Game of Thrones Recap: Crown of Gold

This week on Thrones we look more deeply into all that glitters. What is a gold crown really worth? Can it bring down a kingdom, or save it? Some certainly seem to think it has the answers many men seek.

And we’re inclined to agree. Let’s see how the golden crown works its magic.

Not in Kansas Anymore: Imagine waking up to see and hear the voice of that co-worker in your office who sends you inane emails (about the Rapture), who brown-noses and schemes their way into bonuses and extra potato salad at the company picnic. You hate that guy, his name is Todd, and he’s a self-righteous, bootlicking, jackal…well, that must be what it felt like to be Ned and wake up with Cersei standing over his bed. She wants to know why he’s taken her brother, (as if she doesn’t know), and makes up this talking-ass story about Ned leaving a brothel and attacking Jaime, to which King Robert says, “Oh, wow, yeah, shut up.” Because that’s soooo Ned’s character, Cersei. No, not at all. This isn’t some fight between the children where you can just order a dire wolf dead.

Incensed that Robert can see through her lie, she goes a step further with her wails of injustice and ever so smartly, she accuses Robert of wearing the dress in the family…see, so smart that Cersei. Robert hauls off and gives her a smack. Not the most noble moment for King Robert of the Wine and Whores, but he does it anyway. Ned disapproves, but remains silent. This little tete-a-tete between Robert and Cersei further clues us in on their, ridiculous, loveless marriage…as if we needed the reminder. Robert admits that hitting Cersei was not “kingly”…but then not much about Robert is very kingly now is it?

He further insults Ned by demanding Lady Stark return Tyrion, and that Ned make peace with Jaime who butchered Ned’s men in the street. He just doesn’t care. He wants his kingdom nice and wealthy so he can continue presiding over his daily bodily functions. He also doesn’t want to anger the Lannisters i.e. The King’s Purse, and tells Ned to basically “Get Over It.” Seeing a life full of obeying the bloated belly of King Snackcake, Ned still tries to back out of this King’s Hand of Bullshit job, but Robert tells him to stay because he’s “The King and He Gets What He Wants.” Nice. He’s a little boy at a lunch table lording over all his bear claws. Awkwardly, Robert calls Ned his brother, throws him the Hand of the King’s Hairpin and tells Ned, Bill Lumbergh style, “Hey, I’m going away to kill some stuff, so you’ll have to sit on the throne and work this weekend.” He renews his statement about killing the Targaryen girl and admonishes Ned never to remove the Hand of the King’s Hairpin again or he’ll pin it on Jamie, which kind of sounds like saying he’ll bench Ned before the big game against State and hand the ball to Todd’s brother, Thane.

A Hankerin for Scrambled Dragon Eggs: We’re back with Dany, the horselordess Gelfling, and she’s wondering about those dragon eggs. Wondering things like, “Just what will happen if I cook one?” “Am I hungry?” “Will a dragon shoot out?” “How old is this egg?” Does it have an expiration date?” It starts to heat up and sizzle (Yum) and Dany reaches in…a servant sees her and wonders just what the moonshine this wacky blond chick is doing boiling eggs in the middle of the night. Just when Dany’s hands touch the burning egg, the servant rushes over, takes the egg and burns her hands, she looks at Dany’s and sees no burns. Interesting. FORESHAWDOWING.

The Trouble With Saddles: At Winterfell, Bran is dreaming of that three-eyed raven again, and is woken by Hodor showing him the saddle Tyrion designed. Bran is ecstatic, and Hodor thinks “Hodor.” Bran sets off riding, and we see Robb Stark and Theon Greyjoy debating using the army to hunt down the Lannisters for killing Ned’s men and injuring him in that wack-ass battle. Robb loses sight of Bran and out of nowhere appear a bunch of dirty hobos. These apparently are the Wildings, and they want Bran’s fancy duds and his horse. They mumble something about the White Walkers before getting their throats cut and their hearts arrowed by Robb and Theon who find the boy just before he was stolen for ransom. Curiously, Theon saves his young master, exhibiting loyalty to the Starks, despite Robb’s admonishment minutes earlier…and that whole hostage thing. Bah! Right?

Rolling, rolling, rolling..: We realize that it’s not so simple hanging out in a Sky Cell. You can try clinging to a wall, but as Tyrion has found in this opening scene, at some point, due to the steepness of the floor, you could very well roll right out into the sky. He awakes suddenly gripping onto the edge. He calls for his jailer, Mord, who answers his calls by beating him with a small billy-club. This scene plays out a little like a circus clown act. Tyrion shouts for his life and offers coin, and Mord seeing none just plays whack-a-mole until Tyrion shuts up. This is what happens when television in the Seven Kingdoms goes on summer hiatus.

