Berf. Like seriously, what are people thinking? Yes, we know Pinterest is the bestest most spectacular website for finding anything from teeny, tiny bedazzled baby shoes, mason jar centerpieces, to, I dunno! Button bracelets or two Chihuahuas sitting in a small pink roadster! Don’t ask. But did you know some of the most disgusto recipes we’ve come across in a long time happen to live there? And by live there, we mean slowly mutating, replicating and plotting to destroy the world with its noxious ingredients and frankly, mockery of all things edible? Like the Crescent Taco Bake shown above. No, we’re not kidding. Follow after the jump if you dare.
Taking a gander at horriblepinterestrecipes.tumblr.com, which is fabulously run by Cunning_Linguist, is like viewing the bizarro version of Better Homes & Gardens, if that version was called, Nasty Crap & Slop Cracklins . It is literally like a tour of the worst box top recipes from 1967 mixed with the creative nuance seen only in an episode of Semi-Homemade featuring Sandra Lee, the Food Network star and huckster of abhorrent canned goods with smallish amounts of homemade ingredients that collide in a crap sack of inedible mania! Canned soups! Pillsbury Crescent Rolls! Cream cheese coming out of every conceivable bread orifice! This is what you get when some folks just run wild on Pinterest posting any old willy nilly meatloaf thingie piled high with perhaps potatoes, or maybe it’s custard? Either way there’s a meat corpse emerging from the top. And this is just the tip of the ice berg.
Each posted item features a bit of humorous commentary which basically asks, as we all do, why the current item exists, who it’s made for, and what its use is. All important things, but if we could make a small suggestion, each item should probably also have a destruction category like: 1) Eat sadly at 2am. (Hey, we have to be fair.) 2) Flush it down a bus potty to be left on the highway 3) Throw it at Daniel Tosh 4) Kill it with fire 5) Lob it at Mitt Romney’s summer home 6) Nuke it from space.
The most worrisome thing is that these recipes are shared and “pinned” with the same manner of Squee that’s usually reserved for fabulous design aesthetics and cute, baby monkeys or whatever. Like this Cowboy Caviar uses Fritos and what appears to be some sort of yuck sauce festooned with liberal amounts of corn and death. Who eats this? WHO?! And how does it have 15 Likes and 80 repins on Pinterest? Has Armageddon happened? Is it either this or cannibalism, because frankly give me some bath salts and my good gnawing knife.
To our surprise when viewing the site, our very own “SpeakerNewt” created by the honorable Cletar commented about it on his website, speakernewt.tumblr:
God of my fathers. Even I would not consume this. This recipe MAKES ME BLOAT WITH OUTRAGE.
Oh, Newt. So true. Your maw could not withstand it.
From there on the site, it’s just a bevy of lunacy.
Cinnamon Cream Cheese Rolls
The recipe as follows:
Get some fucking Wonder Bread and cut those disgusting crusts off, jesus. Slather as much cream cheese and you can stomach and roll that shit up. Can you quit hogging the fucking joint? Anyway, roll that, ummm, roll in some fucking melted butter (not that I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter shit that your mom keeps in the fridge, lamewad) and then dip that shit in cinnamon, powdered sugar, and some fucking cane sugar. You don’t have cane sugar? What are you, some kind of fucking savage? Who the fuck doesn’t steal Sugar in the Raw packets from Starbucks, you worthless piece of shit? I don’t even know why I hang out with you sometimes.
Cream cheese pickles
Corned beef, cream cheese, pickle. This recipe is literally one-third cream cheese. I hope you remember my warnings about cream cheese.
And finally…
Witchy Fingers
This woman was making these for kindergarteners.
DED. There are cookies that look like disembodied, hacked with a hack saw, fingers. Yep, that’s what you’re looking at.
