Dear Andrew Luck,
You don’t know me, but I know you. As a matter of fact, I know more about you than is probably healthy or not weird, considering we’ve never met, nor are likely to.
Tomorrow night, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell will go on stage at Radio City Music Hall in New York City, and a member of the Indianapolis Colts organization will hand him a card with your name on it. He will stand before God and the World and announce that with the first overall pick in the 2012 NFL Draft, the Indianapolis Colts select Andrew Luck, Quarterback, Stanford University.
Someone will hand you a hat and a jersey. Put on the hat. You will walk on stage, smile, give the Commish a hug, and hold up the speed blue Colts jersey with the big #1 on it. After that, you’re gonna get in a car to go to an airport and get on a private plane owned by your new boss, Jim Irsay, who’s gonna fly you to Indianapolis where first time Head Coach Chuck Pagano and first time General Manager Ryan Grigson will introduce you to the City and Media of Indianapolis as the Indianapolis Colts’ starting quarterback.
So, if you fuck up, you’re probably not only costing yourself, but also your head coach and your GM their jobs. No pressure.
Now, we can’t talk about you without talking about the guy whose shoes, or more specifically helmet, you’re filling, because he left behind a very, very large helmet. I’m talking, of course, about Peyton Manning: Indianapolis Football Jesus.
For over a decade, Peyton Manning has been Indianapolis Football Jesus. He is the one and only reason the Colts aren’t playing in Los Angeles, and that you’ll be playing your home games in a $750 million stadium. It is, quite literally, the House That Peyton Built. However, he’s in Denver now, cleared out to make room for you and a bunch of other youngsters. With Peyton, this team has been a winning machine for over a decade, winning one Super Bowl and going to another. We here in Indianapolis don’t like losing. We don’t tolerate it. You get a grace period, because we’re smart fans and we know it takes time to rebuild. Right now the Colts are top dogs here in town, but getting there took the Pacers getting assfucked by David Stern to accomplish. If you’re not cranking out 10 win plus seasons by year three, this city is gonna turn on you like a rabid raccoon.
No pressure or anything there, either.
Indianapolis is a lovely city; there’s plenty to do, places to go, food to eat. I recommend you stop at St. Elmo’s sometime. The cops are kind of dicks (just ask Pat McAfee), so if you’re gonna drink, take a cab. Also, the sports media are dicks too (just ask Pat McAfee), especially Bob Kravitz. Do yourself a favor: never ever pay attention to Bob Kravitz. For that matter, you probably shouldn’t read the Indy Star at all. Not that it’s not a good newspaper, it’s just that you REALLY shouldn’t pay attention to Bob Kravitz.
Supposedly, when Peyton went out downtown, he would always wear his jersey, because no one would ask a guy wearing a Peyton Manning jersey if he’s Peyton Manning. Just something to consider if you’re gonna be walking around.
We’re pretty good about respecting your privacy around here. We’re friendly folk. You shouldn’t get mobbed or harassed. Just be smart and keep your nose clean. It helps if you do commercials. We fucking love that shit.
Did I mention Peyton Manning built a children’s hospital? I’m not saying you have to build a children’s hospital right away, but in about ten to twelve years, you may want to start thinking about it.
The Colts picked you first overall because you’re the best quarterback in the draft. Hell, you’re supposed to be the best quarterback since Indianapolis Football Jesus himself. You’re coming to a young team with some good players. You can win here, and when you do we will love you for it. Especially if that winning involves beating the Patriots, Steelers, Chargers, Jaguars, Texans, and Titans. Also, if you beat the Broncos with You-Know-Who under center, we will make you New Indianapolis Football Jesus.
Welcome to Indianapolis, Andrew, and good luck. You’re gonna need it.
Sincerely,
An Indianapolis Colts Fan
