death

32 posts

No One Here Gets Out Alive: The Thrilling Conclusion

In Part One, we examined the need for choosing a Health Care Proxy and making decisions about your Advanced Directives. In Part Two, we examined the realities about CPR and artificial nutrition.  Those are the big decisions that you need to make, but there are other things you may want to consider and put in your Advanced Directives/Living Will.

Hospital Transfers (Do Not Hospitalize order): If you are in a nursing home or even receiving treatment at home, you or your HCP can request a Do Not Hospitalize (DNH) order which is basically what it says.  If you  were to become acutely ill, you would not be sent to the Emergency Room  for evaluation and treatment, but be treated where you are, non-aggressively.  Hospitals can be a crappy place to spend your last hours.  Busy, noisy and intrusive not to mention frightening to someone with dementia or really anyone in crisis.  Hospitals are not the place for a peaceful death – if that is your goal.  However, without an explicit order, it’s possible that you may get sent in by a skittish provider who is not familiar with you or your wishes.

No Diagnostics or Treatment: You can also ask to have no diagnostic work – blood work, x-rays etc.  And request not to be treated for such common ailments as a urinary tract infection or respiratory infection.  You may decline surgery, dialysis, blood transfusions and medications.

Organ Donation: Please, please, please be an organ donor.  Let your family know of your decision and register as an organ donor. Even if you or your loved one has been sick for a while, they may still be eligible to donate skin, tissue or corneas.  There is a myth that if you register as an organ donor, the ER staff will not work as hard to save you.  Nothing could be farther from the truth.  ER doctors and nurses live to save lives.  It’s what they do, it’s who they are.  Trauma unit staff take it personally if they can’t save you.  It’s all they think about.  They are not going to let you die if there is a single thing they can do about it.  So please don’t not register because of this urban legend.

There are always going to be situations that don’t fit into the categories we have discussed.  Again, I will recommend Five Wishes.  This tool helps you think about life and death and what you priorities are.  You can also use it to think about what a loved one may have wanted, if they haven’t expressed their wishes beforehand.

Nothing is harder than to have to make these decisions for someone you love.  Please try to talk about this with you loved ones.  Even if you can’t talk about it directly, try to understand and appreciate what makes life worth living for them, what their spiritual beliefs are so you can make the best decisions should you ever be in that position.  And always remember it’s about the person who is sick, not about you.  What would they have wanted?  How would they want to live or die?  What was important to them?

For anyone who is going through, or has gone through this, you have my deepest sympathy.  I hope you are able to find peace and feel that you have done the best for your loved one.

As promised, an excerpt from my own advanced directives:

In the event that I

a)     Am in a terminal condition caused by illness or injury and have no reasonable hope of recovery or becoming aware of my surrounding or being able to use my mental abilities and/or;

b)    Have a progressive illness which will continue to worsen and result in my death and which cannot be improved or cured –including, but not limited to, progressive neurological diseases including, but not limited to: Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s, ALS, MS, or any form of dementia and/or;

c)     Have any condition that makes me unable to recognize people or to speak understandably and this condition is permanent and cannot be improved or cured, but is not considered in and of itself to be terminal, including, but not limited to, a persistent vegetative state, coma, severe stroke, injury or the progressive neurological diseases or dementias listed above, my wishes regarding medical intervention are the following:

No resuscitation (no manual, electrical or chemical cardiac resuscitation)

No intubation or any form of respiratory support (see below re: oxygen

No dialysis, no blood transfusions

No surgery for any reason or condition

No oral or IV/IM antibiotics or any other medications given with the intent of saving or prolonging my life.  Any underling medical conditions such as (but not limited to) diabetes, hypertension, DVT should not be treated, nor do I wish to be treated for any acute illnesses including (but not limited to) urinary tract infection or respiratory infection.

No artificial or supplemental nutrition or hydration in any form or via any mode of delivery.

No diagnostic testing or monitoring whatsoever.  No blood work, no imaging nor any other test invasive or non-invasive to diagnose any illness or condition.

If I am in a skilled nursing facility, sub-acute or rehab hospital, no transfers to any acute care hospital or emergency department for care or evaluation under any circumstance.

I DO, however, wish to be given any medication, including, but not limited to, narcotic and/or non-narcotic pain relievers, benzodiazepines, anticonvulsants or similar medications IF the sole purpose is to decrease pain and/or increase comfort. As a nurse, I fully understand that these medications often, when used in amounts necessary to fully ease suffering, may hasten or even cause my death.  I also authorize the use of oxygen so long as it is being used for comfort measures and not for prolongation of life.

Life, Death and Violence: Dream On

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From WCRS Detroit and Public Snark International, this is Life, Death and Violence. Every week on our program we choose a theme and research a number of people and events that fit that theme. Today on Life, Death and Violence: Paradise. Imagine, for a moment, if you will, that paradise is exactly where you are right now, only much, much better. This is the land in which we will be traveling to today. Paradise though, is merely a dream, a hope, and, naturally we’ll be discussing the very nature of hopes and dreams today as well. I had a dream last night. I dreamt that I was about to be murdered in old Tiger Stadium, but, at the last minute, I was saved by this week’s Life, Death and Violence Crush Object™, Diana Rigg.

Diana entered from the visiting dugout, dressed, obviously, as Mrs. Emma Peel in a bright orange jumpsuit. She shot my attacker’s knife out of his hand and proceeded to dispatch him in a brief battle in hand to hand combat. Diana and I then rode out of Old Tiger Stadium on a beautiful white stallion which we rode across the pond and into Paris. 

It seemed like an instant, that ride, and I found myself transported from urban decay to a quiet little cafe in Montmarte drinking coffee delivered by our waiter, a centaur. The centaur began to tell a long story, which I will summarize in brief. His utopian home had been ravaged by humanoid goats and all the centaurs were forced into exile by the king of the goats, a potbellied pig named Phillip. Our waiter, Brian, then took my name and number when I asked if there was anything I could do to help and Diana and I each received a letter shortly after enlisting us as Generals in the Centaur Army. We went to Centauristan, kicked some goat butt, made delicious bacon out of Phillip and returned the land to the centaurs. Brian, for enlisting us who saved the nation, was named King and we all had a champagne toast in their golden palace. I woke up just as my gift from the centaurs, Joseph Gordon Levitt, leaned in to kiss me. I hate dreams. They always shatter.

Our show today, in four acts.

Act One: Trouble in Paradise: She was on top of the world, but found herself ready to snap.

Act Two: The Fulfillment of Dreams: The story of a writer who hit the big time and stayed there.

Act Three: The Death of Dreams: A disastrous failure shocks the nation.

Act Four: The Birth of Dreams: How one nation’s discovery changed the world, but was it for the worse?

Act One: Trouble in Paradise

The Carpenters: Top of the World

I remember, being a little kid in Metro Detroit, when I heard my first Carpenters song. I was, maybe, four, and having trouble going to sleep. I’d gone to sleep for a little bit, but had had a nightmare and was too afraid to try again. I called out for my mother around 1AM. She got me a glass of water and sang me “Close to You,” which calmed me down enough to fall back into the land of good dreams, where the impossible becomes possible and everything is made of rainbows. The next morning, I asked my mother to sing the song for me again, but, instead, she pulled out a vinyl copy of the Close to You album and played it for me while she got ready for work. At the time, she was working the afternoon shift at the local hospital, so my sister and I got to see her in the morning as our days were starting, which I really liked. I wasn’t in preschool at the time. I’d dropped out because the other kids were being mean to me and I had massive separation anxiety. Karen Carpenter’s voice reminded me of my mother, even though my mother didn’t sing nearly as well, so I played that record over and over and over again. We got rid of it a few years later when my parents switched from vinyl and tape over to compact disc, but it was fairly well worn anyways. Who knows how much longer it would have lasted.

