Previously on Dance Moms! The girls were almost naked and Abby did her best to act out her Gypsy fantasies. In the end, everyone was really uncomfortable and Chloe wore a suit covered in beefy jerky. This week, we’re going to Miami! By the way, have you noticed how Maddie, Chloe and Bitch Mom aren’t in the opening credits? Well, they are, but it’s a blur. Something to think about, while you go to the jump.
Abby gathers the girls around and berates them for getting second place. Somehow, she thinks is the dancers’ fault, because they didn’t point their toes or something, instead of her costumes that made everyone extremely uncomfortable. Anyway, on to the Pyramid of Shame. On the bottom is Chips who needs to be a better actress, because it’s not like she’s 7. Paige joins her since she had way too much spare time and wasn’t DANCE DANCE DANCE all the time. Nia rounds us off because… well, we’re not sure why. She just needs to be more. How very est. On the second tier, we have Chloe, once again, because this never gets old. We also have Brooke, who competed in a much more difficult category, and won against girls who were much older than her. However, she’s not Maddie, who must always cap our pyramid, unless otherwise instructed by the producers.
Afterwards, Abby lets us all know that we’re going to Miami!! Home of dancing! And pool boys! Wait. . what? Of course, Abby, in her “children are really just miniature adults” style of teaching proceeds to give the girls a glowing proclamation of Miami, complete with pool boys, drinks, and Beach Blanket Bingo. Um, I believe that’s Southern California, and if I’m remembering LA correctly, they don’t like being mistaken for the people from America’s wang.
We’re also doing a group number, and the Trio That Will Not Stop. It’s Chloe, Maddie and… Paige. Nia’s face falls, as she’s been really hoping to get that part for a LONG time. I mean, even Kendall was in the trio before Nia, something Holly made Not Kylie VERY aware of. Anyway, Paige might not be able to do it, because she’s having some warts removed from her foot later this week. Gross, but not really. It’s a kid/dancer thing.
We jump right over to Ohio and see Cathy and her newest Candy Apple practicing, and OH MY GOD she’s addressing Kendall’s Lou Ferrigno shoulders! Jill’s excited because Kendall’s dancing is improving, and I’m excited because I love Cathy’s blend of saying something completely rational and then turning around and going bat-shit insane. Like she does when she starts talking about having “big plans” for Kendall, and doing her best to not sound like a Bond villain.
Back to Abby and we find that the 60’s were an era of innocence, and bikinis. I can’t find Abby’s age, but I DID find this picture of her, which says to me that she has a clear enough memory of the 70’s to have some clue that the 60’s were not all Frankie and Annette. Abby also points out that, like the kids in Long Island, the kids in Miami do nothing but dance. I mean, it’s not like there’s performing arts high schools all over the nation or anything.
Up in the Dance Moms Passive Aggressive Lounge, the moms talk about the trio. Holly’s upset because Nia’s NEVER in it, and she’s never been told why, especially since Nia’s a better dancer then Kendall. The other moms talk Holly up and help her make the decision to go confront Abby. Holly enters the classroom while Abby is teaching. This is one of the few times I don’t agree with the moms. Wait till the teacher is done and then approach her off to the side. Of course, this wouldn’t give us as much drama, but there ya go. Abby’s pissed at being interrupted, and pissed that Holly isn’t a mind reader, since Abby has BIG PLANS for Nia, but hasn’t bothered to tell anyone, like Nia, what they are. They include adding her to the trio, if Paige can’t dance, but again, by not telling anyone, she seems like she’s making this up on the spot. She yells a lot, and says that no parent would ever do this to Holly, which is rather funny, since Holly says it happens all the time. Finally she bellows into the night like our favorite Disney Beast and marks her dance studio territory. Holly grabs Nia and runs. Christi and Kelli sit up the in DMPAL and remark that only the bitches are left. The thing is, ladies, you’re the fun bitches. You can stay around. They also point out that Holly was the sane one (true) and Abby restates that everyone’s replaceable (not so true, especially with 2 days left before the show).
The next day, Paige goes to the doctor and we get lots of close ups on her feet, which don’t look too bad. The doctor’s speech isn’t as scary or “You’ll never dance again!!” as the preview made it out to be, though he does tell her to listen to her body. The doc freezes the warts off, and Paige gets a lollipop and we’re all good.
