Marvel is set to take over the world very soon. As if you didn’t already know. It is truly their universe now, we just kind of dwell here eating Cheetos and watching American Idol. But not this weekend. This weekend hordes of people will flood the theaters to see another blond man work a hammer that has nothing to do with extreme makeovers.
You can’t touch this.
Thor
Well, slap me with a hammer and make me a God. The critics pretty much love Thor. Um, I’m simply amazed.
The epic adventure THOR spans the Marvel Universe from present day Earth to the mystical realm of Asgard. At the center of the story is The Mighty Thor, a powerful but arrogant warrior whose reckless actions reignite an ancient war. As a result, Thor is banished to Earth where he is forced to live among humans. When the most dangerous villain of his world sends its darkest forces to invade Earth, Thor learns what it takes to be a true hero.
What you can expect: Large, blond, man-tower Chris Hemsworth will wield the God-hammer pretty effectively so it seems. Kenneth Branagh directs this newest entry into Marvel’s never-ending comic-turn-feature-film domination. Branagh at the helm at first seemed pretty scoffable since Branagh is largely known for his plodding, meticulous Shakespearean epics. Apparently this more than works for Thor, and it’s not all that surprising if you remove some of the inherent cheese of comic book movies, many Shakespearean plays were about great men, Gods in their own minds, their foils, and the ladies who loved them all… and there was plenty of comedy to go around… ripe material for a Shakespearean master who knows how to balance it all. So well done for Branagh for turning an expected schlock-fest into something that’s getting reviews like, “Thor is the most entertaining superhero debut since the original Spiderman,” according to Richard Roeper.
What could annoy: Natalie Portman. I’m just tired of her already. I get it. This is Portman’s year. Fine. Whatever. But there has been just so much Portman. It seems every month there she is with her crooked smile, her uncomfortable stammer, and itchy, crumple face. So far this year, Black Swan, The Other Woman, No Strings Attached, Your Highness, and Thor. Enough. I think there are other female actors of note to watch, like Kat Dennings, the little sarcastic mostly indie chick who’s been more than charming as the best BFF sidekick. It looks like she does more of that here, but then what else can she do while dancing off-beat in Natalie Portman’s shadow?
Something Borrowed
Gawker’s favorite movie is going down in flames. Not surprising.
Rachel (Ginnifer Goodwin) is a talented attorney at a top New York law firm, a generous and loyal friend, and, unhappily, still single-as her engaged best friend Darcy (Kate Hudson) is constantly reminding her. But after celebrating her 30th birthday, perpetual good girl Rachel unexpectedly ends up in the arms of the guy she’s had a crush on since law school, Dex (Colin Egglesfield)…who just happens to be Darcy’s fiancé.
What you can expect: Chick-flick, Häagen-Dazs bound lady-movie. Sorry, but that seems to really sum this up. Women flouncing around looking quite fetching in their big city designer clothes, and fretting about the moral issues that plague the most obtuse of overly-spoiled characters. Veritable fluff and drivel. And it sucks that these movies exist just to be “cute” and “clumsy” and place women in silly situations, where they could have been smarter, funnier, and certainly more interesting. According to critics, it takes the easy way out and stays in the realm of unbelievable inanity. It says a lot when all the reviewers are heralding John Krasinski as the only saving grace. Colin Covert of the Minneapolis Star Tribune says it all, “I can’t imagine an audience for this other than backers, relatives or friends of the filmmakers, and even they will find their mettle tested.”
What could annoy: See the above. And also the fact that Kate Hudson had a lot of promise once upon a time. See her portrayal as Penny Lane in Almost Famous for which she was nominated for an Oscar. As of late she’s been a little too comfortable playing these one-dimensional characters. In the past even in the requisite chick-flick, like How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days she showed a bit more range and depth, and her mother’s knack for comedic timing. Hopefully she’ll find that again, you know, when she’s not dating musicians or sports figures professionally.
Jumping the Broom
Well, there’s certainly no bliss headed for the honeymoon here. Critics are decidedly not holding their peace.
A collision of worlds when two African-American families from divergent socioeconomic backgrounds get together one weekend in Martha’s Vineyard for a wedding.
What you can expect: I think this movie has been done before. Actually I’m almost positive this movie has been done before. Tyler Perry made this movie, probably his fifth or sixth Madea movie if we’re counting, and moved on to other family dramas, and ever more cash. But that’s not to say that this isn’t a good effort at showing a different facet of the “black family” that doesn’t star Martin Lawrence. It’s not often socioeconomic differences amongst African-Americans are portrayed on the big screen infused with humor and lightheartedness. In a change of pace it’s essentially a rom-com, or to put a finer point, a dramedy. However, despite its efforts to pull itself out of the Tyler Perry cycle of stereotypical fare, it doesn’t quite succeed, and there are still moments of cringe-y generalizations.
What could annoy: Lots of drama, needlessly so. While watching powerhouses Angela Bassett and Loretta Devine go head to head could serve as pleasing entertainment, by the end of this movie they’ve exhausted all the “we’re so different” issues, and it should focus more on parenting, commitment, love, and family. It has those elements, but some of the disastrous subplots and outrageous scenarios seek to spoil the broth.
