Daily Archives: February 10, 2011

30 posts

Valentine’s Gay 2011: Meat And Cheese

65 comments

My favorite version of the Valentine’s Day story is the one where poor jailed Val picked heart-shaped violet leaves and poked holes in them to send love notes to the jailer’s blind daughter, who was then able to see.

Well, as most of you know, I’m gay married to a cop and we’ve been together almost 8 years.  And after 8 years, I’ve washed enough underwear, listened to enough dirty jokes and moved enough coffee cups to the (goddam) dishwasher from the (f’n) sink to fill a warehouse.  Like most enduring relationships, it becomes stronger when you see your beloved for who he really is.  It’s hard to picture a knight in shining armor using a nose hair trimmer, but they all do.  Imagine if they didn’t! So I’m stuck with Cap’n, nose hair removal and all, and he’s a wonderful man who would do anything for me… except pick up after his own damn self.  He tries, but the gerbil on the wheel in his head gets distracted by shiny things on the way to the laundry hamper.  We fight about the socks on the floor, then he wraps two big arms around me and I realize that nothing bad can happen to me, ever again, and what was I thinking about and why is my shirt now on the floor with the socks?

Things like this ratchet up the difficulty of selecting a Valentine’s Day gift.  Cliches won’t work.

Cap’n Crocker is a man of particular tastes and not all of them are refined, which should make it easy, right?  No.  He loves tulips, so last year I got him 100 of them.  His allergic reaction was truly amazing.  His poor nose was like Victoria Falls.  Lovely!  They graced the desk in our condo’s lobby for 10 days.

The prior year I threw a Valentine’s Day cocktail party for just us.  I forgot that what I was using as a mixer for the Aphrodisia-tinis already had vodka in it.  We woke up at 3 AM, cotton-mouthed and fully clothed in the living room.  There was one candle still lit, and Edmund Pevensie (one of our cats) had indulged in the gravlax left on my plate and puked in my shoe.  Lucy Pevensie (Edmund’s sister) was looking at us with feline pity.  Romance – and cat barf – was in the air.

What to do?  Well, after wracking my brain, I came up with an idea.  Cap’n is a social butterfly at his precinct, and while he does go on patrol from time to time, he’s mostly in an open office with about a dozen other cops.   They just completed a huge project today, and cops love to eat together, so I sent a Valentine’s treat basket of cheeses, salami, fruit and crackers to Cap’n at the precinct to be delivered tomorrow.  The card?

Dear Mike, I hope you think this isn’t cheesy.  You can share with your friends or hide the salami.  They say you are what you eat, but don’t turn into a cracker.  You are a big fruit.  Love, Me.

He will be teased and pretend to be irked when his Commanding Officer grabs the card and reads it out loud in a Brooklyn accent, which could make a fortune cookie hilarious.  But he will be all happy that I thought of his friends.  And we’ll still go out for dinner on Sunday and make lurve.

But 8 years in, you have to get creative.

Dear Barbie Q: How to deal with trolls

42 comments

Dear Barbie Q:
I just saw a comment on Gawker CT, wherein I got name-checked by someone I’ve largely considered to be an obnoxious troll. (She was addressing the CT community at large.) I have to admit that what she said made sense to me. There is a fine line between enjoyment and addiction, and maybe CT was more of the latter for many of us.

After you read the following quote from Total Package (!!), I would appreciate it if you would share your own thoughts/insights regarding the fine line between enjoyment and addiction. (Does not need to be specifically related to the internet; any life experiences you’d like to share are most welcome.
“You people are all acting like a bunch of low rent, trailer trash tranny hookers who just got their dimebag of black tar heroin taken away from them by their pimp for not turning enough tricks. LISTEN TO YOURSELVES!!! You can’t tell your anus from your mouth cause you are spouting shit out of both of them all day long!!! You are totally addicted to this site!!! (And I dont mean just you Salome Valentine…we all know how many times you’ve tried to pull yourself away.) Why not use this screwup as a final attempt to break free from your addiction. Otherwise if you are willing to stick with Gawker even after this mess you are slaves for life.”
What do you think?
-Salome Valentine

Dear Salome Valentine:
Here’s the problem: You are calling this person a troll, but she is actually a divine sage inspired by the Egyptian Goddess of Truth and Justice, Ma’at. The Goddess is guided by 42 divine principles (http://www.kenseamedia.com/egyptian_gods/maat.htm), including
• I have not spoken scornfully against others
• I have not used fiery words nor stirred up any strife
• I have not been unduly proud nor acted with arrogance.
• I have not been angry without good reason.
If you carefully read the message, you can see the signs of divine inspiration. They include multiple punctuation marks within a single sentence, capitalization for the purpose of divine guidance, vehemence in inverse proportion to provocation, and ire concerning matters that are utterly extraneous to the message’s composer’s interests.
The appropriate way to handle this is to contact the sage and ask for divine guidance. Clearly, the sage is spending her time on worthy and just causes. Where would we be if she was not targeting commenters and attacking them so that they will be worried into to happiness and harmony?
Don’t be embarrassed, you’ve made a common error. If you feel the need to apologize to the goddess, an animal sacrifice may be in order. I suggest a jackal. Or possibly, a hamster.

