Sports

246 posts

Il Fenomeno Retires

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Ronaldo (not the pretty-boy Portuguese one, the gap-toothed Brazilian one) retired yesterday. He was nicknamed Il Fenomeno because, well, he was one of the most hyped and anticipated young players the world had ever seen when he first came on the scene. He ended his career in somewhat Favre-esque levels of public shame but nevertheless should be remembered as one of perhaps the ten greatest footballers to ever play the sport.

The first time I really started hearing about Ronaldo was back in 97 and early 98, during the run-up to the 98 World Cup in France. He had just spent his first great season at Inter Milan and the 98 Cup was his massive international breakout.

I remember first seeing this Nike ad on TV in the U.S. and being absolutely blown away that they would put a soccer commercial on the air.

I just watched this video for the first time in years and was surprised that it featured so many of Ronaldo’s teammates because in my mind, this was the Ronaldo commercial. It didn’t hurt Nike that Ronaldo had an excellent cup run (despite a poor final showing against France) and ended his career as the all-time top goal scorer in World Cup history.

So over the next ten years, Ronaldo would go on to star at Inter Milan and then Real Madrid. What made him so dangerous is that he combined the excellent dribblling and passing skills of a playmaking midfielder with the killer instinct of a striker.

Here’s a 15 minute video of dribbling highlights:

Here are gobs of great Ronaldo finishes:

Here’s the thing, though. Ronaldo, much like Elvis, went through a sort of crazy period late in his career. A few seasons ago, back playing in Brazil for Corinthians, the media started noticing the Fat Ronaldo.

Now, this physique might not be an issue for baseball or football fans, but soccer players are expected to run a few miles at full speed in every match. And when Ronaldo didn’t score a goall, his weight became an easy scapegoat for the absolutely brutal soccer media. (Yesterday he mentioned a thyroid condition as one of the causes of his retirement.)

Then three years ago he was extorted by three tranny prositutes he met in a Rio nightclub. You know, typical stuff!

Oh, and back in December, after a paternity test revealed that he had a fourth kid after he knocked up a waitress, he publicly announced his vasectomy and said he’s “closing the baby factory.”

OK, so he may have had a bit of a bumpy road there in the past few years, and he had to suffer the indigignity of having his name appropriated by the thoroughly unlikeable Cristiano Ronaldo. But despite all that, no one can take away Ronaldo’s 15 World Cup Goals, two World Cup trophies, dozens of major league championships and three Fifa World Player of the Year Awards. And most of all… that goofy gap-toothed smile.

The Cinderella Story

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The crowd had gone deadly silent, a Cinderella story outta nowhere. Paired with former SNL star and now about to become the masters champion.

Shooting a 67 is pretty damned cool.  Not many people can do it (at least not without cribbing on the scorecard).

Shooting a 67 on Pebble Beach, one of the finest golf courses in the world, is incredible.  Not many pros can do it.

Shooting a 67 on Pebble Beach in a PGA Tour match is a once-in-a-lifetime happening for anyone not named Jack Nicklaus or Tiger Woods.

Winning a PGA Tour match at Pebble Beach by shooting a 67 is something many a duffer can only dream of doing.

Which is why the most incredible thing that happened this weekend was when D.A.Points, ranked 161 in the PGA standings, won a PGA Tour match at Pebble Beach after shooting 67.  And his partner…

Bill Murray.

Talk about your Cinderella stories outta nowhere.  It’s the sort of thing that never approaches the realm of reality.  Every golfer knows Caddyshack backwards and forwards.  In fact, most Americans know Caddyshack backwards and forwards.

There are the all-time great sports movies: The Natural, Hoosiers, The Pride Of The Yankees.  And there are the all-time great comedies.  Caddyshack straddles both categories (in spite of being horribly dated).

I’m willing to bet that right now, D.A. Points is happier having played a round of golf with the iconic Carl Spackler (“We’ve got a pool and a pond; pond’s good for you) than he is with the win.