The devastation felt when I found out Karen Carpenter had died before I was born was heartwrenching. I wasn’t blind. I understood from the copyright on the album that the record was released in 1970, but the girl on it looked so young. She couldn’t possibly be dead. People only die when they’re old. Such is the naivete of youth, I suppose. And when I found out she died because, as I understood it, her heart stopped, I was even more confused and all my mother would say was that Karen stopped eating. My mother doesn’t eat a lot, so I didn’t really understand that. Why had she stopped eating? Was she on a diet? Why would she be on a diet? She looked pretty. I was too young to understand media blitzkrieg, so I just sat there for years questioning what happened to Karen Carpenter.

Karen left my thoughts and my music collection for about a decade, until I found myself in New York City. It was big, scary, unknown. I felt alone. I didn’t know anybody. I was living with strangers I’d met on Craigslist and had planned to get an apartment with since they were moving out of theirs. After that plan fell through (which I find to be the worst thing to happen to me: a true 3br with a fireplace and a big kitchen, lots of light and in a pre-war building for 1400/month fully furnished was lost because one of the girls I was going to live with decided Bed Stuy was too dangerous for her and she’d find another apartment for 450/month elsewhere. As if, woman. I was too weak and insecure to find two other people to take the apartment with me and I ended up in a bedbug ridden hellhole in Sunset Park before moving into the dorms at Pratt Institute), Karen came back into my life. I was depressed and lonely, feeling the peak of my suicidal wishes. Rainy Days and Mondays, I decided, was what I’d kill myself to. It wasn’t a very happy time, until, I started re-listening to the happier music, going out and feeling better about myself. I can’t say that Karen Carpenter saved my life, but she did play a part in making me feel sane again, even if that sanity is still frequently challenged. I’m grateful for that, and I’m grateful that even though I didn’t get the chance to ever see her live since she died before my birth, that at least there’s a recording of her voice in every record store across America. The voice of an angel ready to change another person’s life, ready to make the world seem full of hopes, dreams and possibilities yet again, even in our darkest hour.

The Carpenters: Close to You

 

Act Two: The Fulfillment of Dreams

Today is the deathday of famed comic book artist Hergé. I first wanted to start writing watching the adventures of his famed Parisian journalist, Tin Tin and his dog, snowy. Let’s watch some of it together.

That Tin-Tin! Always getting into some sort of misadventure. This must be what it’s like to work for the New York Times! Right?

Act Three: The Death of Dreams

I wasn’t born during the Challenger Incident. It predated me by three years, but I did feel a closeness to the incident once I’d found out that our middle school principal, the only principal I’ve ever liked, whose name was, and if I’m lying about this may the Flying Spaghetti Monster strike me dead, Dr. Freeze, was one of the runner-ups for the Teacher in Space program. Someone I knew could have been killed in a massive space-oriented explosion, which horrified me as a space-obsessed tween who’d gone to Space Camp a few years earlier. This event was revisited shortly after the attacks on 9/11, which, naturally, my awful middle school neglected to tell us about causing me to come home all happy-go-lucky because soccer practice was cancelled and I really didn’t want to go to soccer practice that day. My sister, in response, snarled at me viciously and directed my attention to the television. It felt weird to watch an explosion over and over and over again and I got the sense that this is what my parents were doing in ’86, not knowing that someone they would soon know was almost on that shuttle. This week wasn’t the 25th Anniversary of the explosion, that was a few months ago. Instead it contains an even sadder bit of emotional violence: The discovery of the crew cabin in the Atlantic Ocean.

Challenger Crew

These “what if” fascinations haunted me for quite some time, especially once the Columbia shuttle exploded on reentry. I kept thinking to myself. What would I do if someone I knew died in an explosion that was plastered all over national television? How would I react? I never came up with an answer, simply because I understood that I couldn’t empathize with anyone involved in such an incident if it didn’t happen to me. I could sympathize. I could say “I’m sorry this happened to you. I’m here if you need me,” but I couldn’t say “I understand. It’s going to be okay,” because I didn’t understand, I didn’t know if it would be okay. Months later, I experienced my first death, that of my grandfather/puzzle partner. Even then, I still felt I couldn’t empathize with a death so sudden. My grandfather had been ill for months from lung cancer and we weren’t surprised when he finally passed. I think that, as crushed as she was, it was a bit of a relief for my grandmother. That year was very stressful in my family because of my grandfather’s rapidly deteriorating health, but if he had died in, say, a car crash, things would have been a lot different. The mourning would have lasted much longer, just as I’m certain that Christa McAuliffe’s family is still morning her loss, after that fireball in the sky, and having a record of her exact moment of death on hand has to be a surefire way to make it impossible to move on. For that reason, as easy as it may be to post, I’m opting to not post a video of the Challenger Disaster. I’m not going to promote the fetishization of death. All those disasters and space misadventures though did nothing to halt my love of space and desire to be an astronaut. That’s the responsibility of my complete hatred of Algebra 2 which led to my complete hate of Chemistry which led me into the arts.

S Club 7: Reach For the Stars

Act Four: The Birth of Dreams

In 1938, Saudi Arabia discovered oil in its borders, launching the 20th Century Mideastern Oil Boom and creating a dependence on the region that, nearly a decade ago, led to war, yet again, over the black, golden syrup. I’m not an expert on Mideastern Affairs and I’m not going to pretend to be. We all know that our over-reliance on oil is bad for the future of the planet. I’m going to leave Act Four up for discussion in the comments. Would the world be any different if that level of oil was, say, discovered in Western Europe, or would we just be at war with the French instead (oh what an easy war that would be!?) Can tension ever be resolved so as to lighten the stress on our ever dwindling oil reserves? What is there to be done? Let’s talk oil.

Salt n Pepa: Let’s Talk About Oil Sex

No One Here Gets Out Alive Part 2: DNR and Artificial Nutrition

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In Part One of our series, we all accepted the inevitable and subsequently gave serious thought to who we would choose to make decisions for us were we unable to do so.   Nah.  I know we’re all still in denial.  That’s why I plan to keep nagging you all by talking about this with some frequency.  Today we will talk a bit about some of the actual decisions you need to make for yourself, and possibly for a loved one.  Because I would like to not overwhelm you with information and give you enough information, I will break this down a couple of issues at a time.  Today we will discuss the two biggies:  Do Not Resuscitate orders and artificial nutrition.

DNR stands for ‘Do Not Resuscitate’.  What this means is that if your heart stops beating and you stop breathing, your medical and nursing providers will not attempt CPR or any other means of restarting your heart or breathing.  When making this decision it is important to be realistic about the limits and success of CPR.  TV representations of CPR are very unrealistic, with survival rates over double that of real life.  Also, contrary to what you may see on TV, people don’t get up and walk around after being resuscitated.  They spend days, maybe weeks, in an Intensive Care Unit on ventilation and, if they survive long enough to be discharged, a rate that has been described as being close to zero,  there is often residual physical and cognitive damage and months of rehabilitation that follows.

CPR survival rates range wildly and are affected by how sick you were in the first place.  Generally speaking, 3-37% of people outside of a hospital who get CPR survive the initial resuscitation.  It’s 3-15% for in hospital attempts, reflecting the poor outcomes for people who are already sick or elderly.  Again, this is ‘survival’ of the resuscitation attempt only.  As an historical side note, it has been noted that CPR survival rates have gone down since its introduction because it is used so often on people who are not appropriate candidates (people too sick or of an advanced age to survive)

The best candidates for CPR are younger, generally healthy, victims of trauma or who have a sudden cardiac arrest caused by an arrhythmia.

