The Hollywood Caller: Nic Cage Won’t Be Stopped…Ever

Nic Cage still has an agent; The Avengers to do what successful movies do…have a baby; and so will Vince Vaughn — about 533 of them; NBC to never be original again; Fox News and Gary Busey, that is all; and Zooey Deschanel talks dirty.

Holy hair of suck! Nic Cage and Johnny Knoxville, who we imagine crawled out of a flying Port-O-Potty after some Jackass stunt, have been tapped to star in a movie. No, not in a joke about movies that include how horrible Nic Cage is, and the fact that his hair is a bird. No an actual motion picture. So that’s fabulous. Kind of like facial warts. This grand Lionsgate produced “thespian” nightmare will be called Wild Side, because it stars two non-existent actors who’ll lope around in an action film about diamond heists, debutantes, and I dunno, hair grease and chicken feathers, while they attempt to elude police down in the Ole Big Easy. This sounds like the kind of movie you’ll find in the Rite Aid $3.99 bin in a package deal that includes Captain Corelli’s Mandolin and The Dukes of Hazzard, both serving as the pinnacle of these two mega stars’ careers. No, not really. But there’s no way Wild Side will be anything more than a waste of everyone’s time. Unless you’re Johnny Knoxville and Nic Cage, because it proves both still have a pulse. [Deadline]

Speaking of people who are cashing in on their eye-bags, Vince Vaughn, who looks like a re-animated corpse, is in negotiations to star in Starbuck, which makes perfect sense. Someone really should create a movie for Vaughn that involves caffeine. Is he in a perpetual hyperbaric sleep chamber now? Really though, we don’t know or care why it’s really called Starbuck, since the premise is about a “middle-aged man whose life is turned upside down when he learns he has fathered 533 children through sperm donation.” So it has something to do with the very special contents of a Starbucks cup? Ok, no. That’s probably not it. It’s a DreamWorks remake of a 2011 French-Canadian comedy, so maybe it’s really cool and chic, which most things would be if they don’t star Vince Vaughn. [THR]

Well, this should surprise no one. I mean this is like the epitome of saying water is wet. Yes, there will be an Avengers sequel. If the record-breaking success wasn’t a big enough clue, or the little teasers hidden at the end of the movie, or the fact that it’s been Avengers A-GaGa for the last month or so — well, I dunno — anyone who didn’t see this coming probably lives in a cave with bears or something. Disney is excited and heaping big praise on Marvel for doing what that John Carter, man from Space Egypt Town, or whatever, was unable to do. Ha! Yeah, Disney, no one cared about your movie about space janitors! Maybe you can put that guy in the Avengers sequel as maybe Scarlett Johansson’s gun holster designer. Avengers Assemble Again! [Deadline]

So, the NBC pick ups are in full swing. They’ve picked up its fourth and fifth comedy for the 2012-2013 season. 1600 Penn is being billed as Modern Family but set in the White House! Everyone is zany and jazzy, and oh, so very funny. Imagine all those family antics. Oh, ho! You just won’t believe what Phil Dunphey gets into now that he’ll be renamed something else on NBC! Uh-oh, prepare for all kinds of misunderstanding and tense faces from the blond mom in the family, but this time she’ll be played by Jenna Elfman. So that sounds terrific and original. It’s like they sent away for a Modern Family decoder ring with ten cereal boxtops. In addition to this sure to be comedy of doppelganger errors, they’ve also picked up something called Animal Practice, which get this, is about a House-like veterinarian (Justin Kirk) who loves animals but typically hates their owners. Well, that is just awesome. Well, why just have one surly doctor in the world of make-believe when you can ostensibly have two? Let’s just cover our bets, NBC. What say you and me put together a show about a swanky Greeting Card company set in the 1960’s? We’ll smoke cigarettes, comb our hair over to the side, don fancy pocket squares, you name it. We’ll call it, Poem Pompadours. Ooo, ooo, wait, what about a totally fictional, fantasy story about seven kingdoms called Rubik’s Cube of Swords? Call my agent. We’ll set it up. [THR]

Rage demon and news anchor, Bret Baier, from the flinging monkey-poo network, Fox News, has signed a new deal. He’ll helm the 2012 presidential election this year and the one in 2016 from inside The Rapture. Liar Fox News chairman and CEO Roger Ailes said, “Bret’s tough but fair approach to journalism has made him one of the most trusted news anchors in the industry and an integral part of FNC’s success.” You Lie! [Deadline]

Today in Gary Busey musings: He’s apparently in the sequel to Piranha 3DD which we can only imagine is about fish with breast implants. In a recent interview promoting the “movie” he thinks you should all come out and see it because it’s really about fashion or something. “See the movie so you won’t see piranhas showing up at your house dressed how they want to dress,” he said before adding, “just watch the damn movie.” Then he rambles on about an acronym for the word “f.a.r.t.”, admits that he doesn’t know what he’s talking about, and makes this apt prediction, “You’ll probably be writing me a fan letter asking me to get out of the business,” he suggests. “But I’m not going anywhere.” This sounds like a threat. [THR]

Zooey Deschanel, rain-spotter, shoe-refuser, and banjo dancer, is well known for her oddball New Girl quirk, especially when it comes to talking about the sexytimes. After all, there’s nothing better than awkward talk about sexytimes. Vulture, those little sex nymphs, have put together this needless, but interesting, video short of all of Zooey’s sex euphemisms. We have no idea why this exists, but it does, so here you go. [Vulture]

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