Well Crasstalk, hope you have had a great day. Since it is technically Friday for most of us soon, here is some classic weekend tv.
Ah, the good old days before Michael Richards was a scary racist. Have a great night, gang.
Daily Archives: March 10, 2011
16 posts
In Part One, we examined the need for choosing a Health Care Proxy and making decisions about your Advanced Directives. In Part Two, we examined the realities about CPR and artificial nutrition. Those are the big decisions that you need to make, but there are other things you may want to consider and put in your Advanced Directives/Living Will.
Hospital Transfers (Do Not Hospitalize order): If you are in a nursing home or even receiving treatment at home, you or your HCP can request a Do Not Hospitalize (DNH) order which is basically what it says. If you were to become acutely ill, you would not be sent to the Emergency Room for evaluation and treatment, but be treated where you are, non-aggressively. Hospitals can be a crappy place to spend your last hours. Busy, noisy and intrusive not to mention frightening to someone with dementia or really anyone in crisis. Hospitals are not the place for a peaceful death – if that is your goal. However, without an explicit order, it’s possible that you may get sent in by a skittish provider who is not familiar with you or your wishes.
No Diagnostics or Treatment: You can also ask to have no diagnostic work – blood work, x-rays etc. And request not to be treated for such common ailments as a urinary tract infection or respiratory infection. You may decline surgery, dialysis, blood transfusions and medications.
Organ Donation: Please, please, please be an organ donor. Let your family know of your decision and register as an organ donor. Even if you or your loved one has been sick for a while, they may still be eligible to donate skin, tissue or corneas. There is a myth that if you register as an organ donor, the ER staff will not work as hard to save you. Nothing could be farther from the truth. ER doctors and nurses live to save lives. It’s what they do, it’s who they are. Trauma unit staff take it personally if they can’t save you. It’s all they think about. They are not going to let you die if there is a single thing they can do about it. So please don’t not register because of this urban legend.
There are always going to be situations that don’t fit into the categories we have discussed. Again, I will recommend Five Wishes. This tool helps you think about life and death and what you priorities are. You can also use it to think about what a loved one may have wanted, if they haven’t expressed their wishes beforehand.
Nothing is harder than to have to make these decisions for someone you love. Please try to talk about this with you loved ones. Even if you can’t talk about it directly, try to understand and appreciate what makes life worth living for them, what their spiritual beliefs are so you can make the best decisions should you ever be in that position. And always remember it’s about the person who is sick, not about you. What would they have wanted? How would they want to live or die? What was important to them?
For anyone who is going through, or has gone through this, you have my deepest sympathy. I hope you are able to find peace and feel that you have done the best for your loved one.
As promised, an excerpt from my own advanced directives:
In the event that I
a) Am in a terminal condition caused by illness or injury and have no reasonable hope of recovery or becoming aware of my surrounding or being able to use my mental abilities and/or;
b) Have a progressive illness which will continue to worsen and result in my death and which cannot be improved or cured –including, but not limited to, progressive neurological diseases including, but not limited to: Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s, ALS, MS, or any form of dementia and/or;
c) Have any condition that makes me unable to recognize people or to speak understandably and this condition is permanent and cannot be improved or cured, but is not considered in and of itself to be terminal, including, but not limited to, a persistent vegetative state, coma, severe stroke, injury or the progressive neurological diseases or dementias listed above, my wishes regarding medical intervention are the following:
No resuscitation (no manual, electrical or chemical cardiac resuscitation)
No intubation or any form of respiratory support (see below re: oxygen
No dialysis, no blood transfusions
No surgery for any reason or condition
No oral or IV/IM antibiotics or any other medications given with the intent of saving or prolonging my life. Any underling medical conditions such as (but not limited to) diabetes, hypertension, DVT should not be treated, nor do I wish to be treated for any acute illnesses including (but not limited to) urinary tract infection or respiratory infection.
No artificial or supplemental nutrition or hydration in any form or via any mode of delivery.
No diagnostic testing or monitoring whatsoever. No blood work, no imaging nor any other test invasive or non-invasive to diagnose any illness or condition.
