Real women drink. Some real women drink more than others. But ALL real women drink certain things.
Now, this isn’t about the ways grown-ass women drink. If you’re looking for tips on how to be an adult and/or a lady while imbibing, you need not get tips from someone who made plans to drink with/spend the night with a ginger chick from the Internet she’s never seen, hit said ginger upside the head during a heated bar argument about whether corn is gendered (it is), take her shoes off at the bar, and then accept “mystery drinks” made by the bartender because he’s impressed at the speed and volume of the author’s dirty martini consumption.*
*In the spirit of Lady Day, let’s give furiouslyred a hand for being an accessory to this debacle.
So, I don’t know how you might behave, and, whatever, you might think you’re better than me by not vomiting at the bar so you can continue drinking, but I can tell you what to drink. Put your big girl panties on.
No mixed drinks.
Sorry. Rules are rules. I will slap the Cosmopolitan right out your hand. Go back to 2004. Any drink that has more than two ingredients is ridiculous and you look like a high-maintenance hooker.
I’m a firm believer in straight booze. It’s meant to be consumed that way. If you hate the taste, why are you drinking it? To get drunk? Well, man up, so to speak. That burn you feel when you take a sip of scotch is the burn of your feelings floating away.
If you really can’t do brown liquor, cultivate a love of vodka. It’s virtually tasteless. For those of you who want to argue, just work on it. It’s an acquired taste, like black coffee, or semen. But vodka on the rocks is badass, for girls. And it really is super low calorie compared to your stupid French Coconut Flirtini.
Protip: cucumber vodka . It’s got a little flavor, but it’s not disgustingly sweet. Pearl makes a good cheap one, and Effen makes a better one. Rocks, maybe a splash of water, garnish, DONE.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only acceptable mixed drinks:
- liquor plus soda water
- real martinis (gin or vodka, dirty and/or dry)
- a splash of water in scotch or vodka
- if you MUST, the “skinny bitch”: vodka and Diet Coke
Learn something about wine.
Listen, if you want to drink your box of Franzia white zin in the comfort of your own home, that’s between you and your cat. But in public, you should at least appear to be somewhat cultured.
Pick a wine. NOT WHITE ZIN, and preferably something a little off the beaten path (not Chardonnay, not Merlot)…and learn a tiny bit about it. That way, you can actually order a decent glass/bottle of wine when you’re out without picking the most expensive wine, which is often not the best one, and also you look like a classy ho.
Learn something about beer.
Stop drinking Miller Lite. I mean, you CAN, and Raptor Jesus knows that money and lack of true taste has led me to appreciate some terrible, terrible beers, but there are a lot of truly delicious beers out there. If you are ordering a Michelob Ultra at a place that has three hundred beers, you don’t deserve your grownup vulva.
Just try some. If you really, really like lighter beers, there are plenty of delicious beers that aren’t the weight of Guinness. Sierra Nevada Pale Ale’s a fine start if you really haven’t had a beer that doesn’t come from Milwaukee or St. Louis, ever. If you really want to be girly, there are some great beers with fruit flavors to them (try Abita Purple Haze, yum yum yum).
Not that you’re in the drinking game to get laid, but, you know, drinking beer, good beer, says you’re a way cooler chick than the one drinking a chocolate martini.
These are the basic rules. Follow these, and you can get falling-down drunk like a boss. Like me.
