fourloko – Crasstalk

4Loko kills — 4Loko Claims Another Victim

In the early days, Crasstalk was a backwater with few visits but so many great things to share. To help bring some of those early posts to light we present Crasstalk Classic. Our second classic post goes all the way back to November 2010 when Botswana Meat Commission FC decided to test the limits of human endurance by drinking as much Four Loko as possible. Now go relive the magic.

IT’S ON! I picked up three cans of 4LOKO on the way home from work today, making me the first employed person to ever actually buy this product.

Which flavors, you ask? Good question! The first one is obviously lemon lime. It says so on the ENORMOUS can, plus it’s yellow and green, the ISO-certified universal colors for that flavor combination. I also picked up fruit punch flavor (RED!) as well as the purple variety, which sources tell me is called Purple Drank flavor. Fun times.

So I’m now going to try to drink at least two of these as fast as possible so that I can liveblog my own death. Haha, no, I’m fairly sure that I will die young, but it will NOT be at the hand of 4LOKO. I got this. I’m not an amateur kids. I’m a professional drinker. I may not actually get drunk very often anymore, but I’m feeling VERY good about my liver’s ability to take on this challenge. Not only can I generally hold my alcohol, but I am a voracious consumer of energy drinks. So I guess I fit right into 4LOKO’s high school parking lot demo!

UPDATE: Just cracked open the lemon-lime 4LOKO and took as big a chug as I could. You feel the energy rush instantly. Feeling all tingley and happy right now. Kids, if you want to feel good, drink LOTS of 4LOKO. Don’t worry if your parents don’t want you to… it will make you feel good. Hang out by the dumpsters behind the Quik-Trip and have an older member of your community buy it for you.

Stay tuned for more updates.

8:01
My head feels fuzzy, like a tight sheet of cloth draped over a wire frame that is blowing in the wind. It’s not unpleasant. The caffeine hasn’t really hit me yet. Don’t feel twitchy at all. The can is about 3/4 done already.

8:08
The can is almost gone.

My goatee looks fucking HUGE in that picture. I look like a fucking Civil War General! I love this because in reality my shit grows in all patchy and whatnot.

I honestly feel like I could invade Shiloh right now. The Civil War would have been over in a week TOPS if the Union had this shit back then

8:14
The first can is kicked. I’m watching “Weeds” and thinking about how awesome of a Civil War general I would be. This is pretty much the pinnacle of human existence.

8:20
Started on the Purple Drank. (R.I.P. Pimp C)

It is officially called “LOKO UVA” flavor. I have no idea what that means but it must be high-tech and good. The actual taste of Purple Loko Drank is interesting. It’s slightly bitter, with a hint of sweet berry goodness and a frisson of alcoholic burn. Complex nose, delightful full body ripples across the tongue. It’s no wonder Robert Parker’s gardener gave this his top rating of 5.0 one night after stabbing a carnival worker.

2010-11-19 20.40.29_Atlanta_Georgia_US — O RLY?

8:33
I’m watching “Johnny Dangerously” starring Michael Keaton and Joe Piscopo. This is making me want to stag a leprechaun in the dickhole. This movie is AWFUL. What the fuck were people thinking back in 1984. Their 20s nostalgia sucked balls. I DEMAND SCORCESE.

8:42
I finally broke the seal. These cans come in only one official size: FUCKING GINORMOUS. It is like trying to drink a punch bowl. I’m amazed I even made it through a can and a half before having to whizz. Also, the caffeine is starting to take its toll on my stomach. I feel like Manny Pacquiao just punched me in the gut. I’m slightly short of breath and feeling a sharp pain in my stomach. Despite that, I’m feeling pretty good. The euphoria of the alcohol and caffeine is still coursing through my brain. It’s fairly lovely actually.