For most woman the ultimate goal of dating is to find a nice, stable relationship with a man she can make a life with. I am not that woman. I really only want to make friends with a man for a night (or maybe a few nights) of casual fun before I get back to all of the crap I have to get done on any given day. Not only do I not have time for men, I won’t make it. It’s not that I don’t like men, I have great relationships with my male friends and co-workers, but I don’t want to hassle with a relationship and I don’t want one moving into my house. Since I am not in a relationship, I have to get my sweet lovin’ another way, and for me that is the one-night stand. Let me tell you how one works.
Let me start by saying that you can meet men for this kind of activity online on sites like OKCupid and Craig’s List, but I am old-fashioned, so I prefer bars. Also, if you meet a guy in a bar you see what he actually looks like and can make sure he is not wearing a wedding ring. Plus, hooking up in bars is a time-honored American tradition like football and election fraud.
Here is your obligatory warning about safety. Make sure someone knows you are bringing home a special friend. Have a friend who can text you after a couple of hours to make sure you are fine and can stop by if you don’t answer (it usually helps if this friend is a burly dude). I usually insist on going to my place because I have a scary looking dog who would bite anyone who gave me any trouble. That being said, very few men are actually serial killers, and are just trying to get the same sexy times you are. Always wear a condom, always.
Now, let’s get started. First, go to the bar alone or with friends who will get out of your hair if find a suitable partner. This kind of thing doesn’t work on girl’s night out because you will inevitably just ended up hanging out with your friends. Also, your friends will find something wrong with any man you set your sights on. You could be getting hot looks from George Clooney and your girlfriends will still decide he isn’t good enough for you.
Don’t pick up a guy who is alone. First, he may be waiting for a date and that would be awkward. Second, you can get a pretty quick read on a guy by watching how he interacts with his friends. Also, guys are more servicey about hook-ups, so they will get out of your hair if things look like they are going somewhere and will help move things along if their buddy is clueless.
Don’t pick the hottest guy in the group. He’s probably a smug jerk who gets plenty of tail anyway. Plus, you don’t want the best-looking guy, you want the guy who is the most fun. Look for a sense of humor, good stories, a happy attitude.
Buy him a drink. Guys always end up buying women drinks and they really like it if you buy one for them. Also, buying someone a drink is the universal code for “let’s discuss hooking up.” If you are a liberated enough woman to be picking up someone in a bar, you are liberated enough to buy a man a couple of beers.
Talk about him. Guys have pretty sensitive egos and it is really important for them to feel like you are interested in who they are, even if you are just looking for a little fun. This also gives you a chance to get to know him and decide if he is creepy or not. Nobody wants to sleep with someone who is a conversation hog, it’s totally unattractive. Just because you are trying to have a one-night stand, doesn’t mean that you can’t enjoy the other person’s company and find out what makes them interesting.
Don’t drink too much. This should be fairly obvious. If you are drunk, you are not going to use your best judgment and sloppy drunk people aren’t very cute anyways. More importantly, if you are too drunk, the sex will be awful and that defeats the whole purpose.
Close the deal. Don’t wait until 2 am to get to it. After a drink or two see if he wants to go back to your place. If not, politely thank him for his company and move on. Don’t hassle the guy if he says no, he may have an important meeting in the morning or maybe he is wearing ripped underwear. Either way, be respectful.
If you are successful, be a good hostess. Clean your apartment before you go out. Offer some water if needed. Be flexible about when you want him to leave. While breakfast is optional, don’t kick the poor bastard out the door at 6 am the next morning unless you have to be somewhere. Even boys don’t like to be treated like they are cheap. Exchange phone numbers if you are into it and would like to see him again. Make sure he can find a taxi or the nearest transit stop. Say thank you.
That’s pretty much it. Clearly, it is not rocket science, it just takes a little confidence and lady balls. Now get out there, girl.