And what does Bill Murray get out of the deal?  Asked for comment, he responded by quoting the Dalai Lama as saying “Gunga galunga… gunga, gunga-lagunga.”  Murray explained that there won’t be any money, but when he dies, on his deathbed, he will receive total consciousness.

So Murray’s got that goin’ for him, which is nice.

Gawkward: We Like Sportz Edition

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Gawkward is Crasstalk’s regular feature where we point out the most insane bullshit that gets posted to Gawker.

Today’s Gawkward is actually from Gawker’s fratty younger brother, Deadspin. Here’s the backstory:

1. On Monday Night Football, the Arizona Cardinals continued their season of general suckery by getting smoked by the fairly-sucky-themselves San Francisco 49ers.

2. During the fourth quarter of that game, long after the Cardinals’ general suckery had become obvious and the game was no longer in question, Cardinals QB Derek “Moose Balls” Anderson was briefly caught sitting on the bench cracking a smile after a teammate said something to him. No, he was not caught sucking a clown’s dick. He was not caught buying jenkem from a Malaysian tranny-boy. He was not caught murdering kittens with a blow torch. He was caught smiling.

3. After the game, some enterprising cockhole of a reporter blind-sided Moose Balls with a gotcha question about “the smile.” Moose Balls, understandably,  did not take it well when some Dockers-wearing asshole questioned his competitive drive. Moose Balls stomped out.

4. The aforementioned smile, combined with the press conference temper tantrum caused an ESPN-fueled Jetstream of Bullshit from the sports media.

5. Deadspin smartly asked the awesome former NFL tight end Nate Jackson to write an essay about the incident. He defended Moose Balls. Go read it. It’s really well written. It turns out all professional athletes are not actually completely worthless to society when not performing on the field.

6. One Deadspin commenter, shady37, was not impressed.

This article is fucking outrageous. The people who think its ok to laugh when you’re getting blown out in MNF, when a loss in this game ends the 2010 season are the same people who probably think its ok to not keep score in little league games so little johnny’s feelings don’t get hurt because his team lost. Magic Johnson is right, Anderson should get cut from Arizona. Like Magic said, Anderson is suppossed to be the team leader, hes the QB, and players will follow Anderson’s actions. I know I don;t want a team that can laugh on the sidelines when they are getting disgraced. When the Giants lost to the Colts, all the fucking Giants looked like they wanted to fucking die. That shows to me as a fan they are into the game and that they care. Not one person should stick up for this piece of trash. Lets not forget he lost his starting job this year because he sucked so bad. There’s no coincidence here, his shitty attitude does have a correlation to his shitty play.

Make sure you go and read all the replies because it goes on from there, and turns into a general pile-on with shady37 continuing to replay… which just makes it worse (better for the rest of us). Sometimes you dig a hole, and then just keep on digging deeper…

@blogsarefun: Get a fucking clue? I’ve played sports my entire life. I ain’t laughing if I’m getting smoke whether I’m playing football, baseball or handball. If you are totally vested in the game, the game feels like 10 minutes long, not 3 hours. When the game is about to end, a vested player feels like it just started.
I didn’t watch the giants sideline the entire time. But i know Giants leaders like Tuck, Osi, Eli were never laughing, not for one second. If a bench warmer, a backup kicker, someone who never gets in the game is laughing on the sidelines, I can understand that, because backups who don’t play can’t be nearly as invested in the game as a starter. Anderson is no backup, although he should be a 4th stringer or practice squad QB. He was the starting qb, the supposed leader of the team. It’s unacceptable for him to be laughing and sitting on the bench. And who the fuck is Nate. Never heard of him. I think I’ll listen to Magic Johnson, someone who knows what it takes to be a champion, to be one of the best all-times in his sport, and knows the kind of mental attitude it takes to be a champion and a winner. Oh yea, and I’ll listen to Gruden too. A blowhard, how about a Super Bowl Winning Coach.