Well, do you have tickets for the November 18th opening night of the next installment of the Twilight Saga, Twilight: Breaking Dawn or as I refer to it lovingly, reverently, and comically — Twilight: Pulsing Uteri? No? You better hurry up! Tickets are selling like mad. Mad I tell you! Mad like a shruggy virgin about to have the sparkle sex for the first time with a bed-crushing, star-dusted vampire nebulous, and then give birth to the world’s first twinkle fetus!
It. Will. Be. Glorious.
Deadline reports that all Tween Squee-Bobbits are all in a tizzy about the prospect of Kristen Stew’s loins being invaded by Rob Patt’s rod of miracles. 700 of them are already camping out just to catch a glimpse of the pair as they stroll hand and hand, or tongue to face, on the red carpet at Monday’s premiere. This happens every single time one of these, chaste, puritan Stephenie Meyer Twilight things is released.
The Twi-Hards as they’re called, hilariously given the subject matter of the latest movie, have bought all the tickets MovieTickets.com has, and the pic already represents 72% of Fandango’s weekly ticket sales. Good gravy that’s a lot of sales for a movie about fortuitous vampire humping. “More than 1,000 showtimes are already sold out in advance on Fandango which says theater owners are scrambling to add more screenings to meet the fan demand.”
Rolling your eyes yet? Well, don’t. Well, do, duh it’s Twilight — but given that the American box office hasn’t been doing great business — the industry looks forward to what they call “event movies” like this to get them through, even though we mostly call them “Dung Drivel Sparkle Poop.”
So get over it. Glitter dappled vampires and Pekinese wolf dogs made out of Taylor Lautner’s abdominals are here to stay — at least for a little while longer. WHEW! WE WERE ALL SO WORRIED!