The Beaver
Mel Gibson seeks advice and therapy from a stuffed beaver and the critics think at least, “Hey, he’s getting help somewhere.”
Two-time Academy Award (R) winner Jodie Foster directs and co-stars with two-time Academy Award (R) winner Mel Gibson in THE BEAVER – an emotional story about a man on a journey to re-discover his family and re-start his life. Plagued by his own demons, Walter Black was once a successful toy executive and family man who now suffers from depression. No matter what he tries, Walter can’t seem to get himself back on track… until a beaver hand puppet enters his life.
What you can expect: Life imitating art or art imitating life? So many questions. Either way, Mel Gibson is a man conflicted. A man on the edge, and a man who’s had one too many bad days…and he knows it. From what it seems, it’s hard in some instances to know where the man ends and the actor begins. He’s pretty flawless, which is something Gibson is known for. We’ve never questioned his acting ability. He’s often spectacular. And he does more of that here, by effortlessly stealing the show, and it’s certainly hard to reduce Jodie Foster to backdrop. However, as director, Foster knows just what to get out of her beleaguered actor, so in effect, they both deliver.
What could annoy: The entire premise. If you can’t get beyond the fact that this guy is seeking mental health advice, therapy, and perhaps a cure from a stuffed animal, then well, there’s not much else Jodie or Mel will be able to do. All the great acting and directing in the world can’t make you “get” the whole beaver thing if it’s too much of an aesthetic stumbling block. I think most of us may have a tough time with that, and well, the lunacy that’s taken over the mind of Gibson. Undoubtedly, people may still be curious. Oscar buzz? Well, we’ll see.
Indie Pick:
Hobo With a Shotgun
From the title of this movie alone, it speaks to my snark-filled heart, and critics agree. (You get the whole movie summary and not just a synopsis, because they say “Fuck” in it, and that’s just too cool to cut out.)
A train rolls into its final stop. From one of the freight cars jumps a weary-eyed transient with dreams of a fresh start in a new town. Instead, he lands smack-dab in the middle of an urban hellhole, a place where the cops are crooked and the underprivileged masses are treated like insignificant animals. This is a city where crime reigns supreme, and the man pulling the strings is known only as “The Drake.” Along with his two cold-blooded and sadistic sons, Ivan and Slick, he rules with an iron fist, and nobody dares fuck with The Drake, especially not some hobo. Director Jason Eisener’s blood-soaked return to the Sundance Film Festival is more than just a nod to the grindhouse flicks of the 1970s and ’80s; he ups the ante in a major way, and Rutger Hauer’s performance is a legendary display of brutal ass-kicking and meticulous name-taking that is not to be missed.
The Short and Sweet: Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Rutger Hauer as an ass-kicking hobo?! I’m not sure what’s better than this. It’s like someone gave me a Christmas gift in the shape of a fist wearing a hobo suit! What’s a hobo suit you ask? A suit with a crazy hobo carrying a shotgun and splattering all manner of assdevils to hell! Sounds awesome. We’ve missed Rutger Hauer haven’t we? There’s just not enough crazy man killer dudes out there what with Busey doing odd jobs for Donald Trump, and Christopher Walken joking around on 30 Rock… so we needed this. Blaze on Hauer.
Indie Tank:
An Invisible Sign
The sign is so invisible the critics almost forgot to review it. Almost.
Young Mona idolizes her father, a brilliant mathematician. When he suddenly demonstrates signs of mental illness, Mona begins to obsess about numbers, using them to interpret an unpredictable and threatening world. Now an adult (Jessica Alba), Mona’s old superstitions and compulsive behaviors continue to flourish, but a new job as an elementary school math teacher (a position she both relishes and dreads), may force her out of her protective shell.
The Short and Sweet: Jessica Alba is just boring everyone to tears in her lone indie attempt. It seems to be the worst kind of indie…long-winded, too quirky for its own good, cutesy in a not good way, and all wrapped up in a bubble of eccentric gobbledygook. Of the few reviewers who thought it perhaps a good idea to watch Jessica Alba do something not requiring smiling at the camera for a few hours, Edward Douglas of ComingSoon.net says, “Simply put, An Invisible Sign is one of the worst movies we’ve seen in a very, very long time.” I also like this guy, Harvey S. Karten, from CompuServe (Is this the old web platform from like 1996?) who added, “Too twee to be effective.”
More Indies Out Today:
- Last Night — Keira Knightley, Sam Worthington, and Eva Mendes enter a dastardly love triangle only capable with people who look like Keira Knightley, Sam Worthington, and Eva Mendes.
- Harvest — Robert Loggia plays the patriarch to an awkward group who gather at a shoreline town in this staid family drama.
- Daydream Nation — Cutie-pie Kat Dennings is seventeen and living in a town full of losers until she meets an exciting teacher and all manner of bad, wrong, and just no things happen.
- Passion Play — Mickey Rourke, Bill Murray, and Megan Fox (who is just naturally in a movie with Rourke and Murray) get all gangster-like and damsel in distressable in this thriller about jazz, and Rourke and Fox getting it on. Ew.
- The Vintner’s Luck — Vera Farmiga, Gaspard Ulliel, Keisha Castle-Hughes, and Jérémie Renier live in a world of 19th Century fantasy where a winemaker seeks love and a successful vineyard with the help of a guardian angel.
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