Jesus answered: Watch out that no one deceives you. For many will come in my name, claiming, I am the Messiah, and will deceive many. You will hear of wars and rumors of wars, but see to it that you are not alarmed. Such things must happen, but the end is still to come. Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be famines and earthquakes in various places. All these are the beginning of birth pains. Matthew 24:4-8
end times
4 posts
Hello peasants! I thought you might be interested to know that ever since the earthquake hit Japan, the very rich have been getting very serious about looking into their options for survival should all this earth shaking signal the beginning of the end. 12/12/2012 is just around the corner, and a lot people seem to be betting that those crazy Mayans could be right.
Bunker-builders, of which there are far more than I imagined, have reported huge increases in sales of high-end shelters in the past few weeks. We’re not talking drab 50s fallout shelters with dull concrete walls and cans of tuna fish. We’re talking style. So that when the dust settles, those with enough money will emerge with gold ingots in hand, well-rested, well-fed and ready to repopulate the world.
If you’ve got the big bucks, a company by the name of Vivos has already started selling spaces for a group-style bunker in Nebraska that will provide relatively opulent autonomous living for 900 people for a full year. Below is a rendering of one of the common spaces, and you can check out their extremely creepy video here: Vivos 1012 Underground Shelter
If the apocalypse lasts longer than a year, of course everyone in there will be screwed, but for those first 365 days, “members” are assured access to such luxuries as a wine cellar, pet kennels, dental and medical facilities, private living spaces, even a bakery! The place is bigger than a Wal-Mart, but is free of those annoying seniors greeting you at the door.
And the Nebraska site is just one of a network planned around the United States.
The cost to secure your little piece of heaven buried deep under the earth will run up to $50,000 per person, depending on the location. All things considered, it’s not much if you really want to see what 2013 will look like.
But if you’re not into hunkering down with 899 strangers, a company called Hardened Structures offers underground condos that house up to 200 in a series of their “Genesis Pods,” also scattered around the states. If that’s not cozy enough, you can get something all your own: they recently completed a private 100-bed bunker in the Adirondacks for a mere $90 million.
What? Don’t have an extra $90 million lying around? Feeling left out? Not to worry, as even you can be saved. Those industrious folks at Popular Mechanics have researched an affordable low-cost alternative in an article titled “6 Safe, Strong – and Chic (!) – Bomb Shelters You Can Buy Now.” I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling totally reassured.
Here’s KI4U’s adorable “Mini Blast Shelter,” priced at a ridiculously low $3,200 (delivery and installation extra). I know most of you are already salivating, but if you’re hesitating for any reason, just picture your neighbors turning green with envy when they see this beauty being offloaded onto your front yard.
Although it’s nothing more than a modified section of road culvert, it arrives as the pic says, “ready to bury!” According to company owner Shane Connor, “it’s cramped and it’s uncomfortable. But when something nuclear happens, and it’s inevitable, it’s better than the alternative.” I’m not so sure about that. If you’ve ever shared a small, enclosed space with my partner, the gaseous Mr. Karma, you might think otherwise. However, beggars can’t be choosers.
If you live in an apartment you’re shit out of luck, but lots of people with backyards in places like East Bumfuck seem to think something like this is a great idea.
Looks like fun, no? Don’t forget, Popular Mechanics says it’s chic, and they should know. Besides, peasants, it’s only $3200 and let’s face it: the only “wine cellar” you’re going to need is a place to put those bottles of white zinfandel you’ve got chilling in the fridge.
Note from BadKarma: If I can muster the energy, this will be one in a series of articles discussing ways I’ll be spending the PowerBall Megamillions I plan on winning in the not too distant future, apocalypse notwithstanding.
America is doomed. The signs are everywhere. The economy is collapsing, America is declining in international influence, and the president is, um, ethnic. These are desperate times for Decent Americans© and desperate times call for desperate measures. Fortunately for you, I have scoured the internet to find out the tips that will help you survive the Hobbesian hellscape that will soon be America. Please print this article and post in it your bunker, rumpus room, or wherever it is you plan on riding out socialist/nazi/progressive Armageddon.
We don’t know exactly how America will go down, but let’s look at some of the more likely
scenarios.
- Chinese Take Over. Obama will sell out America to the Reds and we will all be forced to read The Little Red Book. Note: this will be more than most of us have read in a decade. We will be all forced into slave labor and uncomfortable uniforms. I’m not sure what is supposed to happen after this, but it involves foreigners, so it can’t be good.
- New World Order. Obama will sell out America to rich, shadowy elites. The economy will be gutted and true patriots will be forced into concentration camps. We all get forced vaccinations and tracking chips. However, it looks like they will keep reality TV and beer flowing to hypnotize the masses, so it might not be that bad. Bonus, the government might finally get rid of your irritating cousins in Missouri.
