Debate log #2349-When we last saw our intrepid (or is it incompetent?) candidates, they were poking out each others’ eyes with their words. Rick Perry was sleepy. Mitt Romney was for something, then against it, then undecided, then for it. Herman Cain was in the single digits, and Jon Huntsman was recycling his ties. Michelle Bachmann was dumb. At least that one hasn’t changed.
Now, what of tonight? Since the last debate, the Occupy Wall Street movement has gained steam. So has the Red State ‘counter movement’ the aptly, and dumbly named ‘53%ers’, named for the highest grade any of them ever achieved in Civics.
Who wins tonight? Who loses? Hint: 99% of us.
I’ll likely join the proceedings a bit late, but let’s explore the studio space on the finest, sadly, that the GOP has to offer.
This is GI in for BR. Are you ready to RUMBLEEEEEEE?????
Man, I love me some Charlie Rose.
Oh Christ, the Kitchen Table metaphor.
Santorum? He’s still here?
Soul Pizza, 999 right off the bat. He avoids actually really answering the question. One Trick Pony. What about the politics?
Perry goes for folksy and what does he mean by the energy industry, fracking?
Rommney. He just goes for Obama. Nice answer for its epic vagueness. Uh-OH, he concedes democrats are people. Dead in the water.
Oooo. Populist Bachman gets the anti-Wall Street question.
8:08-Hey, kids, I’m here now. GI-thanks so much for pinch hitting. I would have been here sooner, but apparently, Bloomberg TV doesn’t exist in HD. Welcome to the 1996 Presidential debate, I’ll sit here quietly and wait for Bob Dole to show up.
8:10- Newt draws an important distinction-If he agrees with them, they are law abiding, God-fearing people. If not, then-TERRORISTS! Good to know.
8:11- Right, it’s the politicians that have been taking all of these actions without a single, solitary corporate dollar tied to them. Thanks, Newt.
8:14- I have nothing to say about Ron Paul other than his eyebrows are clearly from the Jim Henson Workshop.
8:15- Companies didn’t WANT to ship their jobs offshore, they just HAD to get that 15 cent/hour labor. Paying a living wage is for suckers.
8:16- Another Huntsman zinger! Terrific.
8:17- Newt hasn’t been the speaker in a over a decade. Let it go, lady.
8:20- Here come the health care questions. These never make my head explode. OOOH Scare tactics-Obama wants Medicare to ‘collapse’. Michelle doesn’t want politicians to make our medical decisions, but, profiteers are free to.
8:22- Huntsman finally says what we’re all thinking- 9-9-9 is clearly a pizza purchasing plan, not an economic policy.
8:24- Herman Cain doesn’t have the facts to back this up, but 9-9-9 WILL pass. Yeah, I went there.
8:25- Mitt has spent his entire life in the private sector, buying businesses, laying people off, turning a profit, getting out…he knows how this shit works, people!
8:27- ‘Look, nobody likes a Wall Street bailout…except for my donors’
8:28- Wistful for Milton Friedman? That sounds about right.
8:30- Call me crazy, but it sounds like Mitt just advocated for the government picking winners and losers-um…what?
8:31- Herman Cain then says that they should have applied the bailout ‘equitably’-SOCIALIST!
8:33- God, Ron Paul is just so beautifully crazy. Sound money! I’d like my money to quack like a duck.
8:37- Ooh, crafty Charlie Rose-using Reagan against the fucking cunts. That’s fighting dirty, old man.
8:38- Are we finally figuring out that Rick Perry is just dumb? The last time I said ‘um’ that many times was during my book report on ‘To Kill A Mockingbird’. In the 7th grade.
8:40- Mittens almost snuck in ‘Cut, Cap, & Balance’ in that answer, but never got to the balance part. Repatriation will solve everything, especially the vicious Yacht Crisis in the Hamptons.
8:42- In fairness, Newt, the Tea Party IS too stupid to balance the budget.
8:43- We all paid a lot of taxes this year, Michelle? I thought half the population didn’t pay ANY taxes. I’m so confused.
8:44- Michelle, you haven’t earned a living since Marcus was straight, shut it.
8:45- Just in case Cain gets the nomination, I’m going to start calling the 9-9-9 plan the ‘9-1-1’ plan, because it will put our country on life support. You’re welcome, Obama campaign.
8:47- I’m not even sure what to do with that Bachmann response. ‘9-9-9, It’s the DEBIL’.
8:50- I’m going to act like the rest of the media and go ahead an ignore Jon Huntsman now.
8:51- If I thought Mittens would actually label China in that way, I’d almost think about voting for him, just to see if he’d fucking do it. But, I know he’ll change his mind tomorrow.
8:53- A question asking for specifics? That doesn’t play well in a political debate. Jesus fuck, repeal Obamacare again, Rick? And now he can’t even shut himself up. Poor Charlie Rose, people used to respect him.
8:56- What are you going to replace it with, Mitt? People stealing insulin from small children and self administered blood transfusions?
8:58- Look, kid, if I’m not going to take my policy advice from an old rich white guy, I’m sure as shit not going to take it from a ginger child in a sweater vest.
9:04-These little kids in the commercials sure are ungrateful little pricks, aren’t they? YOU GET TO LIVE IN THE GREATEST COUNTRY EVAH, THAT’S WHAT YOU GET!