If you are making this decision for an elderly family member, the simple, honest truth is that they will not survive the attempt.  And even if they do, they will never get out of the ICU.  That is the blunt and honest truth.  Even more ‘Dr. House’:  we will do nothing but crack their ribs into pieces and disrespect their death by attempting it.

DNI: Do not intubate.  This generally goes along with a DNR.  I have seem some orders that are DNI only which is utterly nonsensical as you will need to be intubated if you stop breathing and your heart stops.  Why do CPR with all its intendant risks if you’re not going to follow it up with respiratory support?

Artificial Nutrition:  Artificial nutrition most often takes the form of tube feedings.  This is a tube that is surgically inserted into your stomach or intestine and a liquid supplement is infused directly in.  There are several indications for this, and it is not necessarily an end of life procedure.  For example, Roger Ebert has a gastric tube as a result of his cancer and surgery.  Anyone who loses their ability to swallow is a candidate.  People with esophageal or gastric cancer or people who have neurological swallowing issues because of a stroke are just a couple of examples.  Most of these people live perfectly fine lives with a feeding tube.  However, if you are in a persistent vegetative state or end stage dementia or end stage neurological disease, it is a different kind of decision.  You will have to think about how you would feel having this is there was no hope of recovery or returning to your previous mental state.   Many people with dementia lose their appetite as well as the ability to coordinate their chewing and swallowing which puts them at risk for aspiration and pneumonia.  A feeding tube is often recommended in this situation.  A feeding tube will only provide nutrition.  It will not cure or reverse the natural processes that are occurring.  The same is true of IV hydration.  As people lose the ability to swallow, they become dehydrated and the kidneys and body shuts down.  Fluids may be administered, but will only delay the inevitable.

It is important to note that it is not ‘starving’ someone if artificial nutrition or hydration is declined.  Any pain at end of life would be managed aggressively and comfort and dignity are the paramount goals.  In addition, the dehydration that naturally occurs results in electrolyte imbalances that cloud pain and cognition and provide a natural pain killer and release of endorphins.

I think that’s enough for today, kids.  If you want some help thinking about these decisions, there is an excellent resource called 5 Wishes that helps you think through these end of life decisions.  In the next installment, I will discuss dialysis, Do Not Hospitalize orders and organ donation – and the exciting unveiling of my own advance directives – Spoiler Alert! – Don’t keep me alive.

The awesome story behind the thumbnail pic.

Life, Death and Violence: A Study of March 1

There’s been a debate in the art community for quite some time now regarding a work by Duccio, known as the Stroganoff Madonna and features a baby Jesus Christ playfully tugging at his mother’s hood, in the Metropolitan Museum of Art. It’s a small piece, about 8.5 by 11 inches, in egg tempera and with a gold leaf background. The Museum asserts its authenticity, but others, notably the late art historian James Beck, disagree. It is highly unlikely that the work, which has been analyzed over and over again by the Met’s crack team of forensic artists, will be declared illegitimate, but if it had, it would be devastating to the Met’s credibility, especially since they paid an undisclosed sum that has been rumored to be as high as 45 million USD, the highest sum they have ever paid for a work of art. For now, since Professor Beck is dead, the matter is certain to now be a moot point, but it does give us the opportunity to debate about pigment qualities and, more importantly, the importance of the artist in regards to the work. Would it have sold for 45 million USD had the work not been a Duccio, but had been attributed to a lesser artist of the proto-renaissance, even if it had been identical to the piece currently housed in the museum and preserved to the exact same condition?

From WCRS Detroit and Public Snark International this is This American Life, Death and Violence. Each day on our program, we choose a theme and incorporate a series of people and stories that fit that into theme. Today: Idolatry. Why does name matter and what happens when we go too far in our idolatry? Our program today, in four acts. Act One: Life (Never Say Never), Act Two: Death (Model for Success), Act Three: Violence (Bombs in the Men’s Room) and Act Four: Other Neat Things That Happened (Yahoo? Yahoo. Yahoo! You?), but before we begin, we must pay our respects to Life, Death and Violence Crush Object™ Sufjan Stevens:

LIFE!

(Never Say Never)
  • 1449: Lorenzo de’Medici: Lorenzo, whom Wikipedia says was born January 1, but is technically born on March 1 as he was born before the advent of the Gregorian Calendar (the Julian Calendar started its year in the month of March), was not only worthy of idolatry, he essentially created the idols that we know and love today, notably Life, Death and Violence Obsession™ Michelangelo Buonarotti, who sculpted the visage of the intellectual Italian statesman to your right.
  • The peasants referred to him as Lorenzo the Magnificent, which is just majorly cool and total idolatry, and many scholars mark his death as the end of the Golden Age of Firenze (that’s Florence) and with Lorenzo the Magnificent no longer around, the fractured Italian states began fighting with each other, once again. The loss of an idol can be a tragic event, indeed.
  • 1886: Oskar Kokoschka: When I was in art school, we had a thing wherein we’d go behind someone, push them lightly on the shoulders, not enough to make them fall down, but enough to scare them, and scream Oskar Kokoschka’s name. It was an act of absurdism in the name of the master of German Expressionism and the idol of myself and several of my friends. The painter, poet and playwright was originally told that he was mentally unstable after being injured in World War One, but aren’t all the greats? I know that I’m pretty mentally unstable. Who wants to be stable? Perhaps its my idolatry of Kokoschka that has led to my allowing myself this instability. Anyways, the Nazis deemed him and his work degenerative, so he escaped to Prague, until the Czech began to mobilize for an invasion from Germany and he escaped to the United Kingom. His style was very nervous, but filled with great motion and intrigue and his play is considered the first Expressionist drama. The individualism displayed by himself and Max Beckmann created one of the greatest offshoots of the Modern Art movement, though Kokoschka saw himself as a footnote in the annals of art history towards the end of his life which made him bitter. Here’s an example of his work: The Red Egg, 1941, currently in Prague’s Narodni Gallery:

  • 1987: Ke¢ha: That girl who always looks really dirty and sings about brushing her teeth in the morning with a bottle of Jack Daniels because she’s a complete alcoholic turns 24 today! Ke¢ha is a terrible idol, mainly because while she’s had great success, she’s not particularly talented. I like Ke¢ha when I’m driving and not wanting to listen to WRCJ or WOMC, but that’s about it. There’s no substance. Still, she has more money than we could dream of, but hey, I like her better than Gaga so there’s that.
  • Seriously though, girl, take a shower and go to AA. I don’t know if you actually have a problem, but from your lyrics and from your hair, it definitely seems to me like you need to just take a chill pill before the tabloids start turning you into the next Lindsay Lohan and we wouldn’t want that because then who else would we dance and sing to in our car, besides Katy Perry whom I totally do a solo performance for an audience of myself of Fireworks in the style of Ann Liv Young every time that stupid song comes on. You guys are catchy!

[slideshow id=3]

  • 1994: Justin Bieber; Are you a belieber? This teen idol wants you to know that its his world (2.0) and to never say never. With his luscious locks and girlish face, this little lesbian (can you spot which is the real Bieber in the slideshow to your left? Can you?!) took the world by storm last year after being discovered in 2009 on that site that all the young people love called “The YouTubular Video Sharing Website” or something like that. Anyways, the Biebs, the ultimate in idolatry, turns 17 today which makes him legal in New York. Get on that Beliebers! But, remember, you may have to fight off Selena Gomez. He never said never, and now he’s an international Canadian pop star.

 

DEATH!

