Well, you wake up with the monkey on your back, the hair of the dog somewhere in your throat, and oddly you’re wet…inexplicably. Sounds to most of us like you’ve just had a Hangover experience! Now run around frantically waving your arms and screaming at the heavens. This will help.
Not really. But at least there are a few guys who know exactly how you feel…and they’re running this town tonight.
1) The Hangover Part II – $105.8 Million
Well, Holy Smoking Monkeys! This quiet little movie about four guys having a bachelor brunch at the local IHOP took in quite a haul over this long weekend. Who would have thought eggs, bacon, and never-ending pancakes could rack up such cold, hard, recycled cash? Not us. Certainly, not us. You would think these dudes woke up in a dirty motel room with face tattoos, bald heads, and enough chin stubble to re-sod the ass of a wanton baboon. But that’s totally not what happened in this movie. In this movie one boring dentist guy attempts to marry Jamie Chung from The Real World: San Diego while his three buddies form a barbershop quartet and serenade the awesome new couple as they embark on their new lives together free from raucous humor about debauchery in Thailand where Nicolas Cage just runs around on motorcycles with his hair-merkin flapping in the breeze while working as a hitman, a wickerman, or an international porn star named Dangerous Nicky Bangcock. Nothing to see here folks. Just four guys and a wedding and Nic Cage using his Oscar to fund his next movie, Bangkok Dangerous Part II: The Rise of Ken Jeong.
2) Kung Fu Panda 2 – $62.2 Million
This is a pretty good showing for the high-flying bear. We would be remiss not to mention all the good work the Obama Administration has put forth in their “Let’s Move Panda” effort. If not for them I don’t think we would see such activity from the large panda and his living internal actor Jack Black. Normally we assume both the bear and Black spend their days lazing on the couch eating bamboo chips and drinking some kind of Panda Fanta soft drink. So this is an improvement. They’re up. They’re active. Leaping in the air, running up stairs, doing some sort of bear-man karate chop…all good things. Is it time for a strip mall Karate dojo? Well, naturally. Where else will we find recruits for the next two installments of these Kung Fu fighting animal movies? Obviously the dojo will be run by none other than Danny McBride, who is just so hilarious in all of these movies about Kung Fu and hair mullets…so just who better, amirite? No, actually, I’m not right. There’s nothing hilarious about Danny McBride.
3) Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides – $50.4 Million
Welp, it’s the year 2085, and Johnny Depp’s reanimated corpse is still pillaging and plundering on the high seas! It’s so great that modern science found a way to keep his entire body frozen. With the exception of that incident in 2035, it very nearly worked. Then, well, then we were only able to reanimate certain body parts. For the rest…regeneration. Just regrew ’em right onto his body! He got a new leg and everything. But in 2035 no one saw that shark. Really. The shark just appeared out of nowhere. We got it on film, though. Heh. Science is so awesome. We thought we were going to have to give him a peg leg just like a real pirate. Bruckheimer didn’t go for it, though. After all, these pirate movies aren’t about authenticity. It’s just a floating slot machine. Just put in your quarters and we’ll churn one of these things out every two years. We’ll be ready to go for another one by 2087. Sure, Johnny doesn’t have a jaw anymore. We keep it in a separate jar. Killer eels, you know. When we’ve finished embalming him with amphetamines we’ll just glue it back on his face right before filming. No one will know. SCIENCE!
4) Bridesmaids – $21.0 Million
::Possible Spoilers:: (If you care at this point.)
Brought to you by the makers of Kaopectate and Depends undergarments is the ribald comedy Bridesmaids! Heh. You guys thought this movie was about a bunch of lady-friends taking a trip to Dubai in flowing dresses on a magic carpet of botox and skin cream? Well, you’d be sorely mistaken, friend. This movie is the exact opposite of that…well, with the exception of that first movie where Charlotte drinks some water in Mexico and ends up with…uh, pudding pants. This movie is about girls making funny faces, having bodily functions, being jealous of other girls, and ultimately putting a big cookie on their heads. Because secretly this is what we all want to do…put a huge chocolate chip cookie on our heads when it can no longer fit into our mouths. Boys take note. Chocolate. Cookie. Head. Got it? No, seriously, we’re happy Kristen Wiig’s movie about dresses you can only wear once, (and no you will not ever shorten it and wear it again, unless by again you mean wearing it to the back of your closet where that pantsuit your mother-in-law gave you lives) is successful. It does mean a lot for women’s comedy…that or the proliferation of the digestive ailment treatment section of Rite Aid.
5) Thor – $12.0 Million
Enough of this crap. Movie studios, can you guys send us an e-mail or something asking us what superheroes we’d like to see in a movie? I say this because if you asked me if I wanted Thor to become a movie, I would have said, only if Aquaman is the other choice. One dude has a magic hammer, and the other talks to fishes. This sounds like an evening out in the mental-fun ward at Bellevue. These guys are not among the higher echelon of superhero. What, can we expect every mediocre comic book character to get his or her own movie now? That Green Lantern thing looks like Jim Carrey’s The Mask produced by Hanna-Barbera, and Captain America comes running in an army bunker holding a shield and shooting a gun? Really? Just a gun? How is this different than any other jacked up dude high on magic movie steroids waving a firearm? Are you really serious about these things? I think you might be. I’m preparing for a summer full of Ben Stiller and his band of Mystery Men. Fantastic. Carry on. Stan Lee has several more cameos to make.