The Heart Don’t Lie: We return to the Dothraki’s version of Fear Factor, Dany must eat an entire horse heart to the chanting of “Rock, rock, the house.” It seems to be some test of her worthiness as mother to the prince. Naturally. And because the Dothraki have pristine white carpets, apparently it’s important that she keep all the horse innards down, because projectile vomiting uncooked horse meat would mean weakness and a need for plastic covering for the horse hide floor. Swiffer mops…this is the answer.

Aside from the obvious, I’m thinking there’s no way us regular folks would be worthy. Mostly we’d paint that entire room with horse chunks with our spewage, but Dany, encouraged by Khal Drogo’s sexy smolder (Damn!), swallows back the gorge and wins the challenge. And to Viserys’ dismay she receives…the adoration of her people. Something he’ll never get as long as he’s a steaming pile of douche. A prophecy is then writ for her son, and he is named after her two favorite spaghetti sauces, Prego and Ragu, making this child’s name Rheago Drogo.

Viserys stomps off the playground and decides this is the perfect time to steal his sister’s toys, like the little jerk face that he is. Ser Jorah discovers what he’s up to and tells him, “Nah, dude. You can’t take the dragon eggs when you turn tail and get out of dodge.” Viserys, in a fit of Sarah Palinian delusion, still believes that there’s a dynasty waiting for him, and that he’s its last hope. He hopes to use the dragon eggs to buy an army and some measure of respect, because that always works. He goes on and on in his jealous sibling rant. To which Jorah says, “Yeah, whatever, you’re late for kickball in Williamsburg, beat it, but you’re not taking the eggs.” Realizing that all this time he mistakenly thought Jorah was loyal to him, Viserys knows that Jorah’s loyalty is undoubtedly with his sister and that he would “throw down” to keep her eggs safe. Viserys drops the bag and executes a perfect flounce out to end all flounce outs.

You Can’t Kid a Kidder: Back at the Eyrie, Tyrion and Mord are still playing “Beat the Little Man Until Money Falls Out.” He tries to convince Mord, who’s as thick as a wall of bricks, that just because there’s no money in his pockets that it doesn’t mean the money isn’t still his, but gets all slick by using words like abstract concept…bash…I don’t know where the money is…bash. Finally we start to see the wheels turn in Mord’s hamster-run brain. He gets that Tyrion=Lannister and Lannister=money. Good Job! He convinces Mord to let him into the throne room to “confess his crimes” to Catelyn (Lady Stark), Lysa, and Lysa’s monster-child, Milky-Robin, who’s an annoying little halfwit. Tyrion launches into one of the best scenes of the entire series. He regales the court with “specifics” of various childhood pranks. Um, yes, laughing out loud were we all at tales that had the words, eel, snake, and sausage. Oh, you naughty, naughty, Imp you. Lysa silences him right at the start of a story about how a Jackass and a honeycomb walk into a brothel…aww, we wanted to hear that one, and so did Robin The Eight Year Old Pervert. Yikes.

Like a good lawyer, Tyrion’s opening statement proved to get what he wanted, a trial for his crimes. Rather than be judged by the new Lord of the House, Robin the Milk-Monstering Pervert, he opts for combat, since that little clapping psychopath would toss Tyrion out the Moon Door (the Eyrie’s inverted moon roof) just for the fun of it. Seeing his chances, Tyrion tries to name Jaime as his champion to fight in his stead. Lady Alanis Morissette says, “You Outta Know” and tells him no, Jaime is too far and the trial will be today. At first it seems no one will stand for the Imp until one person, Bronn, one of the locals Lady Stark picked up at the inn to make a citizens arrest on Tyrion, (but who probably also knows the Lannister’s affinity for wealth), decides to step up.

Later, Tyrion’s and Lysa’s champions fight it out. They jump, they swivel and side-step, they slash, and just really ruin all of Lysa’s crazy-lady furniture. Finally, Tyrion’s man gets the best of his opponent by wearing him down. Bronn kills him and pushes him out the moon door. Lysa tells him that he didn’t fight with honor, to which Bronn shrugs and says, “Nope.” Tyrion is released, he gets his money back, gives a “Rot in hell you crazy crone” bow to Lysa, throws his payment to Mord, and pimp-strides out the Chrysler building with Bronn in tow.

City of Brotherly Love: Now we’re out with Robert and Renly. During his hunt, Robert is in his element of killing things and talking about bedding various women. He preens in front of his brother about both. Renly has no interest in either and quite effectively calls his brother a brutish, stupid, whoring oaf, because instead of remarking on all the turmoil the kingdom has suffered over the years, he’s reliving tales of frat parties and river girls. Realizing Renly is right, the King then wants to get all formal thrusting his Kingness in his brother’s face. Renly says, “Yeah, whatever, fat bastard” and produces another epic flounce. These guys last night…just fantastic flouncers. Robert is stunned until his servant appears with more wine, which shuts him up as if fed a baby’s bottle.

