Now that BaldwinP wants to know our Hollywood movie pitches, let’s take a second to discuss one of the reasons why the studios need our ideas.
So, Jeremy Renner. Okay, we’ve seen you doing your undercover operative thing in Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol and The Bourne Legacy, and we’ve also seen you act as scintillating as velour wallpaper as Hawkeye in Thor and The Avengers. Fine. Whatever. We get it, you like a good mix of stoicism combined with some light-hearted summer blockbuster fare. However, this in no way excuses the shit-vehicle that is surely to be Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters .
You need to fire your agent. Or you need to have less control over your movie-making decisions. Who are you Nic Cage on a bender after filming The Wicker Man? Some things just aren’t done, and strapping on a crossbow (again) and a shotgun and taking a trip into some sort of Van Helsing/League of Extraordinary Gentlemen descent into abhorrent filmaking isn’t a wise move. There literally should have been no treatment spiel anyone at Paramount could have sold that would’ve made this a good choice. No, not that it would be fun. Not that the kids will love it. Not that you need to lighten up and do something cool. No. Not any of these things makes the lines, “My name is Gretel and this is my brother, Hansel” Blam, Blam, Guitar Riff, Headbutt, Bang, Zoom, One Liner, Crash, Crash — justifiable in a movie ever, ever at all.
Despite what everyone must have told you — just so you know, Jeremy — no one will like this movie. It’s causing groans all across the reviewing community. At best this is a new series on weird 1970’s network, NBC. You know that place where they see something on another network like HBO or Showtime and decide to give it a shot by crippling the premise and mocking the viewers by calling them stupid every week? Yeah, this is what this is. This is in no way a film anyone will think is worth $11. So frankly you’ll owe some of us money, and we won’t care about your upcoming films, the Untitled James Gray Project, the Untitled David O. Russell/Abscam Project, or Mission: Impossible 5 where you’re supposed to be the next big star in the franchise. And the only way you’ll be able to come back from this is to probably let Meryl Streep slap you around a bit or something. Barring that perhaps Stanley Tucci has a bowler hat you can wear as you sing in a musical, or perhaps you can suffer from the Plague in France in the 1500s. These are literally the only things you can do to salvage a career after you’ve Van Helsinged it. Hugh Jackman will call you.
Everyone else…don’t see this movie.
