History

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Life, Death and Violence: A Study of March 1

There’s been a debate in the art community for quite some time now regarding a work by Duccio, known as the Stroganoff Madonna and features a baby Jesus Christ playfully tugging at his mother’s hood, in the Metropolitan Museum of Art. It’s a small piece, about 8.5 by 11 inches, in egg tempera and with a gold leaf background. The Museum asserts its authenticity, but others, notably the late art historian James Beck, disagree. It is highly unlikely that the work, which has been analyzed over and over again by the Met’s crack team of forensic artists, will be declared illegitimate, but if it had, it would be devastating to the Met’s credibility, especially since they paid an undisclosed sum that has been rumored to be as high as 45 million USD, the highest sum they have ever paid for a work of art. For now, since Professor Beck is dead, the matter is certain to now be a moot point, but it does give us the opportunity to debate about pigment qualities and, more importantly, the importance of the artist in regards to the work. Would it have sold for 45 million USD had the work not been a Duccio, but had been attributed to a lesser artist of the proto-renaissance, even if it had been identical to the piece currently housed in the museum and preserved to the exact same condition?

From WCRS Detroit and Public Snark International this is ~~This American~~ Life, Death and Violence. Each day on our program, we choose a theme and incorporate a series of people and stories that fit that into theme. Today: Idolatry. Why does name matter and what happens when we go too far in our idolatry? Our program today, in four acts. Act One: Life (Never Say Never), Act Two: Death (Model for Success), Act Three: Violence (Bombs in the Men’s Room) and Act Four: Other Neat Things That Happened (Yahoo? Yahoo. Yahoo! You?), but before we begin, we must pay our respects to Life, Death and Violence Crush Object™ Sufjan Stevens:

LIFE!

(Never Say Never)

1449: Lorenzo de’Medici: Lorenzo, whom Wikipedia says was born January 1, but is technically born on March 1 as he was born before the advent of the Gregorian Calendar (the Julian Calendar started its year in the month of March), was not only worthy of idolatry, he essentially created the idols that we know and love today, notably Life, Death and Violence Obsession™ Michelangelo Buonarotti, who sculpted the visage of the intellectual Italian statesman to your right.
The peasants referred to him as Lorenzo the Magnificent, which is just majorly cool and total idolatry, and many scholars mark his death as the end of the Golden Age of Firenze (that’s Florence) and with Lorenzo the Magnificent no longer around, the fractured Italian states began fighting with each other, once again. The loss of an idol can be a tragic event, indeed.

1886: Oskar Kokoschka: When I was in art school, we had a thing wherein we’d go behind someone, push them lightly on the shoulders, not enough to make them fall down, but enough to scare them, and scream Oskar Kokoschka’s name. It was an act of absurdism in the name of the master of German Expressionism and the idol of myself and several of my friends. The painter, poet and playwright was originally told that he was mentally unstable after being injured in World War One, but aren’t all the greats? I know that I’m pretty mentally unstable. Who wants to be stable? Perhaps its my idolatry of Kokoschka that has led to my allowing myself this instability. Anyways, the Nazis deemed him and his work degenerative, so he escaped to Prague, until the Czech began to mobilize for an invasion from Germany and he escaped to the United Kingom. His style was very nervous, but filled with great motion and intrigue and his play is considered the first Expressionist drama. The individualism displayed by himself and Max Beckmann created one of the greatest offshoots of the Modern Art movement, though Kokoschka saw himself as a footnote in the annals of art history towards the end of his life which made him bitter. Here’s an example of his work: The Red Egg, 1941, currently in Prague’s Narodni Gallery:

1987: Ke¢ha: That girl who always looks really dirty and sings about brushing her teeth in the morning with a bottle of Jack Daniels because she’s a complete alcoholic turns 24 today! Ke¢ha is a terrible idol, mainly because while she’s had great success, she’s not particularly talented. I like Ke¢ha when I’m driving and not wanting to listen to WRCJ or WOMC, but that’s about it. There’s no substance. Still, she has more money than we could dream of, but hey, I like her better than Gaga so there’s that.
Seriously though, girl, take a shower and go to AA. I don’t know if you actually have a problem, but from your lyrics and from your hair, it definitely seems to me like you need to just take a chill pill before the tabloids start turning you into the next Lindsay Lohan and we wouldn’t want that because then who else would we dance and sing to in our car, besides Katy Perry whom I totally do a solo performance for an audience of myself of Fireworks in the style of Ann Liv Young every time that stupid song comes on. You guys are catchy!

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1994: Justin Bieber; Are you a belieber? This teen idol wants you to know that its his world (2.0) and to never say never. With his luscious locks and girlish face, this little lesbian (can you spot which is the real Bieber in the slideshow to your left? Can you?!) took the world by storm last year after being discovered in 2009 on that site that all the young people love called “The YouTubular Video Sharing Website” or something like that. Anyways, the Biebs, the ultimate in idolatry, turns 17 today which makes him legal in New York. Get on that Beliebers! But, remember, you may have to fight off Selena Gomez. He never said never, and now he’s an international Canadian pop star.

DEATH!

(Model for Success)

1244: Gryffydd ap Llywelyn Fawr: Ashlee Simpson’s baby naming idol was kidnapped as a kid by the King of England as a pledge for the continued good faith of Gryffydd’s father Llywelyn the Great. Griffid. Gryefehd. Gryffindor.
Gryffydd’s brother Daffyd imprisoned Gryffydd until King Henry III invaded Wales and made Daffyd give him Gryffydd and so Gryffydd became imprisoned in the Tower of London where he remained until he died trying to escape in 1244. He was fat and the rope he was using to escape snapped. Looks like he shouldn’t have used Blondin’s rope supplier! What I’m saying here is that the Welsh have weird names.

1980: Wilhelmina Cooper: An icon amongst models and the idol of every aspiring girl, Wilhelmina Cooper, founder of Wilhelmina Models, and the woman with the most Vogue covers: 28. She appeared on 255 covers during her career, launched Naomi Sims, the first black supermodel and was portrayed by Faye Dunaway in the movie Gia about another model Wilhelmina’s agency launched to stardom, Gia Carangi who later died of AIDS.
She died of lung cancer at the age of 40, which, for the second day in a row, marks yet another death from cigarettes. I’m glad I quit when they were fourteen bucks a pack because now that I can get them for about seven, I don’t really care to because it’s just not something I need anymore. Wilhelmina Cooper is great and all, but here’s a photo of my favorite model:

1984: Jackie Coogan: A comedic idol! Jackie Coogan was a stah! A child stah! With all the child stah problems like having his parents steal his earnings. Naturally, he sued them, got very little of the money he earned and got a bill named after him that requires 15% of child star earnings to be placed into a trust. He’s best known as Uncle Fester on The Addams Family, but he was also Oliver Twist.
Storytime! Here’s what happens when you mess with your idols: In 1933, just after Coogan turned 18, one of his friends was kidnapped and the kidnappers demanded 40k. The police got involved, arrested the two men who admitted to killing Coogan’s friend Brooke Hart the night of the kidnapping and threw them in the clink. Shortly after, a mob, rumored to have been organized by Coogan, broke into the prison, snagged the kidnappers and lynched them in the park across the street. Don’t mess with Uncle Fester.

VIOLENCE!

(Bombs in the Men’s Room)

1847: Michigan bans capital punishment. Go Blue!
1910: AVALANCHE! Train buried in Washington State, killing 96 people. Sufjan! You get your butt in here right now, mister. This is your fault, isn’t it!?

1971: BOOM! BANG! POW! Weather Underground explodes a bomb in the men’s room at the US Capitol Building. Bad weather, indeed!
2008: POP! POP! SHOOT EM UP! 10 people peacefully protesting the allegedly fraudulent elections in Armenia are killed by Armenian police.

OTHER NEAT THINGS THAT HAPPENED

(Yahoo? Yahoo. Yahoo! You.)

1565: Rio de Janeiro is founded, paving the way for the ultimate in beach watching for years to come.
1803: Ohio becomes the 17th state, paving the way for the ultimate in corn fed Midwestern guys and roller coasters for years to come.
1867: Nebraska becomes a state, paving the way for the ultimate in farmer’s tans for years to come.
1936: The Hoover Dam is finished, paving the way for the ultimate in ‘kids getting away with saying damn’ situations for years to come.
1962: American Airlines 1 crashes upon takeoff, paving the way for the ultimate in last minute plane crash avoidance for years to come.
1995: Yahoo! is founded, paving the way for the ultimate in search engines for years to come. Oh wait: Google. Sorry, Yahoo!