The King Will See You Now: Back at King’s Landing, Ned sits uncomfortably on the King’s Throne of Butt Pokers. Some townsfolk are telling him about a bunch of soldiers led by the Lou Ferrigno of the Seven Kingdoms, and how they’re murdering and raping everyone out here. Hide yo’ wife, hide yo’ kids.

Ned discovers that Lou is none other than Ser Gregor, “The Mountain” and is taking orders from the Lannister patriarch, Tywin. The soldiers have left a little calling card which the town’s mayor has dumped in the middle of the throne room. Littlefinger realizes the bloody stuff is supposed to symbolize the Tullys, the family of Ned’s wife. Ever the little Loki on Ned’s shoulder, he says, “Can you think of any reason why the Lannisters could be angry with your wife?” Ned realizes the implication, but regardless, won’t stand for taunts and tactics and demands Tywin Lannister come to King’s Landing to answer for his crimes. Marley’s ghost, Master Pycell, wants to wait for Robert the King, because he needs everyone to know that Robert is the king. You can tell him that a baby was burned and everyone is dying from a zombie attack, but yet, Robert is king. Ned rolls his eyes at old Nicodemus and his Rats of NIMH cloak, and stands firm on his order.

Theon and Roz, the Luke and Laura of Winterfell: This was a little moment of desperate ew. Roz, realizing that there will likely be war, is getting out of town since all the men will surely die, and Theon is none too happy to see her go. And Because he’s such a romantic, he taunts her a bit, throws her a sixpence to see her lady-goods one last time, and because we need this particular treat, we see it too. I suppose this is a bit of Quid pro quo, full-frontal retribution from last week. THANKS, THEON! Now we need eye-bleach.

A Little Lesson About Genetics: At King’s Landing, Sansa is being an annoying teenager, whining and complaining, teasing her nanny, and just being quite bitchy, until that little puke stain Joffrey comes to visit. He says some gobbledygook about not being an asshat, and how Sansa’s his lady now. Hork! Sansa buying this block of cheese, smiles at Joffrey like he just gave her a crystal encrusted iPhone and they share a kiss which is meant to solidify their betrothal made in hell, I guess. Septa is disgusted and we agree.

Later, Ned tells both Arya and Sansa that they need to go back to Winterfell for their safety. Arya’s mostly concerned with missing her fight training, and Sansa is upset she won’t see Joffrey and would have to settle for writing his name, her name, and their make believe children’s names on paper surrounded by hearts. Ned, exasperated, says that he will make Sansa a match with a good, brave, strong, gentleman. Sansa shouts, “I don’t want somebody who’s brave and gentle and strong I want him!” And Arya scoffs…loudly. We mentally high-five Arya. “I’ll give him sons with beautiful blonde hair,” Sansa continues.

This exchange makes Ned think. He goes and checks the Westeros Lineage and Recipe Book and realizes that all of Roberts male relatives, and their sires, have black hair. All except Joffrey…who has a golden crown.

Well, what do you know? Joffrey, the son of Cersei and Robert and nephew of Jaime, who likes to incestuously shag his sister, has blond hair. WHAT EVER COULD THIS MEAN?

How Would You Like Your Golden Crown?: Back with the Dothrakis, they’re Rockin the Casbah after Dany’s big day, and in comes Viserys all high on humus and apple cider. He demands a seat at the “whore’s feast.” And he’s directed to the back of the tent, or preferably, the bottom of a horse’s dung covered foot. Viserys is all like, “That is no place for a king and his soy milk!” And OMG! Um, Drogo…I think, yes, I think he’s going to speak in English…yes, yes he does! What does the pounding-pectoral-man muscle with the dramatic eye-shadow say? “You are no king.”

Viserys, who must have lost his mind when he dropped those dragon eggs, pulls his sword and points it at his sister’s belly. Yes, oh yes, now he has Drogo’s attention. Viserys demands what is rightfully his, that what was promised when he made this little match in horselord heaven — his army and his crown. Dany takes this all in stride. She’s secure in her place, but knows Viserys has made a mistake. But maybe he didn’t…maybe Drogo understands her brother’s plight. He says, “You shall have a golden crown that men shall tremble to behold.” This is good, right? I mean, this means Drogo totally gets what it’s like to be a little pissant living in his sister’s shadow. You know, being some dude who’s willing to whore his own flesh and blood out to 200 men and their horses if he can get what he wants, right? Drogo totally knows this. Viserys is visibly relieved…until Drogo takes his belt off…and we see the woman manning the Dothraki stewpot dump it out, and Drogo put his belt in. Viserys is trapped as he realizes what’s going to happen. He screams “Dany!” for once using her name, not “whore of savages,” as he grew accustomed, but it falls on deaf ears. Dany, unlike characters from the Jersey Shore, is really and truly, done. Drogo takes the pot of molten gold and pours it over Viserys’ head. The end. “He was no dragon,” Dany says. “Fire cannot kill a dragon.”