You want me to bring bail? Again? And what else? Booze. Performing poodles. Celebrities. And particularly Paris Hilton. Ah. I see.
I. See.
Look, darling, I’ve been meaning to say this for some time. I’m cutting you loose, sweetheart. Paying your bail is just throwing good money after bad, and as for performing poodles, well, I saw your last armpiece. Why don’t you give her a call? It shouldn’t cost you more than $25 for a full hour, or her flier is lying.
Oh, and Jerry called. He wants you to replace his Lagavulin. Give him a call tomorrow: we’re going out for some drinks tonight. Here’s some celebrity gossip reading material to keep you busy. Ta, darling!
The Masked Bandit of Chinatown a tragidramedary in three parts. Is one sexy masked Cary Elwes lookalike too much to ask, O Cruel Universe? IS IT, MOTHERFUCKER??? (raincoaster)
Social media trainer overcome by uncontrollable urge to self-promote in celebrity gossip roundup LAST CHANCE TO REGISTER FOR TOMORROW’S SOCIAL MEDIA WORKSHOP MOTHERFUCKERS! (raincoastermedia)
Mystery Sockster REVEALED! Did you guess the holey celebrity correctly? and no, I am not going to use the word motherfucker this time. Oh, damn. (Ayyyy)
DUCK AND UNCOVER: the Holy Hand Grenade Cocktail! Complete with 1200 words, several pictures, some cheap jokes, a YouTube of Bert from Sesame Street doing a Travis Bickle impersonation, and one recipe. (Manolofood)
DON’T TEXT WITH TEXAS or something like that. Remember when Lawrence Fishburne stopped King Lear dead and bawled out someone in the audience whose phone was going off? Yeah, this is like that. In Texas. (Crasstalk)
The HOFFSICKLE, BITCHES! I’d have to wash my own mouth out with soap if I put this in there. In related news, can you get chlamydia in your mouth? No reason I ask. (AgentBedhead)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAVE NAVARRO. He’s going to celebrate by marrying two lesbian strippers and starting a trend to smoke heroin from a corncob pipe while riding a tricycle. (BusyBeeBlogger)
Bimbo got back! Royal In-Law got second place. And EVERYBODY’s got too much eyeliner lately. Get offa my lawn. (CelebDirtyLaundry)
Brigitte Neilson still ticking at minute 17 of her celebrity. Congratulations on your new I BOINKED THE SPERMINATOR newsworthyness after all this time. (CelebritySmack)
Coming soon: Jason Mraz engaged to James Franco. And ALSO probably confessing affair with Ahnold. (CelebVIPLounge)
Honest to blog, I thought this said Nicholas Cage’s son was hospitalized for Mental Evacuation. WAY funnier that way. (DailyStab)
Morning television just got a little nippier, thanks to Khloe Kardashian. Like, MANHOLE COVER levels of nippier. (EarSucker)
David Beckham WANTS Justin Bieber. I…I…uh… (FitFabCeleb)
Celebrities wearing the “Cheese-Eating Surrender Monkey Chapeau.” MAIS OUI! Vieux Chapeaux sont le Dernier Cri et le Nouvelle Vague et c’est tout de mon Francais que je can remembre? BON! (GirlsTalkinSmack)
Weiner eats crow, Fallon-style. This is NOT a gay porno, I promise! (HaveUHeard)
The hottest metal band you would never believe ROCK OUT! No, seriously, that’s actually them! (HelloGiggles)
My mother always used to say when you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas. In other news, SOMEBODY BOINKED A KARDASHIAN again. (HollywoodHiccups)
This headline makes it totally sound like zombie porn. Would YOU see zombie porn? I so totally would watch the hell out of a dirty version of Carnival of Souls. In unrelated news, where’d I put that DVD? (INeedMyFix)
Who cares if there’s no story here, it’s a picture of GERARD BUTLER SURFING, PEOPLE! (MathewGuiver)
The decorative and doubtless charming and erudite Matt Bomer gives me a LADY BOMER if you know what I mean and hey, I think you do. Yes, this is what I do for a living. Mother would be so proud. (SwoonWorthy)
A Champagne company sponsored an event where there were hot polo players and Hugh Jackman and DIDN’T INVITE ME??? That’s it, my publicist is fired! (TheSkinnyChic)
Selah.