- Economic Peak Oil Anarchistic Collapse Thingy. Obama will sell out America to foreign economic interests. This is the fun one. Part Mad Max, part Wall Street Journal; this is the one that separates the men from the boys. Expect highwaymen, biker gangs, and (god willing) cannibals. This is a very ammo intensive scenario, and you will be able to barter your daughter’s virtue for 10 gallons of gas.
- The Tribulation. Jesus is back and he’s totally pissed at Obama and all you commies who voted for him. Rivers of blood with patches of locusts are likely, unless you are raptured up at the beginning (you won’t be, whore). Guns aren’t particularly useful, but you might want to brush up on you Leviticus, because it’s probably going to be more of an Old Testament kind of deal.
What does one bring to the End Times? While it depends a little on the specific dystopian conditions you are facing, but there are always some key supplies useful for any fighter in the Army of the Righteous.
- Guns, guns, and more guns. Buy ammo now because Hillary Clinton is conspiring to take you guns away. You can never have enough guns, and keep them unlocked and loaded so you can get to them right away when the thugs from the teacher’s union come to take you to patriot detention.
- At least two years worth of overpriced, crappy dehydrated food. Put this in your basement in an area where it will inevitably get moldy and attract ants. This will piss of your spouse but they will thank you when martial law comes, if you are still married at that point. You can also grow a survival garden, but you will have to protect it from the hordes of marauding drug addicts that have fled the major cities.
- That Glenn Beck book about the revolution. I guess the sex scenes are pretty lame, but a good way to pass the time until Rand Paul and Michelle Bachman can establish a new territorial government in Cheyenne, Wyoming.
- Gold, gold, and more gold. Sure, gold is just another arbitrary symbol of value and has no intrinsic worth, but the lady on the shortwave told me I need some. However, you do get some kind of Twilight Zone hubris points if you starve to death in you basement surrounded by 50 pounds of the stuff.
Now you know what’s coming and you have your supplies. Let me give you a few tips
- Stay away from FEMA! Even though they have the food, medicine, and shelter, somehow they are the bad guys in this and they will make you into Harry Dean Stanton in Red Dawn.
- Your neighbors are the enemy, and must be dealt with accordingly. A crisis is no time for community cooperation (fucking progressives). This is every patriot for themselves even if it would be more beneficial for everyone to work together. Someone has to be the asshole on the block that suggests executing the Jenkins kid, be that asshole.
- Shoot first; let the grand jury sort it out later. Look, maybe you got a little carried away, but the power had been out for 4 hours and there was no air conditioning. A jury of your peers will totally understand that you had to shoot Bob and take his cooler to survive.
- Plan for the worst so you don’t have to put in the effort to make the best. We could probably avoid a social meltdown if we would all work together in a spirit of compromise and shared values, but who has time for that? Genuine efforts to make America a better place are so boring and non-violent. It’s a lot more entertaining complain about being the victim and troll your neighbors at a city zoning hearing by wearing a side arm.
So now you’re ready. If anyone tries to force you to gay marry or serve on a death panel you can resist just like Patrick Henry, if Patrick Henry had been a crazy, self-centered bastard. Be strong America. President Palin is only a couple of years away. Courage.
2 million fish were found dead in The Chesapeake Bay. 100,000 fish went belly up in Northwest Arkansas. Thousands of birds died in Arkansas, Louisiana and Sweden. They just fell out of the sky.
WTF?
Naturally, I turned to The Rapture Index (www.raptureready.com) for answers. Is it Armageddon? Is it Rapture Time? If you’ve missed my blog posts on the issue, The Rapture Index is self-defined as “the prophetic speedometer of end-time activity”. The Index measures a variety of categories including false christs, liberalism, plagues, droughts, and the occult. The record Index high was 182 on Sept 24, 2001. The record low of 57 was recorded on December 12, 1993.
There is no specific Index measure for dying birds or fish, but if I remember correctly from the movie The Seventh Sign, dying fish and birds falling from the sky are definitely a bad sign. I went right to The Rapture Index for answers and what do you think I found? Nothing! The Index has not been updated since January 3rd and it’s sitting steady at 173. That’s pretty high but there is no mention whatsoever of the bird/fish death plague and how it might affect the rapture. Should I pack for the rapture? Should I find heathens to watch my pets after the rapture? Should I bother to send in a check for this month’s mortgage? Dammit, I need answers. If I can’t turn to The Rapture Index, where can I turn?
Crossposted from bbqcornnuts.typepad.com