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Reboots
4 posts
I propose that they just make a movie called Reboot, which discusses the process of rebooting a movie. You know, how they decide which marginally successful 1980’s movie hasn’t been touched by the hand of Michael Bay or Brett Ratner (who’s producing this year’s Oscars by the way. We have been forsaken.) and then how they sell its earning potential to a studio. Can’t you just imagine the Weekend at Bernie’s pitch meeting, or the discussion of Killer Klowns from Outer Space over sushi? I’m not really sure how these things happen. Maybe it’s more like spinning a Price Is Right Wheel, but somehow these ideas make it to the big screen mostly to our utter confusion and despair.
Let’s take a look at what Hollywood has on tap for the coming future.
I love the Rotten Tomatoes site. For me, it’s the best little place to find movie critiques all wrapped up in either a big green splotch, or, and this is truly rare, a large healthy tomato, which indicates “Certified Fresh,” as reported by top reviewers in the business. Simple, but hugely effective.
When tooling around the site in preparation for the newest movies to check out, I’ve noticed more and more green monster splotches. Just hordes and hordes of ’em. A veritable army of bad, crappy, shit-laden shit-cinema. Holy Christmas Crackerjacks! Are there any good movies ever? Yes, yes, I know all the February Oscar stuffers are still playing, so if I haven’t caught The Black Swan (have, it sucked, mostly), True Grit (awesome!), The Kings Speech (Helena Bonham Carter gives me the face palsy), and The Fighter (will see it eventually, despite my disdain for Christian Bale and his gargled goat-bleats when he’s The Dark Knight), then, yes, I really should go see them all and forget anything else in the theater exists. But, well, it isn’t that easy. I love movies.
And, really, how can Hollywood so often get it wrong? Us viewers…we’re not a complicated lot. Just give us good original stories with compelling characters, add a few well-thought out surprises and mostly we’re chomping on that popcorn faster than a ferret through a sock tube. But instead we get the equivalent of dancing dollar bills dressed up like Martin Lawrence in a fat suit.
Where does all this start?
In a new weekly column, I plan to let you in on all the Hollywood stinky little secrets they’re planning for your viewing pleasure. So, if you ever wanted to know who’s greenlighting all this resplendent garbage, well, now you’ll know. Perhaps you’ll learn what to avoid completely, what to watch and mock mercilessly, or what to mock and avoid at your discretion.
Here are some things currently in development:
1) Red Sonja – Hey, Rose McGowan really needs the work! Well, since Robert Rodriguez, McGowan’s director boyfriend, lost this project to Simon West, they’re going a different way. Amber Heard (I have no idea who she is) has been tapped for the lead role. Let’s be honest. While it’s a cult classic and always good for a few laughs, Red Sonja was never a great movie. Brigitte Nielsen was like a mannequin with biceps.
That said, I don’t have much hope that this will be a better version, especially given the casting of Amber Heard, nobody person. It’s like making an already B-movie even B-ierer, if there is such a thing. The saving grace (Not really!) is that they plan to release this thing in between the upcoming Conan movies. (another pitiless reboot.) Strangely I don’t think that will help. We’ll just wonder why it was made at all.
2) Fletch – Once thought to be a Kevin Smith vehicle, but since the Clerks director has decided to retire (and go on the college tour circuit permanently?), there’s been no word on who would reprise the title role, write the damn thing, or helm it as director, for that matter. Nonetheless, Warner Bros. plans to move ahead with reincarnating the 1980’s movie about a smarmy reporter/man of disguise. Who are you thinking for the lead role? My vote is for Joel McHale or Paul Rudd, but since this is an awful idea, prepare for Shia LaBeouf or John Krasinski.
3) Highlander – Um, okay. Christopher Lambert and Sean Connery made this famous, I suppose. Well, I think the SPIKE channel likes to air it, so I guess that means something. There were numerous sequels, and if I’m not mistaken some sort of early 1990’s syndicated show, so it’s not as if the franchise is already suffering from overexposure or anything like that. Of course not. Apparently there is still a need to see immortal warrior dudes fighting it out in kilts and things. I assume they didn’t get the message that the only immortals us viewers like nowadays are vampires.
Neal Moritz, the producer of XXX and the Fast and Furious Franchises is involved, so that’s, uh, something. Basically what I take away from this is that the famous tagline “there can be only one,” isn’t exactly true, now is it?
