This post was contributed by our very special Friend of Crasstalk, Chillbear Latrigue. It originally appeared at wordsmoker.com. Welcome him, Crasstalkers! For those of you not familiar, Wordsmoker was launched (well before this place) by a group of Gawker commenters. They are our allies in the war to win the internet.
Yeah, it’s happened to just about every man. You’re sitting around watching some modern television show like Men of a Certain Age (or something else where feelings are displayed) and you think, “I really hope I don’t act like that.”
But we both know you do. And you know what? Your friends do too. Our whole fucking country does.
Whatever happened to “Frankly, my dear I don’t give a damn?” Or Rudy Valentino kidnapping the girl and dragging her across the desert? What about the jilted saloonkeeper who walks around insulting his guests and denying that he sticks his neck out for people but then quietly does? You watched those movies, you idolized those heroes, but once you had your first taste of grain alcohol or an unfiltered Camel, you dismissed their superlative masculinity as some sort of Hollywood gimmick. Your parents still said they loved you, but you began to think that they were secretly disappointed.Who wouldn’t be? You’re the one who gave up on being Eastwood or Bogart. What were they supposed to do, throw you a goddamned ticker tape parade?
For most of you, it’s probably too late. However, some of you have sons who are turning sixteen in the next year or so, and there’s still hope for them. I wrote down a few words of advice for the next generation, but maybe—just maybe—if you follow one or two of these tips, you might turn yourself into something doesn’t make everyone sick.
1. Coffee – There’s only way to take your coffee: black and bitter. And by the way, that’s what you do with coffee—take it. Here’s how that goes:
“Pardon me, sir, what would you like in your coffee?”
“I take it black with no sugar, frenchy.”
This also means no fad, flavored or perfumed coffees. If you like things that taste like vanilla, buy yourself a pint of goddamned ice cream and go watch Oprah.
2. Socializing – Call any male whose name you don’t know “frenchy.” Never capitalize it. The French—capitalize only when it’s not a condescending nickname—are on a timeout right now. (We’ll see how they act this century.) Calling people “frenchy” let’s them know two things. A) You don’t give a damn about them, and B) You’re not French. If someone calls you “frenchy,” knock them out.
3. Tobacco – If you don’t already, you should start using some form of tobacco. Smoking is bad for you, but it helps make your voice deep and gravely. Smokeless 
tobaccos are okey, but when you get drunk sometimes you accidentally take a sip from the beer can that you’ve been spitting in. You’re going to smoke an American unfiltered cigarette. Not menthols. Not cloves—you’re not at some goddamn rave. You can smoke from a hookah if there’s at least one guy wearing either a pith helmet or a fez and monocle. Don’t hold your cigarette between your middle and index finger like some kind of Rusky pansy. Get the thumb involved.
4. Alcohol – You can drink beer. You can drink straight liquor as long as it’s not flavored or perfumed. You can even have a bottle of red wine if you’re using it to wash down a rare steak. The only mixed drink that you can have is a martini—and I don’t mean a martini made with juice or chocolate, Gin and/or vodka and a splash of vermouth. However much vermouth they put in the martini is too much for you. If the bartender is a man, you’ll handle this by saying, “I said make it dry, frenchy.” If it’s a woman, make a face of polite disgust. Carry a flask with something in it that’s so strong that when you offer it to people they shrink away in horror.
5. Music – You might think that you’ve stumbled upon the most masculine music ever created, but trust me when I tell you that every form of music has its pitfalls. Country has those ridiculous buckles and rigid dances; metal has its hair bands—the list goes on. If someone comes up to you and thinks that you want to talk about music, you tell them something like, “I like some of everything, but I’ve been listening to a lot of Wagner (pronounced vaugner) lately.” This tells everyone that you’re fun, but you’re also not going to put up with a lot of nonsense.
6. Dancing – You shouldn’t dance in any way that would make it difficult for you to carry on a conversation or might cause you to spill your drink. If any sort of dance you’re doing has a name, that should be a giant red flag. If you’re on the dance floor and a song comes on that has too fast a tempo, politely excuse yourself for a drink. If your date or the lady you’ve been eying stays out on the dance floor with some other guy, don’t sweat it. She’ll come back to you after she has an unsatisfying sexual experience with this half-eunuch fast-dancer. You got that, Footloose? No fast dancing.
7. Dining – Most of your meals will consist of American meats, like rib-eyes and hamburgers. Occasionally your meals can be accompanied by carbohydrate rich ethnic foods, such as potatoes or rice. Food is not the place where you really need to be a hardass. Most men will instinctively do the right thing if they can only just shut out bad influences like dietitians or yoga enthusiasts. This may seem a bit rigid, but you’re not limited to beef. You can eat pork, poultry, fish and even kebobs—although one should be careful to make sure that the kebob skewer is dominated with meat. Avoid the following foods: French, quiche, wraps (this does not include bean burritos from your local convenience jobber) and claws. Oh, and for fuck’s sake stay away from fondue—it’s the biggest girl dish there is.
8. Art – You shouldn’t really be playing around with art unless you really know what you’re doing (and you probably don’t). More than likely, you’re better off with plain walls, but if you absolutely have to put something up, consider weapons. Swords, rifles and coats of arms can turn your one-bedroom efficiency with the Murphy bed into a medieval fortress. It’s maces not vases. Revolvers instead of reliefs. You can have an occasional painting, but unless you have a lot of experience in buying art, you need to steer clear of anything that exists without a practical combat purpose. Still not convinced? Here’s a little art quiz. Choose which art you should hang in your apartment:
Run your cursor over each image for the answer.
9. Fighting – No matter which discipline you practice—and you have to be training in some form of combat—after you win a fight you’re going to claim that you used American Boxing. While there are many excellent and reputable martial arts styles and schools, no fighting technique in the history of cinematography is more beloved than the right cross. Take a minute and watch this instructional video from the hit TV series Mad Men. In the events leading up to the punch, I want you to notice how few of our rules are broken:
Draper probably shouldn’t have shaken his hand out at the end, but the point is that someone with an annoying voice tried to say hello to him and he knocked him the fuck out. Now that’s bravado.
10. Appearance – There’s leeway when it comes to appearance. Consequently there’s a lot of ways that you can fuck this up. We’ll start from head to toe. These days, a lot of jackasses are out there wearing fedoras with everything. Fedoras are fine if you are wearing a suit and tie or a trench coat. Otherwise go with a ball cap or bareheaded. If you decide to grow facial hair, make it full facial hair. None of these neatly manicured beards and whatnot. Your shirts should be neutral in color with no writing on them.
Here’s a quiz: Should your pants be pleated or non-pleated? If your answer was something like, “Who the fuck cares, nancy?” or “What the fuck are pleats?” you’re on your way.
You really don’t enjoy shopping, so when you go into a store, pick out a shirt and pair of pants in your size and buy a half-dozen of each. You can vary the colors according to the established rules.
11. Skills – The following is a list of skills that you should master:
- Drinking hard liquor without making a face.
- Starting a fire with nothing.
- Changing the belt on any machine. You should say, “Looks like it just needs a new belt.”
- Taking a hard slap across the face without flinching.
- Reloading
- Motorcycle Riding
- Barbecuing
- Condescension
- Playing cards and other forms of gambling.
- Fighting while hung-over.
By now you probably have more questions than answers. That’s okay because a lot of this has to be taken on faith. No real man is going to sit around and re-explain things to you—we’re too busy.