(Model for Success)
  • 1244: Gryffydd ap Llywelyn Fawr: Ashlee Simpson’s baby naming idol was kidnapped as a kid by the King of England as a pledge for the continued good faith of  Gryffydd’s father Llywelyn the Great. Griffid. Gryefehd. Gryffindor.
  • Gryffydd’s brother Daffyd imprisoned Gryffydd until King Henry III invaded Wales and made Daffyd give him Gryffydd and so Gryffydd became imprisoned in the Tower of London where he remained until he died trying to escape in 1244. He was fat and the rope he was using to escape snapped. Looks like he shouldn’t have used Blondin’s rope supplier! What I’m saying here is that the Welsh have weird names.
  • 1980: Wilhelmina Cooper: An icon amongst models and the idol of every aspiring girl, Wilhelmina Cooper, founder of Wilhelmina Models, and the woman with the most Vogue covers: 28. She appeared on 255 covers during her career, launched Naomi Sims, the first black supermodel and was portrayed by Faye Dunaway in the movie Gia about another model Wilhelmina’s agency launched to stardom, Gia Carangi who later died of AIDS.
  • She died of lung cancer at the age of 40, which, for the second day in a row, marks yet another death from cigarettes. I’m glad I quit when they were fourteen bucks a pack because now that I can get them for about seven, I don’t really care to because it’s just not something I need anymore. Wilhelmina Cooper is great and all, but here’s a photo of my favorite model:

Photo: Tamara Staples

 

  • 1984: Jackie Coogan: A comedic idol! Jackie Coogan was a stah! A child stah! With all the child stah problems like having his parents steal his earnings. Naturally, he sued them, got very little of the money he earned and got a bill named after him that requires 15% of child star earnings to be placed into a trust. He’s best known as Uncle Fester on The Addams Family, but he was also Oliver Twist.
  • Storytime! Here’s what happens when you mess with your idols: In 1933, just after Coogan turned 18, one of his friends was kidnapped and the kidnappers demanded 40k. The police got involved, arrested the two men who admitted to killing Coogan’s friend Brooke Hart the night of the kidnapping and threw them in the clink. Shortly after, a mob, rumored to have been organized by Coogan, broke into the prison, snagged the kidnappers and lynched them in the park across the street. Don’t mess with Uncle Fester.

 

VIOLENCE!

(Bombs in the Men’s Room)
  • 1847: Michigan bans capital punishment. Go Blue!
  • 1910: AVALANCHE! Train buried in Washington State, killing 96 people. Sufjan! You get your butt in here right now, mister. This is your fault, isn’t it!?



  • 1971: BOOM! BANG! POW! Weather Underground explodes a bomb in the men’s room at the US Capitol Building. Bad weather, indeed!
  • 2008: POP! POP! SHOOT EM UP! 10 people peacefully protesting the allegedly fraudulent elections in Armenia are killed by Armenian police.

OTHER NEAT THINGS THAT HAPPENED

(Yahoo? Yahoo. Yahoo! You.)
  • 1565: Rio de Janeiro is founded, paving the way for the ultimate in beach watching for years to come.
  • 1803: Ohio becomes the 17th state, paving the way for the ultimate in corn fed Midwestern guys and roller coasters for years to come.
  • 1867: Nebraska becomes a state, paving the way for the ultimate in farmer’s tans for years to come.
  • 1936: The Hoover Dam is finished, paving the way for the ultimate in ‘kids getting away with saying damn’ situations for years to come.
  • 1962: American Airlines 1 crashes upon takeoff, paving the way for the ultimate in last minute plane crash avoidance for years to come.
  • 1995: Yahoo! is founded, paving the way for the ultimate in search engines for years to come. Oh wait: Google. Sorry, Yahoo!

 

That’s it for today’s program my little birds. This American Life, Death and Violence will be back tomorrow, for yet another look into the past through this Vaseline coated lens of ours. Remember, idolatry is all fun and games until someone’s lynched in a park. Have a great day.

Photo: Tamara Staples

 

Life, Death and Violence: A Study of February 28

Each day on This American Life, Death and Violence we choose a different theme and come up with people and stories that fit that theme. Today: People who have good intentions. Stories of people trying to help, but end up causing a lot of trouble. For instance, we always try to have good intentions,  but it tends to backfire which has led to us getting called manipulative bastards by ex-boyfriends, which, well, isn’t fun, but, you know, we had good intentions! Anyways, let’s get to the fun!

Oh yeah. Before we begin, we’d like to make an announcement. In order to avoid overexposure, Joseph Gordon Levitt will no longer be mentioned in this blog. Every other Monday we will introduce a new crush object to alleviate weariness and this fortnight’s crush/mascot is Sufjan Stevens. We’re also debuting our fancy new logo! Get it on a mug!*

LIFE!

(When we put on our wings and soar towards success)


  • 1824: Blondin: Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the King’s horses and all the King’s men couldn’t put Humpty together again. This French tightrope walker didn’t die from a fall, but he did have a fall that ended with the death of two people. It’s such a shame when the good intentions of entertainment lead to death. In 1861, while performing 50 feet above the ground, the rope he was on broke, causing the scaffolding to fall. Blondin was not injured, but two workers who were on the scaffolding fell to their deaths. An investigation occurred in which no fault was put onto Blondin or his manager. However, the judge said the rope maker had a lot to answer for. The man who ran the venue where the incident occurred vowed never to have a spectacle of that sort ever again, yet, Blondin was back the next year doing a tightrope walk 100 feet above the ground even though there was a bench warrant against him and his manager for not appearing at a trial in regards to the earlier, deadly incident as they were touring in America at that particular time. Blondin enjoyed a successful career until his death some thirty years later.

  • 1903: Vincente Minnelli: The famed director had the good intentions of love on his mind when he started courting Judy Garland on the set of “Meet Me in St. Louis,” but then he gave us Liza. Just kidding! We love Liza!
  • Back to Vincente, who was born as Lester. If we were born with a name like Lester, we would definitely change it to something cooler. We were almost named Jared according to our mother and thank god that didn’t happen. Anyways, Vincente’s famous flicks include An American in Paris, Brigadoon, Gigi, Father of the Bride and Madame Bovary.
  • He married four times (four!) and ended up dying from emphysema and pneumonia. Smoking is bad kids, but smoking in the snow in a t-shirt and a pair of jorts? That’s fatal. Remember that.

  • 1912: Clara Petacci: It’s hard to say what Clara’s intentions were when she teamed up with Mussolini, if they were good, if they were bad, but her continued support of the regime lead to further turmoil of the Italian people and when Benito and the Jets were captured by the Russians, she was shot with them, even though rumour has it that she was given the option to break up with the Italian dictator and escape with her life. She stayed with the band and Benito and the Jets ended up hanging upside down at a gas station.
  • Clara died at the age of 33, the same age as Jesus. We’re not saying she’s the messiah and that the Russians killed her and did a World War 2 crucifixion (shot in the head and strung up upside down so people can pelt your dead body with rocks). We’re just saying she was 33 is all and was hanged for vandalism in The Garden of Gasthemene Petrol Station. Honest.

DEATH!

