Hello fellow Crasstalkers, it’s that time again!
“What time is that?” you ask. Well, I’ll tell you my friends. Once again the Apocalypse is upon us. In honor of this special day, let’s explore all the previous apocalypses (apocali?) of times gone by.
Back in the 1800s, amateur Bible student William Miller began to study the prophecies of Daniel and using the “year-day” method of prophetic interpretation. Wait, “year-day” method? *frantically searches Wikipedia* ahh, so the word day in apocalyptic prophecy is symbolic for an actual year of time. Just so we’re all clear on how this works out for Mr. Miller here, let’s review:
“The Millerites, like the earlier Bible students of the Reformation and post-Reformation eras, were historicists and the immediate spiritual forebears of Seventh-day Adventists. Seventh-day Adventists use the historicist method of interpretation and understand the ‘three and a half days’ is further reinforced as a “time, times, and half-a-time, (TIME=1 year/360 days, TIMES=2 years/720 days, HALF-TIME=½-year/180 days, or a total of 1260 days) and correspond to three and a half years, and these years correspond to 1260 days, which, after again applying the day-year principle, corresponds to 1260 years. Adventists hold that the expressions “time, times, and half a time” (Dan. 7:25; 12:7; Rev. 12:14), “forty-two months” (Rev. 11:2; 13:5), and “one thousand two hundred and sixty days” (Rev. 11:3; 12:6) all apply to the same time period. Adventists have traditionally understood it to apply to the vast middle period of 1260 years of papal supremacy in the Middle Ages, and ending during the era of the French Revolution.”
Got it? Good.
So in 1820, William Miller came to the conclusion that the Bible prophecy meant that the apocalypse would be upon us on or before 1843. He shared his conclusions with the locals and some ministerial folk, but was essentially ignored. I can’t imagine why.
However, he then sent in 16 (SIXTEEN?) articles to be published in a Baptist paper, and media being what it is, naturally attracted some interest from near and far. He started to receive letters and requests for information on his findings, so he then produced a 64-page synopsis of his teachings and went ahead and sent them far and wide for as many eyes as possible to read.
In 1840, Miller’s associate, Joshua Vaughn Himes, began publishing a biweekly newsletter of Miller’s beliefs known as Signs of the Times. This paper is still published by the 7th-Day Adventist Church today, which makes it 168 years old. I’ll give them credit for persistence.
As time went on, Miller began to publish more and more papers and gained an increasing number of followers. He was asked repeatedly to predict a date of the coming of Jesus Christ, and finally conceded to share that Jesus would appear to cleanse and purify, etc, etc, between March 21st, 1843 and March 21st 1844. Immediately after March 21st, everyone who was going to be here was still here, and Miller naturally came to the conclusion that some of the dates and mumbo jumbo he decided to use in his predictions could have been a little off, so he then concluded the real date of Christ’s return was to be April 18th, 1844. Then, after the continued existence of man, and some dying off of Miller’s popularity, those who stuck with him decided to move some numbers around and get really creative, and the date of the end of the world was changed to October 22, 1844.
Apparently this was a rather convincing prediction, as many of his followers sold all of their possessions and property, and prepared themselves for the second coming. Clearly, they were sorely disappointed when October 22nd came and went and they were left with, well, nothing. Actually, that’s not true. The date did earn it’s very own name to go down in history: The Great Disappointment. Ahh… the truth hurts sometimes, doesn’t it?
Now we’ll leave the Seventh-Day Adventists, and take a stroll down the hallway of doom to the Jehovah’s Witnesses (Watchtower Bible and Tract Society). Our friends the JWs had concluded at some point that the start of the War of Armageddon (aka battle of the Great Day of God Almighty) would begin in 1914. To which I say: A war, really? I thought it was more of an all-at-once type of thing. Well crap, if this is going to take awhile, I should probably stock up on the Costco Armageddon set.
The prophecy was based on the book of Daniel, chapter 4. Somewhere the writings referred to “seven times”, which was taken by the Witnesses to mean each time equals 360 days, giving a grand total of 2520 days until the start of the apocalypse. But wait – there’s more! This then was interpreted to mean 2520 years from the date of 607 BC, resulting in 1914 as doomsday. Well, that year came and went, and we’re all still here, so they then decided that 1914 was the time that Jesus Christ inevitably began his rule. I’m thinking if he’s ruling, he might want to speak up from time to time. Then again, he has that gig on South Park…
Where was I? Oh, right. The next major estimate was 1925. Watchtower magazine predicted: “The year 1925 is a date definitely and clearly marked in the Scriptures, even more clearly than that of 1914; but it would be presumptuous on the part of any faithful follower of the Lord to assume just what the Lord is going to do during that year.” Ok, cool. So 1925 is totally significant. Well, the Chrysler Corporation was founded that year so… maybe?