That’s it for today’s program my little birds. ~~This American~~ Life, Death and Violence will be back tomorrow, for yet another look into the past through this Vaseline coated lens of ours. Remember, idolatry is all fun and games until someone’s lynched in a park. Have a great day.

Life, Death and Violence: A Study of February 28

Each day on ~~This American~~ Life, Death and Violence we choose a different theme and come up with people and stories that fit that theme. Today: People who have good intentions. Stories of people trying to help, but end up causing a lot of trouble. For instance, we always try to have good intentions, but it tends to backfire which has led to us getting called manipulative bastards by ex-boyfriends, which, well, isn’t fun, but, you know, we had good intentions! Anyways, let’s get to the fun!

Oh yeah. Before we begin, we’d like to make an announcement. In order to avoid overexposure, Joseph Gordon Levitt will no longer be mentioned in this blog. Every other Monday we will introduce a new crush object to alleviate weariness and this fortnight’s crush/mascot is Sufjan Stevens. We’re also debuting our fancy new logo! Get it on a mug!*

LIFE!

(When we put on our wings and soar towards success)

1824: Blondin: Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the King’s horses and all the King’s men couldn’t put Humpty together again. This French tightrope walker didn’t die from a fall, but he did have a fall that ended with the death of two people. It’s such a shame when the good intentions of entertainment lead to death. In 1861, while performing 50 feet above the ground, the rope he was on broke, causing the scaffolding to fall. Blondin was not injured, but two workers who were on the scaffolding fell to their deaths. An investigation occurred in which no fault was put onto Blondin or his manager. However, the judge said the rope maker had a lot to answer for. The man who ran the venue where the incident occurred vowed never to have a spectacle of that sort ever again, yet, Blondin was back the next year doing a tightrope walk 100 feet above the ground even though there was a bench warrant against him and his manager for not appearing at a trial in regards to the earlier, deadly incident as they were touring in America at that particular time. Blondin enjoyed a successful career until his death some thirty years later.

1903: Vincente Minnelli: The famed director had the good intentions of love on his mind when he started courting Judy Garland on the set of “Meet Me in St. Louis,” but then he gave us Liza. Just kidding! We love Liza!
Back to Vincente, who was born as Lester. If we were born with a name like Lester, we would definitely change it to something cooler. We were almost named Jared according to our mother and thank god that didn’t happen. Anyways, Vincente’s famous flicks include An American in Paris, Brigadoon, Gigi, Father of the Bride and Madame Bovary.
He married four times (four!) and ended up dying from emphysema and pneumonia. Smoking is bad kids, but smoking in the snow in a t-shirt and a pair of jorts? That’s fatal. Remember that.

1912: Clara Petacci: It’s hard to say what Clara’s intentions were when she teamed up with Mussolini, if they were good, if they were bad, but her continued support of the regime lead to further turmoil of the Italian people and when Benito and the Jets were captured by the Russians, she was shot with them, even though rumour has it that she was given the option to break up with the Italian dictator and escape with her life. She stayed with the band and Benito and the Jets ended up hanging upside down at a gas station.
Clara died at the age of 33, the same age as Jesus. We’re not saying she’s the messiah and that the Russians killed her and did a World War 2 crucifixion (shot in the head and strung up upside down so people can pelt your dead body with rocks). We’re just saying she was 33 is all and was hanged for vandalism in The Garden of Gasthemene Petrol Station. Honest.

DEATH!

(Where we go when our good intentions take us too close to the sun)

1525: Cuauhtemoc: Cuauhtemoc (say that ten times fast) became the ruler of Tenochtitlan at 18 while the Spanish were taking over and everyone was dying of smallpox. This was like if the Secretary of Agriculture became President because no one else was able to do it, so yeah. In 1521, all the good intentions of saving the Aztecs failed, as he was captured by Cortes while fleeing Tenochtitlan in disguise. He asked to be killed, but Cortes had the royal treasurer torture Cuauhtemoc by burning his feet until he gave up that darned Aztec gold (which was essentially nonexistent) and, fearing an insurrection, Cortes had Cuauhtemoc (we just love typing that name! Cuauhtemoc Cuauhtemoc Cuauhtemoc!) hanged, but not before Cuauhtemoc placed a curse on Cortes and made him feel guilty about hanging him! Oh Cuauhtemoc! You so smart! WE LOVE YOU AND YOUR GOOD INTENTIONS!

1891: George Hearst: Georgie Boy had good intentions. He wanted the American Dream™ and he lived the American Dream™. He became a successful miner and investor and became a United States senator: The American Dream™. He more than provided for his family including, and this is where his good intentions took a turn for the worse, his son William Randolph who became a newspaperman and championed yellow journalism and that’s why we have stuff like the NY Post. Ugh. Hate you George, but mainly because we blame you for bad puns in headlines. You yourself are pretty awesome and a good role model for all us prospectors headed towards California, which would be us! Announcement: We’re moving to California to find gold!
George Hearst had the most amazing beard known to hipster. They’d be mad jealous of him on Kent. And by they, we mean both sides of the culture wars: The Hipsters and The Hasids. It truly is amazing and we’re typing in awe as we look at it. Typing. In. Awe.

1965: Emile Buisson: The French! Always surrendering! Well, this one had terrible intentions and he didn’t so much surrender as he was caught, but, then again, he didn’t kill them all when they closed in. He surrendered himself. Just like the French are wont to do. Anyways, Emily was a French gangster who killed a lot of people, and by a lot of people, we mean a lot of people. Like, more than thirty people. That’s a lot of people! What bad things can happen from good, we mean, bad intentions.
He was first captured in 1941, but was considered criminally insane and sent to the looney bin where he escaped in 1947. He was finally caught and executed in 1965. At least the French police never surrendered!

VIOLENCE!

(What happens when we exert force upon others)

1710: Denmark vs Sweden! MONDAY! MONDAY! MONDAY! Be there! Be there! Be there! Only at The Silverdooome! 14,000 Swedes beat up 14,000 Danes and all the Danes got as consolation was a vicious plague and complete ruin of a few cities until the mid 19th century. Sweden won with superior design.
1958: Crash! Boom! A bus full of children hits a wrecker truck and falls into a river killing 26 kids and the bus driver. Wait a sec. Isn’t this Simon Birch? (leaves to look up) Nope, that was filmed in Canada. Here’s a pic of the bus driver:

Seriously though. Sad.

1991: George Bush wins the first Gulf War! You go, girl!

OTHER NEAT THINGS THAT HAPPENED TODAY!

(How we thought it was a good idea to fly close to the sun with wings of wax is beyond us. Who do we think we are?)

1883: The first vaudeville theater opens! Hello mah baby, hello mah honey, hello mah ragtime gaaaal! We’re gonna be a stah! A stah!
1993: Invasion of David Koresh’s compound in Waco, Texas.
2004: More than a million Taiwanese persons hold hands to commemorate the 228 Incident in which ten to thirty thousand protesters were killed by their government. The 228 Incident is now known within Taiwan as Peace Memorial Day and the ring a bell to remember the victims.

Our intention today was to wow you, little birds, with another treasure trove of historical facts and whimsical words. We hope nothing bad comes of those good intentions and we leave you, until tomorrow, with another glorious photo of Life, Death and Violence Crush Object™ Sufjan Stevens:

*Life, Death and Violence logo not actually available on a mug.

Life, Death and Violence: A Study of February 26-27

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. What the hell is going on? This is what you’re saying. We know it’s what you’re saying because we can read your minds here at Life, Death and Violence, your #1 source for poor research and bad jokes about Joseph Gordon Levitt:

Joseph Gordon Levitt walked into a bar. He woke up a week later in the hospital.

JGL Lays Down — JGL Immediately After He Walked Into That Bar

#Cracktalk has returned, but we lost a day, so we must make it up. We must avenge Friday by talking about Saturday and its holier than thou sister Sunday. Are you ready for the weekend? It’s basically over already, so, whatever. Who cares. Let’s get to it, little birds. Welcome to Video Weekends.

LIFE!