(Where we go when our good intentions take us too close to the sun)

 

  • 1525: Cuauhtemoc: Cuauhtemoc (say that ten times fast) became the ruler of Tenochtitlan at 18 while the Spanish were taking over and everyone was dying of smallpox. This was like if the Secretary of Agriculture became President because no one else was able to do it, so yeah. In 1521, all the good intentions of saving the Aztecs failed, as he was captured by Cortes while fleeing Tenochtitlan in disguise. He asked to be killed, but Cortes had the royal treasurer torture Cuauhtemoc by burning his feet until he gave up that darned Aztec gold  (which was essentially nonexistent) and, fearing an insurrection, Cortes had Cuauhtemoc (we just love typing that name! Cuauhtemoc Cuauhtemoc Cuauhtemoc!) hanged, but not before Cuauhtemoc placed a curse on Cortes and made him feel guilty about hanging him! Oh Cuauhtemoc! You so smart! WE LOVE YOU AND YOUR GOOD INTENTIONS!
  • 1891: George Hearst: Georgie Boy had good intentions. He wanted the American Dream™ and he lived the American Dream™. He became a successful miner and investor and became a United States senator: The American Dream™. He more than provided for his family including, and this is where his good intentions took a turn for the worse, his son William Randolph who became a newspaperman and championed yellow journalism and that’s why we have stuff like the NY Post. Ugh. Hate you George, but mainly because we blame you for bad puns in headlines. You yourself are pretty awesome and a good role model for all us prospectors headed towards California, which would be  us! Announcement: We’re moving to California to find gold!
  • George Hearst had the most amazing beard known to hipster. They’d be mad jealous of him on Kent. And by they, we mean both sides of the culture wars: The Hipsters and The Hasids. It truly is amazing and we’re typing in awe as we look at it. Typing. In. Awe.
  • 1965: Emile Buisson: The French! Always surrendering! Well, this one had terrible intentions and he didn’t so much surrender as he was caught, but, then again, he didn’t kill them all when they closed in. He surrendered himself. Just like the French are wont to do. Anyways, Emily was a French gangster who killed a lot of people, and by a lot of people, we mean a lot of people. Like, more than thirty people. That’s a lot of people! What bad things can happen from good, we mean, bad intentions.
  • He was first captured in 1941, but was considered criminally insane and sent to the looney bin where he escaped in 1947. He was finally caught and executed in 1965. At least the French police never surrendered!

 

VIOLENCE!

(What happens when we exert force upon others)


  • 1710: Denmark vs Sweden! MONDAY! MONDAY! MONDAY! Be there! Be there! Be there! Only at The Silverdooome! 14,000 Swedes beat up 14,000 Danes and all the Danes got as consolation was a vicious plague and complete ruin of a few cities until the mid 19th century. Sweden won with superior design.
  • 1958: Crash! Boom! A bus full of children hits a wrecker truck and falls into a river killing 26 kids and the bus driver. Wait a sec. Isn’t this Simon Birch? (leaves to look up) Nope, that was filmed in Canada. Here’s a pic of the bus driver:

Seriously though. Sad.

  • 1991: George Bush wins the first Gulf War! You go, girl!

 

OTHER NEAT THINGS THAT HAPPENED TODAY!

(How we thought it was a good idea to fly close to the sun with wings of wax is beyond us. Who do we think we are?)


  • 1883: The first vaudeville theater opens! Hello mah baby, hello mah honey, hello mah ragtime gaaaal! We’re gonna be a stah! A stah!
  • 1993: Invasion of David Koresh’s compound in Waco, Texas.
  • 2004: More than a million Taiwanese persons hold hands to commemorate the 228 Incident in which ten to thirty thousand protesters were killed by their government. The 228 Incident is now known within Taiwan as  Peace Memorial Day and the ring a bell to remember the victims.

 

Our intention today was to wow you, little birds, with another treasure trove of historical facts and whimsical words. We hope nothing bad comes of those good intentions and we leave you, until tomorrow, with another glorious photo of Life, Death and Violence Crush Object™ Sufjan Stevens:

*Life, Death and Violence logo not actually available on a mug.


Life, Death and Violence: A Study of February 26-27

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. What the hell is going on? This is what you’re saying. We know it’s what you’re saying because we can read your minds here at Life, Death and Violence, your #1 source for poor research and bad jokes about Joseph Gordon Levitt:

Joseph Gordon Levitt walked into a bar. He woke up a week later in the hospital.

JGL Immediately After He Walked Into That Bar

 

#Cracktalk has returned, but we lost a day, so we must make it up. We must avenge Friday by talking about Saturday and its holier than thou sister Sunday. Are you ready for the weekend? It’s basically over already, so, whatever. Who cares. Let’s get to it, little birds. Welcome to Video Weekends.

LIFE!

(If it was warmer, we’d take you to the zoo because that’s a weekend thing to do)
  • 272: Constantine the Great: He had a city named after him. Let’s hear about it:


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  • 1926: HM: He had amnesia and could learn new skills but not remember learning them. That’s weird. Here’s a skill we all can learn:


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  • 1928: Anatoli Filipchenko: Cosmonaut. Let’s learn about Apollo/Soyuz:


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  • 1932: Johnny Cash: He sang songs. Let’s listen:

 

DEATH!

(If it was summer, we’d go to the beach. It’s winter though and that’s a bummer)
  • 1892: Louis Vuitton: This dead guy’s stuff is liked by this living guy:


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  • 1993: Lillian Gish: Roll the tapes:


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  • 1998: Ted Schultz: Economist. Let’s learn about the economy:


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  • 2008: Dick Fletcher: We always preferred Weather Girls to Weathermen:


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VIOLENCE!

(If it was spring, we’d probably be cleaning)
  • You want violence?  Boom. Bang. Here:


 

OTHER NEAT THINGS THAT HAPPENED!

(Let’s just go to the arcade and play Dance Dance Revolution, okay? Meet you in 20)
  • 1815: Napoleon escapes Elba. Here’s why he was there:


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  • 1919: It’s official. The Grand Canyon is a national park. Here it is:


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  • 1974: People Magazine is published. Here’s our favorite People from 1974:


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  • 1986: The Senate starts televising debates. Here’s some early Senate footage:


 

 

We have an Oscar party to get ready for. Bye. See you on Monday for a real one of these.

Life, Death and Violence: A Study of February 23

Today on Life, Death and Violence: Men! And the manliest man thing of all? Sports! Yes, little birds, today we’re covering sports history. Throw that baseball into the endzone and make sure you don’t go offsides so you can get that service ace! Touchdown! These are sports things, right? Our sports memory has been hazy ever since that time in the fourth grade when our father made us go to Little League practice and we told him we didn’t want to do it anymore, but we went and got hit in the eye. We had to get stitches and then perform as Young Cain in Children of Eden that very night. Sports! The glory of victory and the suffering of defeat or something like that. Come running with us and Joseph as we explore this mystical world.

LIFE! (Ten hut, hike, yooouuu’rrreee OUT!)

  • 1970: Niecy Nash: Gold Medalist in the 2008 Olympic Sport of Cleaning and Negotiation (it wasn’t an aired event. NBC evidently didn’t think that it was worth their airtime), Niecy Nash knows how to werk it and get what she wants for the people she’s helping. She also looks fantastic with her signature flower. Unfortunately for the sport of Cleaning and Negotiations,  Ms. Nash retired in 2010 and has since disappeared from the highly televised sport, except, of course, on Style Classic, which showcases her stunning feats and most amazing victories. Ms. Nash supplemented her income as a Cleaning and Negotiations champion by being a police officer in the city of Reno, Nevada from 2003-2009.
  • One possible theory for her tragic and early departure from Cleaning and Negotiations is that Ms. Nash became so emotionally shattered after only managing 5th place in the 2010 edition of Dancing With the Stars, a ballroom dancing competition and a sport that she so heavily wanted to succeed in. We eagerly await the return of Ms. Nash to our airwaves in the sport of her choosing, but until then, we can only watch her victories.

  • 1983: Mirco Bergamasco: We guess he plays rugby and we’re not really sure how that’s played, but we eagerly look forward to learning if it’s solely played by guys like the Italian Bergamasco.

  • 1994: Dakota Fanning: Ms. Fanning, seen just prior to her 2004 Gold Medal at the Athens Olympics in Adorability (another unaired sport), also scored a silver in the 2008 Beijing Olympics after a narrow, crushing defeat to a little Chinese girl.
  • Next year’s London Olympics are set to be her last as by the time 2016 rolls bye, she’ll be 22 and aged out of the event.
  • Dakota, on the side, films many movies and is considered a Respected Female Starlet, though many are eagerly waiting for when she finally Lohans, but we don’t think that’ll happen. Dakota seems like a nice girl even if we’ve never seen any of her work, including the seminal 2003 film, Uptown Girls which co-starred now-deceased actress Brittany Murphy whom we just loved in Clueless.

