So basically our most beloved feuding characters won’t be in a movie about feuding, the Oscars seem like a great gig…to some, NBC updates its parenting stance from twenty years ago, a few less ladies talk, some rich guy gets a new job, and birds won’t have their way with a Hangover dude.
Today’s Hollywood dish feels lame.
You Mean Sarah Palin Has Nothing to Do With This…Seriously?: I just really think that if you’re going to do a Hatfield and McCoys miniseries somehow she should be involved. I just imagine her standing on her front porch in Alaska with a rifle screeching at all the “lamestream media” to get off of her land! No? Ok. How about this…she’s wearing a raccoon skin cap and setting bear traps out for Bill Maher? No? Ok. What about…she has a washboard around her neck and she’s serenading Fox News with a corn cob pipe and a spoon? No? Is this awful? Yes, okay, fine. Whatever. Bill Paxton and Kevin Costner have agreed to star in The Hatfields and McCoys miniseries on the history channel which will air next year during the 150th anniversary of the famous feud…where Sarah Palin will watch from a rocking chair on her front porch while her teeth soak in a glass of whiskey. Okay! I’ll stop. [THR]
When Billy Met Oscar: Basically Billy Crystal is beating a drum, smacking Brett Ratner (Oscar producer of all our fears) in the face, and bleating manically from a bullhorn his desires to host the Oscars again. Obviously, when they rolled him out last year in that octogenarian grocery cart to honor Bob Hope, all the oxygen the applause created was like a jolt to the old medulla oblongata which manifested itself into the best mirage ever…that what we really want is…no! that what we really need is for him to come back and host the Oscars. It was either that or he saw James Franco backstage eating those funny brownies and blanking on 2/3rds of the Oscar broadcast, and thought to himself, “Well, there’s no way I can be worse than that!” And after watching Ricky Gervais bomb astronomically at the Golden Globes, he thought, “Well, no one hates me that much!” So basically Billy’s delusions of grandeur are the fault of one stoner pothead, NYU student, and a Brit who enjoys incurring the wrath of Tom Hanks and Tim Allen, Cowboy Woody, and Buzz Light-year, the two most cuddly dudes in Hollywood. Jerks! [Deadline]
Sean Hayes Takes a Quantum Leap: Heh. You thought this was going to be about Sean Hayes nee’Just Jack of Will & Grace fame, turning into Scott Bakula from another NBC series. Well, you would be wrong! But he has traveled back in time. Just Jack has left the warm cockles of Karen Walker’s pill-coated bosom to be one half of the updated version of My Two Dads, a 1987 sitcom starring Paul Reiser, forever grumpy man of a recently failed Larry David-esque show, and Greg Evigan, star of underwater alien movie DeepStar Six, who no one but Spirit Fingers saw. Hayes will be one of two dads raising a twelve-year old, following the same premise as the 1980’s show, but instead of that flimsy explanation wherein both men find out they are potentially the father of a child and then conveniently decide Bert and Ernie style to become friends and roommates to raise their rubber ducky…uh-huh. NBC has realized that we’re not that dumb and have just decided to call the gay…gay. [EW]
Leah Remini and Holly Robinson Peete All Talked Out: Who said three’s a crowd, when obviously that’s just what CBS has decided is the exact number of women a talk show about women talking requires. Five ladies…well, that’s just too much estrogen for just one sectional television couch. Co-Hosts Julie Chen, Sara Gilbert (Darlene!), and Sharon Osbourne will remain with The Talk while Leah Remini’s and Holly Robinson Peete’s contracts are unlikely to be renewed. It’s unknown if they’ll be replaced or if really they just weren’t sensational enough to rival the ribald antics happening at nemesis, The View. Personally, I think there should be nothing but lady talk shows on all day, every day, for every moment in life, and we could just start giving them similarly obvious names like The Position, The Speech, The Thought, The Hiccup, The Utterance, and The Shout. There just aren’t enough shows like this on television that get down to the real nitty-gritty of what women think, or about what it’s like to experience multiple birth, right? Wait. What? Who just lost a television show? Um, yeah…that would be bad. No, seriously, that would be awful. Of course they’ll do it…Kate Gosselin will probably be the next co-host on The Talk. (If this happens I want a million dollars.) [THR]
Nick Cannon, NBC’s New BFF!: You can definitely say that it hasn’t been easy for hard luck case Nick Cannon to claw his way from under Mariah Carey’s millions to make a name for himself. But this is exactly what he seems to be doing. It’s been a long road that’s led him to MTV and NBC hosting gigs, after starring in a few decently received genre films. Yes, indeed, the last few years have just been full of strife and turmoil for the one man promotion machine, but now he’s finally done it…landed a role on a new Fall show. He’ll play talk show co-host to Maya Rudolph’s character in NBC’s upcoming Up All Night also starring Christina Applegate and Will Arnett. In well deserved gratitude, NBC will allow Cannon to retain his hosting duties at America’s Got Talent so he’ll collect two NBC paychecks. Good for him! He’s worked so hard at this whole television host/pampered husband thing, isn’t it about time he finally got a break! [TV Guide]
Bradley Cooper Flees Crow: You know when we can all agree that something is a bad idea, but one person maintains that it will “change their career” and that it’s “going to be my Dark Knight Heath Ledger moment,” and we’re like, “Yawr, no.” Well, this is what happened with Bradley Cooples. He was in talks to star in the remake of The Crow because that should just happen…especially with chisel-chin, French speaking, smirk-king Bradley Coopersville. However he’s now bowed out reportedly due to “scheduling conflicts” which to us sounds like his agent hog-tied him to the desk and stated emphatically that doing this movie is “stupid” and “career destroying.” We agree. Sooo, who are they looking to replace him? Channing Tatum and Mark Wahlberg. Of course. Well, naturally Channing is perfect for this movie. G.I.: Joe was a colossal abomination of barftactic proportions…but Wahlberg? We thought better of you, guy. Wahlberg was offered the part before Cooper got involved, but for some reason a deal never materialized, we think because his agent hog-tied him to the desk and said that a Crow remake is “stupid” and “career destroying.” Tatum’s agent just brings him doughnuts. [THR]
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