(If it was warmer, we’d take you to the zoo because that’s a weekend thing to do)

272: Constantine the Great: He had a city named after him. Let’s hear about it:

1926: HM: He had amnesia and could learn new skills but not remember learning them. That’s weird. Here’s a skill we all can learn:

1928: Anatoli Filipchenko: Cosmonaut. Let’s learn about Apollo/Soyuz:

1932: Johnny Cash: He sang songs. Let’s listen:

DEATH!

(If it was summer, we’d go to the beach. It’s winter though and that’s a bummer)

1892: Louis Vuitton: This dead guy’s stuff is liked by this living guy:

1993: Lillian Gish: Roll the tapes:

1998: Ted Schultz: Economist. Let’s learn about the economy:

2008: Dick Fletcher: We always preferred Weather Girls to Weathermen:

VIOLENCE!

(If it was spring, we’d probably be cleaning)

You want violence? Boom. Bang. Here:

OTHER NEAT THINGS THAT HAPPENED!

(Let’s just go to the arcade and play Dance Dance Revolution, okay? Meet you in 20)

1815: Napoleon escapes Elba. Here’s why he was there:

1919: It’s official. The Grand Canyon is a national park. Here it is:

1974: People Magazine is published. Here’s our favorite People from 1974:

1986: The Senate starts televising debates. Here’s some early Senate footage:

We have an Oscar party to get ready for. Bye. See you on Monday for a real one of these.

Life, Death and Violence: A Study of February 23

Today on Life, Death and Violence: Men! And the manliest man thing of all? Sports! Yes, little birds, today we’re covering sports history. Throw that baseball into the endzone and make sure you don’t go offsides so you can get that service ace! Touchdown! These are sports things, right? Our sports memory has been hazy ever since that time in the fourth grade when our father made us go to Little League practice and we told him we didn’t want to do it anymore, but we went and got hit in the eye. We had to get stitches and then perform as Young Cain in Children of Eden that very night. Sports! The glory of victory and the suffering of defeat or something like that. Come running with us and Joseph as we explore this mystical world.

LIFE! (Ten hut, hike, yooouuu’rrreee OUT!)

1970: Niecy Nash: Gold Medalist in the 2008 Olympic Sport of Cleaning and Negotiation (it wasn’t an aired event. NBC evidently didn’t think that it was worth their airtime), Niecy Nash knows how to werk it and get what she wants for the people she’s helping. She also looks fantastic with her signature flower. Unfortunately for the sport of Cleaning and Negotiations, Ms. Nash retired in 2010 and has since disappeared from the highly televised sport, except, of course, on Style Classic, which showcases her stunning feats and most amazing victories. Ms. Nash supplemented her income as a Cleaning and Negotiations champion by being a police officer in the city of Reno, Nevada from 2003-2009.
One possible theory for her tragic and early departure from Cleaning and Negotiations is that Ms. Nash became so emotionally shattered after only managing 5th place in the 2010 edition of Dancing With the Stars, a ballroom dancing competition and a sport that she so heavily wanted to succeed in. We eagerly await the return of Ms. Nash to our airwaves in the sport of her choosing, but until then, we can only watch her victories.

1983: Mirco Bergamasco: We guess he plays rugby and we’re not really sure how that’s played, but we eagerly look forward to learning if it’s solely played by guys like the Italian Bergamasco.

1994: Dakota Fanning: Ms. Fanning, seen just prior to her 2004 Gold Medal at the Athens Olympics in Adorability (another unaired sport), also scored a silver in the 2008 Beijing Olympics after a narrow, crushing defeat to a little Chinese girl.
Next year’s London Olympics are set to be her last as by the time 2016 rolls bye, she’ll be 22 and aged out of the event.
Dakota, on the side, films many movies and is considered a Respected Female Starlet, though many are eagerly waiting for when she finally Lohans, but we don’t think that’ll happen. Dakota seems like a nice girl even if we’ve never seen any of her work, including the seminal 2003 film, Uptown Girls which co-starred now-deceased actress Brittany Murphy whom we just loved in Clueless.

DEATH! (We almost died playing Muggle Quidditch once. No, really*)

1961: Davey Crockett: Davey played for the Detroit Tigers (put yo hands up for Detroit!) during their 1901 season and has his name carved into some stone at Comerica Park, but we haven’t seen it, mainly because we’re too busy looking at bronze sculptures of real players like Ty Cobb and Al Kaline. He did not wear a coonskin cap and that photo is not of him as we could not locate a photo of Davey Crockett the Baseball Player. Instead, we present to you, our dear readers, the above photo of former Pittsburgh Pirate Dale Long looking mighty fine while eating a sandwich.

2000: Sir Stanley Matthews: Sir Stanley ate no meat. Sir Stanley drank no booze. Sir Stanley was boring, but he did play soccer, or, as you European pansies call it, football, and is considered to be one of the best players that the English have ever produced.
He has a stupid nickname: “The Wizard of the Dribble.” That’s really stupid. Also, he played for Stoke City and Blackpool, whatever that means and was also an inaugural inductee into the English Footballers Hall of Fame in 2002. Too bad he died before the ceremony. We don’t really get soccer. It’s just a lot of passing and the field seems way to big. Give us hockey any day.
He retired when he was 70 and was able to play at the top level until he was 50, which we guess is pretty impressive given the average lifespan of a sports person’s career. Maybe it has something to do with all the not-drinking and the not-eating meat. We don’t believe that. Then again, we aren’t star ‘footballers.’

2008: Paul Frere: Italians drive fast and make lots of left turns like nobody else. VROOM! He also wrote about racing.

VIOLENCE! (War is a sport that some nations are good at and some nations are bad at, just like real sports)

1836: Shoot em up! BANG! BANG! ZOOM! The Battle of the Alamo began and, by the end, Davy Crockett ~~the Baseball Player~~ the Folk Hero would be dead.
1847: Yesterday’s Battle of Buena Vista continued!
1941: Glenn Seaborg creates and isolates plutonium paving the way for nuclear weapons.
1997: Fire on Mir! ABORT ABORT!

OTHER NEAT THINGS THAT HAPPENED TODAY (We’re good at bowling, but is bowling a sport?)

632: The Prophet Mohammed retires from the sport of Public Speaking.
1903: Cuba leased Guantanamo Bay to the Americans forever, one of the worst plays in the history of the sport of Foreign Affairs, at least from the Cuban perspective.
1954: The Sport of Hunting Diseases begins a major match as man starts to inject kids with anti-polio vaccines.
2005: The French pass a law requiring teacher’s to speak positively about colonialism. The law is repealed the next year. The Sport of Colonialism is dead! Long live Colonialism!

Now if you’ll excuse us, friends, we’re going to learn how to play rugby while practicing our favorite sport: Drinking.

*This did not happen.

Life, Death and Violence: A Study of February 22

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There was a murder last night at the Boddy Mansion and we’ve been hired to find out whodunit. Happy Tuesday, little birds! Let’s talk about things that are gruesome, gross and sticky. Now you, get your mind out of the gutter, we’re not talking about that bodily fluid, we’re talking about the other gooey one: Blood.

Today on Life, Death and Violence: Victims and Survivors. Sit down and relax. This is going to hurt us a lot more than it’s going to hurt you. Are you nervous? You shouldn’t be as long as you have nothing to hide.

LIFE! (LeZig in the Open Thread, with Mark Ruffalo’s Espresso Eyes?)

1440: Ladislaus the Posthumous: This man was murdered, by his enemies, with the poison, in Bohemia. Ladislaus was 17 when he died and became King of Hungary and Croatia shortly after he was born. He was crowned King of ~~Bushwick~~ Bohemia when he was thirteen and looks to us like a pretty weak-kneed individual, so it’s no surprise to us that he was offed, especially when one takes into account the incredible amount of regicide that occurred during that period in history. Oh, wait, upon further reading of our good friend Wikipedia, it seems that he died from leukemia, which wasn’t a known illness at the time. NERDS! We wanted him to be poisoned so bad so that it would fit into today’s theme. Instead, the murderer turned out to be God, in the bedroom, with the terminal illness. We were never all that great at Clue, but we always did have a bit of a crush on Professor Plum.
Anyways, at the risk of editorializing, we think his political policies in regards to the Turks were kind of dickish, but his wife? Total babe. What they say is true: Women ~~and attractive history columnists~~ love bad boys who treat them like crap.

