This is the only way to make sure Rick Santorum gets the nomination.
And get the nomination he must. Why? Well, because he’s a natural gaffe machine so full of ideological wingnuttery that he often finds himself in various quagmires and the equivalent to bubble-brained, hair-raising quick sand. And this, friends, is the kind of guy who you want out there front and center spouting all kinds of noxious garbage as the representative for the Republican party.
You see, this tactic worked well in the past. Somehow Mitt was stopped in his tracks in 2008 with the rise of poor, desperate, John McCain and the gift of Sarah “Say All Things Foolish and Damn Nuts” Palin. It couldn’t have been planned better if we’d done it ourselves. In fact, don’t you wonder if Democrats didn’t have a plant inside the McCain team who watched footage of all the potential Veep candidates with the eye of Ed McMahon reviewing Star Search contestants? “That one, boys! She’s got spunk!” It was so clandestine it’s a shame no Democrat had a hand in it, because once McCain let the fear of losing set in so badly, it was mere child’s play to suggest that he pluck a virtual nobody off a snow mountain in Alaska, unvetted, unchecked, and underestimated in her dastardly penchant for crashing a bus into a river. Genius it was! Since we can clearly see similar makings in this Santorum person, we’ll need to act swiftly because Super Tuesday is less than a week away!
What could desperation lead Santorum to produce? Already he’s called the president a snob because he believes in higher education for all. Yes, Santorum, the Penn State graduate who has a MBA from the University of Pittsburgh, and a law degree from Dickinson School of Law at Penn State, has decided to wage war, yes WAR against education, calling college liberal indoctrination mills. Yes, so much so, Ricky, that you needed to be indoctrinated three times, eh? Oh, imagine if Santorum had already gotten the nomination and he puked out this little gem. It would’ve been a golden opportunity for Obama to descend upon him like the tail end of a sweater vest caught in a paper shredder. For now though, he has to mostly ignore him because he’s not the front runner, and THIS SUCKS!
As many have noted, and by many, I will also include Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert, Santorum’s biggest failing is the fact that he’s so honest about his odious batshittery that it’s like a compulsive disorder. Where Romney has finesse and style, albeit robotic and cold like a hard, deadened tree branch in the middle of January, Santorum can’t keep every single thought from leaping from his brain and out his mouth like some insane tourettes-of-bullshit! Romney mostly knows — with the exception of talking about his wife’s Cadillacs or his obscene amount of money-pies he has stored in his attic and in offshore bank accounts — just what to say to charge up the base, what not to say in order to appeal to the moderates, and how every now and then to pander to the independents. Santorum is a big ol crazy man-blob of inanity! That guy wants to buy rapists Father’s Day gifts!
That’s neither here nor there, because we can’t chance robotic chameleon MittenLizard Romney making it all the way to the top. He’s a frigging borg! All he needs is the song cartridge from an abandoned Teddy Ruxpin and he’ll dance along to whatever song the GOP has strumming on their old player piano. We need Santorum’s off-the-cuff nutterdom. His blatant disregard for logic and lack of catering to his largest critics. So I submit that we start some kind of Democrats For the Re-election of President Obama — Santorum Super Tuesday PAC, just to keep our new best blowhard friend in the race now to ensure a Democratic future later. Maybe we can call it the Santorum Must Eventually Greatly Master Adversity PAC. or S.M.E.G.M.A. Not to be mistaken for his actual PAC, Conservatives Unite Moneybomb, C.U.M. Right? Right.
It’s already happening. We can feel it! Romney’s campaign released this on its website Tuesday:
Since Santorum Can’t Win Among Republicans, His Campaign Is Paying To Recruit Democrats Into The GOP Primary To Vote Against Governor Romney. “Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum is sending out automated phone messages encouraging Michigan Democrats to vote against his rival Mitt Romney in Tuesday’s GOP primary. The ‘robocall’ going around Monday says Democrats should send ‘a loud message’ to Romney by voting for Santorum. The message says it’s supported by ‘hard-working Democratic men and women’ and paid for by the Santorum campaign.” (“Santorum Cold Calls Michigan Democrats To Encourage Vote Against Romney,” FoxNews.com, 2/28/12)
Fantastic!
The only hitch in our plan is this guy, College Rick, or as this picture boldly pronounces Thaddeus Richard Santorum the Third. HA, ha! What! That guy has a beard and a fooking pipe!
While Santorum recently wanted to rail against college by claiming how ostracized and ridiculed he was for his very outspoken conservative beliefs — as reported by HuffPost — Rick’s frat brothers from Tau Epsilon Phi depicted a very different underclassman. Rick, you see, was a sports fanatic, poker player, a bartender, and a guy who zoomed the girls. He wasn’t a wall flower or a shunned pariah. Basically, his frat bros called him a pretty chill, cool dude, and they have a hard time rectifying the guy he is now with the guy they drank beer with, who was pro-choice, and a self-identified moderate back in their college days. Is this where all that liberal indoctrination business comes from, Rick? Okay. So what sort of far right deprogramming initiative did you undergo to erase the liberalness, eh, because that face-hugger full of wacky politics impregnated the shit out of you! Now you’re forced to have its babies!
Judging from this photo, it really must be like waking up to find the Boogey Man had been peeing in the stall right next to theirs.
So basically, it’s this guy who’s the biggest worry for us all right now. What if Thaddeus Richard Santorum the Third appears again to steal Ohio away from Romney on Tuesday night?
Well, that would be bad. Very bad. We like the crazy train. We need the crazy train.
We’re going to act like Thaddeus Richard Santorum the Third didn’t exist and we’ll keep up hope that “Rick The Sweater Czar,” and not “Welcome Back Kotter in the Relaxed Fit Jeans With the Inexcusable Hair Pelt,” stays around for a bit longer, possibly for forever.
Let’s get some Santormentum going! Okay? Okay!