DEATH! (We almost died playing Muggle Quidditch once. No, really*)

  • 1961: Davey Crockett: Davey played for the Detroit Tigers (put yo hands up for Detroit!) during their 1901 season and has his name carved into some stone at Comerica Park, but we haven’t seen it, mainly because we’re too busy looking at bronze sculptures of real players like Ty Cobb and Al Kaline. He did not wear a coonskin cap and that photo is not of him as we could not locate a photo of Davey Crockett the Baseball Player. Instead, we present to you, our dear readers, the above photo of former Pittsburgh Pirate Dale Long looking mighty fine while eating a sandwich.

  • 2000: Sir Stanley Matthews: Sir Stanley ate no meat. Sir Stanley drank no booze. Sir Stanley was boring, but he did play soccer, or, as you European pansies call it, football, and is considered to be one of the best players that the English have ever produced.
  • He has a stupid nickname: “The Wizard of the Dribble.” That’s really stupid. Also, he played for Stoke City and Blackpool, whatever that means and was also an inaugural inductee into the English Footballers Hall of Fame in 2002. Too bad he died before the ceremony. We don’t really get soccer. It’s just a lot of passing and the field seems way to big. Give us hockey any day.
  • He retired when he was 70 and was able to play at the top level until he was 50, which we guess is pretty impressive given the average lifespan of a sports person’s career. Maybe it has something to do with all the not-drinking and the not-eating meat. We don’t believe that. Then again, we aren’t star ‘footballers.’

  • 2008: Paul Frere: Italians drive fast and make lots of left turns like nobody else. VROOM! He also wrote about racing.

VIOLENCE! (War is  a sport that some nations are good at and some nations are bad at, just like real sports)

  • 1836: Shoot em up! BANG! BANG! ZOOM! The Battle of the Alamo began and, by the end, Davy Crockett the Baseball Player the Folk Hero would be dead.
  • 1847: Yesterday’s Battle of Buena Vista continued!
  • 1941: Glenn Seaborg creates and isolates plutonium paving the way for nuclear weapons.
  • 1997: Fire on Mir! ABORT ABORT!

OTHER NEAT THINGS THAT HAPPENED TODAY (We’re good at bowling, but is bowling a sport?)

  • 632: The Prophet Mohammed retires from the sport of Public Speaking.
  • 1903: Cuba leased Guantanamo Bay to the Americans forever, one of the worst plays in the history of the sport of Foreign Affairs, at least from the Cuban perspective.
  • 1954: The Sport of Hunting Diseases begins a major match as man starts to inject kids with anti-polio vaccines.
  • 2005: The French pass a law requiring teacher’s to speak positively about colonialism. The law is repealed the next year. The Sport of Colonialism is dead! Long live Colonialism!

Now if you’ll excuse us, friends, we’re going to learn how to play rugby while practicing our favorite sport: Drinking.

*This did not happen.

Life, Death and Violence: A Study of February 21

19 comments

Have you got a case of the Mondays, little birds? So early? Well, pour yourself a cup of coffee, pull up a chair, play that sad, sad tune and get ready for your favorite dose of bad comedy and poorly researched history: Life, Death and Violence! We feel really good today, because there are no thirteen year olds with Wikipedia pages today. In fact, everyone that was born and has a Wikipedia page is older than us! So we only have to feel like we’re complete failures when compared to people who are 22 or older. That’s right. Those people are 22. When we’re 22, we’ll have a Wikipedia page. This is what we tell ourselves even though we turn 22 one month from today exactly (mark your calendars!). Honestly, we don’t know why we don’t already when we’ve appeared in four seconds of television over the span of two episodes of a C-List MTV show. I mean, come on. Well, let’s get to it. We’ve got our press coffee and probably didn’t read Jailbird in time for the book club yesterday. By the way, there are 313 days left in the year. MiNombreEsChris and Splendorinda, PUT YO HANDS UP FOR DETROIT! The 3-1-3. The D. The Dirty!

Detroit Rock City, yo. Take that Bushwick.

LIFE! (None of these people are from the new Brooklyn)

  • 1728: Peter the III: He was emperor of Russia until he was assassinated on the orders of his wife Catherine (who would become Catherine the Great and one of the world’s greatest art collectors). He was also the heir to the Swedish throne, but turned it down to lead Russia instead (easy access to booze is always an incentive to a minor becoming a monarch).
  • He also has the distinction of being named the King of Finland for a short while and not being told so (our parents never told us anything at 14, either, so don’t feel bad about that Peter). He was a drunken, pro-Prussian idiot with smallpox that made him way ugly, too, so it’s no wonder his wife had him offed so that she could become the most celebrated Tsarina in all of Russia and amass a legendary art collection. Thems the breaks, Petey! Better luck next time! Okay, okay, we’re being mean. He wasn’t all bad. He abolished the Secret Police and proclaimed religious freedom, something that was revolutionary at the time and that not even those liberal pansies in Western Europe did.

1860: Sir William Goscombe John: What a name! This Welsh sculptor who worked in the gothic style (or, more correctly, the neo-gothic style) spent his youth restoring castles with his dad, which is awesome.

He made a lot of statues for a lot of people, notably John Cory and his wife and was granted a correspondence membership to the French Institute, a Prominent French Place for Prominent French People that sometimes lets Prominent Outsiders into their Prominent French Place so that everyone can feel Prominent and Important because they are, to steal a line from NYMag, The Most Important People in the World.

William Goscombe John is one of these Important People because of the French Institute and he better not forget it!

You hear that, Bill? Don’t forget it or the French will cut you. They. Will. Cut you.

  • 1927: Count Hubert James Marcel Taffin de Givenchy: One of the most famed couturiers of the Twentieth Century, Givenchy was responsible for the majority of Audrey Hepburn’s wardrobe and what a name! Sorry Will Jahcombover, you’ve been topped. Anyways, his daddy was the Marquis de Givenchy and he named his label Givenchy and his brother became in charge of the family perfume business which was eventually sold to Veuve Cliquot before moving over to Louis Vuitton Moet Hennesy (LVMH) to be with the womenswear line.
  • He idolized Cristobal Balenciaga (who of us doesn’t?) and had a slew of celebrity clients including Jackie O.,  Grace Kelly and the Guinness Girls (the 60s ones. Not Daphne) before finally retiring in 1995. His selection for who would succeed him was rejected by LVMH in favor of the more well known John Galliano. Today the label is run by Ricardo Tisci who we think does a good job.
  • He never married.

  • 1989: Corbin Bleu: The High School Musical star and lovechild of Corbin Fisher and Randy Blue’s French cousin (Justin Guarini was the surrogate) turns 22 today. Happy Birthday!

DEATH! (But what do I wear to a funeral in the new Brooklyn?)

Let’s ask Goofus and Gallant.

Gallant: Aubrey is dressed properly for a funeral. Solemn, but seductive in case she meets an attractive bachelor at the service.

Goofus: Tuck in that shirt, young man! And straighten that tie! It’s a funeral, not a frat party.

1513: Pope Julius II: Pope Julius II was the coolest pope ever. Why? He funded Michelangelo and you people all now how we feel about Michelangelo! He’s the guy who commissioned our good friend Mikey B to build a massive mausoleum smack dab in the middle of St. Peters. Too bad The Warrior Pope ended up with a bedbug filled walk-up in Sunset Park instead of movin on up, to the east side, and that dee-luxe apartment in the sky.

