Some wimp in Knowlton Township, NJ is suing the makers of Four Loko because he claims to now have heart arrhythmia after drinking a mere 2.5 cans of the magical elixir. It is a well known fact that Four Loko can induce visions of Leprechauns, but only a nincompoop would drink 2.5 cans without getting a complete physical first. Light weight. Try to explain to the boys down at the tire shop why you’re suing instead of manning up and having another one.
From SF Gate.
In the early days, Crasstalk was a backwater with few visits but so many great things to share. To help bring some of those early posts to light we present Crasstalk Classic. Our second classic post goes all the way back to November 2010 when Botswana Meat Commission FC decided to test the limits of human endurance by drinking as much Four Loko as possible. Now go relive the magic.
IT’S ON! I picked up three cans of 4LOKO on the way home from work today, making me the first employed person to ever actually buy this product.
Which flavors, you ask? Good question! The first one is obviously lemon lime. It says so on the ENORMOUS can, plus it’s yellow and green, the ISO-certified universal colors for that flavor combination. I also picked up fruit punch flavor (RED!) as well as the purple variety, which sources tell me is called Purple Drank flavor. Fun times.
So I’m now going to try to drink at least two of these as fast as possible so that I can liveblog my own death. Haha, no, I’m fairly sure that I will die young, but it will NOT be at the hand of 4LOKO. I got this. I’m not an amateur kids. I’m a professional drinker. I may not actually get drunk very often anymore, but I’m feeling VERY good about my liver’s ability to take on this challenge. Not only can I generally hold my alcohol, but I am a voracious consumer of energy drinks. So I guess I fit right into 4LOKO’s high school parking lot demo!
UPDATE: Just cracked open the lemon-lime 4LOKO and took as big a chug as I could. You feel the energy rush instantly. Feeling all tingley and happy right now. Kids, if you want to feel good, drink LOTS of 4LOKO. Don’t worry if your parents don’t want you to… it will make you feel good. Hang out by the dumpsters behind the Quik-Trip and have an older member of your community buy it for you.
Stay tuned for more updates.
8:01
My head feels fuzzy, like a tight sheet of cloth draped over a wire frame that is blowing in the wind. It’s not unpleasant. The caffeine hasn’t really hit me yet. Don’t feel twitchy at all. The can is about 3/4 done already.
8:08
The can is almost gone.
My goatee looks fucking HUGE in that picture. I look like a fucking Civil War General! I love this because in reality my shit grows in all patchy and whatnot.
I honestly feel like I could invade Shiloh right now. The Civil War would have been over in a week TOPS if the Union had this shit back then
8:14
The first can is kicked. I’m watching “Weeds” and thinking about how awesome of a Civil War general I would be. This is pretty much the pinnacle of human existence.
8:20
Started on the Purple Drank. (R.I.P. Pimp C)
It is officially called “LOKO UVA” flavor. I have no idea what that means but it must be high-tech and good. The actual taste of Purple Loko Drank is interesting. It’s slightly bitter, with a hint of sweet berry goodness and a frisson of alcoholic burn. Complex nose, delightful full body ripples across the tongue. It’s no wonder Robert Parker’s gardener gave this his top rating of 5.0 one night after stabbing a carnival worker.
8:33
I’m watching “Johnny Dangerously” starring Michael Keaton and Joe Piscopo. This is making me want to stag a leprechaun in the dickhole. This movie is AWFUL. What the fuck were people thinking back in 1984. Their 20s nostalgia sucked balls. I DEMAND SCORCESE.
8:42
I finally broke the seal. These cans come in only one official size: FUCKING GINORMOUS. It is like trying to drink a punch bowl. I’m amazed I even made it through a can and a half before having to whizz. Also, the caffeine is starting to take its toll on my stomach. I feel like Manny Pacquiao just punched me in the gut. I’m slightly short of breath and feeling a sharp pain in my stomach. Despite that, I’m feeling pretty good. The euphoria of the alcohol and caffeine is still coursing through my brain. It’s fairly lovely actually.
9:06
Just took my second piss of the night. Bladder was about to EXPLODE from all the carbonation of these coddamn drinks. Now I’m watching “I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell” and feeling like anyone involved with this piece of shit should be killed in brutal car accident.
9:14
I’m pretty much done with the second can of 4LOKO. I’m still standing and, while buzzed, I feel like I can still keep up a decent conversation. Also, Tucker Max is history greatest monster.
9:34
Two cans down! I just started on the third can (fruit punch). All is well. The stomach pains went away and now I just feel really drunk. The fruit punch drank has a nice flavor. Not bitter, not too sweet. I feel pleasantly buzzed and euphoric. Really, this is quite nice.
9:50
I am ridciously drunk at this point. Any pretense of sobriety is lost. I am FUCKED UP. Like, I am fairly sure ther are leprechauns dancing around my living room right now. FUCK THE FUCKING LEPRECHAUNS. Leave me alone you green skinned bastards!
9:55
Ridcousl! Ha! Being retardedly drunk is actually pretty fun. Right now when I look at the ceiling I see a fucking Santana concert happening. That may or may not be good.
