You Know You Are a Parent When…

Hi everyone. I’m still alive. I just had to have some unexpected surgery that kept me out of commission. Thanks for all the nice notes of encouragement 🙂

I just know y’all are going to add some great stuff to this list. I can’t wait to read the responses.

  • You haven’t left the house for more than 3 days and you begin to believe that you will become agoraphobic and turn into the mother from “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?”
  • You negotiate a treaty concerning which child gets which juice box. The juice boxes are identical.
  • Your big plans for Friday night are to order a pizza and you are pretty darned psyched about it.
  • You go to bed at 8:00 on Saturday night.
  • You have only 2 shirts that are free of crayon, puke, paint, or stickers.
  • You can’t remember the last time you wore high heels.
  • You celebrate a potty-related event.
  • Someone has puked on your head.
  • You get your kids all dressed up for an event. They look both perfect and adorable. You, however, look like you’ve been through the wringer. Your clothes are wrinkly, your hair is flat and clearly, you have no makeup on.
  • The only social event you can pull off is brunch.
  • You’ve gone to McDonalds more in the last month than you did in a decade when you were single.
  • You realize the celebrities who claim they lost all the baby weight in two months by eating healthy are blatant liars.
  • You’ve accepted the four true food groups: macaroni and cheese, chicken nuggets, french fries, and cookies (every once in a while, the planets align correctly and the children will eat fruit).
  • You yell a really inappropriate word in front of your child because you just stepped on a Lego in your bare feet.
  • You’ve left a server an obscenely large tip because you were so embarrassed by your child’s behavior.
  • Going to the grocery store becomes a 2-hour event that involves bribes, chasing, threats, tears, and a completely overflowing cart.
  • You own every product that Spanx makes.
  • Your caffeine consumption increases by 350%.
  • You spend time thinking up creative bribes.
  • You realize that single parents are heroes and deserve a medal of honor.
  • You can’t sleep in the nude anymore.
  • Holidays are unbelievably fun. (I had to throw in a good one).

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *