Yesterday was one of the most hilarious days in Crasstalk history, thanks to the fine contributions of you crazy kids. And well, we couldn’t have done it without the one and only MonkeyBiz.
So for those of you who missed it, here’s what went down.
Yesterday afternoon in the Open Thread, Monkey alerted us that he’s dealing with roommate drama. Hey, we’ve all been there!
One of my housemates sent me an dickish email this morning after he was already safely on the other side of the country (he’s a consultant).
It is taking all my willpower to not dump Leo’s entire litterbox on his bed when I get home.
I sent him a very calm and measured email in reply, in which I responded to his grievances, relayed my own, and did my best to not break down and just type “Fuck you, you narcissistic self-righteous country trash asshole.” over and over again.
I hate being so mature.
MonkeyBiz and maturity are a natural fit, so of course we wanted to know more. With the gentle prodding of Alluson and EthologyNerd, MB was generous enough to share with us the email he received from his roommate.
“I don’t appreciate your rudeness, specifically talking about you slamming the door in my face last night. Not sure why you feel it is acceptable to behave on this manor, but it need to stop.
Like I hate you with such great fervor but still don’t treat you in this manor. Literally, I can’t see one redeeming thing about you and yet I try to live peaceably with you. Yet you feel it is appropriate to say things like “I’ll stab you if you don’t do the dishes”.
Not sure I can take too much more of this, please avoid me as I do you and refrain from being a raging dickhead please.
Thanks!
Sent from my iPhone”
I particularly enjoyed the “Sent from my iPhone” tag line. It’s the perfect way to punctuate any insult letter!
Then we got to read Monkey’s response to aforementioned correspondence. (It was so TL:DR that it couldn’t even fit in one IntenseDebate comment.)
And my reply with names changed and capitalized:
“Sorry it’s taken me so long to respond; I wanted to take some time to cool off and approach this from a constructive perspective, rather than just send you a long email of invectives, which admittedly would make me feel a lot better but accomplish very little.
Since you feel comfortable airing your grievances with me in this manner, I’d like to share mine. I’ve copied LANDLORD ROOMMATE as well, just so everything is out in the open.
– I consider Common Areas to be COMMON areas. They are not a repository for luggage, shoes, clothes, computers, or any other items to just leave around. I know I am not perfect in this area; I leave the hookah and my lunchbox out, which is why I don’t make a big deal about this. However, I do take issue when things like jeans, swimsuits, shorts, etc. are left draped over chairs for days and weeks at a time.
– The reason I will occasionally get on your case (although I’ve made an effort to be more tolerant in this regard) about dishes is that when I dirty a dish, I can clean it at any time, whether it’s today, tomorrow, or three days from now. You, on the other hand, leave dirty dishes (frequently my dishes) in the sink on Sunday, fly off to wherever on Monday, and don’t get back until Thursday or Friday. That means someone either has to clean them while you are out of town, or leave them there until you get back. Neither is a good solution.
– For the record, I have no problem with ROOMMATE’S GIRLFRIEND or ROOMMATE’S GIRLFRIEND’S DOG (that’s the dog’s name, right?) coming over. However, I would have appreciated you ASKING me if it was okay if ROOMMATE’S GIRLFRIEND’S DOG came over. I would have said “Sure, that’s fine.” and appreciated the gesture. Instead, you TOLD me that ROOMMATE’S GIRLFRIEND’S DOG was coming over. Part of my renter’s agreement with LANDLORD ROOMMATE includes a pet fee and pet deposit. Consequently, one could make the argument that I pay rent on Leo’s behalf, which makes him a defacto fourth roommate. I expect you to treat him the same as you would treat a fourth roommate.
– On the issue of Leo, I really don’t appreciate the casual disregard you have for my cat’s safety and well-being. I understand that Leo can be difficult at times; he frustrates me too from time to time. But, he is my cat and I care for him a great deal. Last Sunday you left the living room door open for an indeterminate amount of time, then closed my bedroom door. Leo’s food, water, and litterbox are all upstairs, which he cannot access if my door is closed. Leo is also an explorer and likes to wander around outside, and he’s discovered at least three ways of escaping the back yard. After I came downstairs, I spent two hours looking for Leo, and thankfully found him. As you can imagine, that wasn’t exactly my gameplan for 11pm on a Sunday night. The reason I slammed the living room door yesterday was because I have warned you about this previously; you did not observe me fix it, and it would have taken you about two seconds to observe that it was not fixed (the rubber strip and the screen were both hanging out) and acted appropriately, i.e. not leave the door open. However, I do apologize for slamming the door; I let my concern over Leo’s safety get the better of me.