1940: Robert Wadlow: Carol the Pilot, in the stratosphere, with the airplane, after initiating Sky Law.
1969: Clarence 13X: Colonel Mustard, in Harlem, with the Revolver. Clarence 13x was a member of the Nation of Islam, until, of course, he made the rookie mistake of criticizing the teachings of Dear Leader. He was named 13x because he was the 13th Clarence to join Temple Number 7 where yesterday’s death Malcolm X: Ray-Ban® Clubmaster™ Spokesman was a minister.
Anyways, after being excommunicated (we only thought the Catholics did that and are still confused as to why we haven’t received that letter yet from Benny and the Cardinals) he founded a new cult: Nations of God and Earth wherein the followers were required to refer to him as either Allah or Father. Ego much? Well, he did believe that anyone could become God by living a life of righteousness, but we’re still going to, again, at the risk of editorializing, claim that the man was indeed, an egomaniac. He was arrested in 65 for marijuana possession and assault amongst other charges and sent to Bellevue Hospital for psychiatric care where it was discovered that he believed white people were the devil incarnate (well, we are quite seductive with our curly red hair) and that he was schizophrenic. He was shot.

1975: Drew Barrymore: What’s this? A survivor! Gee, whiz! We (and by we, we mean all you old people over 40) watched her grow up, go to rehab, go to rehab again and become the stunning comic actress/director we all know and love today. You go, girl! Happy 36!

DEATH! (92BuickLeSabre, in Photo Phriday with the axe he stores in his trunk?)

The following people may or may not have been murderers, but we have reason to suspect that they were, at the very least, party to an untimely death. The suspects:

1680: La Voisin: J’accuse! La Voisin was a sorceress, a witch, a potion master, and a fortune teller who talked her way into high French society to become one of the Prominent French People who are considered The Most Important People in the World and how does she thank them? How does she thank them? By (allegedly) poisoning the king’s sister-in-law, the Duchess d’Orleans! J’accuse Voisin!
J’accuse! Her partner wasn’t even her husband, it was her lover, magician and practitioner of black arts, Lesage! J’accuse Voisin! Whore!
Thank god the French did, at the risk of editorializing, the right thing for once. Voisin was convicted of witchcraft and burned at the stake for all to see.
The Duchess actually died of gastroenteritis. La Voisin was probably innocent of any wrongdoing.

1987: Andrew Warhola: Prominent ad-man and homosexual, Andrew Warhola, better known by his stage name “Andy Warhol” was a murderer. His victim? Art. Oh, yeah, Edie Sedgwick, too. This ‘artist’ claimed that everyone in the future would get ‘fifteen minutes of fame’ but have we gotten that yet? No! (oh, wait, we’ve been in print and on television). WHATEVER ANDY. YOU SUCK. We actually love Andy because he’s kind of amazing, but, seriously, the man killed art* by making it ‘cool’ and ‘marketable’ kind of like that blue duck in that short-lived, but amazing (is there anything short-lived that isn’t amazing) animated version of the comic strip Dilbert.
Andy was also responsible for making a lot of people’s careers and dreams come true, notably The Velvet Underground, but everyone did drugs and had a lot of sex and so there was a decent amount of overdoses (Hi Edie!). Andy didn’t do a lot with all the sex since he didn’t like to be touched. Who doesn’t like to be touched? That’s, at the risk of editorializing, some major fucked up shit. He painted soup cans and had other people silkscreen images of Marilyn Monroe. Naturally, we shun any post ’68 work. Here he is eating a hamburger in has later years. Naturally, we shun this.

2002: Chuck Jones. His crime? Continued attempted murder upon a beloved hare under the guise of Elmer Fudd. J’ACCUSE!

VIOLENCE! (Your intrepid reporter, at the Jackie O. Reservoir, with the sleeping pills?)

1797: “Last Invasion of Britain:” You’re kidding, right?
1847: Battle of Buena Vista: 5,000 Disney Imagineers fought off 15,000 Mexican troops to win this key battle in the Mexican-American War led by General Zach Taylor who would later become President of These United States. Fuck yeah, America!
1943: Remember that group of anti-Nazi protesters whose members were arrested last week, The White Rose? Yeah, they were executed.

OTHER NEAT THINGS THAT HAPPENED TODAY (Wait, wait, the clues are finally coming together, we’ve almost figured it out)

1856: The Republican Party has its first meeting, surely to discuss how to, at the risk of editorializing, get away with war crimes and shaft the American people.
1862: Some hick named Jefferson Davis is inaugurated as the first President of the Confederate States of America. We bet he doesn’t last 40 months.
1872: Prohibition Party has its first meeting. Jesus, guys, Al Capone existed because of you people. That’s blood on your hands just because you don’t like loose ~~columnists~~ women drinking their Canadian Club.
1983: Moose Murders opens, closes on the same night, setting a standard for failure on Broadway.

That’s it, friends. We’ve examined the clues and unlocked the puzzle box. You’re all innocent. Mr. Boddy’s murderer was, in fact, without a doubt, Joseph Gordon Levitt, in the boudoir, with the blindfold. He strangled Mr. Boddy and then he strangled Claudia Schiffer. Still hot, though. Until next time!

*We don’t really believe this.

Life, Death and Violence: A Study of February 21

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Have you got a case of the Mondays, little birds? So early? Well, pour yourself a cup of coffee, pull up a chair, play that sad, sad tune and get ready for your favorite dose of bad comedy and poorly researched history: Life, Death and Violence! We feel really good today, because there are no thirteen year olds with Wikipedia pages today. In fact, everyone that was born and has a Wikipedia page is older than us! So we only have to feel like we’re complete failures when compared to people who are 22 or older. That’s right. Those people are 22. When we’re 22, we’ll have a Wikipedia page. This is what we tell ourselves even though we turn 22 one month from today exactly (mark your calendars!). Honestly, we don’t know why we don’t already when we’ve appeared in four seconds of television over the span of two episodes of a C-List MTV show. I mean, come on. Well, let’s get to it. We’ve got our press coffee and probably didn’t read Jailbird in time for the book club yesterday. By the way, there are 313 days left in the year. MiNombreEsChris and Splendorinda, PUT YO HANDS UP FOR DETROIT! The 3-1-3. The D. The Dirty!

Detroit Rock City, yo. Take that Bushwick.

LIFE! (None of these people are from the new Brooklyn)

1728: Peter the III: He was emperor of Russia until he was assassinated on the orders of his wife Catherine (who would become Catherine the Great and one of the world’s greatest art collectors). He was also the heir to the Swedish throne, but turned it down to lead Russia instead (easy access to booze is always an incentive to a minor becoming a monarch).
He also has the distinction of being named the King of Finland for a short while and not being told so (our parents never told us anything at 14, either, so don’t feel bad about that Peter). He was a drunken, pro-Prussian idiot with smallpox that made him way ugly, too, so it’s no wonder his wife had him offed so that she could become the most celebrated Tsarina in all of Russia and amass a legendary art collection. Thems the breaks, Petey! Better luck next time! Okay, okay, we’re being mean. He wasn’t all bad. He abolished the Secret Police and proclaimed religious freedom, something that was revolutionary at the time and that not even those liberal pansies in Western Europe did.

1860: Sir William Goscombe John: What a name! This Welsh sculptor who worked in the gothic style (or, more correctly, the neo-gothic style) spent his youth restoring castles with his dad, which is awesome.

He made a lot of statues for a lot of people, notably John Cory and his wife and was granted a correspondence membership to the French Institute, a Prominent French Place for Prominent French People that sometimes lets Prominent Outsiders into their Prominent French Place so that everyone can feel Prominent and Important because they are, to steal a line from NYMag, The Most Important People in the World.

William Goscombe John is one of these Important People because of the French Institute and he better not forget it!

You hear that, Bill? Don’t forget it or the French will cut you. They. Will. Cut you.

1927: Count Hubert James Marcel Taffin de Givenchy: One of the most famed couturiers of the Twentieth Century, Givenchy was responsible for the majority of Audrey Hepburn’s wardrobe and what a name! Sorry Will Jahcombover, you’ve been topped. Anyways, his daddy was the Marquis de Givenchy and he named his label Givenchy and his brother became in charge of the family perfume business which was eventually sold to Veuve Cliquot before moving over to Louis Vuitton Moet Hennesy (LVMH) to be with the womenswear line.
He idolized Cristobal Balenciaga (who of us doesn’t?) and had a slew of celebrity clients including Jackie O., Grace Kelly and the Guinness Girls (the 60s ones. Not Daphne) before finally retiring in 1995. His selection for who would succeed him was rejected by LVMH in favor of the more well known John Galliano. Today the label is run by Ricardo Tisci who we think does a good job.
He never married.