4) Lethal Weapon – I think we’re all too old for this shit. Warner Bros. strikes again. Nevermind the fact that this movie is so closely related to Rage-a-maniac, Shout Monster Mel Gibson, they’re going full steam ahead with rebooting…well, actually they planned on a Lethal Weapon 5, starring Mel and Danny, but here’s what I think…the rest of the suits in that meeting just fell over dead when they heard that pitch. Just heart stopped, fucking toes up in the air dead. So, they’ve decided to find newer and younger guys to do this crazed man and sidekick retread. This is an awful, dreadful, idea…but hear me out, don’t you just see the guys from Psych doing this? James Roday and Dulé Hill would be awesome, no? No. Okay.
5) Dynasty – Break out the shoulder pads and the rat tail comb because ladies and gents Blake Carrington would like to take you on a bed of rubies. Not totally. The original creators, Richard and Esther Shapiro, are planning a prequel set in the 1960’s. So think Mad Men with more haughty stares and people calling each other “Bitch” with drinks in their hands. Thankfully there isn’t a studio ready to take this one on. But they have hope, boy, do they have hope. You can all thank the A-Team for this. Once you show that making one 1980’s laughable, egomaniacal farce in the wake of several others that have similarly crashed and burned to the ground…the point isn’t to learn from that mistake. No, the plan is to continue. Continue on like nothing happened, and let the critics pick at the dead carcass later, because you’ve made your money. Now you can go buy a boat.
That’s it for now. Your hurl sacks are situated in the tray holder directly in front of you.
Adrianne Palicki of Friday Night Lights fame has been cast as Wonder Woman after a long search for an even longer project that has finally found a home with NBC and David E. Kelley as producer.
It would seem that most every raven-haired actress from Angelina Jolie to Beyonce’ Knowles were either considered or expressed interest in reprising the role. Most recently rumors swirled when Mad Men star, Christina Hendricks remarked how excited she would be to take on the part. A far cry from the sentiments of Megan Fox, best known for mounting motorcycles in the Transformers movies, when she scorned the possibility of tackling the role and stated that she found Wonder Woman to be “lame,” sparking fury and contempt among the purists, and even garnering some disdain from Lynda Carter the iconic actress who played the role in the 1970’s version of the show.
Purists now believe that Palicki is a good fit, and Carter has given her blessing for her newly named successor to slap on the wristlets and tighten up her lasso. At 5”11, she certainly has the height and stature to play the Amazonian princess. And due to her appeal on Friday Night Lights as Tyra Collette, many find that she has the gravitas to handle the role, much unlike her costar Minka Kelly who may have enjoyed rumors that she too should be considered as the femme crime fighter. It’s certainly possible that if she were in the running, the most recent showing of her latest cinematic efforts in the movie The Roommate found those rumors effectively squashed. The Roommate earned a shameful 6% on the Tomatometer according to the Rotten Tomatoes review website. Not the highest endorsement.
Given the appeal of Palicki the only concerns that remain surrounds the plot and writing. Joss Whedon of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Firefly fame was tapped to write a theatrical adaptation, but that version has been shelved indefinitely. Stepping in his place for the small screen version is acclaimed writer-producer David E. Kelley of Ally McBeal fame who already has a completed pilot. The early response to Kelley’s inaugural effort has not been good. Jace Lacob of the Daily Beast has called it “laughably bizarre.” and says, “Wonder Woman is presented as a weepy career woman-slash-superheroine with three identities.” Wowsa! What just what? He goes on to say that she’s “cloying” and “tragically un-hip.” Definitely not what you want to hear going into a new television series. And NBC, currently in fourth place according to recent ratings, can’t afford another failure.
Which makes one wonder given the current trajectory of The Cape and other failed series on the once prolific network, is NBC the best place for an iconic series of this ilk? Will the network responsible for reboots of The Bionic Woman and Knight Rider, both succumbing to quick cancellation, be able to pull this one off?
My instincts tell me to be quite wary.
Other than some talk of the upcoming plot and pilot there’s been no word as of late as to the costumery of the new Wonder Woman, which I assume could start much debate, especially since in the comic version she recently appeared in pants to the chagrin of many fans. I happen to like the symbolic bustier and short shorts, even if outdated, it’s still nostalgic. Should it be verboten since we’re apparently a much more sensitive viewing public?
For me, I like the whole package. A woman who could kick ass, command an invisible plane, and still look sexy as all get out while doing it. Who’s to say that’s not still feminist?
What do you think? How does the new Wonder Woman pilot sound? (Palicki aside….sounds like crap to me!) And should Wonder Woman get a 2011 makeover?