The Competing Open Thread Sites

38 comments

With the demise of the open threads over at Gawker, some of the more industrious geeks have decided to create their own boards.  In the few days following Gawker’s Meg Ryan-like reconstruction, Twitter was ablaze with people pimping their own sites, and recruiting the better commenters to join them.  It was like a commenter free agency.  When the dust settled, most people frequented two sites, yippayap ( http://yippayap.com/ ), and ATGAR ( http://atgar.dailyentity.com/ ).  Both now have a de facto #whitenoise in them, with yippayap even going so far as to call its corresponding page whitenoise, and yippayap also has the relocated #groupthink.  I haven’t ventured into groupthink, because it’s not really my demographic (straight male who blogs while he poops), but the whitenoise pages are pretty interesting.  They’re like some sort of anthropologic study in how something like 4chan came to be.  There’s no censorship, no threat of banning or destarring, and as a result, they have become a center for ridiculous memes, and fake commenting accounts.  Also, those who I Could.  Not.  Fucking.  Stand.  are there.  I ain’t going to either of those sites, which is a shame because #whitenoise was where I began my open thread career.  Now that’s gone.  Looks like I’m with you guys until BMC decides to revamp this site.

P.S. I have no idea how to use wordpress, so I’m just guessing on the shit below where I type this stuff.  If I fuck it all up, my apologies.

My name, my name!!

38 comments

I’ve seen a great deal of sadness these last few days as people have joined the site. Some assholes took our screen names in Intense Debate before we had to create accounts!

Pitifully confined to one identity for all eternity, unable to mockingly change our names to add “peasant,” “ghetto,” or “entitled” as our designations change, we are bound to suffer a fit of depression.

But wait! There’s hope!

If you want to change your display name (which is not necessarily your username, though it can be), you just take a couple simple steps.

Log into Intense Debate, click on “profile” under “edit profile,” and change your display name. Add a description that will pop up if you hover over your icon in the comments if you’re feeling extra inspired.

See the graphic below – it’s so easy. In other servicey news, it seems that the upload image problem dealing with gravatar is tied to Firefox. It worked for me when I switched browsers.

graphic of editing display

Where Are We Going, And What’s With The Handbasket?

176 comments

We’re here because we’re smart and funny and lovable. All of us. We like talking about issues of the day, books and movies, and bitching about our spouses or lack thereof. We give each other advice and support. We post pictures of hot guys and gals, posh rooms and clothes, incredible shoes and cars. There’s a recipe exchange. Can’t find a backsplash tile? Post a picture of it and someone will track down the manufacturer. What should you wear to a summer wedding? Post your budget and preferred hemline and I bet you’ll have it narrowed down to three by lunch. How to deal with a bitchy coworker? Everything from going to HR to toxic tahini will be suggested. Did your kitty die? The Rainbow Bridge ends right here. (PS – when you’re ready, rescue another kitty from a shelter, k?)

If Crasstalk was a party, it would be A-list. Not because we exclude others, but because we include them. Yes, most of us are liberals from a social standpoint, at least. But a rational conservative wouldn’t be given the side-eye. Just no bigotry, plz.

Being told that we are worthless to
Gawker, despite the fact that we have enriched everyone that works there both monetarily and intellectually, had to hurt a little. I know I was offended. But there’s some satisfaction:

We know that Gawker will now be a place more akin to a zoo because we aren’t there. Congratulations, Nick! You said we made this place a ghetto and were peasants. Now you have feces-flinging angermonkeys instead. Hold onto your banana, and good luck posting another Peyser hit piece.

I will never ever again have to deconstruct a moronic post made by a whingy-whiny above-the-law social misfit who got a well-deserved speeding ticket and therefore thinks all cops are bad. Also, my efforts to educate people about how to behave during a road stop to reduce the likelihood of getting a summons will now only be given to people who deserve it. Though you all probably know this already.

We won’t be limited by comment boxes.

Creativity will be encouraged.

We can actually do something about trolls rather than trying to shame them.

No more Cheetos and Black Swans and Spartacus ads slowing pages as they load.

And best of all, we won’t be lining the pockets of people who treat us with contempt.

Welcome.

The Night Watchman Open Thread: I

63 comments

Hello Vampires. Welcome to the late night open thread.

I am going to post a few good scary stories for you to think about before you surrender to the monsters under the bed.

First off, an educational film that explains why the Denver Airport is the center of evil:

Next we look at the threat posed by the elite New World Order:

I would be remiss if we did not have some information on the Reptilian threat:

Finally, I will leave you with the scariest Art Bell call ever.

Sleep well Crasstalkers.

Roommate Wanted

36 comments

Hey there! I’m a fun-loving girl (but not too fun!) living in the Boston metro area. I hardly drink at all, except for the rare Monday-Sunday when I’m stressed. I’m bit messy, but I definitely keep the common areas reasonably clean, and would like you to do the same. Unlike my last roommates! I’ve had some bad experiences, so I’m going to try and be very specific about what I want!

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Some of my dislikes include:

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Shooting animals and tanning them in the living room.

Last time this happened, we couldn’t get the smell out of the carpet for days. And I think there’s still bits of fat ground into the hardwood!

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Letting your dog chew my things, and when I scold it, telling me “We’re only using positive reinforcement.

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Inviting your crust punk friends to sleep on the couch, and then never asking them to leave.

Last time this happened, we couldn’t get the smell out of the carpet for days. And I think there’s still bits of fat ground into the hardwood!

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Coming home drunk in the middle of the night and knocking on my door to tell me about your coworker who you’re worried you’ve started to think of as a mother figure, which is probably clouding your professional judgment, and also you’re so drunk haha, and hey did I hear you using your vibrator? Also you’re soooo sorry you let the 50 year old man you’ve been sleeping with walk into the kitchen naked, and oh, did you not tell me that before? Anyway, oh wow, I think I’m going to be sick. Bllerggggg

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Forcing me to call the police on you, for any reason.

Just go ahead and use your imagination here.

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Likes include David Bowie, 30 Rock, and roommates who have never possessed the phone number of a crack dealer. If you think we’ll get along, send me an email!

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Science is sexy is a student in the Boston area. While all of these are true stories, photographs have been altered to protect the guilty. The very, very guilty. Add your roommate horror stories in the replies!

Testing one two one two