1989: Corbin Bleu: The High School Musical star and lovechild of Corbin Fisher and Randy Blue’s French cousin (Justin Guarini was the surrogate) turns 22 today. Happy Birthday!

DEATH! (But what do I wear to a funeral in the new Brooklyn?)

Let’s ask Goofus and Gallant.

Gallant: Aubrey is dressed properly for a funeral. Solemn, but seductive in case she meets an attractive bachelor at the service.

Goofus: Tuck in that shirt, young man! And straighten that tie! It’s a funeral, not a frat party.

1513: Pope Julius II: Pope Julius II was the coolest pope ever. Why? He funded Michelangelo and you people all now how we feel about Michelangelo! He’s the guy who commissioned our good friend Mikey B to build a massive mausoleum smack dab in the middle of St. Peters. Too bad The Warrior Pope ended up with a bedbug filled walk-up in Sunset Park instead of movin on up, to the east side, and that dee-luxe apartment in the sky.

He had his iconic, rockin beard for less than a year. He grew it in mourning for the loss of the city of Bologna to outside forces under General Oscar Mayer, breaking the rules of canon law. You know what? Pope Julius II don’t care. Why? Because Pope Julius II is the honey badger who ever did pape the papacy. That’s why he’s also called “The Fearless Pope.”

The Vatican thought “The Honey Badger Pope” sounded too cool and that people would start worshiping the honey badger because honey badger don’t give a shit. Honey badger don’t care if he’s Divinity. He’s too busy passing out from cobra venom, but look, he’s gotten right back up. Honey badger.

1965: Malcolm X: The original spokesman for Ray-Ban® Clubmaster™ was assassinated in New York.

1974: Tim Horton: We’re at a loss for words, dear friends. This wasn’t just a man. This wasn’t just a hockey player. This was the man who created Tim Horton’s Coffee and Donut. We owe such a debt to this man. We wouldn’t have functioned in high school if it weren’t for the combination Wendy’s/Tim Horton’s across the street. We even went as a Canadian robot one year for Halloween. Its name? Tim-Bot 3000. Yeah, we named him after TimBits. We’re going to go get an iced capp right now in his honor and we think you all should too, assuming of course, you’re near a Tim Horton’s. We know that LeZig is because she’s in Toronto, that most Canadian of all Canadian cities. We bet there’s even two that are across the street from each other like there used to be for Starbucks in New York until The Dark Times. You be safe up there Timmy Ho! We’re pourin a little coffee on the ground in your honor. Don’t worry, we’re doin’ it over a sewer so as not to cause a mess, eh. Wouldn’t want to not be polite. Peace, Timmy. Peace. You’re a golden man and we’ll love you forever.

VIOLENCE! (You think Bed-Stuy is dangerous. Honey, get to Crack Mile)

1952: Students in East Pakistan were shot while protesting for the establishment of Bengali as the national language. Bengali became the national language, but we ask ourselves, was it worth dying for? We’re not sure, but we live in a country without a national language.
1953: Gerald Holtom designs the peace sign for the Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament. Peace out, bros!

OTHER NEAT THINGS THAT HAPPENED TODAY (Besides, of course, our declaration that Detroit is the new Brooklyn)

1848: Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels publish the Communist Manifesto, thus screwing up the world for the rest of eternity because people can’t separate Communism from Leninism or Maoism, let alone Socialism
1878: The first phone book is published, thus killing trees for the next 133 years.

1918: The last Carolina Parakeet died in the Cincinnati Zoo. Pretty sad. They’re really colorful and pretty, but now they’re extinct.

1925: The New Yorker publishes their first issue and begins tickling our funny bone with their cartoons.
1947: Polaroid introduces the first instant camera paving way for New Age Fun with a Vintage Feel from the good folks at Hipstamatic™ or, if you have a Droid, Retro Camera.
1948: VROOOOOOOOOOOOooooomommmmmmmmm. NASCAR starts.
1975: The Watergate guys are sentenced
1995: Steve Fossett lands in Saskatchewan after crossing the Pacific Ocean. In a hot air balloon. This guy is the honey badger of people and we here at Life, Death and Violence, your #1 source for poorly thought out research have actually procured the only known photograph of Mr. Fossett during his crossing of the Pacific.

Until next time, friends! Here’s a little happy to get you outta those ruddy, Monday blues.

Life, Death and Violence: A Study of February 18

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It’s Freaky Friday here on your favorite column about the past: Life, Death and Violence! What makes Freaky Friday different from any other day? It’s freaky! Like Jamie Lee Curtis and Lindsay Lohan switching bodies or Jimmy Johns’ delivery service, history just went insane today. Like, L. Ron Hubbard insane, so TGIF and let’s get through this together, step by step.*

LIFE! (Good idea: Anti-folk. Bad idea: Breaking up The Beatles)

1516: Queen Mary I of England: You’d think that as Catholics we’d be super into Mary since she reinstated Catholicism after the hedonistic, Protestant rein of Henry VIII. You’d be wrong. Why? Because.
1848: Louis Comfort Tiffany: Celebrities! They’re just like yesterday’s celebrities! What with the giving their kids weird names. At least the guy who founded Tiffany and Co. had the good sense to give his child an embarrassing middle name as opposed to a first name where everyone can see it and all. Lou was into glass blowing as opposed to silver, like his daddy, and, like any great artist from money, he spent a few years in Brooklyn honing his craft and drinking craft beer. He’s noted for redecorating the White House while not in the Important Political Role that is first ladydom. Glass! This is our favorite kind of glass:

We’re pretty sure Tiffany’s was involved in the creation of this rare type of glass.

1906: Hans Asperger: FUCK YOU BITCH. YOU’RE A FUCKING CHILD. I’m sorry, that was my asperger’s.** WHORE
1933: Yoko Ono***: The noted visionary, performance artist, destroyer of bands and media personality turns 78 today. Scream for Yoko! Scream for life! Scream for freedom! Scream for the future! Scream for Bungalow Bill! Just Scream! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Yoko Loves You. We Love You Back Yoko and We’ve Written You a Haiku

Japanese Lady

Screaming Like a Wild Banshee

Babies Are Children

Yoko, Ann Liv Young has something to say to you****

1968: Molly Ringwald: She’s no Yoko, but the 80s teen dream stole our hearts and made us feel good about being a ginger. Funny lady!
1980: Regina Spektor: Regina, we need to talk. We love you. Soviet Kitsch is one of our favorite albums, but you’ve been shafted, girl. It’s Yoko’s day. We’re sorry. It’s not you. It’s us.

DEATH! (Yoko didn’t die today, so she can’t hog death, too. Sorry Yoko!)

Sorry Martin Luther and Kublai Khan! Someone else died today and we need to share some stories. There’s a joke we like to tell people that gets the occasional laugh: We’re sorry that we’re having such trouble with this piece x, but, you know, we’re young, tortured gay artists with ADD, you know, just like:

1564: Michelangelo: Michelangelo Buonarotti is, hands down, our favorite artist in the entirety of art history, and it’s not just because of his work which is beyond spectacular. The sculptor (and don’t you dare call him a painter. He signed the Sistine Chapel “Michelangelo, Sculptor”) was the driving force behind the Italian Renaissance and, as he got older, Italian Mannerism. We really encourage everyone to read as much as they can about Michelangelo, but we’d like to share a story about a man, his mother, and a leg.

Everyone knows Michelangelo’s Pieta. A serene sculpture housed in St. Peter’s Basilica, reluctantly signed only because it was being attributed to other artists. A critic of the day declared it a travesty, his main point that Mary looked far too young to be the mother of a thirty-three year old man. She looked to be in her twenties, he said. Michelangelo’s response? Virgins don’t age.

However, Michelangelo constructed a second Pieta that is far less known and, like many of his works (actually, all of his works with the exception of the Roman Pieta), is unfinished (yes, David and Moses are unfinished. We’ll get to that. Hold tight). This Pieta is a little unconventional as it is agreed upon by the art community to be a Pieta, but the composition is more similar to the Descent From the Cross. It is therefore occasionally referred to as The Deposition

Please take a second to think about what is wrong with this sculpture. Go on, we can wait. We’re just going to listen to a little Yoko while you do so.

