The magical process of presidential sausage making has begun! Let’s look at the results of the Iowa caucus. On the Democratic side, all in all, this was not the best of times for Martin O’Malley, the Baltimore Beefcake. These last few days have been times of lonely desperation, wandering through snowy wastes chasing distant shadowy voters. Fortunately for us, he documented it all on Twitter, the most poignant of social media.
There was supposed to be a rally at a middle school in Davenport. Davenport’s a pretty big place by Iowa standards. There were sure to be some voters who would embrace his hip “I’m Not Old” message. Alas…
…there was naught but mockery from Hillary Clinton.
“Thanks a lot, Iowa” were actually Edmund Muskie’s last words. They would not be Martin O’Malley’s. 
Someday there will be a nice statue of him somewhere in Baltimore, with the words “OH GOD I DON’T WANT TO DIE HERE IN THE SNOW LIKE AN ANIMAL” carved into the marble. Perhaps Hillary Clinton will mockingly live-blog its installation. Farewell, Martin O’Malley. I’m sure some Iowa pig farmer will find your bones come the spring thaw.
So, you didn’t have to stay up late to find out poor old Martin O’Malley DIDN’T win. But who DID? Hillary Clinton started the day pretty confident.
As the evening wore on, confidence faded into the kind of exasperation that can only be felt at a second fucked-up coronation. Shouty old Bernie Sanders said it was a tie, Hillary said it was a win. Oh for fucks sake, Iowa, indeed.
Next time, the Republicans:
- Oh, Canada!
- Trump, Trump, Trump against the dying of the light
- A surprising number of Iowans try on a JC Penney’s Boy’s Department Empty Suit
The Over-Pig decides!