If I am in a skilled nursing facility, sub-acute or rehab hospital, no transfers to any acute care hospital or emergency department for care or evaluation under any circumstance.
I DO, however, wish to be given any medication, including, but not limited to, narcotic and/or non-narcotic pain relievers, benzodiazepines, anticonvulsants or similar medications IF the sole purpose is to decrease pain and/or increase comfort. As a nurse, I fully understand that these medications often, when used in amounts necessary to fully ease suffering, may hasten or even cause my death. I also authorize the use of oxygen so long as it is being used for comfort measures and not for prolongation of life.
Good evening gang. Hope you are having a great day. It’s cold and raining in Gotham and I am desperate for the weekend. Here is a little fun to get us all through until Saturday.
Have a great night.
This article was written by BaldwinP. Please give up some love.
Let’s start with the easy ones.
1. Mushrooms make you grow up big and strong. But as a side-effect, you may see turtles and other mushrooms walking around the place kidnapping princesses.
2. If you swallow the right pills, you can run around eating up ghosts!
3. Dropping blocks and doing lines is addictive.
I’m sensing a theme here.
But seriously, once upon a time when the Internet was a twinkle in Al Gore’s eye, video games were often educational as well as being fun. Instead of a computer in every home, laptop bag and hip pocket, computers and game consoles were a big investment for a family to make. Inevitably, this meant that many families wanted to be reassured that Little Bobby or Susie would be improved by the magic thing with the screen and a Golden Age of learning from video games began. Grand Theft Auto was not what most game-buying parents envisioned back then (unlike the more recent parents of Little Bobii, Soozzie and Maddisynn; in retrospect, the baby names were a warning). Without further ado, a nostalgia learning trip for the 70s and 80s children among us:
Civilization
Civ players could tell you how many hours of sleep they lost to that “Just One More Turn” impulse, but how many hours were spent reading the “Civilopedia” and learning about bronze working, clicking through to discover about the military brilliance of a Greek Phalanx, before jumping ahead to read about Women’s Suffrage and then ending the turn with a report from a historian like Gibbon or Toynbee? The school projects of a million nerds were born here… and so, one suspects, was Wikipedia.
Sim City
“Argh, traffic! I can’t stop the congestion, stop complaining!”
“Argh, housing prices! I build more residential zones and it does nothing!”
“Crime, ha! MORE POLICE!” …. “Argh, out of money, and they’ll hate me if I raise taxes, what to do?”
In retrospect, there was no better training for running a real city or country. If only George W Bush had played Sim City while sitting at his desk, the world would be a different place. For a start, Sim City has no war button, although it did have monster attacks and nuclear meltdowns to contend with…
Maxis went on to make games including evolution-simulator Sim Earth, genetic-experimentation-simulator Sim Life and ant-simulator Sim Ant before throwing over this educational lark in favour of The Sims.
Oregon Trail
What we learned: the past SUCKED. Be grateful we live in the present with computers and no dysentery and only having to eat horses in fancy restaurants.
I welcome your comments on your favourite classic games (educational or otherwise) in the comments. And remember to be careful with those mushrooms, or you might end up turning a family-friendly icon into this:
Charlie Sheen, our new social media overlord, has opened the door for veritable millions, or tens of dozens of applicants to sign on to be his very own intern.
We’re still not totally sure what that means exactly. We can only suggest that if he asks you to taste something or inhale something, you should think twice. Barring any scary incidents that involve sharing a sweat lodge and writing Haikus using the blood of a fruit bat, we think you’ll be okay!
After our little contest yesterday to find the absolute best person for the job, one such person stood out and indicated in a sincere and heartfelt manner all that they would do to make the incredibly difficult life of a spoiled and certifiable maniac go easier.
Here’s what our winner Thunderclees had to say:
Dear Mr. Sheen,
I recently learned of your need for a #TigerBlood intern. I believe that my unique combination of outstanding social media skills, tenacious work-ethic, and above-normal tolerance for narcotics would make me a strong addition to your team.
