Two old guys hitch up their elastic waistband slacks and yell at their computers; some unfunny person tries to convince us that she’s funny based on the success record of the NBC network; Science Fiction to hopefully get a shot of adrenaline; Desperate Housewives is still on television; a superhero gets a part-time job, and the unemployment line is about to get royal.
This Hollywood Dish needs pudding and a nap.
Fightin While Wearing Your Old Man Pants: Hey, you know what’s funnier than Pro-Witch endorser Christine O’Donnell walking out on Piers Morgan’s CNN show? The fact that Keith Olbermann had something to say about it! Huh? Yes, from out of the obscure cable TV rabble, Keith Olbermann, lord of public access television over on the Current TV network had a few comments for Piers. Oh, ho, and aren’t they a dozy! He hitched up his old man pants and said via Twitter, “Who walks out on @PiersMorgan tonight? I’m betting on…the audience (as usual).” Oh, HA! Really? You do know that no one has been able to find your show for like two months, right, Olbie? Morgan hit back with, “More watch me in Belgium than you globally.” Oh, snap! Huge burn from Prime Minister Grapenut Britches! He also invited Olbermann to appear on his show and added: “…or are you too busy with your 40,000 viewers a night?” Straight O.G. gangster there. And as the Twitter war started to peter out like watery oatmeal served at the nursing home, Olbermann ended it with a lame, “Just to wrap this up, most recent of 12 pleadings by @PiersMorgan that I appear on his show arrived 7/26. After he ‘banned me for life.'” Boo! We expected more from you, Mr. McVeiny ShoutSkull! [EW]
Unfunny Lady Joins Other Unfunny Ladies at Unfunny Network: Sarah Silverman famous for, um, maybe being slightly offensive, full of gas, and perhaps not being as funny as she thinks she is? Yeah, she’s been embroiled in a bidding war. Yes, a bidding war, because all manner of people are just anxious to watch her huge neck loll around across a television screen while she garbles inappropriate references to your grandparents, uh-huh, there’s been a bidding war for her new comedy project. Finally we have a winner. NBC, home of The Cape, a fantastic show that earned big ratings, HA!, like most every other canceled new television program NBC greenlit last year. Yes, this is the network that will air Sarah Silverman’s Long Neck and Shoddy Comedy Show. She joins fellow unfunny beings Whitney Cummings and Chelsea Handler, already held hostage by the network of squashed dreams and failed realities, who have their own soon-to-be jettisoned into outer space shows. Good Luck, Sarah! [Deadline]
Ridley Scott to Revisit a Classic: Well, if you’re going to do it, it better be done by the director of Alien, and not the man who’s kept Shia LaBeouf employed with all his robot movies about all things heinous and stupid like Michael “Shitastic Stew of Shame” Bay. And by do it, I mean revisit Blade Runner. He’s signed on to produce and direct a new installment. There’s no word as of yet if it will be a sequel or a prequel, or if someone needs to find Harrison Ford on top of Crystal Skull mountain where hopefully he’s just killed George Lucas and Steven Spielberg for making that irascible, maggot-infested piece of dung. No, shut up! I don’t give a good Fig Newton about how wonderful Raiders of the Lost Ark was, there was no reason in all things holy and made of bacon that Crystal Skull crap-burger should have been made. So whatever, Ridley, do what you have to do, but if George Lucas comes sniffing around you have my permission to kick him in his Jar Jar gonads. [Deadline]
Casting News: That guy from the 4400, and the Stomped On My Childhood Soul reboot of V, Joel Gretsch, will do some holy bunny bad things as nemesis to Eddie Cibrian’s Don Draper, whoops…Nick Dalton on NBC’s the Playboy Club. Jessica Hecht (Bored to Death, Breaking Bad) will do a recurring thing on walking Goldie Hawn/Meryl Streep reanimated corpse Desperate Housewives. Former Tudors co-star David Alpay will trade one period costume for another on Showtime’s boring Borgias show, and Carla Gugino (Entourage) will become a police detective on lady police detective channel TNT’s movie-of-the-week titled Hide (like a Nora Roberts paperback) about a woman who investigates the mystery of six mummified women…and how is this not on the Lifetime channel starring Tori Spelling and Judith Light? [Deadline]
Green Lantern Executive Produces TV Show Despite Everything He Does Tanking: Ryan Reynolds, has just sold a television project to Fox. Who knew people who are unsuccessful at this whole acting thing could actually sell something to a place where people are expected to act? This is the fist project Reynolds’s company Dark Fire, which is just comical because it should really be named “Purple CGI Monsters From Outer Space That I Fight with a Green Promise Ring,” has sold. The show titled Guidance, will feature Mad Love, Invasion, and Reaper’s star Tyler Labine, and is described as an adult buddy comedy set in a high school. We assume schlubby, bearded guy Labine isn’t a student…unless the premise is inappropriate themes set in high school. Well, that’s good for Sandra Bullock’s secret boyfriend then, right? You know, that he has a second gig all lined up just in case this whole making a living twirling in front of a movie camera doesn’t work out. [THR]
Somebody Just Fired the King: Well, layoffs and firings are just running rampant in such a horrible economic climate, right? Another victim has been claimed, but not because of budget woes, but because, “We think you make people fat!” Burger King is retiring their mascot of the, uh, Burger King. You know the big masked king dude, with all the robes, and Burger King bling on his fingers. Yeah, that dude! He got his pink slip. It seems Burger King has decided to re-market to mothers instead of teenagers, so that means the egregious fat-encouraging blinged out King is over forever, and a new fresher image is in! They’ll launch their new campaign with the roll out of the California Whopper, which features guacamole. Oh, guacamole! Guacamole. That’s healthy, right? The new commercials will showcase the sights and sounds of fresh ingredients being prepared for the….uh…burger. I suppose anything is healthier and fresher with guacamole. You know what, Burger King, maybe make chocolate covered doughnuts and put guacamole on ’em! Or remember that breakfast sandwich you had a while back with all the meat? It had like sausage, bacon, and ham all on one artery smashing missile? Yup, slap some guacamole on that bad boy and you’ve avoided a triple bypass. You’re doctors, so we trust you. Burger King…always thinking about us. [THR]
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