9:06- Michelle, just dig up Reagan’s body and blow his corpse already. For crying out loud.
9:08- Texas has the 2nd lowest debt per capita, and the highest number of dumb, hungry kids per capita #IDon’tHavetheFactsToBackThisUp
9:09- I’ll give Mitt credit for this-he was very matter of fact about putting that simpleton Cain in place in noting that our economy is not a simple thing to solve for.
9:11- Hey, look, Newt’s going to use a economics term to lie about economics. If you earn incremental income, you don’t lose ‘economic effectiveness’ by paying a few more cents in taxes.
9:11- Romney sounds damn near like a Democrat in defending the middle class there. Too bad he doesn’t believe that shit.
9:14- Ron Paul just makes me laugh. He’s right about auditing the Fed. We’re at least entitled to the information. Sidebar: I wonder if Herman is mad that Huntsman didn’t wear his yellow tie again.
9:16- Rick Perry really is a frat boy, as noted below. He can’t even come up with his own criticism of Romney’s plan. It’s like he brought someone else’s policy paper to the debate tonight.
9:17- Romney is really playing up this ‘compassionate conservative angle’. It’s a wonderful strategy for the general election, but not the primary, where the average GOP voter would light his neighbor on fire for suggesting we need national health care.
9:19- Romney, you pussy, go after Perry, you know you want to. Bachmann will bury herself, you don’t need to waste time on her. I’m really curious who all these business folks are who are saying that health care is what’s causing them not to hire. I thought it was flagging demand, but then again, what do I know, I only have my MBA.
9:21- Fucking Santorum-first, 9-9-9 doesn’t provide enough revenue, now, it gives the federal government a giant tax revenue boondoggle. Sidebar-There was a category on Jeopardy! tonight called ‘Google it’, I kept rooting for a question to be about Santorum. Alas, Trebek has no sense of humor.
9:23- Last break, per Charlie Rose. Good.
9:25- 2011 Alex P. Keaton needs you to know about the problems in the tax code. These fucking kids, seriously.
9:27- Something very telling in Perry’s answer there: So they can ‘purchase’ healthcare. Because life has a price, folks.
9:30- Alan Greenspan, really? You mean the guy who helped drive this bitch into the ground? Newsflash-Greenspan was proved demonstrably wrong by almost every count by 2008. Of course, that’s too simple for Herman Cain. Cain’s so on top of this, he’s going to appoint TWO Fed Chairmen…that’s efficiency folks.
9:33- Audience question time! Apparently, this question is for Charlie Rose, who probably has a better chance of giving a real answer to this than any of these idiots.
9:34- Because if I want to know the truth about banking regulations, I go right to bankers. Since they are the most honest folks on the block.
9:36- Soul Pizza, we get it-you love 9-9-9. It’s not cute anymore.
9:37- Rick Perry doesn’t think the federal gov’t shouldn’t be involved in funding for new technologies. This fucking idiot realizes there’s a fucking massive NASA flight center in his state, right? What does he call that? Like your GPS dipshit? Yeah. You’re welcome.
9:40- Uh-oh, using W.’s home ownership speech against them. Newt is so full of shit. Jimmy Carter’s speech 30 years ago was the fucking truth. It still is, sadly, b/c we bury our heads in the sand.
9:41- First of all, the idea that there’s only 14 million unemployed is the biggest misnomer ever. Nice backtrack, Soul Pizza, it’s only those few thousand people in New York who are dirty liberal hippies.
9:43- Oh, it only took 1 hour, 44 minutes to talk about income disparity. This should be fun.
9:44- For fuck’s sake. All of these people living in poverty, they all got there in the last 2 1/2 years. Sure, Perry. And Santorum jumps in one more time to talk about ‘family values’. And, a heckler, finally. If someone can actually make that out, let me know.
9:47- Lightning round-I’ll see if I can keep up.
9:48- Bachmann’s from a broken home? That explains some things. I don’t care how many foster kids she’s taken in, she’s still a thoughtless asshole.
9:49- Soul Pizza-he was ‘po before he was poor’. Street cred, motherfuckers!
9:49- It’s fun to me that Newt is still in this thing. Does anyone take him seriously? He sounds like GOP chair now.
9:50- Ron Paul didn’t say anything substantive at all. Seriously, nothing.
9:50- How does Santorum propose to create those manufacturing jobs? Oh right, WAR WITH CHINA!
9:51- Poor Jon Huntsman. I’m still ignoring him.
9:51- Rick Perry really just doesn’t have anything useful to offer. Make America, America again. Are we having an identity crisis?
9:52- Oh, Mittens, you managed to work the military into your statement? Good lord, you’re not tough.
Good lord, that was exhausting. These things really are becoming redundant. Did you know there’s another one of these a week from now? They need to whittle this field down so we can start having some more substantive discussions. Shouldn’t the Koch Brothers have made some phone calls and eliminated Bachmann, Gingrich, Paul, and Santorum by now? You could probably throw Huntsman in that group right now, since he’s the reasonable one.
But, no, we’ll continue to carry on into that cool New Hampshire night. Eight candidates, three ideas, one goal-to give Lloyd Blankfein a lap dance for some sweet sweet Goldman Sachs PAC donations.
