In the spirit of international cooperation and diplomacy with our northern neighbors, yours truly ventured out into the wilderness and captured an actual Canadian. An actual Canadian Crasstalker, Internet alias HonkIfYouLikeCookies, rumoured (see what I did there?) to go by the name Susan. After having my way with her (it’s exactly what it sounds like), I asked her a few questions about her native land and people. Here’s what I found out about those crazy Canucks:
What is the dumbest thing you’ve ever heard an American say about Canada?
Other than the entire Talking To Americans mockumentary by Rick Mercer, the dumbest thing an American has ever asked me was if I took a dog sled to school. It was asked by someone from the deep south.
So Canada isn’t completely covered in snow? Do you guys have, like, actual seasons?
It’s only completely covered in snow for 80% of the year unless you live in Kelowna, BC, those lucky bastards.
Who is the president of Canada?
The president of Canada is Wayne Gretzsky, but he defers to our prime minister, Stephen Harper.
Which Canadian music group or act are you most proud of besides Justin Bieber?
I’m proud of all of North America for hating Nickelback, does that count? Joking aside, this question is a hard one to answer as there are so many good Canadian musicians: Arcade Fire, Rufus Wainwright, Tragically Hip, Metric, Neil Young, Alanis, Royal Wood, K-os, The Dears, Death From Above 1979, Stars, The Constantines, Tegan and Sara, Wolf Parade, Broken Social Scene, Neko Case… but not Rush, NEVER Rush or Snow.
You forgot the greatest singah in the world, Celine Dion. Who’s better in bed? American men, American women, Canadian men, or Canadian women?
I feel like if I don’t say American men, I’ll be shafted for the rest of 2012 (and not the good shaft). And, for the record, I have not slept with an American woman!
Is it true that you are banging an American man on the semi-regular? Would you care to make a statement?
Yes, I have been banging George Clooney on the semi-regular, but don’t tell badhatharry. Admittedly, I’m a wee bit gun shy about making public declarations, but I presume everyone is aware that BHH and I are an item despite our fights about owning a monkey. I absolutely adore him.
Excuse me while I get this dust out of my eye. So before you mentioned BC. That’s like a state, right?
No, we’re far more regal in Canada and don’t have states but provinces. It’s okay to be jealous.
What’s up with Victoria Day? And why do you guys all speak French if you’re down with the English people?
I was born on Victoria Day, that’s what’s up! Besides being the Queen’s birthday, it’s become a national drinking holiday aptly dubbed May 2-4 weekend after a 24 pack of beer. Most Canadians spend this long weekend up north at a cottage enjoying the first warm days of the year while getting extremely intoxicated.
We speak French because in the early 1500s, King Francis of France declared what is now Quebec “New France” and I guess that stuck. Most Canadians have a minimal grasp of french.
Why are Canadians so nice?
I think the stereotype of Canadians being nice perpetuates itself. I do/have noticed small differences when traveling to other countries, but nothing startling. I’m sure our “niceness” has something to do with our liberal history and our diet, which consists of 80% maple syrup to keep us sweet. Also, the Prime Minister threatened to change our national anthem to a song by Nickelback if we don’t behave.
What’s with your weird inflection in house and about?
There is no inflection! I don’t have an accent, everyone else does!
Say the first thing that comes to mind for the following phrases:
“My country tis of thee…”: CANADA
“For purple majesties”: CANADA
“Oh say can you see?”: I don’t have my glasses on.
“I pledge allegiance, to the flag”: of CANADA!
That was awful. What’d you guys learn in elementary school? Paul Revere, George Washington, the usual?
In elementary school, every child must do a project on the day Canada burnt down the White House and then send it to an American child to warn them not to mess with us. It’s a time-honoured tradition. We also learn French!
You spelt honored wrong. Is it true that you can buy pot really easily in Vancouver?
Most likely, but only because it’s easily bought anywhere in Canada.
Why is Canada’s national sport lacrosse but all NHL hockey teams are full of Canadians?
That’s because Canadians kick ass at all sports. See 2010 Winter Olympics.
What does a Canadian do for fun?
It depends on where you live and what season you’re in. During the summer in Ontario, many folks head north to what we call “cottage country,” or go camping at one of the many provincial parks (Algonquin is my favourite). During the winter, in Ontario, activities such as skiing and snowboarding are popular, however, beer-boganning is the most fun one can have in the deep snow. When the days get really frosty (today it’s -20C with the windchill – that’s -4F in American), people mostly hibernate, preferably in front of a wood fireplace; there’s not much you can do when it’s this cold.
If you were on the Canadian Tourism Board, what would your slogan be to get people to come to Canada?
Come for the poutine, stay for the healthcare.