He had his iconic, rockin beard for less than a year. He grew it in mourning for the loss of the city of Bologna to outside forces under General Oscar Mayer, breaking the rules of canon law. You know what? Pope Julius II don’t care. Why? Because Pope Julius II is the honey badger who ever did pape the papacy. That’s why he’s also called “The Fearless Pope.”

The Vatican thought “The Honey Badger Pope” sounded too cool and that people would start worshiping the honey badger because honey badger don’t give a shit. Honey badger don’t care if he’s Divinity. He’s too busy passing out from cobra venom, but look, he’s gotten right back up. Honey badger.

1965: Malcolm X: The original spokesman for Ray-Ban® Clubmaster™ was assassinated in New York.

1974: Tim Horton: We’re at a loss for words, dear friends. This wasn’t just a man. This wasn’t just a hockey player. This was the man who created Tim Horton’s Coffee and Donut. We owe such a debt to this man. We wouldn’t have functioned in high school if it weren’t for the combination Wendy’s/Tim Horton’s across the street. We even went as a Canadian robot one year for Halloween. Its name? Tim-Bot 3000. Yeah, we named him after TimBits. We’re going to go get an iced capp right now in his honor and we think you all should too, assuming of course, you’re near a Tim Horton’s. We know that LeZig is because she’s in Toronto, that most Canadian of all Canadian cities. We bet there’s even two that are across the street from each other like there used to be for Starbucks in New York until The Dark Times. You be safe up there Timmy Ho! We’re pourin a little coffee on the ground in your honor. Don’t worry, we’re doin’ it over a sewer so as not to cause a mess, eh. Wouldn’t want to not be polite. Peace, Timmy. Peace. You’re a golden man and we’ll love you forever.

VIOLENCE! (You think Bed-Stuy is dangerous. Honey, get to Crack Mile)

  • 1952: Students in East Pakistan were shot while protesting for the establishment of Bengali as the national language. Bengali became the national language, but we ask ourselves, was it worth dying for? We’re not sure, but we live in a country without a national language.
  • 1953: Gerald Holtom designs the peace sign for the Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament. Peace out, bros!


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OTHER NEAT THINGS THAT HAPPENED TODAY (Besides, of course, our declaration that Detroit is the new Brooklyn)

  • 1848: Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels publish the Communist Manifesto, thus screwing up the world for the rest of eternity because people can’t separate Communism from Leninism or Maoism, let alone Socialism
  • 1878: The first phone book is published, thus killing trees for the next 133 years.

  • 1918: The last Carolina Parakeet died in the Cincinnati Zoo. Pretty sad. They’re really colorful and pretty, but now they’re extinct.

  • 1925: The New Yorker publishes their first issue and begins tickling our funny bone with their cartoons.
  • 1947: Polaroid introduces the first instant camera paving way for New Age Fun with a Vintage Feel from the good folks at Hipstamatic™ or, if you have a Droid, Retro Camera.
  • 1948: VROOOOOOOOOOOOooooomommmmmmmmm. NASCAR starts.
  • 1975: The Watergate guys are sentenced
  • 1995: Steve Fossett lands in Saskatchewan after crossing the Pacific Ocean. In a hot air balloon. This guy is the honey badger of people and we here at Life, Death and Violence, your #1 source for poorly thought out research have actually procured the only known photograph of Mr. Fossett during his crossing of the Pacific.

Until next time, friends! Here’s a little happy to get you outta those ruddy, Monday blues.

 

Life, Death and Violence: A Study of February 18

40 comments

It’s Freaky Friday here on your favorite column about the past: Life, Death and Violence! What makes Freaky Friday different from any other day? It’s freaky! Like Jamie Lee Curtis and Lindsay Lohan switching bodies or Jimmy Johns’ delivery service, history just went insane today. Like, L. Ron Hubbard insane, so TGIF and let’s get through this together, step by step.*

LIFE! (Good idea: Anti-folk. Bad idea: Breaking up The Beatles)

  • 1516: Queen Mary I of England: You’d think that as Catholics we’d be super into Mary since she reinstated Catholicism after the hedonistic, Protestant rein of Henry VIII. You’d be wrong. Why? Because.
  • 1848: Louis Comfort Tiffany: Celebrities! They’re just like yesterday’s celebrities! What with the giving their kids weird names. At least the guy who founded Tiffany and Co. had the good sense to give his child an embarrassing middle name as opposed to a first name where everyone can see it and all. Lou was into glass blowing as opposed to silver, like his daddy, and, like any great artist from money, he spent a few years in Brooklyn honing his craft and drinking craft beer. He’s noted for redecorating the White House while not in the Important Political Role that is first ladydom. Glass! This is our favorite kind of glass:

We’re pretty sure Tiffany’s was involved in the creation of this rare type of glass.

  • 1906: Hans Asperger: FUCK YOU BITCH. YOU’RE A FUCKING CHILD. I’m sorry, that was my asperger’s.** WHORE
  • 1933: Yoko Ono***: The noted visionary, performance artist, destroyer of bands and media personality turns 78 today. Scream for Yoko! Scream for life! Scream for freedom! Scream for the future! Scream for Bungalow Bill! Just Scream! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Yoko Loves You. We Love You Back Yoko and We’ve Written You a Haiku

Japanese Lady
Screaming Like a Wild Banshee
Babies Are Children

Yoko, Ann Liv Young has something to say to you****


 

  • 1968: Molly Ringwald: She’s no Yoko, but the 80s teen dream stole our hearts and made us feel good about being a ginger. Funny lady!
  • 1980: Regina Spektor: Regina, we need to talk. We love you. Soviet Kitsch is one of our favorite albums, but you’ve been shafted, girl. It’s Yoko’s day. We’re sorry. It’s not you. It’s us.


 

DEATH! (Yoko didn’t die today, so she can’t hog death, too. Sorry Yoko!)

Sorry Martin Luther and Kublai Khan! Someone else died today and we need to share some stories. There’s a joke we like to tell people that gets the occasional laugh: We’re sorry that we’re having such trouble with this piece x, but, you know, we’re young, tortured gay artists with ADD, you know, just like:

  • 1564: Michelangelo: Michelangelo Buonarotti is, hands down, our favorite artist in the entirety of art history, and it’s not just because of his work which is beyond spectacular. The sculptor (and don’t you dare call him a painter. He signed the Sistine Chapel “Michelangelo, Sculptor”) was the driving force behind the Italian Renaissance and, as he got older, Italian Mannerism. We really encourage everyone to read as much as they can about Michelangelo, but we’d like to share a story about a man, his mother, and a leg.

Everyone knows Michelangelo’s Pieta. A serene sculpture housed in St. Peter’s Basilica, reluctantly signed only because it was being attributed to other artists.  A critic of the day declared it a travesty, his main point that Mary looked far too young to be the mother of a thirty-three year old man. She looked to be in her twenties, he said. Michelangelo’s response? Virgins don’t age.

However, Michelangelo constructed a second Pieta that is far less known and, like many of his works (actually, all of his works with the exception of the Roman Pieta), is unfinished (yes, David and Moses are unfinished. We’ll get to that. Hold tight). This Pieta is a little unconventional as it is agreed upon by the art community to be a Pieta, but the composition is more similar to the Descent From the Cross. It is therefore occasionally referred to as The Deposition

Please take a second to think about what is wrong with this sculpture. Go on, we can wait. We’re just going to listen to a little Yoko while you do so.


 

Ready? Good. If you answered, Jesus is missing a leg, you’re correct, but before we get to why Jesus is missing a leg, it’s noteworthy to point out that the figure of Nicodemus (possibly Joseph of Arimathea) is widely thought to be a self-portrait. Michelangelo has inserted himself into the scene as the man who would prepare Jesus for burial. We think that reeks of egoism, but we’re pretty egotistical ourselves so it just gives us another reason to compare ourselves to Michelangelo despite zero sculpting ability.