The solos are going to be more contemporary gymnastics bullshit. I really don’t know why she even bothers to give them categories. Maybe it’s a competition thing. We see more of the “Chloe vs. Maddie!” thing that will never die, even though afterwards, we see Abby actually talk to Chloe like a normal human being.
At the Candy Apples, Cathy goes into manager “kiss kiss” mode. She informs Jill that she got Kendall a dance opportunity with the Harlem Globetrotters. I can’t wait.
At rehearsal, Kelli says that Paige is ok to dance as long as there are no blisters, but Abby cuts her anyway. Holly and Nia show up, with Holly ready to apologize, but only for Nia’s sake. We see Nia sitting on Jill’s bench, which is still in the lobby. Ha! As they get ready for rehearsal, Holly says that she’s turning this into a “teaching moment” for Nia about taking the higher ground, and the audience all rolls their eyes. Abby immediately launches into how Nia can’t make any mistakes, which of course, means that she promptly does. Of course, Abby starts on how everyone in Florida dances all the time, and goes to dance school and what not. Aren’t you running a dance school and not just a competition team, Abby? Also, aren’t these other schools practicing their routines for weeks? I know of no company that gives their dancers three days to rehearse and then dumps them on stage. Even companies like New York City Ballet, who do a different performance each night, will still spend weeks before hand getting them ready. That being said, for all Abby’s yelling, we don’t see her do any of the really nasty dance tricks, like making the kids jump over a cane and raising it or holding a lighter under their foot or something. She does stick a pen between Nia’s ankles, but it’s weird and seems like something she pulled out for the camera.
Jet set to Miami, and out of the Pittsburgh winter! There are beaches! And gay pride flags! And Abby’s giant muumuu type outfit!
The girls are hanging out on the beach, and Abby finds out that only Nia did her homework. Surprise, surprise. So, she bitches and makes the girls do 50 pushups. Then she embarrasses the girls even further by doing the dance on the beach, before letting them go do back flips in the water.
Kendall’s with the Globetrotters and her dance is the whitest hip hop I’ve ever seen. You know that type where some all-white, suburban dance crew comes on Randy Whatever’s Best Next Top American Kids Who Dance Good and Stuff show and dance to the Black Eyed Peas, it’s clear that everyone has the same rhythm of the waltzing kids in Dirty Dancing? That’s what this is, but the crowd likes it. Afterwards, she meets the Globetrotters, and either she’s taller then we think, or something, because there’s that one short Globetrotter. You know who I’m talking about. The one who looks like Skee-Lo. Well, there’s some weird trick of the light, because he looks to be about Kendall’s height.
We see clips of Florida kids dancing, and there’s a lot of skin, and my body issues start to creep up again. The trio’s cute, and Abby claims that it’s like NOTHING that’s been shown, except, it’s exactly like half the things we see in clips. The group number comes out, and .it’s cute, until I notice that the girls are supposed to be on the beach and are in bathing suit looking outfits, and wearing tights. I spend the rest of the dance feeling overly warm. The group number gets third, and the trio gets second, and Abby’s wearing a necklace made out of wax lips.
We get a glimpse of the girls warming up, and there’s a funny scene where Chloe is in a straddle split and Maddie is helping her by standing on her butt. Dancers know exactly what I’m talking about, and non-dancers will be bemused. Maddie’s solo is a dance for an older female. I’m not talking its sexy, it’s just… the moves aren’t right on a 9 year old, and the song has been talking about “all my life.” Chloe’s isn’t bad, and is more age appropriate. Nia comes out, and immediately freezes and runs off crying. There’s a sweet moment where Maddie and Chloe support her off stage while her mother is running through the stands to make sure she’s ok. Holly finds a competition director and they allow Nia to dance again. Abby joins the girls backstage with her shit smelling look and keeps making passive aggressive quips to Nia. Way to build up the girl’s confidence! Nia comes out, and does a good job, with a Latin number.
Nia gets third, and Abby’s fine, and says that she knew she could pull it off, or something. Bitch. Chloe gets second and Maddie gets first and again, I wonder how much of this is the competition world, and how much is the producers, because Chloe’s dance was better.
Next time! Someone’s suing someone! (Hint, it’s Melissa, pissed that everyone’s talking about her wedding). Cathy’s somehow involved! Someone goes to the hospital! I’m guessing it will be less dramatic than the commercial!
