore, most men are terrified of their wives and would rather chew glass then initiate sex.

I decided to investigate a different approach – spicy food. I convinced my husband to take me to one of our favorite Mexican restaurants. I ordered spicy black beans and nachos with salsa that I believe was called “El Culo Diablo.” I picked the hottest peppers out of the salsa and ate them raw with no chips.

“This,” said my husband somberly, “is what desperation looks like.”

Indeed, it was desperation. The Mexican food run did not pay off. I did not go into labor after the meal, but my husband reported that he was able to make the paint in the bathroom peel. I tried several other strategies, including Red Raspberry Leaf tea (tastes much worse than you’d think), long walks (I logged miles), acupuncture and laying on the couch weeping because I was so ready.

The baby, like all babies, came when he felt like it and not one minute sooner. This is the way babies are. They do what they feel like doing and you have little to no control over their behavior. It’s a theme that starts with the birth and continues pretty much for the entire time you are a parent. I suppose pregnancy at least teaches you some patience which is something you really need as a parent.

Photos here and here.

Crazy Parents

85 comments

Our son, who is 3, is playing soccer. He’s in a 2.5 to 4 year old league. You can just imagine the skill level. My purpose in enrolling him was two-fold. First of all, he looks adorable in the uniform. That might have been my primary reason. Secondly, I need to find activities to wear him out. He’s got a lot of energy and if I don’t do something to wear him out, he’s up half the night. Since I am somewhat handicapped, it can be hard for me to do that on my own.

He’s played two games, and when I say “Played”, I mean he’s sat on my or my husband’s lap during two games. He doesn’t seem to be too interested in playing, which is a little annoying, but isn’t that big of a deal. He’s 3. Even if he does better than anyone else in the league, he is only likely to hit the ball in one out of 50 kicks. Clearly, skill isn’t the focus. I actually think, as far as the kids are concerned, that juice boxes are the focus. The parents are mainly there for their own amusement.

At least most of the parents. Tonight I had my first glimpse of the insane sports parents in the earliest available incarnation. They spent most of the game screaming at their daughter, Lucy, who is not even on our team, but showed up to substitute. Poor Lucy (who is THREE) didn’t even know the coach or the other players since it wasn’t her regular team. Her father led much of the shouting. He sounded exactly like Ray Barone if Ray Barone was about to have a stroke from tension.
Here are a few samples:
• “Dammit Lucy, I showed up to see you PLAY!!”
• “Lucy, you’re not focused!”
• “Lucy, you are running around aimlessly!”
• “Dammit Sheila (or whatever his wife’s name is), she’s not even trying!”

I wanted to ask “Trying to what, exactly?” Steal the ball from the kid who is picking his nose? Score a goal, since the net is wide open because the other team’s defense is picking flowers? Wind sprint across the field and slide tackle the kid who has taken his shoes off? What the heck was Lucy’s objective?

I found out a little later that this is Lucy’s second (SECOND!) season of soccer. That explains why Lucy was so far ahead of her teammates. She knew where the field was and seemed to understand that the game began in the center of the field. This gave her a huge advantage over the kids who ran over to their mommies every time the whistle sounded. (My son never got off my lap in the first place and thus was never startled by the whistle).

I don’t know Lucy’s parents at all, but I’m sure they will be easy to track down over the years. They’ll be screaming at the coach at her first grade tee ball games and her father will publicly threaten to disown her when she doesn’t catch a fly ball at her seventh grade softball game. Lucy (she’s 3) is in for a loooong 15 years of parental encouragement. I just hope she doesn’t end up graduating first in her rehab class.
Godspeed, Lucy.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/archer10/3728919227/

Tracking the Crazies: Fruitarians

144 comments

Did you know that group of people who only eat fruit based on the theory that fruit is “Mother’s milk” from the earth. If you eat seeded fruit then poop out the seeds, you are repopulating the fruit population. So, clearly, it’s a circle of life situation and so nature clearly intended for everyone to only eat fruit. There are people who religiously believe this.

Here’s the website where some of them gather if you don’t believe me. You can waste quite a bit of time on this site if you’re bored at work. You might be surprised to learn that “fruit” includes sprouted seeds and nuts, which is a darned good thing, because otherwise I think you’d pass out from hunger on this diet. Fruitarians only eat raw food on the theory that it is living food and therefore has special powers to heal you and make you more complete and happy. Much like other raw foodists (there are others that embrace the vegetable family and some that even eat raw meat GAH), they believe that cooking food destroys important enzymes.

Here’s a quote from the website (I really can’t put this any better) “the fruitarian participate in the nature way of propagating life, spreading the seeds of fruits (we co-operate with the reproduction of new trees and new fruit) and living without killing any form of life which happens when eating vegetables (you have to plant them again).”