– On the issue of my bedroom door, I installed that (with LANDLORD ROOMMATE’S help) so that I might have some privacy, not so you could wall me off from the rest of the house. If you have an issue with noise, please say something as I’m usually pretty accommodating, rather than closing my door.
– And finally, on the issue of food, please clean up food bits after you cook something. I’m not saying you have to do the dishes right then and there; I am certainly guilty of this. Food bits are something else altogether. For example, you made a pizza on Saturday. You were the last person to use the oven. In the course of making that pizza, you left some kind of food behind in the oven, which, when LANDLORD ROOMMATE attempted to use it on Sunday afternoon to make biscuits and gravy, resulted in quite a bit of smoke. Smoke rises; my room happens to be the highest point in the house, so naturally the smoke rose to there, rendering it uninhabitable for at least an hour while it cleared out. You have done the same thing with the grill; when you’re done cooking, scrape it off.
When I originally floated the idea of moving in to LANDLORD ROOMMATE’S, I extended invitations to both of you to come to my previous residence. LANDLORD ROOMMATE took me up on the offer on several occasions; you did not. Had you taken me up on the offer, you might have had a better idea what living with me was going to be like, and would have been able to make other arrangements. You chose not to, and here we are.
I’d like you to understand where I’m coming from. I’m the only person that “lives” in the house full time. You’re in town for 72 to 96 hours at a time, and then you’re off to wherever again. LANDLORD ROOMMATE works two 24 hour shifts a week. I, on the other hand, work a 9-to-5. What you do during those 72-96 hours has repercussions throughout the remainder of the week that I have to live with.
I know that I’m not perfect, and have made an effort to adapt my habits and expectations to make myself a better roommate. However, these things are not one sided. I need you to meet me halfway.
For the record, I have nothing against you as a person. I consider your dedication to physical fitness and personal health admirable, and wish I had a similar quality. Moreover, I know how difficult your job is, having been in consulting before, and I can understand why your stress level might be high. And finally, I respect your commitment to self-improvement, not just physically, but mentally as well.
However, if you want to have a constructive dialogue with someone, it’s generally advisable to use their first name, proper grammar, spelling, and punctuation, and avoid insulting the recipient. My name is MONKEY, not “BIZ”, and I would prefer to be addressed as such. The word is “manner”, not “manor”, although I suppose in context manor makes sense, at least the first time, but is probably not the word you’re looking for. You also probably want to pluralize “need” as “needs”. Starting a sentence with “Like” is fine for a speaker as a filler word or interjection, but reflects poorly on the writer. And finally, saying you hate me, can’t see one redeeming thing about me, and calling me a raging dickhead are almost surefire ways of getting my dander up, which is probably something you want to avoid as you won’t be home until Thursday and I know where you keep all your stuff. Just to be clear, that isn’t a threat; having been through that situation in college, I am not about to visit that particular brand of misery on anyone else. Just saying, you should be considerate of what avenues of action are available to the people to which you speak, as not everyone’s better angels are as good as mine.
I am more than happy to discuss any of these issues with you in person, should you desire. I am also happy to spend all week exchanging emails hashing things out. And as always, you have the option of giving LANDLORD ROOMMATE your 30 days notice and moving out at anytime if you feel as though continuing to live with me would be an untenable situation for you.
I eagerly await your response.
Sincerely,
Monkey Biz
The slamming doors! The threats to stab! The emotional needs of his cat! In terms of overall butthurtness and blind devotion to his cat Leo, MonkeyBiz surely cannot ever be topped. Luckily, you wacky kids captured the moment with a few image macros.
From Alluson:
From BaldwinP:
From Marmalade Teardrops:
From Alluson:
More from BaldwinP:
Dancing Queen:
And my personal favorite, a MonkeyBiz-owns-a-hot-tub joke from Marmalade Teardrops:
