Sports

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Stop Crying, There Will Be an NFL Season (maybe)

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Since labor troubles in 1987 cancelled one game and saw replacement players in NFL uniforms, labor issues have been minor compared to the other major American sports leagues. The NBA, NHL, and Major League Baseball have all seen seasons cut short (or cancelled altogether) as a result of labor strife. Now the NFL is facing a real possibility of losing games in 2011.

Cigars and brandy, NFL Owners' second biggest expense after player salaries

The main issue in labor talks is how to split up the reported $9 billion in revenue the league and its teams take in each year. Under the current Collective Bargaining Agreement (CBA), the first $1 billion off the top belongs to the team owners. Of the remaining revenue, 60% goes toward player salaries while the balance goes to the owners and team expenses. The owners claim that rising costs are directing most of the profits toward the players, and that they should receive a bigger portion of the $9 billion. Some of their proposals involve increasing their primary allocation from $1 billion to $2 billion and reducing the 60% of the excess revenue that goes to the players. Their position is that they no longer want to pay the players as much as they are.

There is a key bargaining difference between “not wanting to pay” and being “unable to pay”, and that’s a main sticking point for the NFL Players Association. If the owners came to the bargaining table and claimed they could not afford to pay the players, the NFLPA would have a legal to right to examine owners’ financials. NFL owners, however, have claimed that general economic difficulties are resulting in an overall strain on profits. Essentially, they’re saying “We can pay you that much, we just don’t want to.” Under established labor law, the NFLPA has no rights to see team financial statements if this is the case. Players do have audit rights, but owners are only obligated to show them team revenues and not expenses.

So what happens now?

Many expect that an agreement will not be reached before the current CBA expires on March 3rd, and the owners will lock out the players shortly thereafter. This will affect the off-season in a number of ways until a deal is reached:

Some owners have even sent their kids in to negotiate with players.
  • The NFL draft will still happen in late April, but teams will not be able to sign their draft picks, trade draft picks that involve a current NFL player, or sign undrafted rookies. The teams will essentially pick their guy and then wait until a new CBA is hashed out.
  • Free agents are out of luck. Players whose contracts have expired cannot sign with another NFL team while players are locked out. They could go play for a team in another league like the CFL or UFL.
  • Players under contract will not be paid, and (most likely) could not play for another league. Teams could not bar a player from working at all, but could possibly bring legal action if a player participated in another football league. During the NHL’s cancelled 2004-05 season, many players went to Europe and played professionally there, and owners had no issues. NFL owners have already stated they might.
  • Head coaches will most likely be paid during a lockout, but their assistants most likely will not be. Coaches’ contracts are written differently from those of players and assistants, and most will continue to receive full salaries even if no football is played.

The implications become much greater if a deal still hasn’t been reached in August, when teams are ramping up for the regular season. A shortened pre-season or regular season would be the most innocuous result. Replacement players have and can be used if the owners want to stage the games.

Players are preparing for the lockout. Tom Brady replaced his dog's bed of hundred dollar bills with twenties.

The worst possible scenario is one where a deal still hasn’t been reached well into the fall which results in a cancelled season and no Super Bowl.

In any labor negotiation, both sides want to feel like they stood up for their constituents and fought as hard as they could. This is the main reason why a deal most likely won’t be done before August. Any conclusion before then will make it look like one side gave in and let the other side win. I wouldn’t expect a deal before August or September with the most likely effect being a shortened season. In the end, I think the billionaires will win out over the millionaires, owners will get their concessions, and the game will go on.

In the meantime, most fans (yours truly included) will continue to freak out about the possiblity of no NFL in 2011. I don’t even want to think about all the time I spend watching NFL network in the summer hearing about how my favorite players have been arrested or showed up to camp overweight. The thought of having to work after 2pm on Fridays and Tuesdays, key times for fantasy football owners, frightens me more than birds do. (And I REALLY hate birds.) But most devastatingly, the thought of spending Sundays at home instead of at a bar watching the Vikings sends chills down my spine. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family, but COME ON.