Ready? Good. If you answered, Jesus is missing a leg, you’re correct, but before we get to why Jesus is missing a leg, it’s noteworthy to point out that the figure of Nicodemus (possibly Joseph of Arimathea) is widely thought to be a self-portrait. Michelangelo has inserted himself into the scene as the man who would prepare Jesus for burial. We think that reeks of egoism, but we’re pretty egotistical ourselves so it just gives us another reason to compare ourselves to Michelangelo despite zero sculpting ability.

Anyways, why is Jesus missing a leg? If you notice, it seems that the leg was draped over Mary’s thigh (his mother; Mary Magdalene is to his right (viewer’s left) and was sculpted by Tiberio Calcagni, not Michelangelo). Back in the 16th century, this particular position was considered heavily erotic and quite salacious. Upon recognizing that this is what he sculpted, Michelangelo started smashing the work, believing it to be evidence of potential incestuous lust for his own mother until he was held back by his assistants. They were able to mostly fix it, but not the leg. Michelangelo, even after his violent outburst, continued to labor over it until he discovered an impurity in the marble that had gone unnoticed. He gave the work to his servant who then sold it to a man who had it finished by Calcagni. Michelangelo worked on this piece for eight years.

As we had mentioned earlier, David was left incomplete by Michelangelo (it was later finished by some terrible curator whose name we forget). Michelangelo purchased the marble for David from another sculptor who had started work on a piece, but then decided he didn’t want to finish it. Michelangelo left a spot on the top of David’s head unfinished to honor that sculptor, until, as we mentioned, a curator noticed the rough patch and decided to finish it for Michelangelo.

Moses the sculpture is complete, but it’s part of a much larger mausoleum that was meant to sit in the center of St. Peter’s. Therefore, the artistic community considers it an unfinished work. It is currently housed at San Pietro in Vincoli where it is placed at the entirely wrong perspective. Both David and Moses are meant to be placed on high so that their grandeur can be felt. When placed on the ground, they look disproportionate and long.

VIOLENCE! (Good idea: Making love. Bad idea: Making War)

1846: Sic Semper Tyrannis! Peasants killed a lot of people in Poland while protesting serfdom. Serfdom was abolished two years later. See, Poland? Egypt does it peacefully and gets what they want in three weeks. Violence is not the answer! Make love, not war! Look at Joseph*****! In your fields! Calling for peace! Make love ~~with him~~, not war!

1878: SHOOT EM UP! ZING! BANG! POW! John Tunstall was murdered by Jessie Evans sparking the Lincoln County Wars in New Mexico. Jessie Evans disappeared two years later.
1983: Once again, we have a wackily named massacre. Today! The Wah Mee ~~Who Me?~~ Massacre in Seattle. Thirteen people died and one guy got seriously injured (but was able to testify in the high-profile trial) by three guys wanting to rob an illegal casino in Chinatown. SHOOT EM UP! BANG! POW! CLINK! CLANK! DUN DUN! PRISON!
1991: The IRA bombed Paddington Station and Victoria Station in London. Our favorite glass was not pleased.

OTHER NEAT THINGS THAT HAPPENED! (Good idea: Fighting Nazis. Bad Idea: Praising Xenu)

1861: Italy unifies and some guy named Victor declares himself King! No documents remain regarding his position on bunga bunga.
1943: The Gestapo begins arrests on members of the White Rose Movement, a group of non-violent/intellectual students who opposed The Third Reich. They were executed some time later and are now regarded as heroes of the Nazi Resistance.
1954: The first Church of Scientology opens in LA, begins their quest in recruiting fabulous celebrities in order to further their cause of letting the world know about Xenu and aliens and volcanoes and whatever it is that those crazies believe in.
1972: California repeals the death penalty!
1972: California reinstates the death penalty months later when putting it to the voters! California, repealing bad things and putting them back in place so as to maintain the status quo since (at least) 1972.

It’s been a fun week, cats, kittens and honey badgers! We’ll see you on Monday, and remember: YOKO! YOKO! YOKO! YOKO! Four for you Glen Yoko! You go Glen Yoko!

*We once had a dream where we were on a bridge with the cast of Step By Step and then we met a witch and the witch turned everyone in the cast to wax one by one. It was really scary. We were, like, seven and had accidentally slept on the Jafar side of our pillowcase instead of the Aladdin side which was totally the good dream side. CURSE YOU JAFAR!

**We do not have Asperger’s and as SixThirty noted, that was actually Tourette’s. This is why we don’t study psychology.

***WE LOVE YOU YOKO

****We were at that taping of Ann Liv Young’s Mermaid show and it was wild. That was the fifth time that they had to start over for the scene due to technical hiccups with the sound and the sheer animalistic tension and anger emanating from Ann Liv (performing as Sherry) was just exquisite. We were stunned, but we may just have a disaster fetish. She yelled at Claudia Larocco of the NYTimes for whispering to a friend during a break. It was phenomenal. A week later, she hit our friend in the head at the Party That Dare Not Speak Its Name with a ceramic necklace that was meant for Penny Arcade.

*****LaZiguezon: Hop on the JGL Bandwagon

Authors Note: I’m going to separate myself from the editorial ‘we’ here. I’d just like to thank everyone who’s read this feature in its inaugural week, especially those of you who have been so effusive in your praise for it. I wasn’t really over at Crosstalk because I never felt witty enough to be there (I was starred, but only because of a contest) and so it’s really great to be here with all these funny people, being able to write something that people seem to like. You’re all super and I’m really glad I was introduced to this amazing community. See you Monday. I refuse to put this much effort in seven days a week. xox

Life, Death and Violence: A Study of February 17

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Today is going to be hot. It’s 50 degrees here on the North Coast, and we would totally go to the beach today if it wasn’t so cloudy. Clouds aren’t hot. The sun? That’s hot. Get ready, kids, because it’s everyone’s favorite daily: Life, Death and Violence. It’s gonna be a hot, hot heat.

LIFE! (Conception is hot. The actual miracle of birth? Not.)

Everyone born today is either hot, or has made a career out of the word “hot.” We’ll also be bringing you the exception to the rule.

1490: Charles III, Duke of Bourbon: This sexy thang look spectacular in a suit of armor, and why wouldn’t he? He’s a hot, distinguished French military leader who defied the stereotype and never surrendered, until he was killed in battle, which, of course, means he surrendered in life. Those French! Always surrendering!

Charles, like any smart person, married into nobility when he married his wife, Suzanne, Duchess of Bourbon. This marriage led to his being named the male-heir to the House of Bourbon and therefore, we assume, an unlimited supply of Maker’s Mark. Lucky man! Damn, we still can’t get over how gorgeous he looks in that suit. Barney Stinson should redefine “Suit up.”

He became a turncoat and fought for the Italians after losing a promotion and having his wife’s money, which she left to him, taken away when the mother of the King of France decided it was hers because she was Suzanne’s closest blood relative.

1836: Gustavo Becquer: Salaciously hot. He is totally pulling off that soul patch in a way that Apolo Anton Ohno only dreams about. Gustavo was a Spanish poet during the post-Romantic era, which, naturally, increases his hotness tenfold. Let’s read a poem:

The dark swallows will return

their nests upon your balcony, to hang.

And again with their wings upon its windows,

Playing, they will call.

But those who used to slow their flight

your beauty and my happiness to watch,

Those, that learned our names,

Those… will never come back! Naturally, we’re smitten. Fun fact! His brother painted that portrait of him and when they changed their names, they took the same fake last name. Family should stick together.

1963: Larry the Cable Guy: Not hot (sorry, we’re just not into bears). Larry is known for being a redneck, but that’s only on stage. He’s not even from the South! He’s from Nebraska. However, our nephew is obsessed with Mater, so we’ll give him a pass.
Still, we’ve always been a fan of scripted comedy as opposed to stand-up, with the exception being Kathy Griffin because she’s just so funny and because as proper gays, we have to like her. Have to. We made Kathy Griffin laugh with a Celine Dion joke when we met her and it was one of the greatest moments of our lives.
What we’re saying here is that we’d much rather talk about Kathy Griffin, but it’s Larry the Cable Guy’s birthday, so we should get back to that. Larry the Cable Guy owns three champion bucking bulls that participate with that other PBR, Professional Bull Riders Inc. Now that’s a fact that’s fun! Their names are Chicken on a Chain, Booger Butt and Git R Done.