I believe that we have just ascended into the foothills surrounding the peak of Mount Sheen. Atop Mount Sheen, gilded eagles—not golden eagles, those pedestrian birds that anyone can see at some crummy zoo somewhere, but rather gilded eagles, bald eagles painstakingly covered by hand with gold leaf—gilded eagles soar freely, only for the pleasure of feeling the wind beneath their wings and seeing the sun glint off their metallic feathers. Ordinary Sherpas, hardy as they may be, will not bring you to the top of Mount Sheen; no, you, Mr. Sheen, will need a social media expert uniquely attuned to the needs of an extraterrestrial celebrity (I refuse to use the Earthly word “rockstar,” but to properly pronounce the correct word, I’d first have to rip out your tongue). I am that social media expert, and I will cover myself in any and all tattoos you deem necessary to demonstrate my commitment to Winning with Team Sheen.
I am sorry to hear about the recent departure of Miss Olson, and while I know I can never fill her shoes, I’ve been told that I’m quite comely when the viewer is properly intoxicated.
Thank you for your consideration, and I look forward to your response.
Warm regards,
Thunderclees
We think you’ll be fantastic! You have our full support. Remember, wash your hands regularly, make sure no one tries to put anything into your food or beverages, and most importantly check Sheen’s breathing every 46 minutes.
You’ve won our adoration, copious bragging rights, and this awesome picture of an egg sammich:
We’ve also drawn up a letter of recommendation that exalts your work ethic to set you on your way.
Mr. Sheen!
I have nothing but great things to say about Thunderclees. You couldn’t find a better intern. Not only will you gain someone who will go to the ends of the earth to find you the most obscure potions and elixirs to keep your virile synapses flowing, but you’ll get someone who can look intimately into your very soul and see all the westernized tumors that could take root in your essence. Thunderclees will pluck them out using nothing but the best miracle-based blessed daggers — after all, that’s what you’ll pay for.
Thunderclees is not just a person who can enhance your social media image, but someone who can brave the veritable bowels of hell, and erase any evil stains that lie within by fighting every be-sworn demon or demigod that could threaten your lair of wanton prostitutes, powdered substances, and genius thought-bubbles of enlightenment and ecclesiastic joy.
I recommend Thunderclees highly!
There is no better bearer of Bastille benevolence.
It will be a great loss to us to see Thunderclees go. But you, sir, truly deserve this treat.
Sincerely,
Spirit Fingers
President and CEO, FALcore Industries
EDIT: Chen just posted a piece on Gawker stating that he is not the person behind Lucidending, and that his statement on Twitter was a joke. It looks like I was wrong, and I apologize for that. I’m not going to link to the Gawker piece because I still feel this is a pretty pathetic way to garner pageviews, but it appears that the only thing Mr. Chen is guilty of is being careless in a public forum. Once again, my apologies. Honestly, I’m glad it’s not true. The thought that Mr. Chen could steep so low was disheartening. I’m glad I was wrong.
On March 6th, a person on Reddit with the username “Lucidending” posted that he was going to die on Tuesday, the 8th. He had cancer, and was exercising Oregon’s Death With Dignity Act to die. The thread, referred to as an “AMA” (Ask Me Anything), became one of the most popular posts in the history of the site. As of this writing, there were 9,823 comments, most showing an abundance of support or compassion for Lucidending. People took the time to share stories of loved ones who had lost their lives to cancer, and others composed songs for the OP. People from as far away as India wrote in to lend their support. The story was carried by various news outlets, including USA Today.
The kicker? It was fake. Some people were suspicious when Lucidending said that he had been given the cocktail to end his life, and already had the I.V., so administering it would be easy. The Death With Dignity Act doesn’t allow for the drug to be taken intravenously. It has to be ingested either by mouth or feeding tube.
On March 8th, Gawker’s Adrian Chen wrote in his twitter feed, “I have a confession to make: I was lucidending.”
On February 4th, Mr. Chen posted a story about a woman who was soliciting donations for cancer research, and was accused of fraud by a fellow Redditor. She turned out to be legit. From his Twitter account, it seems that Lucidending was a prank to turn the tables on Reddit’s “hardheaded skepticism.”