Well, the WTS are a persistent bunch, so after 1925 came and went without their war beginning, they then focused on 1975 as a good date for the end of the world. Apparently this was 6000 years from the creation of Adam, and exactly 1,000 years were to pass for each day of the creation week. Did this prophecy work out? You be the judge.
Now the story is it will be 6,000 years from the creation of Eve, but no one actually knows when that is, so I suppose if the apocalypse is upon us, the Watchtower Society can run around telling all of us they now know when Eve was created. I’m willing to humor them at that point. I won’t share my freeze-dried food preserves though. That shit is MINE.
Finally, we’ll visit our most recent apocalyptic “scare”, courtesy of radio preacher Harold Camping, of Oakland California. Mr. Camping predicted May 21st, 2011 as the date of the End of Days, “beyond the shadow of a doubt”. Am I the only one who says “End of Days”, in a deep, booming voice in their head every time they read it?
About 3% of the world’s population was to be raptured into heaven on this date. Now, this brings about an interesting question. During most of the day, the world is in two different actual dates. So, was this May 21st in the United States, and May 22nd in Australia? Well, no – that would be silly! Those deserving souls were to be raptured AND that massive earthquakes would occur across the world, at about 6 PM local time in each time zone.
How did this man come to his prediction of May 21st as the end of the world? Well, through numbers, of course! Numbers, what can’t they do? Per Wikipedia: Back in 1970, Camping dated the Great Flood to 4990 BC. Using this date, taking the statement in Genesis 7:4 (“Seven days from now I will send rain on the earth”) to be a prediction of the end of the world, and combining it with 2 Peter 3:8 (“With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day”), Camping concluded that the end of the world would occur in 2011, 7000 years from 4990 BC. Camping takes the 17th day of the second month mentioned in Genesis 7:11 to be May 21, and hence predicts the rapture to occur on this date.
Right. Furthermore, Camping argued that the number 5 equals “atonement”, the number 10 equals “completeness”, and the number 17 equals “heaven”. There’s got to be some rationale behind this somewhere, right? If you find it, let me know.
Regardless, the number of days between April 1, 33 AD, and May 21, 2011 AD is 722,500. Christ is said to have hung on the cross on April 1, 33 AD. The time between April 1, 33 AD and April 1, 2011 is 1,978 years. To be fair, Christ is also said to have been born in April of 6 BC. In fact, lots of things can be said, that’s what happens when people talk.
Anyway, back to the numbers game; If you multiply 1,978 by 365.2422 days (the number of days in a solar – not lunar year), the result is 722,449. The time between April 1 and May 21 is 51 days. 51 added to 722,449 is 722,500.
(5 × 10 × 17)2 or (atonement × completeness × heaven)2 also equals 722,500.
Camping said that 5 × 10 × 17 is telling us a “story from the time Christ made payment for our sins until we’re completely saved.”
Believe it or not, this actually proves something. It incontrovertibly proves that anyone with a calculator and a basic understanding of math can come up with significance for anything they want. I’m going to have to figure out how to win the lottery with this type of logic, because it clearly can be done.
Because Mr. Camping had previously predicted the end of the world for 1994, not many churches and religious organizations took him seriously and kept their church services scheduled for Sunday, May 22nd, at which all the regulars were likely in attendance.
Mr. Camping was clearly baffled by the lack of nonexistence of the world, or said correctly, the continued existence of the world, so on Monday, May 23rd, he announced that May 21st was a date of spiritual judgment, but the end of the world itself would take place on October 21st, 2011. Yeah… that’s it. That’s the ticket…
Please note, however, May 21st has come and gone, but it seems that was merely Judgment Day. The end of the world, however, will not happen until October 21st. Schedule your Halloween parties early, people! Also, how hard would it be to get Dairy Queen to have an EOTW special day on October 21st? Think about it, Brownie mudslides, Pecan Earthquakes, Fireball Sundaes? It’s so perfect, it can’t not happen. Granted, I did make two of those products up, but they could make it work. I have faith.
So there you have it, three more doomsday scenarios of days past (and half of one to come). You be the judge – will we be around come October 22nd? Will you be giving away all your earthly belongings and preparing for the rapture? Or do you plan on reading snarky articles about these Apocalyptic predictions at your computer on that day?
Discuss your theories, or share your thoughts in the comments. Until next time, fellow mortals!