Let’s all just hope that this gets worked out and such fears aren’t realized. If August is on our calendars and labor issues remain, we’ll circle back and figure out what the hell to do with our lives.

The NBA is FAN-tastic

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Note:  This column is for people who like basketball or at the very least are interested in some kind of sport. If you hate intense discussion about sweaty dudes putting balls through a net then go away, I hate you, and wish all the bad things in life happen to you. Also, click on the photos for video fun.

Basketball, more specifically the NBA is my favorite sport to follow. Considering I am barely 5’10” and have a hitch in my shot that would embarrass Bill Cartwright, it always amazes me the incredible feats of athleticism basketball players are capable of producing on a routine basis. In this humble peasant’s opinion, they consistently pull off the most amazing highlights. Even the most hipster-y sports hater dreams of being able to dunk a basketball. Maybe the sport has never appealed to you; maybe you think college ball is better and more “pure.” I say to you, it’s never been a better time to follow the NBA. Thanks to a couple of stacked draft classes in the past few years and the seemingly never-ending careers of other stars the league has never been full of so much talent. Seeing as how the league’s All-Star weekend is coming up in a few days, I thought it’d be a good idea to break down some of the more interesting storylines of this season.

I am Blake Griffin, Destroyer of Worlds: Drafted by the Clippers in 2009, he promptly shattered his left kneecap and had to sit out a full season, an appropriate start for the heralded savior of one of the unluckiest sports franchises out there. However, this season Blake has shown why he was worthy of that #1 pick and done something no one thought possible, he’s made the LA Clippers worth watching. I could write a post solely about Griffin, but it’s safe to say you have to see him to believe it. He plays with an absolute disregard for his own personal safety and treats the rim as if it killed his whole family. The rim-rocking dunks, the never-ending alley-oops, he’s 21 years old and already putting the fear of god into opponents. His entry into the Slam Dunk Competition promises to be legendary.

Derrick Rose and the Rebirth of Chicago: It’s safe to say that I love Derrick Rose more than my family and wish to have his babies (if it were biologically possible). The humble, mumbly 22 year old from one of the roughest neighborhoods in the city has skyrocketed into the national scene. In a city dominated by crappy baseball and football he has gotten people to care about basketball again. After two solid but unspectacular seasons Derrick has taken the famous “leap” that most basketball players do in their third year. As a hometown kid there was always pressure to succeed but it’s never fazed Rose. He’s simply gotten better in every aspect of the game and done it with an “aw shucks” mentality that is hard to hate. Even at such a young age he has wowed his peers. Other superstars go on Twitter and say Rose is their favorite player to watch. He simply does things a 6’3” guard should not be capable of doing. The perfect combination of size, speed, strength, and big rippling muscles….sorry what are we talking about again?

The Oklahoma City Thunder: Making it Hard to Remember Seattle. Thanks to the NBA assisted swindling of the Seattle Supersonics, jackass grease-ball owner Clay Bennett was allowed to move a franchise with nearly 50 years of history in the Pacific Northwest to the basketball haven of…Oklahoma City? To the surprise of everyone, the OKC residents took the Thunder in and treated them like a newborn baby. They provided endless support to the point that home games remind one of a college atmosphere. With a likable core of youngsters led by Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook, the Thunder have made a quick turnaround from cellar-dweller into perennial playoff contender. The smooth shot of Durant combined with the jaw-dropping athleticism of Westbrook make the Thunder a must-see attraction.

The Miami Heat and the Player Hater’s Ball: By this time everyone knows about the ugly publicity stunt LeBron pulled back in July of 2010. That he left Cleveland for South Beach wasn’t a big deal, it was the absolute shamelessness of forcing a loyal fanbase to watch ESPN for an hour just so they could have their heart stomped on. Joining forces with the “RuPaul of big men” Chris Bosh and very handsome but still giant dickbag Dwayne Wade the Heat were expected to blow the league out of the water.  Though they’ve been downright impressive there’s a sense that no one really fears the Heat. Derrick Rose notably did not bother to recruit James or Wade last summer. The Boston Celtics have smacked Miami around like rag dolls in their three meetings. How will their Eastern Conference teammates treat them during what is typically a lighthearted exhibition game?

