At some point, someone, somewhere said that failed Republican presidential candidate, “Herman Cain is the gift that keeps on giving,” and there is no truer statement than that.
Just when you thought he was gone, poof!, from the national stage and jettisoned to a new life full of speaking engagements at Right Wing fringe rallies, pundit gigs on crazy shout-box, Fox News, or as an author of a nonsensical, but comedic tome about taking back the country, here Cain emerges with CainTV a thing of such incredulous hilarity and all around gobsmacking lunacy that it can only be seen to be believed. (Seriously, this is something you’ll want to send to everyone you know.) The Huffington Post calls the trailer for the Cain TV web-TV station, “the most unbelievably incredible thing ever to hit our screens.” Cain set about creating a web-TV network that would be akin to whatever nuttery Glen Beck siphons out of his brain and throws onto his web-TV station, GBTV. We didn’t know GBTV existed. Why was there no parade or flambéing of the Constitution in its honor?
Cain’s venture promises:
“Whether you are looking for commentary, comedy, or culture, CainTV delivers it all in an Informed, Inspirational, and INtertaining way.”
INtertaining? INTERTAINING?! Oh, this is going to be awesome.
Because this is Herman Cain we’re talking about the opening of the trailer sounds like a horror movie. Like he’s literally waiting to violently implore you watch his web-TV shit-o-thon or else. “Cain TV Is Real American Everything!” it screams! And then we get to the good stuff, the vignettes of upcoming CainTV programs starring people you’ve never, ever seen before.
Here are the highlights.
- A guy angry about birth control uses a pathetically odd attempt at mocking Sandra Fluke to make his points while appearing like a floating peeping-tom apparition.
- Lewis Brown, who comments on Hilary Clinton from his perch on an egg crate — or a cinder block, while standing in front of a garage door, or a random wall on a street corner — lets us know, “my mouth don’t write checks that my ass can’t cash.”
- We find out scarily! doomsily! about terrorists at the border, and feel strongly that the guy in the baseball cap will do something about it! Or maybe he’ll just complain to Herman Cain.
- A cartoon with Ronald Reagan and President Obama talks about government spending which then cuts into an inexplicable shot of an animated dollar bill featuring Obama that says, “I WANT YOUR MONEY” which is the title of another show on the station. Really, we have no idea what any of this means. The confusion is great. Maybe this is all part of Cain’s great plan? Confusion than conquer? Scream at Liberals and then a nap?
- “A Uniquely American Look At Hypocrisy” discusses Al Gore, The Kennedys, Noam Chomsky, Michael Moore, Bert & Ernie, The Wrath of Khan, and Chicken Potpie. Whatever. We thought it was about storm chasers.
- FAMILY is a cartoon about a bunch of dinosaurs who celebrate American holidays like Thanksgiving. Naturally, Thanksgiving, because this meld of two totally different eras in the evolution of the planet totally happened simultaneously!
- FUNNY STUFF is a comedy show, we guess, starring an unknown person named KIVI who says he’ll make fun of us and then proceeds to insist that he’s really very funny before humming an unknown tune, perhaps “Imagine if There Was No Pizza?” and doing a little “ants in his pants” dance. Is this Herman Cain’s son or another relative? Seriously?! WHAT ELSE COULD THIS BE?
- There’s another cartoon, because Herman Cain is nothing if not an animated shouty bunch of pixels.
- CIVIC SESSIONS appears to be a serious survey show where people are asked if Saddam Hussein is alive and if Barry Manilow has ever been to the Copacabana. No, not really the latter, but it makes about the same amount of sense.
Of course we end with Herman Cain, the Teflon Don himself, who maybe stars in a show called WE ARE NOT STUPID. That’s not totally clear. No matter. He quotes how Ben Franklin called democracy “a well-armed lamb.” To that, Cain says, “Let’s give a lamb a gun! I’m Herman Cain. We are not stupid.”
We have no idea if the words in all caps are show titles or categories. No one knows! It’s wacky Herman Cain! It’s all a nutty bag of peanuts wrapped in breathtakingly stupid inanity called CainTV! Watch it now! (or don’t ever) This is what you’ve wrought, Republicans! Be proud. Be fearless. Be spectacularly insane. Romney/Cain 2012!
