Dance Moms Recap: Cheerleaders and Mermaids

It’s time for Dance Moms! Excitement! Vivi’s hair! Head bobbing! I’m assuming you all are up to date, so let’s grab our toe shoes and jete right into this!

We start out with another applesauce joke, because we didn’t get enough of those. Abby immediately plunges into the Pyramid of Shame. Nia’s on the bottom, because she messed up, which we’re just finding out now. Kyle from RHOBH is also on the bottom, big surprise. I could be wrong. I often am. Paige was just ok. Chips rounds us off on the bottom. Moving up, we have Maddie. SHOCK! Maddie’s the world best dancer, and her mother knows it! Maddie gets interviewed and sounds like she was coached to sound as nice as possible. Chloe is still second best. Which means that Brooke is on top, for her Ina Garten of Eatin’ routine. Brunette Mom is really happy, and for once, we’re all happy for her. However, Brooke isn’t happy about this because she’s becoming a young lady and is interested in things like lipstick and nylons and invitations.

Starbound in New Jersey is the next big competition. Maddie and Chloe are going head to head, and it’s treated like this has never happened before. Chips has some parade number. The group number, this time around, is called Born to Dance, and has nothing to do with Lady Gaga. Well, except for the disturbing birth imagery that pervades both. Brooke is placed front and center, since she is blossoming into a young lady. It’s a mystical time.  The moms are just concerned that they are going to have to bedazzle costume cauls.

It cuts to Brooke and her mom talking about cheerleading, and both of them are wearing bright, hooker red lipstick. You know, the kind they use in 40’s movies, or that actresses in their 20’s use because they’ve been told that it makes their lips “pop.”

Chips starts to rehearse her own dance, of which Abby has changed the name. Chips is ready to dance with the big girls, and we can tell because she’s wearing the “wow your lips are shiny” red lipstick that Brooke and her mom are. The mom’s, meanwhile, are having Mom-tini time. Brunette mom informs everyone that Brooke really wants to just cheer. Bitch Mom and Not Kylie Minogue are unsupportive. Blonde mom is sympathetic. Bitch mom talks about how Brooke should at least finish the competition and something about building character or something. She has a point. Brooke’s 12, not 29, and it’s not like there’s never going to be cheerleading tryouts ever again.

Rehearsal! Maddie’s doing some jazz number, which means lots of gymnastics. Chloe’s doing lyrical, which means lots of turns. Some of Abby’s older dancers can be seen in the background, watching Chloe and being pissed that this show decided to focus on the 9 year olds. The group number rehearsal starts, and is a good of the ways into it before Abby realizes that Brooke is missing. The moms have all been hiding in the Dance Moms Passive Aggressive Lounge, and finally send Brunette mom down to fess up. Meanwhile, Abby is bellowing for Brooke and screaming about how everyone needs to be here for rehearsal. Ugh, I hate it when she makes sense. Everyone sits around waiting for Abby to really blow. In the middle of a screaming tirade about how everyone’s getting fucked, and Abby can feel it, she, again, makes a few good points about this is the last minute and Brooke did commit to the team.

The group number is out and with it go Kyle of RHOBH, Paige and Nia. Blonde mom storms in to support Brunette mom and Brooke, and Abby rambles on about how Brooke broke her contract, and therefore Maddie’s going to go to Harvard and Chloe’s going to go community college. It’s my way or the highway. Everyone’s in or everyone’s out. We have a reputation as champions to maintain. Finally, the group number can go, but only if it’s re-choreographed by some random teenager, and Abby’s has her name removed from the program.

Travel day! Everyone is excited, and relaxed, and happy and joking because Abby isn’t here and we all know it can’t last. Just as the bus is about to leave, Abby shows up in the parking lot, like a big black shadow in her big black fur coat. Apparently, she felt that they wouldn’t be able to do this without her and she needed to be there to guide everyone as if they haven’t done all this a million times before. While they’re on the bus, Kathy calls Bitch mom, and tries fish for information under the guise of asking them all out to dinner. Smooth. Really smooth.  Abby restates that this has nothing to do with dancing, but everything to do with winning and beating the Candy Apples (seriously, Kathy. Change the name.)

We’re backstage at the Wet’n’Wild and Aqua Net New Jersey Make Up Room and Hair Salon, and so much is at stake. We’re national champions! Brooke is dead to us! Maybe she’ll wake up with old pointe shoes on her pillow. Kathy, with her Candy Apples, mispronounces the word “nemesis,” while bedazzling her own daughter. There’s lots of big talk and she informs her dancers to avoid Abby Lee’s at all costs.

Solo time! Abby tells Chips to dance for her life and to not fuck it up. No, really. I believe her exact words were “or I’ll have your head.” She does her little gymnast routine and everyone oohs and ahhs because she’s cute. I think it’s because she’s small and all she wants for Christmas is her two front teeth. And chips. Kathy sits next to Abby like it’s a big coincidence. Or the producers. Backstage, Chloe-Badger doesn’t care and plans to just take that one movie’s advice and just dance the shit outta it. We also learn that Abby doesn’t know a thing about lyrical dance. Maddie’s in a REALLY slutty outfit and does a really slutty dance, which includes a point where she’s on her back, legs in the air, spread eagle. Way to go, Abby.

Flash to Brooke, who’s trying out for cheerleading and her mom’s there to support her. I have to give her credit for actually BEING there, even if she did allow her daughter to drop something at a moment’s notice. Seriously. I could understand if this was Paige, but Brooke is old enough to be forced to build character. Anyway, Brooke’s really quiet and doesn’t smile, which the cheer-judges notice and make copious comments about. It’s almost like we should be worried about Brooke not making the team. *spoiler* She makes it anyway. Also, what type of middle school does she go to, because those older girls look much older?

Back at StarPower or whatever! Chips wins something! Maddie gets third and everyone’s doing that smiley “I’m happy, but I’m really pissed” thing. According to the judges by way of Bitch mom, she looked too “professional.” Abby and Bitch mom take that as a good thing, without realizing it was a really nice way of saying “She dances nice, but she looks like a whore in that get up.” Chloe wins, and probably won’t be on top, but is over all this shit.

Group number! We have to prove that Brooke is worthless and easily replaceable! (Abby’s words. Not mine. Why is this woman entrusted with children?). We start out with Candy Apple’s number. Mermaids. It’s the BEST FUCKING THING EVER!!! No really. I wish I could find a video of this for you. They’re covered in blue gauze and rhinestones and start out on the floor fluttering their feet, only to end up boureeing across the floor while Vivi-Graham runs around behind them. Abby/Gianna’s number. Lots of thrashing to slow music. I hate it, but then again, I hate a lot of things. The judges are pleased. Mermaids takes 8th, and Abby Lee wins grand supreme or something.

Backstage, Abby and Co. go find Kathy to “congratulate” her, and to also demand the bumblebee costume back from last season. Kathy gave the bumblebee costume away and has sour grapes. She renames Blonde Mom “Disco Ball” and . . . I have to give her credit. I think I’m going to steal this. We see the Candy Apple moms, and one of them is an amused old lady and one of them is wearing WAY too much yellow eye-shadow. Everyone leaves before we all have to remove our Lee Press-On Nails.

Next time! Peyton covers for Brooke and her mom wonders why we’re all here! We wonder the same thing about her! Chloe has a break-down and so do I.

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