The pounding headache, the stomach full of bile. The sweats, the farts, the poops. All across the world, Saturday morning comes and the cry of “Never again!” shouts from bathroom stalls everywhere as we hug our toilets, retching out another successful night.
Well, most of us don’t drink until we puke every weekend, so what’s the next best thing after getting rid of all the alcohol you put in your stomach? Putting greasy food in there to counteract the hours-old fermented beer! Sometimes this works to your advantage and you feel like a million bucks, and other times, well – see the first paragraph. It was going to happen anyway, so might as well have some substance to the puke, right?
Okay! Assuming I haven’t grossed you out by all the vomit-talk, here is my list of Seven Best Hangover Foods:
1. Pizza
Duh! Dr. Alluson recommends you eat pizza immediately after exiting the bar, as to ensure maximum alcohol soakage, slight sobering up so you can decide if you really want to sleep with that guy or girl, and a chance to stuff your face guilt free.
Do Not: Get something lame ass like chicken caesar salad pizza. You are drunk and eating pizza. Your diet is pointless.
2. Bacon Egg and Cheese Sandwich
Oh sweet Jesus, I believe in you because this sandwich has to be divine intervention. Egg? Good! Cheese? Good! Bacon? GREAT! The only caveat with getting a BEC sandwich is that some places stop cooking eggs after a certain time, so really, your BEC sandwich window is only until 11 AM. Tread carefully! There is nothing like being hungover and craving a BEC and then finding out the fucking deli won’t make you eggs.
3. Quiznos
I might be alone in this, but I fucking love Quiznos, especially when I’m hungover. Chicken Carbonara (split a Large with your bestie) and a Diet Coke. Fills your stomach, it’s delicious and cheesy, and (almost) guilt free since you’re still technically drunk, and anything you do when you’re drunk Doesn’t Count.
4. McDonalds Sausage McMuffin
It’s got all the essential ingredients of perfect hangover food: grease, cheese, and questionable meat choices. Plus, there are always Ugly People or Fat People or Fat Ugly People in McDonalds to point and laugh at, despite the fact you smell like a beer can and reek of cigarette butts. It’s always easier to point fingers at others, amirite?
5. Anything Made By Anyone Else
Let’s face it. You want a prize for just crawling out of bed and managing to sit on the toilet/pee straight. There is no way you are making anything for yourself unless it involves picking up the phone and dialing. But that takes so long! If you have a room mate, significant other, or live with your parents, wheedle your way into having them make you some breakfast. If they say no at first, just keep whining until they cook you something just so you’ll shut up. Trust me, it works every time.
6. Ibuprofen and a glass of water
Girl! Do you know what you did last night? I know you want to shame eat your feelings away, but goddamn, sometimes it’s best to just get back in bed after some ibueprofen. Turn on Netflix Instant, turn off your cell phone, and just try to take a nap. You can deal with punching your friend in the face tomorrow.
7. More Alcohol
Fuck it. If you can’t beat em, join em. Have a Bloody Mary. Or a Mimosa. At least with the Bloody Mary, you’re having fruit juice AND celery. The Mimosa’s even got some juice too!
Your fellow Crasstalkers Also Suggest:
Capt_BadAss says “fried egg and ham, the end”
Fred agrees with #6 and says “drink some water, take some alkaseltzer and go back to bed.”
EthologyNerd gets creative: “Gatorade and grease and klonopin; pot if you’ve got it”
Header pic via Wikimedia Commons