10:15
At this point I’m straught up hammered and am having a tough time tpin actual shit. Fp real Om fucked up and thsi 4LOKO shit is for real..
10:56
Ok, so I already prayed to the porcelain god. I couldn’t help it. My stomach just straight up rebelled. Whoa, this stuff is REALLY hard on the ol’ stomach.
11:16
Ok, at this point I already prayed to the porcelain god. Got sick, booted, straight up yakked in the toilet. Yep, I got sick. Franklyt, I’m pretty sure it was just the caffeine that got to me. But HOLY SHIT this 4LOKO stuff is for real. I feel like Charlie Sheen.
11:45
Many of you have submitted this piece of evidence that leprechauns really do exist.
12:51
I am incredibly drunk at this point. I’ll admit, I couldn’t even finish the third full can of 4Loko. I am still alive though.
Image via Flickr.
So maybe you have a new morning workout routine. Great! Except it’s hard as fuck to get motivated to exert energy first thing in the morning. That’s where your workout music comes in.
I make no bones about loving club music. I know most people consider it vapid and cheesy. And, well, it is. Most of it is made by the absolute worst sorts of trashy perverts.
None of that matters. All that matters is that it makes you want to (in the immortal words of Big Daddy Drew) run through a brick wall.
So on that tip, here’s some music for your next workout. For each track below, I’ll list the artist (or “artist”), title of the song and the superpower that each particular song will give you.
“Get Down” by Groove Armada
This song is makes you feel like you can now: Proclaim yourself King/Queen of All Bunnies.
“Superdelight” by Heikki L
This song is makes you feel like you can now: Punch a giraffe in the nose.
“Bodymotion” by Way Out West
This song is makes you feel like you can now: Slide across a frozen lake with rockets tied to your shoes.
“Return to Life” by Adam Rickfors
This song is makes you feel like you can now: Die and then come back to Earth as Patrick Swayze so that you can make pottery with that funny-nose girl.
“Unleash My Love” by John de Sohn and Nick Wall ft Christina Skaar
This song is makes you feel like you can now: Use electric eels as weapons.
“Dancing On My Own” (Fred Falke Remix) by Robyn
This song is makes you feel like you can now: Burn people with your laser vision.
“Feel the Hard Rock” (Heiko and Maiko electro mix) by Hardrox
This song is makes you feel like you can now: Use actual ROFLcopters to kill leprechauns.
“Alive” by Mondotek
This song is makes you feel like you can now: Drink 18 cans of 4LOKO without making a fool of yourself.
“Push Up” by Freestylers
This song is makes you feel like you can now: Do those pushups that only insane Marine drill sergeants can do, where you clap in between each pushup.
“My, My, My” by Armand Van Helden
This song is makes you feel like you can now: Throw sharks at the bad people.
“What I Want” by Bob Sinclar Ft. Fireball
This song is makes you feel like you can now: Win a staring contest against Clint Eastwood.
4LOKO tried, but was ultimately unsuccessful at killing me. I woke up at about 10 a.m. feeling a slight hangover but nothing exceptional.
So I ended up drinking almost three full cans of the stuff. To be honest, banning this drink is pretty ridiculous. I honestly don’t think it’s really any more dangerous than any other booze product. The caffeine makes for an extremely pleasant buzzed feeling at first, but eventually it wears off. 4LOKO won’t keep you up all night. After all, alcohol is a depressant and once all that caffeine and sugar metabolizes, your entire system crashes exactly like it would with just plain ol’ booze.
I ended up passing out on the couch at like 2 a.m. or so, then woke up at 4, chugged a glass of water and went to bed. Pretty much no different than what would have happened if I were putting back a bunch of beers.
In fact, I will go so far as to say that if 4LOKO actually came in smaller cans, it would be a very nice way to start a night out. If you only drink say, half a can, the caffeine won’t wreak havoc on your stomach and the buzz is really very pleasant.
Technology is wondrous. It allows us to make animated kitten gifs in mere minutes. It allows us to experience the raw brutal pleasure of German pornography. It allows us to steal music with a level of efficiency not matched since the time your town’s high school dropout kid plowed his El Camino through the front doors of Best Buy at 3 in the morning.
One thing it seems to really suck at, though, is determining the romantic compatibility of two human beings. In that respect, technology is nearly as bad as actual human beings.
Today, for shits and giggles, I decided to to do a “reverse match” search on Match.com of people who say they’re looking for someone like me. Match immediately tried to flatter me with sheer quantity. 1,622 results! I’m more desired than Jon Hamm wrapped in cupcake icing and bacon!
Once that immediate hit of ego-satisfying euphoria wore off, however, I took a closer look.
Here’s the entire profile of my third result:
About my life and what I’m looking for
im 5ft even redbone thick wit it 4tatts 2 gold teeth spotaneous outgoing silly at times good sense of humor easy to get along wit but just dnt rub me the wrong way then you will see that pisces side of me
I want to laugh at this awful dating profile, but I can’t! According to Match’s super high-tech algorithm, we should be a perfect match. This says more about me than her. I guess at this point the only question left to ask is….
What flavor of 4Loko should I bring on our first date? Is “purple” too fancy?