To say that I have never been very feminine is a bit of an understatement. Yeah, I had some Barbies and a lot of stuffed animals, but I also had more dinosaurs, Legos, and basketballs than any other girl I knew. I didn’t have a female best friend until high school; before that I preferred to play basketball, tackle football, wallball, or wrestle 2-on-1 (with me being the one) with the boys on my block. I was always one of the first ones picked for sports teams at recess and PE, and in the fourth grade I was universally recognized as the best wallball player to walk the blacktop. In other words, I was (and am) one of the world’s biggest tomboys.
When it comes to girly clothes, I distinctly remember my first real fight with my mom in the 3rd or 4th grade concerning whether or not I could wear my Harley Davidson t-shirt for picture day (I won). My uniform for most of my life has been some combination of jeans and sweats. I cut my hair boyishly short in the 5th grade because I hated having even girl-short hair. When combined with my baggy jeans and t-shirts, it meant I was often addressed as “young man” or “sir” in public when someone needed to get my attention.
Even today, at 22 with a college degree under my belt, I feel horrendously uncomfortable trying to act, or look, very feminine. You are more likely to see me unintentionally mess my hair up than you are to see me fixing it, and I’ve worn makeup on maybe four occasions in my entire life. Why should I spend time and money painting my nails when they’re going get messed up within a millisecond of the brush being put down? It’s a miracle that I even pluck my eyebrows on a regular basis. And I fucking hate high heels with a passion. Give me flip-flops or give me death.
However, more and more often I find myself wondering why I’m like this. Is it because I like the ladies (in addition to the guys) in a more than friendly way? When I learned about the connection that had been made between digit ratio and sexual orientation as well as the presence of more “masculine” traits in women in general and lesbians in particular I took a look at my own fingers and thought, “Well, that fits.” Now the sociology major part of me that has read a bit of Judith Butler’s theory about gender as a performance and a whole lot on socialization screams “That can’t be all there is to it! Stop essentializing!” But (cue Lady Gaga) if I was born this way is there any other way?
And then there’s the increasingly frequent thoughts: shouldn’t I stop this? I look around at all my female friends and acquaintances my age or above, and all of them manage to at least look girly on occasions when it’s called for even if they’re normally almost as low-maintenance as I am. I hate the time and the worry for a results that seem to me not worth it, but isn’t it expected? Is it even acceptable or advisable to show up to a professional job interview without makeup as a grown woman? Shouldn’t I know how to walk this line?
I’m trying. I bought mascara for the first time the other day. When I do go clothes shopping, I at least try to find, try on and buy things that aren’t t-shirts and jeans (actually finding things that fit my fat ass and my boobs is a story for another day). But can’t I still be ladylike in a t-shirt with a football in my hands?
