You know how sometimes when you are in your car and late for an appointment and some lazy, gallingly self-entitled, recently pubescent, fauxhemian saunters across the street in front of you, all sloth-like in his gait? Well, rather than throw away my home and good credit score by crushing his pork-pie sportin’ cranium into the back end of an idling UPS truck, I take this precious minute or two and sort things out in my vodka-addled brain.Here are ten such items.
- Who was the first person to think eating an oyster was a good idea?
- If I had to hunt, trap, or kill my own food to survive I would starve.
- I am far more clever and funny than 58% of the people making a healthy living on network sitcoms.
- Why hasn’t a chartered aircraft crashed to earth, while carrying an American professional sports team? (College’s Marshall football, notwithstanding)
- Thankfully and mercifully, “git er done” seems to have run its course.
- In the still of the morning, when Dolly Parton wakes – does she truly think that without her ginormous breasts, her “career” would have been as profitable?
- The makers of age-defying creams should have to have their eyebrows plucked with a rusty hand saw.
- I think that if I had to knowingly be something other my human self – I should like to be a pampered house cat with a screened in porch, to enjoy spring and summer days; or a duck, placidly swimming and flying and inhabiting a quiet lake in NH. I would miss cold beer and juicy hamburgers though.
- Does the mail carrier read and enjoy other people’s dirty magazines prior to delivery? And does he or she sit in judgment at the red-bordered “final notice” utility bills as they’re delivered?
- How does Pizza Hut stay in business? Are consumers in general that poor at discerning a decent, quality pizza?
(photo: Boston.com)
