So, yeah. Among all our cat picture postings and general whinings, occasionally we get our CT (straight) boys whining on about women.
How do we work? Well, I guess it’s not that simple. But, BUT…real women are actually not all that complicated. We’re just like you. Only with vaginas. However, there are a few things we do like…or love…that aren’t too confusing or difficult, and might help you boys along the path to glory.
I can’t help you pick a womanly woman. A real mensch, if you will. But if you do find one, here’s a little peek into the mind of the badass lady and what we actually want from you people.
Um, committment. Or lack thereof.
Let’s hit the big one first. WE ARE NOT ACTUALLY ALL LOOKING TO PUT A RING ON IT.
That said, it’s also nice to know that you like us, and that you’re not picking up prostitutes in your spare time, or that we’re only a warm, wet hole. Actually, maybe sometimes we don’t care. Chances are, you already know which category you fall into with us.
We’re usually not super-subtle if we’re not interested in anything approaching a relationship. Kind of the same things you do. Only calling when drunk, only coming over late at night and/or for sex, telling you we do not want to be in a relationship*, etc…but women stick to that. Some men start to blur the lines with relationship-type activities. And to this I say:
The idea that being in a relationship means that you’re in a Bataan Death March down the aisle is ridiculous. No woman understands the “I really like you, but I can’t be committed” speech. Because…if you really like someone, and you’re not having sex with anyone else, and you are engaging in a number of activities outside a bed….well, logic is a man’s science, I guess.
Listen, don’t be scared to call someone your girlfriend. Be you 16 or 60, I guarantee you that pretending you’re not in some kind of an involvement is not helping anyone. I can call a refrigerator a Porsche, because they both have motors, but it’s still a fridge. Make sense? No? THAT’S HOW YOU SOUND TO US.
Just because you’re in a relationship with someone, it doesn’t mean you have to be in two weeks or three months or seventy years. No sane woman is expecting “commitment” to mean that. We just kind of want to know you think we’re cool enough to admit you want to only bang us. And maybe also go out for dinner.
Don’t be stupid.
Now, okay, this can mean a lot of things. But for a bad bitch, this means BRAINSEX. Just because you graduated college with that sweet general studies degree doesn’t mean you’ve stopped learning. Or learning from other people.
After the initial part of a relationship, the “You like gefilte fish? I LOVE gefilte fish!” part, that’s where things start to get boring. This is why Mary Matalin and James Carville probably have insanely hot hate sex despite the fact that he looks like an actual ghoul. Because they talk. Because they argue. Not about who did the dishes last, but about the issues of the day.
I guarantee that, if you stumble upon one of us and dazzle us with your wit and intelligence, you could have seven arms and half an eye and some of us would end up still wanting to jump you. Actually, seven arms would kind of be a value-add. But that’s neither here nor there. So stay on the ball. Express your opinions. Back them up with facts. Or prepare to be destroyed in an argument by your lady.
Be a boss, but don’t brag.
No doubt, confidence is sexy. But a solid ho is not going to be impressed by you rambling on about how much money you pull in, how many bands you liked before anyone else knew about them, how you haven’t eaten an animal product since you were three, or any other boast you want to make.
We have our own money, or aren’t looking for a sugar daddy. We liked bands before they got big, too. We think vegans are a little insane, or maybe we’ve been vegan longer than you have. But we don’t say anything about it. Peacocking, and not in the creepy Mystery/”The Game” sense (actually, ALSO in that sense), is an understandable male action but it’s really not necessary. And a womanly woman knows what you’re up to with that.
So, try not to be over-the-top with your CV. On a first date or in a relationship. Everyone likes an equal. No one likes a one-upper. And some of us will do anything to take a one-upper down a peg, even if it’s probing him about his relationship with his father until he starts crying at the bar. Fair warning.
We wouldn’t be hanging out with you if we didn’t think you were awesome anyway.
A womanly woman loves the men. Loves different ones for different reasons. But a real woman isn’t going to be spending a single minute of her precious time with you if you’re a waste of it.
So whatever lame hangups you have, well, again. We’re just like you. We’re fucking terrified you think we’re nerdy or too loud when we talk or too fat or whatever. But, you’re still hanging out with us. And we are with you.
Lots of romantic comedies would never get made if this was a common understanding. Lots of involvements probably would have worked out if for this concept.
In this I can speak for all the womanly women out there, we love the men. You guys need to relax and enjoy us as much as we enjoy you. Usually.
*does not include you saying that first and us saying, “Yeah, totally, me neither.”
Photo via Flickr