Isn’t this awesome? I am dying to know how much time and energy goes into preparing the average fruitarian meal. Next, I start to wonder about the cost, especially in the winter time. I’m a firm believer in eating more fruits and vegetables (even though vegetables are murder according to this theory) and I think most people could stand to eat more produce.

However, I don’t think planning your diet should take upwards of 50% of your time or your budget and I have trouble picturing how you’d manage this diet efficiently.

There are some critics of fruitarians out there. Some are former fruitarians. One wrote that many fruitarians become obsessed with their diets and bowel movements and often become socially isolated. I have hunch that discussing diets and bowel movements are related to the social isolation. Other people experience intense cravings and go on non-fruit binges. It’s not hard to see how that happens either.

My criticism is that this diet sounds awfully religious and that anytime your diet becomes a religion or obsession, you are probably barking up the wrong tree. There are some excellent explanations and critiques of this and other extreme diets at this site if you want to learn more.

Tracking the Crazies – Prince William is the Antichrist

122 comments

I have a long-standing fascination with crazy people. I love them. Absolutely love them. Through Crasstalk, I have found an outlet for this hobby of mine. So, without further ado, here is the inaugural “Tracking the Crazies with BBQ” column.
Recently, I came across an important global issue while mindlessly trolling the internet. This proves that wasting time on the internet is never really a waste. I’ve been fairly wrapped up in my own menial concerns and have failed to keep tabs on the Antichrist. It’s one of my biggest flaws and it was actually my New Year’s resolution to keep a better eye out for the Antichrist. Up until now, I’d failed miserably, but I came across a YouTube video which lead to further research and I have an important revelation about Revelation:
Prince William is the Antichrist.
I know what you’re asking yourself. How the heck did I miss this? I felt stupid too. It’s easy to get mired down in your day to day life and I think most Americans are so overly patriotic that we assume that the antichrist will show up closer to home. I always thought he’d herald from Texas or California but that was just typical American arrogance.
If you Google “Prince William antichrist” you will get more hits than you ever imagined. There are lots of YouTube videos and some detailed reports. I got lost in the middle of some of them but I’ve never claimed to be any kind of biblical scholar. It’s actually taken me days to sort through the research to understand why and how Prince William came to be the Antichrist. I’ll outline them for you briefly.
• Remember when they cloned Dolly the lamb? Well, you were tricked into believing that the lamb was the first clone. Actually, Prince William was the first clone. He was actually cloned from the Shroud of Turin.
• Since Prince William was cloned from the Shroud of Turin, he will have the same DNA as Jesus, whose DNA is on the Shroud of Turin. So, he’ll be able to claim that he’s Jesus reborn because the DNA will be an exact match. But, he won’t be because any clone of Jesus would be an abomination, and would therefore be the Antichrist.
• His family shield has all the harbingers of doom aka signs of the beast a la Revelation. I can’t make head or tails of Revelation but evidently it points clearly to Prince William’s family crest and you can read it for yourself at http://www.cephasministry.com/prophecy_royals_and_the_antichrist.html. I got a screeching headache after about three minutes so consider yourself warned.
There are other miscellaneous details that are convincing evidence in and of themselves. They include:
• He was born right after a solar eclipse on a summer solstice when the sun is most high
• The Lion King was released the week of his 12th birthday. Some think the movie was made as a subtle and cunning tribute to him. His enemy Scar mocks Jesus, who has scars from the crucification. He was the same age when this movie came out as Jesus was when he preached in the temple.
• On March 6th, 1996, Prince William showed the world that he and his two sons William and Charles, had been the first people to be voluntarily implanted with microchips (RFID) in their right hands. This is very beast-y (devil-like) behavior.
• He posed with a lamb in a picture, which is intended to mock the famous picture of Jesus with the lamb.
I think you’ll agree that taken individually, these facts are troubling, but taken as a whole, they all point unmistakably to the fact that Prince William is clearly the Antichrist and we should all be on vigilant alert. He’ll be turning 30 in 2012, which is the year that Jesus began his ministry, so it’s likely that the Antichrist will have a similar schedule. According the Antichrist experts, he is really going to start acting up in 2015, so you will want to start planning accordingly.
Here’s the original video I found, in case you’re interested: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nwJ0PZMbu-w

Lunchtime Poll

71 comments

So, this is what’s called a lunchtime poll.

You inherit 5 million dollars the same day aliens land on the earth and say they’re going to blow it up in 2 days. What do you do?

There are no stupid questions. Except for this one.

