Recently, noted drunken degenerate, soulless ginger and Crasstalk contributor Furiously Red wrote an article about how she had penis envy (Here). I found Red’s article both thoughtful and insightful, but it clearly showed she has no idea what having a penis entails. This is my rebuttal.
The penis is a funny organ. It’s even a funny sounding word, just say it a few times in your head and you start to wonder what the fuss is all over. A penis is also extremely capricious, working when you don’t want it to and sometimes failing to perform in critical situations. Imagine that you are a girl and every time you see a hot guy when you are out somewhere your right arm decides to stick straight out. Now everyone in the room (and probably that hot guy) knows you are sexually excited and there isn’t a damn thing you can do about it except spend the next five minutes thinking about baseball stats and putting your arm around a friend to hide what is going on. You think we like keeping track of baseball stats? They are super boring. Try comprehending the infield fly rule sometime and you’ll give yourself a headache.
Now imagine you are in school in math class, a time rife with involuntary boners. When you get called to the front of the room to write a problem out on the chalkboard there is no logical reason for you to carry your backpack or a book up there with you, so everyone gets to see you performing the Dan Fielding Salute (Look it up kids). Morning wood is also another drawback. When a man wakes up he probably has morning wood. Take a garden hose and put a kink in it, the water stops. This works by pretty much the same theory. When ladies wake up in the morning to pee, you can just sit down and go. We have to perform complex mathematical equations just to hit the damn toilet without peeing all over the wall or ourselves and this is before the first cup of coffee. As a bonus, you will probably yell at us for not hitting the mark anyway.
On the other end of the spectrum, sometimes the little guy just doesn’t want to perform. There is an entire pharmaceutical and spam mail industry built around this. Maybe we are just too drunk, maybe we are too stressed. Maybe my back hurts because I had to lift something heavy that day as part of my manly duties. It’s just not working, okay? It’s not you, stop crying! Yes we find you attractive or we wouldn’t have gotten naked with you in the first place. No your weird mole isn’t turning us off, why are you making this about you? I’m the one who suddenly can’t get a damn hard on! According to Wikipedia the average penis is between 5.1-5.9 inches in length. Telling us how your last boyfriend was hung like a horse is another surefire boner killer, so maybe you shouldn’t do that. He is a sensitive organ so remember to be kind to the penis in your life.
Having a penis means you have certain responsibilities, people expect certain things from you or expect you to act in a certain way. It is ok to cry as women, your friends will probably comfort you and take you out and tell you what a horrible man he was anyway. As a guy, if you start crying, your friends will probably move to the other side of the room and try to pretend like you don’t exist. As a bonus all the women in the room will think you are a wimp. Having a penis means you have to deal with the dead animal stinking up the yard and it virtually guarantees that when a friend moves he will ask you for help with the heavy lifting. You’ll do this because you are an idiot and then spend the next 3 days slowly moving around the house while every muscle in your body screams in pain. Don’t forget about the scary noise at night. Yes, having a penis means I have to awaken from a dead sleep go confront the robber myself even though he’s probably armed and dangerous! Another drawback is you will be expected to know how to fix things when they break: the car, the sink, the door, the window. We spend all our time learning these skills that we might only use four times in a lifetime just so we can impress our other male friends. I could have cured cancer or gone on to write a Nobel Prize-winning journalistic piece on the plight of women in the Middle East, but I was too busy learning to be an amateur plumber/carpenter/mechanic. We do this because when the faucet starts to leak or the front door is sticking we’d rather not pay a contractor the price of a small kingdom to come into our domain and fix it for us. That is seriously last resort.
Having a penis generally means having a great weakness, you call them “boobs”. With the power of your cleavage you can get yourself out of a speeding ticket. Try waving your dick around at the police officer who just pulled you over and see where that gets you. You can also use your cleavage to drink for free in any bar, anywhere there are men, because men are idiots. Smile and do a little flirting and BAM! Free drink. You can work an entire room this way and go out and not spend more than five to ten bucks, meanwhile as a guy in a bar you are probably going to spend twice as much money as you planned on and still go home drunk and alone.
In summary, you ladies out there should be thankful you are female. People open doors for you, guys offer to pay for meals and nobody ever blames the silent farts on you.