Anyways, why is Jesus missing a leg? If you notice, it seems that the leg was draped over Mary’s thigh (his mother; Mary Magdalene is to his right (viewer’s left) and was sculpted by Tiberio Calcagni, not Michelangelo). Back in the 16th century, this particular position was considered heavily erotic and quite salacious. Upon recognizing that this is what he sculpted, Michelangelo started smashing the work, believing it to be evidence of potential incestuous lust for his own mother until he was held back by his assistants. They were able to mostly fix it, but not the leg. Michelangelo, even after his violent outburst, continued to labor over it until he discovered an impurity in the marble that had gone unnoticed. He gave the work to his servant who then sold it to a man who had it finished by Calcagni. Michelangelo worked on this piece for eight years.

As we had mentioned earlier, David was left incomplete by Michelangelo (it was later finished by some terrible curator whose name we forget). Michelangelo purchased the marble for David from another sculptor who had started work on a piece, but then decided he didn’t want to finish it. Michelangelo left a spot on the top of David’s head unfinished to honor that sculptor, until, as we mentioned, a curator noticed the rough patch and decided to finish it for Michelangelo.

Moses the sculpture is complete, but it’s part of a much larger mausoleum that was meant to sit in the center of St. Peter’s. Therefore, the artistic community considers it an unfinished work. It is currently housed at San Pietro in Vincoli where it is placed at the entirely wrong perspective. Both David and Moses are meant to be placed on high so that their grandeur can be felt. When placed on the ground, they look disproportionate and long.

VIOLENCE! (Good idea: Making love. Bad idea: Making War)

  • 1846: Sic Semper Tyrannis! Peasants killed a lot of people in Poland while protesting serfdom. Serfdom was abolished two years later. See, Poland? Egypt does it peacefully and gets what they want in three weeks. Violence is not the answer! Make love, not war! Look at Joseph*****! In your fields! Calling for peace! Make love with him, not war!

  • 1878: SHOOT EM UP! ZING! BANG! POW! John Tunstall was murdered by Jessie Evans sparking the Lincoln County Wars in New Mexico. Jessie Evans disappeared two years later.
  • 1983: Once again, we have a wackily named massacre. Today! The Wah Mee Who Me? Massacre in Seattle. Thirteen people died and one guy got seriously injured (but was able to testify in the high-profile trial) by three guys wanting to rob an illegal casino in Chinatown. SHOOT EM UP! BANG! POW! CLINK! CLANK! DUN DUN! PRISON!
  • 1991: The IRA bombed Paddington Station and Victoria Station in London. Our favorite glass was not pleased.

OTHER NEAT THINGS THAT HAPPENED! (Good idea: Fighting Nazis. Bad Idea: Praising Xenu)

  • 1861: Italy unifies and some guy named Victor declares himself King! No documents remain regarding his position on bunga bunga.
  • 1943: The Gestapo begins arrests on members of the White Rose Movement, a group of non-violent/intellectual students who opposed The Third Reich. They were executed some time later and are now regarded as heroes of the Nazi Resistance.
  • 1954: The first Church of Scientology opens in LA, begins their quest in recruiting fabulous celebrities in order to further their cause of letting the world know about Xenu and aliens and volcanoes and whatever it is that those crazies believe in.
  • 1972: California repeals the death penalty!
  • 1972: California reinstates the death penalty months later when putting it to the voters! California, repealing bad things and putting them back in place so as to maintain the status quo since (at least) 1972.

It’s been a fun week, cats, kittens and honey badgers! We’ll see you on Monday, and remember: YOKO! YOKO! YOKO! YOKO! Four for you Glen Yoko! You go Glen Yoko!

*We once had a dream where we were on a bridge with the cast of Step By Step and then we met a witch and the witch turned everyone in the cast to wax one by one. It was really scary. We were, like, seven and had accidentally slept on the Jafar side of our pillowcase instead of the Aladdin side which was totally the good dream side. CURSE YOU JAFAR!

**We do not have Asperger’s and as SixThirty noted, that was actually Tourette’s. This is why we don’t study psychology.

***WE LOVE YOU YOKO

****We were at that taping of Ann Liv Young’s Mermaid show and it was wild. That was the fifth time that they had to start over for the scene due to technical hiccups with the sound and the sheer animalistic tension and anger emanating from Ann Liv (performing as Sherry) was just exquisite. We were stunned, but we may just have a disaster fetish. She yelled at Claudia Larocco of the NYTimes for whispering to a friend during a break. It was phenomenal. A week later, she hit our friend in the head at the Party That Dare Not Speak Its Name with a ceramic necklace that was meant for Penny Arcade.

*****LaZiguezon: Hop on the JGL Bandwagon

Authors Note: I’m going to separate myself from the editorial ‘we’ here. I’d just like to thank everyone who’s read this feature in its inaugural week, especially those of you who have been so effusive in your praise for it. I wasn’t really over at Crosstalk because I never felt witty enough to be there (I was starred, but only because of a contest) and so it’s really great to be here with all these funny people, being able to write something that people seem to like. You’re all super and I’m really glad I was introduced to this amazing community. See you Monday. I refuse to put this much effort in seven days a week. xox

This Post is Hazardous to your Health: A Review

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This is going to be a horribly unpopular post, and I don’t care.  You know why I don’t care?  Because I’m a smoker.  And, from what I hear, all the time, regularly, ad nauseum, by virtue of my being a smoker, I don’t care about myself or anyone else.  So, that’s cool.  Easier for me.

On to the reviews/memoir.

These were the first cigarettes I smoked.  Because that’s what she smoked.

(Surprise, surprise.  Yes, I started smoking because of a girl.)

The original blend was really nice.  It was a really light cigarette, but with a nice leafy flavor.

Dry without tasting burnt.

Then Winston went “additive-free,” and they started to taste like urine.  Figure that one out.

Marlboro Lights.  They made me feel nauseous.  I didn’t smoke them for very long.

The taste was good, but seriously they were like smoking MSG.

Totally decent cigarette.  The Budweiser of Cigarettes.  Nothing fancy, but inoffensive.

I went through this phase briefly before I found…

Now this was my brand.  The King of Smokes.  They say they’re toasted.  I believe it.  The perfect golden leaf.  Flavorful, nice smell, full-bodied, really tobacco-ey.  No additive after-taste.

I picked a picture with non-U.S. packaging for a reason.  They don’t sell them in the U.S. anymore.  Bastards.

Oh, yeah, I went through this phase too.  I’m not proud.  I was in my mid-20’s and living in New York.  I thought it was some kind of City Regulation that I had to smoke them.

They actually aren’t bad.

The flavor is a little thin, but the little air pocket at the end of the filter is pretty cool.

I’ve also tried plenty of others along the way.  Menthol I just don’t get.  Why cover up the tobacco?  Reds and Non-filtered Luckies?  Good, but I tend to need my voice the next day.

Nat Shermans and assorted French and Canadian cigarettes?  Yummy, but I just feel too much like a prick when I smoke them.  (And smoking makes me feel enough like a prick by itself.)

I do love, however, the way Canadian cigarettes pack 25 shorties instead of 20 longer ones.

That’s genius.  Because really I rarely want a full cigarette.

Well, I guess it’s genius for me, but probably not for the cigarette companies, because I would have to buy new cigarettes less often.

Here is where I am now.  It’s a damned fine cigarette.  The taxes in New York make all cigarettes so expensive that they aren’t any more expensive than any of the ones above anymore.

They last longer, really full flavor.  No additives.  They pack them so tight that you have to loosen the tobacco for an even burn instead of tamping the box to pack the leaf like with other smokes.

So that’s the history of my slow march to lung disease.  I hope you enjoyed it as much as I have.  Although, from what I hear, you probably haven’t.