1981: Joseph Gordon Levitt: Not hot. Better than hot. The most beautiful man in the world and our main celebrity crush. There are so many things we’d like to do with him and it was probably a sign when we were younger and watching Third Rock from the Sun and only wanted to watch the scenes with Joseph Gordon Levitt in them. Look at that smirk on his face! So cute! He’s totally our Aubrey Plaza.
And what a name! We know that three-namers are associated with serial killers, but you know what? He is killing us with his serious good looks. The man (he’s thirty today!) is funny and smart and quirky and rocks in so many movies, our favorite being (500) Days of Summer which is our ultimate love/hate movie because we love it, but we’re basically Tom and being the romantic in the relationship hurts. WE LOVE YOU JGL! Call us!

And, last, but certainly not least!

1981: Paris Hilton: HAPPY BIRTHDAY PARIS! You’re 30 now! That’s totally hot!

DEATH! (Picking up a guy at a funeral? Hot. Picking up a dead guy at a funeral? Not.)

Let me open up my newspaper to look at today’s obituary, and by newspaper, I mean Wikipedia. Let’s talk about hot dead people because necrophilia is sexxxy.*

1673: Moliere: The original king of comedy and bad boy of theater, Moliere had several of his plays banned by the French government for being too perverse (on pressure from the Catholic Church). We’re currently re’reading our favorite play of his, The Misanthrope, which, if you haven’t read it, you really should. It’s a fabulous tale about an asshole who spends the entire play criticizing everyone including himself.
Moliere is also known for having one of the most ironic deaths ever. During a production of what was to be his final play, in which he played a hypochondriac, he succumbed to his tuberculosis. He was able to finish his performance, but died shortly after. Guess it wasn’t such an imaginary illness after all. Sad. A tragic way for a really funny guy to leave this little blue ball we call home.
(Excerpt from Act 1 Scene 1 Le Misanthrope)
“Great Heaven? let us torment ourselves a little less about the vices of our age, and be a little more lenient to human nature. Let us not scrutinize it with the utmost severity, but look with some indulgence at its failings. In society, we need virtue to be more pliable. If we are too wise, we may be equally to blame.”

1939: Willy Hess: He played violin, taught at Harvard and was concermaster for the Boston Symphony Orchestra. His violin was a Guadagnini which we think means it was a really good violin, but we’re pretty sure he’s not dead. We’re pretty sure we’ve seen this guy at Metropolitan, like, a lot, when we used to go there on Tuesdays.

1961: Nita Naldi: This sultry silent film star was typecast as a femme fatale/vamp and boy was she able to pull that off. She was also in the Ziegfeld Follies and became famous after working with Rudolph Valentino and Cecil B DeMille while signed to the Famous Players/Lasky studio. She declared bankruptcy in 1932 and when she tried to make a comeback, was criticized for her weight. Hollywood never changes.

1970: Alfred Newman: Oh wait, there’s another Alfred Newman. That’s a picture of Neuman. NEWMAN! The most decorated composer in all of cinema, Alfred Newman was a force to be reckoned with. He won 9 Oscars and was nominated 45 times! He’s only second to Walt Disney in both wins and nominations for a single person. What we’re saying is that the guy was a really accomplished film composer.

VIOLENCE! (Napalm’s hot. Mustard Gas? Not.)

1838: We don’t understand a word of what is said in this, so we’re just going to copy Wikipedia’s words exactly and let you guys figure it out. It sounds cool though: Weenan massacre: Hundreds of Voortrekkers along the Blaukraans River, Natal are killed by Zulus. Seriously, we’ve read the Wikipedia page and all we get is that people died and that it took place in South Africa. Every other word confuses us.
1865: Union forces burn Columbia, South Carolina to the ground on orders from General William Tecumseh Sherman (he denied these reports) Hot! Literally, that must have been a hot day, what with all the fire. That Sherman sure liked burning things, but maybe that’s why he’s known as the first modern general. You know, because he was cool with killing citizens.
1871: After months of BANG BANG! SHOOT EM UP! ZING! POW!, the Prussian army captured Paris, thus ending the Franco-Prussian War. Wait, James Franco built a time-machine and lost a war against the Prussians? Watch out, JGL, your status might be in jeopardy! We here at LD&V have uncovered an exclusive photo of James Franco in his apartment, reacting to the loss while the Prussians marched upon his city.

That’s so Franco! And so French! Oh, the French! Always losing!**

OTHER NEAT THINGS THAT HAPPENED! (Future duelists? Hot. The moon? Not.)

1801: It’s a tie! The House of Representatives casts a vote and ZOUNDS! The winner is Tommy Jefferson! The loser gets the vice-presidency and that would be our high school hero, the one and only Aaron Burr! Why is Aaron Burr our high school hero? Because we really hated reading The Federalist Papers, like, with a passion and we were so glad that somebody shot that sonuvabitch Alexander Hamilton. GET OFF OUR MONEY ALEX, WE STILL DON’T LIKE YOU!
1904: Madame Butterfly opens. We never really liked that one.
1913: A lot of really important artists exhibited their work in the NYC 69th Regiment Armory.
1933: Happy Birthday Newsweek! Oh, what’s that? You’re completely hemorrhaging and had to be sold to the Daily Beast and now Tina Brown is running you and everyone’s being fired so that you can focus on an online presence because print is dead? Oh. Sorry. I didn’t mean to rub salt in the wound. Do you need some neosporin?
1965: Project Ranger photographs the moon in preparation for the Apollo missions.
1996: Gary Kasparov beat IBM’s Deep Blue at chess. Too bad Brad and Ken aren’t doing so hot against Watson, but, hey, at least they know Toronto isn’t an American city.
2008: Kosovo declares independence. Happy birthday, Kosovo! You go(sovo) girl! That was a terrible joke. An absolutely terrible joke. We’re ashamed of ourselves, so much that we’re just going to end today’s Life, Death and Violence right here without so much as a witty conclusion paragraph.

Oh! We couldn’t do that to you! You’re so special to us. Our readers? Hot. Dolphins? Not (but they sure are pretty cool!)

*Necrophilia is not sexy.
**We’re French and Irish. We’re allowed to make fun of those two nationalities as much as we please, thank you very much.

CALL US JOSEPH!

Life, Death and Violence: A Study of February 16

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Good morning little birds!

Today on Life, Death and Violence: Animals! Animals are so precious, except, well, when they’re not. Then they’re not precious. One would not consider the vampire bat or the honey badger to be precious animals, we would suppose. Puppies are precious. Baboons are not. Puppies in teacups broke PreciousMeter, the site used to rank preciousness. Precious views are down, but that’s not accurate because the new ~~redesign~~ precious levels are just so perfectly precious that PreciousMeter just can’t compute those figures.

LIFE! (or, how we learned to stop worrying and give birth in a teacup)

1804: Jules Janin: Mr. Janin wrote a book called The Dead Donkey and the Guillotined Woman. We here at LD&V had hoped to find out what this amazingly titled book was about, but there seems to be nothing to find other than that it is French horror (frenetique) and that Janin had originally planned the novel as a spoof of the genre, but then fell in love with it and, so, we present to you, an imagining of The Dead Donkey and the Guillotined Woman: A Comedy

Priest: Do you have any final words?

Guilltoned Woman: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I have killed that donkey over there .

SLICE! The guillotined woman is beheaded.

Guillotined Woman: I knew I should have held on to my hat.

FIN

Note: Jules Janin was really fat. Evidence:

1834: Ernst Haeckel: This German biologist, zoologist and philosopher is responsible for such liberal buzzwords like “ecology,” “phylum” and “recapitulation theory.” Burn the witch, we say! He also painted some pretty paintings of animals that we’re pretty sure we saw in ZooBooks when we were 8.

1941: HAPPY BIRTHDAY KIM JONG IL! We can’t believe you’re only 70! Shame you’re no longer the sexiest age possible like Dear Leader Bloomberg (69). We just sent you a bottle of Johnny Walker Blue and a bobblehead in your image. Here’s hoping it gets through your borders. Remember Kim, don’t arrest the messengers or else they won’t give you the bobblehead. You’ve been asking for it all year, so just do us this one favor.

