Previously on Dance Moms! There were dark and scary clowns! Melissa threatened to sue everyone! Are you ready for more dancing and more drama? I know I am! Head bobble with me after the break.
The girls walk in to the dance studio, and once again, Paige’s hair is jacked. Moms, sit down with me. The side pony tail was not cute when you did it back in 198something or other, and it’s not cute now. Just stop. Abby gives us a rundown of how everyone sucked, except Maddie and we’re onto the Pyramid of Shame. Chloe starts us out on the bottom, for no reason. Sure, Abby tries to give us a reason, and makes herself sound like the Pick Up Artist, aka Chloe needs to push herself so I’m going to put her on the bottom so that she has a reason to work harder, as opposed to go into a funk because I’m not explaining this to her. Nia’s on the bottom because the trio sucked, and Paige just isn’t giving us enough something which is never really explained. In the middle, we have Chips, who needs to work more, but is doing well, or came out of Melissa or something, and Brooke, about whom Abby can’t find anything to say. Maddie’s on top, because if there’s anything this show does well, it’s beating a dead horse. We find out that a scout from the Joffrey Ballet School will be there (Hi! Ms. Liz!), and everyone’s excited. I’m wondering if this is going to be like the “Telsey” Broadway scout, who was really just an intern. We move on to the group number, which is going to be about plastic surgery, which is something the moms keep making cracks about and Abby has decided to poke fun at them. Such a healthy working relationship. There will be two trios: Chips, Nia and Paige, and Maddie, Chloe and Brooke. Immediately, Christi makes a point about how this will not be a fair fight, since the two trios are going up against each other, which is cool, since her daughter’s in the one slated to win.
In the Dance Moms Passive Aggressive Lounge, this point is brought up again, as well as the fact that the two trios will not be given equal time to practice, and then when they fail, Abby will blame them, instead of looking at her “two days to rehearse” mentality. Melissa’s not worried, though, but then again, she never is. Kelli switches the conversation to her boobs, or lack of them. She’s been begging her husband to buy her some, because they deflated like a week old balloon, after she had three kids. While they’re discussing their personal flaws, as well as Abby’s, Nia runs in the camera and twists her ankle. Abby, showing an ounce of compassion puts on her squeaky kid voice and stands around asking questions rather then, I don’t know, putting ice on it or something.
We cut to Nia at the doctor, but not Paige’s cute doctor. The doctor says that Nia has a stress fracture, but can still dance. He does say that she should stay away from what everyone’s referring to as “tricks” which irks me because it means that everyone knows that it’s not dancing, just flashy gymnastics thrown in between strutting. Also, I’d like to point out that the Joffrey Ballet (or most ballet schools) isn’t going to care too much about your back flips. It might help, but in the end, it’s not what they’re looking at. But what do I know?
During Maddie’s rehearsal, we get more nonsense about the meaning of the dance and how wonderful Maddie is. Abby gives a big speech about how Maddie has it in her face, and you can tell it when she smizes. Well, you can if you’re a competition judge. That shit doesn’t fly in the ballet world. On the other hand, Chloe isn’t giving Abby what she wants, and Abby stops the practice and tells Chloe to get her shit together. While that happens, Abby drags all the members of her senior company in to watch Maddie dance. Again, more glowing praise of Maddie, including SO many things I don’t see. Up in the DMPAL, Melissa doesn’t understand why everyone’s upset, again. The moms try and say “Um, cause Abby treats your daughter differently than ours,” but Melissa just thinks that everyone’s jealous of her boogie. Christi and Kelli point out that they stand up for each other’s kids and all the other kids in the studio, but Melissa just nods and smiles whenever Abby pulls out her demon teacher routine. Finally, Melissa storms out of the DMPAL, and right into the dance studio and starts complaining to Abby, Maddie and whatever other children happen to make eye-contact, until she flounces from the studio. Again.
Later, the moms head out to lunch and talk about The Pain and the Great One (take your pick as to who is who). The ladies are all feeling defeated, as Maddie’s going to get the best showcase, again, and this Joffrey thing is apparently a Very Big Deal. Holly warns the other moms to keep an eye out because it’s possible that this weekend could get ugly, with Melissa sneaking behind everyone and giving gifts to the judges or something.