Dear Barbie Q: Frosting and Nooky

57 comments

Dear Barbie Q:
1) How do you get a boy to sleep with you on the first date?
2) How do you make frosting from scratch?
Regards,
Tuna Melt
Dear Tuna Melt,
I could make so, so many disgusting tuna melt sex jokes here, but instead I will contribute the one piece of frosting knowledge that I have. To access it, we must return to a simpler time, a time when the first Mildred of my family’s Mildred trilogy reigned. That would be my tiny blue-haired grandmother who voraciously read Harlequin romances and always wore white gloves when she left the house. She managed to convince nearly everyone around her that she was sickly and on the verge of death although she was healthy as a horse until she was 98 and a half.

She made a frosting from cocoa powder and cool whip and it was delicious. It is the only thing I ever saw her cook.
Here’s the recipe:
¼ cup Hershey’s Cocoa powder
3 Tbs. confectioners’ sugar
1 tub o’Cool Whip
1/2 tsp. vanilla extract

Adjust amount of cocoa to your personal preference. Frost anything. Mildred the First always used it on yellow cake.

If you’re looking for nooky, I suggest inviting your suitor to your house for dessert after the movie, dinner or whatever. Frost yourself. Decorate with strawberries and/or blueberries for an added intriguing touch.

Deliciously yours,
Barbie Q

Dear Barbie Q: How to deal with trolls

42 comments

Dear Barbie Q:
I just saw a comment on Gawker CT, wherein I got name-checked by someone I’ve largely considered to be an obnoxious troll. (She was addressing the CT community at large.) I have to admit that what she said made sense to me. There is a fine line between enjoyment and addiction, and maybe CT was more of the latter for many of us.

After you read the following quote from Total Package (!!), I would appreciate it if you would share your own thoughts/insights regarding the fine line between enjoyment and addiction. (Does not need to be specifically related to the internet; any life experiences you’d like to share are most welcome.
“You people are all acting like a bunch of low rent, trailer trash tranny hookers who just got their dimebag of black tar heroin taken away from them by their pimp for not turning enough tricks. LISTEN TO YOURSELVES!!! You can’t tell your anus from your mouth cause you are spouting shit out of both of them all day long!!! You are totally addicted to this site!!! (And I dont mean just you Salome Valentine…we all know how many times you’ve tried to pull yourself away.) Why not use this screwup as a final attempt to break free from your addiction. Otherwise if you are willing to stick with Gawker even after this mess you are slaves for life.”
What do you think?
-Salome Valentine

Dear Salome Valentine:
Here’s the problem: You are calling this person a troll, but she is actually a divine sage inspired by the Egyptian Goddess of Truth and Justice, Ma’at. The Goddess is guided by 42 divine principles (http://www.kenseamedia.com/egyptian_gods/maat.htm), including
• I have not spoken scornfully against others
• I have not used fiery words nor stirred up any strife
• I have not been unduly proud nor acted with arrogance.
• I have not been angry without good reason.
If you carefully read the message, you can see the signs of divine inspiration. They include multiple punctuation marks within a single sentence, capitalization for the purpose of divine guidance, vehemence in inverse proportion to provocation, and ire concerning matters that are utterly extraneous to the message’s composer’s interests.
The appropriate way to handle this is to contact the sage and ask for divine guidance. Clearly, the sage is spending her time on worthy and just causes. Where would we be if she was not targeting commenters and attacking them so that they will be worried into to happiness and harmony?
Don’t be embarrassed, you’ve made a common error. If you feel the need to apologize to the goddess, an animal sacrifice may be in order. I suggest a jackal. Or possibly, a hamster.

Barbie Q’s Advice Column

19 comments

This is a new feature in which I will take relationship questions and dispense advice based on concrete principles such as what my cat thinks or how my 2 year old daughter responds.
Dear Barbie Q:
I own a store that has a bunch of long-time, loyal shoppers. The thing is, they kind of get on my nerves. They are always making snarky remarks and inside jokes. They always show up and buy lots of stuff, but I’d like to attract new shoppers and I think the clique that hangs out at my store is driving away potential shoppers. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Mr. Nique

Dear Mr. Nique
Here’s my advice – get rid of the whiny, self-centered shoppers as soon as possible. I recommend a few strategies:
• Install a door a revolving door and pretend it’s broken when the clique-y shoppers try to come in
• Invite potential shoppers who may or may not be interested in buying your product. This will overcrowd the store and annoy the clique-y shoppers and force them to shop elsewhere
• If the clique-y shopper express special love for any product, stop carrying it immediately
• Make them go to the back of the line if they make smartassed comments

If this doesn’t work, I recommend sending in an attack hamster. Let me know if you need a reference. I know a good one.