Dance Moms time! I’m starting to think I should drink more before watching these. Previously on Dance Moms, which you don’t need because you can just read my recaps!
Everyone won everything last time, and is still riding high from that. Not for long, though. Abby’s big cloud of disdain comes barreling through to bring everyone down. So and so didn’t point their toe enough, and so and so was turned too far an inch to the left! You all suck! Now stare at my Pyramid of Shame! There’s a mystery person who may or may not be Brooke. Paige doesn’t point her feet. Kendel’s still not good enough. Nia’s still black. Chips got second tier because she kicked ass. She’s up there with Maddie, which leaves us Chloe. Chloe’s on top because she won everything last week. This means there is not much time to enjoy winning as we immediately head into this week’s dances. We have a trio of Chloe, Maddie, and Kendel, who’s apparently taking Paige’s spot. Paige is related to Brooke, though, so she’s being punished. We then find out the theme of the group number. Bullying. Another damn “art piece” like that “Where are the Children” POS from last season. Nia, the black girl, is going to be the bully. Her mom is pleased as punch, and informs Abby of this. Abby then tells Nia that she’s no longer the special dancer, because Nia’s mom RUINS EVERYTHING FOREVER!
Brooke’s been placed by Peyton who is super tall and is well into beginning to bud into a beautiful lady. Everyone’s excited, except for Not Kylie, who’s nervous that Peyton will be overshadowing (ha!) Kyle from RHOBH. We get a cut to Abby talking to us, and she has this really weird “sinus infection” voice that makes her sound like she swallowed Mickey Mouse. This voice will pop up every now and then, and it is REALLY scary. Anyway, she goes on about how there’s only one spot open, which is odd, because I thought we had two. Vivi-Graham’s and Brooke’s. Either Abby or I are counting wrong, and while I failed calculus, most dancers I know aren’t math whizzes. Unless it’s counting to eight.
Back in the Dance Moms Passive Aggressive Lounge, we find that Paige used to be in the trio, and the trio is untouchable! It’s their three person bus pass! Their small-town sisterhood compact that we know will break as soon as one of them breaks it big! Abby is yelling at Chloe and calling her cocky and stupid and accuses her of trying to take over the choreography. Chloe starts to cry. Like, tears running down her face, but she’s still standing strong crying. Her mom, Disco Ball, feels that she can’t go down there, or else it’ll turn into WWIII. I have no words.
Brooke is having a cheerleading party and we’re all invited! She either has no personality, or is over dealing with little girls, now that she’s budding into a beautiful womyn. I’m not sure. After a random view of the NYC skyline, we see the girls practicing. Peyton is jumping right on in, and Not Kylie starts making comments about how tall Peyton is. Like seriously tall. FREAKISHLY tall. Taller than everyone else tall. Not Kylie and Peyton’s New Mom argue with Disco Ball stuck in the middle, with me. Someone says that spatial awareness is the hardest part of being in a trio. I know a few of our commenters understand that. Apparently, Paige can’t count, which is why she’s not in the trio, but she CAN run a Mac and watch everyone dance. Brunette Mom gets it, and makes some comments about Abbey’s weight.
It’s Low Carb Mom-spresso time! New Mom is shady, according to Disco Ball, and asks Disco all the questions I’ve been wondering (Aka, why the hell are you keeping your daughter here). Disco refuses to answer (money). Principal Mom is teaching Nia a lesson, and everyone starts yelling “BAD MOMMY” at each other.
Costume fitting time, and 1999 Britney Spears is rolling around in her grave. There’s an argument about Bad Girls vs. Trashy Girls and how cutting edge doesn’t equal slutty. Not Kylie brown-noses like only she can do. Fortunately, or not fortunately, we’re not the only ones who brought our slut on to this Hollywood competition in St. Louis.
Backstage in the Wet-n-Wild and Aqua Net Make-up and Hair Salon, Abby shows that she doesn’t have a clue what people in Hollywood do, and implies that EVERYONE working backstage is a mover and shaker in L.A. land. Not Kylie and New Mom glare circles around each other while setting their daughters’ hair curlers.
Trio. Polka Dots and Feathers done to a knock off of “He’s My Man” with a “Baby Got Back”-esque intro. Chloe’s not sitting with the other girls, and isn’t a part of the group. Until it starts and she is. Kendel made a mistake and Abby keeps her on probation.
Solos! Chloe and Maddie showdown, again! Maddie’s outfit isn’t as “professional woman” as last week. She’s dancing to a melancholy song, and smiling like she just won the lottery. Calm down. Chloe comes out and dances and there’s Lifetime Ladypart’s Piano Music of Bonding.
Backstage at the WnWAGHMU room, everyone’s practicing, and Peyton’s forgetting the steps. Someone forgot costume parts! New Mom talks just like Abby and Abby tells her there can be only one little girl yeller in this studio!! Peyton’s all “Bitch is all up in the funeral and doesn’t even know who died,” but says part of that out loud, which Abby overhears. Abby decides to take it out on Chloe as they walk out, though. Disco Mom loves this, of course. The Bully Piece starts, and I’m sure there’s a story here, but I don’t see it. Not Kylie feels the same, but ends up by making another swipe at Peyton being FREAKISHLY TALL. Afterwards, Abby accuses Peyton of RUINING ALL THE THINGS! Peyton and Mom do what I would do, and give it right back. This is a big no-no, as Abby informs us that it’s HER job to belittle everyone. That’s what she’s getting paid for.
Awards time and no one wins anything but Maddie. This means that Chloe SUCKS AT ALL THE THINGS and Peyton screwed everything up by being cocky and EIGHT FRICKING FEET TALL. Peyton is still on probation. Probably until she shrinks.
Next time! Everyone cries. Including me!