Now obviously I’ve only scratched the surface of what has honestly been the most fun 50+ games of basketball since the mid-90s (believe me, I have watched a lot of shitty games). But it does highlight a growing talent pool, which only creates more competitive teams and entertaining matchups. The league has suffered through an image crisis for years due to its close association with hip-hop culture but it’s safe to say the future has never looked brighter for a post-MJ world.


Your College Rivalry is a Cotillion Compared to Auburn-Alabama

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Are you one of those people who leaves a football game in the fourth quarter if it’s raining, or if your team is up by four touchdowns, or you want to beat the traffic, or you’re just generally kind of feeling like a pansy that day? If so, you are not qualified to be a University of Alabama fan. In fact, I hope you never meet any Alabama fans, because they would sense the pansy in you and eat you for lunch. Perhaps literally.

Yesterday, Auburn University announced that the two giant oak trees at historic Toomer’s Corner have been poisoned and will likely not survive, which comes two weeks after an Alabama fan who identified himself only as “Al from Dadeville” called in to Paul Finebaum’s radio show (which is a whole different circus of insanity that I encourage you to explore on your own time) and claimed to have administered a lethal dose of herbicide to the trees following the Crimson Tide’s defeat in the Iron Bowl. Since Al from Dadeville is an Alabama fan, he obviously didn’t claim responsibility by using such big words, but you get the idea.

Trees might not seem like a big deal to the uninitiated, but they’re central to the most Auburn-y of Auburn football traditions: Rolling Toomer’s Corner with toilet paper after a victory. Killing the trees at Toomer’s Corner is akin to a Michigan fan blowing up The Horseshoe and then pissing on the rubble or an Oklahoma fan shooting Bevo in the head and butchering him for steaks. Not only is it a drastic act of crazed fandom (and, it must be noted, sore-loserdom), but it’s also at least vaguely illegal; the FBI has opened an investigation because the poison used to kill the trees may have seeped into Auburn’s groundwater. Al from Dadeville potentially succeeded into sorta-poisoning not just the trees but the whole town, the prospect of which I can only imagine would make him nothing less than sexually excited.

The Great Toomer’s Tree Tragedy marks the second time in the past six months that an FBI investigation has rubbed up against the Auburn-Alabama football rivalry (the first involved dog track impresario and Auburn booster Milton McGregor and his possible financial involvement with some guy named Cameron Newton, a young man of whom I have certainly never heard and on whom I would cast nary an aspersion), clearly setting some sort of asinine fan-scandal record for American sports. We all have a lot of catching up to do in order to be the kinds of fans who commit not just regular felonies, but federal offenses for our teams of choice.

As a Georgia fan and somewhat impartial third party, I’m not really sure where I stand. My first thought was, “Sounds like something an Auburn fan would do,” which is perhaps even more telling when you consider the fact that my sainted mother is an Auburn alumna. And really, the only way that an Alabama fan could have cut further to the core of the Auburn fanbase would have been to hide Cam Newton’s Crest WhiteStrips. Killing the trees could have been an act of vicious brilliance if Al from Dadeville had only found it within himself to let them die silently, but like the moron he most surely is, he had to call in and claim ownership for the Crimson Tide. If a redneck sports fan does something rash and doesn’t document it on sports talk radio, does it still count? Of course not.

Which means that the real endgame of this whole debacle is not that the historic trees are about to be actual history, but that Auburn has a free shot at Alabama, one which surely no one will begrudge them, and Auburn fans can take that shot on as grand a scale as they see fit. Mostly because Alabama deserves it, but also partly because they’re already Auburn, the Dick Cheney of modern college football, so no one will be surprised when they retaliate. If I were them, I’d start trying to figure out some way to sell Nick Saban into white slavery immediately.

UPDATED: The man arrested this morning for the tree murders, Harvey Almorn Updyke, has children named Crimson and Bear. You cannot make this shit up. He was also never an Alabama student and has never been a season ticket holder.

Earlier: Trees at Toomer’s Corner poisoned via ESPN.com