1959: Speaking of vicious animals with short tempers, a big happy birthday also goes out to John McEnroe, the performance artist credited with founding the Anger at Tennis Balls submovement of 1980s Absurdism. Happy Birthday John! Can’t wait for your MoMA retrospective (or are you going to be at New Museum?)
1967: Like animals, sometimes people just aren’t loved as much as others of their kind. Case and point: Keith Gretzky. We didn’t even know Wayne had a brother, but, then again, we were never huge Gretzky fans mainly because we always got lost in Steve Yzerman’s eyes.

DEATH! (or, how we learned to stop worrying and just succumb to that Spanish Flu)

No one cool or animal related died today, sadly. We do however, have Russian ingénues, French writers (but those die every minute, right!?), Roman emperors, a great American artist and English soap manufacturers! It all sounds so exciting! If we were you, we’d definitely pull up a chair and pay attention.

307: Flavius Valerius Severus: And they said Albus Severus had a bad name! Flavius was emperor of the Roman Empire for a few months before he was murdered like a dog. He was a commoner who rose through the ranks, which is probably why he was murdered although some sources say that he was forced to commit suicide.
1844: Joseph Crosfield: He made soap. Here’s a picture of him:

1917: Octave Mirbeau: Journalist, travel writer, art critic, novelist, playwright. We think he died from an accidental Adderall overdose (can that happen?). He was an advocate of Van Gogh when it wasn’t cool to like Van Gogh, making him an early adopter of the hipster movement. He’d probably be all over Ann Liv Young today, or maybe not since she’s mildly popular. Anyways, he wrote some good stuff that’s still popular and he’s never been out of print. You go Mirbeau!
1919: Vera Khlodnaya: The first Russian silent film star. Only five of her estimated 50-100 films survive. She’s pretty and she died of Spanish Flu during the Great Pandemic of 1919

1990: Keith Haring: That guy who did those outlines died due to complications related with AIDS. Seriously though, we think this is the saddest death today because Keith Haring’s really cool and we totally went as one of his outlines for Halloween last year (amongst other costumes)

VIOLENCE! (or, how we learned to stop worrying and love the jihad)

Hezbollah was founded in 1982 sparking decades of violence and war in the Middle East (well, more so than would have occurred without them).
BOOM! BANG! SHOOT EM UP! Bombs explode and gunfire is released upon the government headquarters of Uzbekistan in an assassination attempt on the Uzbekistani president. We always thought former Soviet Bloc countries had a weird way of partying like it’s 1999.
Also in 1999, Kurdish rebels take over a variety of European embassies after Turkey holds hostage one of the rebel leaders. Said rebel leader is pictured below.

OTHER NEAT THINGS THAT HAPPENED! (or, how we learned to stop worrying and let our toddlers watch Coupling)

1899 – Knattsprynufelag Reykjavikur, Iceland”s first football club is founded. We’ll give 500 monopoly dollars to the first person who can prove that they can pronounce that.
1923: King Tut’s tomb is discovered
1957: The Toddler Truce is abolished! This was a mandatory rule that the British government had placed upon the television corporations that their could be zero programming between the hours of 6p and 7p so that children could be put to bed before the grown up shows came on. We don’t know who the British government thought was going to be in bed that early, but it certainly wasn’t rambunctious little babies like us! We were baby geniuses who had to be up all night working with Toddler’s First Chemistry Lab. Mom would never buy us cesium and we’re still mad about that even though we don’t like science anymore.

2005: The NHL SHUT DOWN and announced the complete cancellation of the 2004-2005 season after months of lockouts. We were devastated by this news as we’re huge Red Wings fans and everyone knows that the Wings are the best and don’t you even DARE to suggest otherwise. WE THROW OCTOPI ONTO THE ICE. OCTOPI! Hardcore. OKAY!? GO WINGS! Go hockey in general, really. Hot, burly men on ice beating each other up with their sticks while chasing some rubber is great television in our eyes. Our father likes it for different reasons, however. Still, hockey is awesome.

That’s all folks. See you next time on Life, Death and Violence. We’re going to go take a trip on Memory Lane with our stash of ZooBooks*. To be honest, we’ll probably order a t-shirt with a toucan on it as well to, you know, wear ironically.

*That Panda is stressing! This is how happy pandas become sad pandas.

Life, Death and Violence: A Study of February 15

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It’s New Music Tuesday so we here at LD&V are introducing a new feature: Flashback Tuesdays. Our first pick is the number one song the week of February 15, 1986: How Will I Know? by the one and only Whitney Houston.

LIFE! (Coperni’NO HE DIDN’T!)

Today is a popular day for popular people to be born.

1564- Galileo Galilee: The famed astronomer who championed Copernicanism (Earth revolves around the Sun) and was placed under house arrest during the Inquisition because of it is also the star of a really fantastic play by Bertol Brecht*. He also continued the development of the telescope based on Dutch schematics, developed the microscope and was responsible for a number of technological and scientific advances. He would have been pardoned and been granted a life of freedom had he recanted his views at his hearing, but the man stuck to his guns, which is incredibly noble and brave.

1710: King Louis XV of France: He’s basically the cause for the French Revolution.
1820: Susan B. Anthony: Women can vote because of the efforts of this magnificent lady, but, tragically, she died 13 years before the passage of the 19th Amendment in 1919.
1954: Matt Groening: Created the Simpsons and will always have a special place in our hearts, even if the show has been on for about ten seasons too long.
1955: Janice Dickinson: Just look at her.

1964: Chris Farley: Beloved American Comedian
1980: Conor Oberst: Lead singer of Bright Eyes, lust object for every emo girl and gay boy from the ages of 14-21 (though we liked him better with the shorter hair)

DEATH! (It’s sad)

Today’s deathday is overshadowed by one huge name, Nat King Cole, one of the greatest vocalists of the jazz and big band eras. He was a three pack a day smoker which led to his early demise at the tender age of forty-five. We’ll let the music speak for itself.

VIOLENCE! (ZING! BANG! BOOM! POW! ZAP!)

1898: SHOOT EM UP! BANG! BOOM! The USS Maine exploded off the coast of Havana, Cuba, causing the United States to declare war on Spain. The Americans would win, granting Cuban independence as well as effectively destroying the once mighty Spanish Empire. Yellow Journalism also played a heavy role in swaying public opinion during the war and shaping the American national identity. This is the war that brought the Americans to the forefront of interfering in global affairs as before, it was primarily a country in isolation, warring only with those that infringed upon its borders. With Cuban independence came great economic gains to American interests (at least until the Cuban Embargo) and, ironically, to Spain as well as Spanish companies in the Americas went back and invested in the Iberian Peninsula.
2003: 600 cities worldwide united in peaceful protest against the Iraq War.

OTHER NEAT THINGS THAT HAPPENED! (They’re neat. Trust us)

1758: Mustard is introduced paving the way for developments that would mark President Obama an elitist for preferring the far superior dijon variety.
1897: The Oscilloscope was invented, making it far easier to tune our instruments. That is, if we played any. I mean, there was that brief stint with the violin a few years back, but that didn’t go nearly as well as we’d hoped so we just gave up. Honest though, we don’t give up on everything. Just instruments. And bad dates.
1903: The best thing to happen to toys before Bakelite™.

1955: Diamonds are a girls best friend, but cubic zirconia turned out to be a lot lighter on the wallet.
1972: William Kolff patented the artificial heart, saving millions of future lives in the process. He would also develop the kidney dialysis machine making him a medical wizard in our eyes. Team Kolff! (we imagine ourselves saying later in life when we’re old and frail instead of young and spry)
2005: YouTube was launched, killing the illusion that we could properly manage our time.

Thank you for joining us once again in this fantastic world of ours. Until next time, remember, diamonds last forever, but you can’t eat them or cubic zirconia (and you’re just cheap if you’re going to be buying us the fake stuff. Just go to the mall and get something low carat and cheap).

Besides, the way to our heart is with food. We’ll take a patty melt with a side of fries and a Faygo Rock N’ Rye**, please.

*Seriously though. Read Life of Galileo. It’s a great play.

**We are aware that that billboard advertises RedPop!, but it’s the same brand and Rock N’ Rye is just better, okay!? Foodie regionalism is fun.