Technology is wondrous. It allows us to make animated kitten gifs in mere minutes. It allows us to experience the raw brutal pleasure of German pornography. It allows us to steal music with a level of efficiency not matched since the time your town’s high school dropout kid plowed his El Camino through the front doors of Best Buy at 3 in the morning.
One thing it seems to really suck at, though, is determining the romantic compatibility of two human beings. In that respect, technology is nearly as bad as actual human beings.
Today, for shits and giggles, I decided to to do a “reverse match” search on Match.com of people who say they’re looking for someone like me. Match immediately tried to flatter me with sheer quantity. 1,622 results! I’m more desired than Jon Hamm wrapped in cupcake icing and bacon!
Once that immediate hit of ego-satisfying euphoria wore off, however, I took a closer look.
Here’s the entire profile of my third result:
About my life and what I’m looking for
im 5ft even redbone thick wit it 4tatts 2 gold teeth spotaneous outgoing silly at times good sense of humor easy to get along wit but just dnt rub me the wrong way then you will see that pisces side of me
I want to laugh at this awful dating profile, but I can’t! According to Match’s super high-tech algorithm, we should be a perfect match. This says more about me than her. I guess at this point the only question left to ask is….
What flavor of 4Loko should I bring on our first date? Is “purple” too fancy?