We’re on the bus, and I immediately hope the bus driver is a permanent staple on this show, because the first thing out of his mouth is to tell Abby how it’s going to be. She wants them to swing by her house to pick something up and he flat out refuses, and even tells her that HE’S the one driving this large vehicle and he’s not making any side trips. Bus Driver can stay. Afterwards, Melisa, in pure Axis II mode, has brought gifts, including a bra for Kelli. The other moms say this is typical. I say there’s something wrong.
Backstage, Maddie’s nervous, and everyone’s talking about the talent scout, who still hasn’t been given a name. Maddie goes on to do her solo and, for some reason, everyone in the audience is hushed. I imagine there’s some editing and producer interference here, because Maddie’s dancing her little heart out, but she’s also smizing in a number about psychosis, as well as giving us lots and lots of forehead acting (note: I get that she’s nine. I also know what goes into acting and dancing, and while I think she’s good, I don’t see her as the second coming of Margot Fontaine, the way this show is trying to make her into). Melissa, like she does every week, says that this is her favorite dance.
We get a montage of clips of slightly overweight competition girls in way too revealing leotards. EVERYONE is wearing this cut away leotard that doesn’t look good on anyone, and if you have 10-15 extra lbs., it accentuates all the wrong areas, and I want to smack their teachers for putting that out there. The first trio comes out and it’s super girly. Lots of pink and ruffles and holding hands. Abby gives a lackluster “It was good.” The second trio comes in and it’s all capris and bikini tops, and lots and lots of gymnastics. Because that’s what a major ballet school wants to see. Melissa makes a comment about how the dance is age appropriate and I snort derisively. Afterwards, Abby has no feedback for anyone and just kind of grunts. Here’s the thing. Dancers get into this mentality where if the teacher isn’t saying anything, that means they don’t like you, or you’re not showing up on their radar. So, even someone saying “stop sickling your foot” still means “I think you’re worthy of being corrected.” It’s a weird mentality, but it should help explain some of their frustration here. Meanwhile, Abby keeps stopping Chloe, who’s practicing, and does everything to fuck with this girl’s headspace.
Clips of more awkward dancing, and we’re backstage with Chloe. She comes on, and the choreography is just weird and a little flailing, until, towards the end, she forgets where she was at. We get to see this in slow motion about five times, while Abby voices over that this is why she hates watching her kids dance. But then she wouldn’t have any way to read them afterwards. Backstage, Abby uses this as a great opportunity to dig into Nia, and her recent freeze moment. She’s a child whisperer, our Abby Lee Miller. Abby starts going on and on about how in the real world, there’s no second chances or something. Look, lady, these kids are nine, and they’re in Pittsburgh. The only thing you’re really teaching them is to run far far away from the world of dance, because they think everyone’s going to be another you. This might explain why none of your professional former students claim you on their Playbill resumes. . .
The group number and I have no words. It’s weird, and trying to be edgy, without understanding what edgy is, and all I can think about is “This is what you put in front of a genre specific talent scout?” Anyway, the awards. Maddie takes first because she’s Maddie. Chloe doesn’t place because Abby needs something to rage against. The older trio gets first, and Abby FLAT OUT states that the younger trio had a seven year old in it, so what do they expect? YOU’RE THE ONE WHO CREATED IT. The group didn’t place, which gives Abby a chance to yell at everyone for not working as a team, instead of taking this as a time to reflect on her last minute rehearsal schedule. While this is going on, the scout comes in and introduces himself as Brian McSween. I think. Because, you see, Brian McSween is the Associate Director of the Joffrey Ballet, and I have no idea why he’s attending a random competition. Unless the producers are paying VERY well. I can’t find a good Google picture of the guy to match up with the episode, but I’ve asked around, and will keep you posted in the comments. And now we get to the rage inducing moment. He invites the girls all to an open audition for the summer program. OPEN AUDITION. SUMMER PROGRAM. An open audition is just that. It’s open to everyone. You don’t have to be invited, just pay a fee and fill out a form. Secondly, it’s their summer program, which these girls are too young for, unless it’s the ballet camp, which they are too good for. Next, every major school in America has a summer program. ABT, SAB, Joffrey, Houston Ballet, Pittsburgh Ballet, Pacific Northwest, The Bolshoi. . . you name it. It’s a summer program. Yes, I’ve know people who start out in the summer program and stay on for the year round program, but really? This? Not a big deal.
Next week, we head to NYC for the finally, and Abby and Cathy clash in the teeny tiny dance space that is the Joffrey Ballet School. I’ll be taking a walk down memory lane while hurling drunken expletives at my computer. Join me for the big finale (I hope!)