Yup. Point made. The woman who was asking for donations used a personal PayPal account. I wouldn’t send money to her, either. Making up a story about someone with cancer who is going to kill themselves is a completely logical reaction to that. If you ever watched someone you love waste away in front of you, Mr. Chen, then you might have some idea how heartbreaking it is to read a post like Lucidending’s. I hope you never have the experience that makes you understand how heinous your prank was.
Reading: it’s really a lost art. I’m not an old (although I’m about to sound like one), but kids these days just don’t read unless it’s the “Twilight” saga. Yes, I read that, but I also read everything I could get my hands on since I was four. My mother, thank God, didn’t think that stealing her Stephen Kings at age six was a good idea. So she’d take me to Crown Books (old!) and I was only allowed to pick books out from the “Classics” section.
I would read the back of the shampoo bottle. Much like with music, I have no shame or taste. I’ll read Dean Koontz while listening to Britney if I want. I’ll read “Vanity Fair” while listening to Chopin. I’ll read Chuck Palahniuk while listening to something intentionally “avant-garde.” So I think I have a pretty good range of reference when it comes to modern-day literature and non-fiction.
Everyone knows “The Great Gatsby” is a great book. Tom Wolfe’s great. But there are some great books that don’t have the reputation they have. So here’s a little list of authors you should get familiar with, if you haven’t. It’s by no means comprehensive, but these are some of the best writers of the last, we’ll say, fifteen years.
Mary Roach
Roach is a non-fiction writer that tackles subjects that she personally finds interesting, like cadavers, or sex. Aren’t we all a little interested in those things? Her books are very funny, and very nerdy-factual. I would marry her. There have been times that I
have literally spit/choked/giggled while reading her books. Don’t bring one on an airplane. Your seatmate will be concerned about your mental health.
Jonathan Franzen
Franzen’s kind of a controversial guy, Oprah debacle aside. Some people love him; some people think he’s absolutely the epitome of navel-gazing, indulgent, latter-day ennui. I like his writing, perhaps because a lot of us are, in fact, experiencing some latter-day ennui ourselves. His books have a steep trajectory; each one is better than the next. He’s Tom Wolfe-esque. Only his slice of life is the upper-middle-class, over-educated and under-sane demographic.
Carolyn Parkhurst
In all honesty, “The Dogs of Babel” is one of my favorite books of all time. Her books address loss, grief, redemption and love (you know, all the little things in life) without veering into chick-lit territory. Her writing is vivid and practically poetic. I’d compare her to Margaret Atwood, but she’s not quite Atwood, either. Sometimes, her books are visceral and heartbreaking. Her voice is really unique, and if you only read one book from this list, read “Dogs.”
Jen Lancaster
Lancaster is equal parts chick lit, sarcastic bitch, and pop-culture analyst. If you read her books, start at the beginning; they’re all memoirs…so reading in that sequence helps. As a bitchy pit bull owner from Chicago, they struck a certain chord with me. Her books are full of snark, and we do love the snark here, so again, be prepared for a decent amount of wine-spitting when you read her books.
Amy Hempel
Hempel is, in many ways, the antithesis of Franzen. She’s a minimalist, and her words are chosen very carefully to elicit readers’ responses without saying very much at all. Her prose is stark and clean but still manages to reverberate in my head long after I’ve finished a story. She writes mostly short stories, and short leaves plenty of room for an echo chamber of feelings and thoughts after reading a piece by her. “The Collected Stories of Amy Hempel” is a great place to start.
So, those are my picks. You’ll definitely disagree (and maybe agree), but I tried to pick just five of the amazing authors out there. There are many honorable mentions, but I’d be remiss if I didn’t list just one:
Kurt Vonnegut
Vonnegut’s main body of work isn’t in the last fifteen years, but he’s easily one of the best, and most prolific, writers of the last fifty years. Satire is effortless for this man. As a nod to our mascot, the honey badger, he doesn’t give a shit. At all. His books lampoon everything from the end of the world to mental illness to modern politics. He makes sci-fi cool. He’s a shameless lefty and atheist. He is just fantastic, funny, and brilliant (yes, I clearly have a crush on a dead man). My introduction to Vonnegut was “The Sirens of Titan,” but you can start anywhere, as long as you keep picking up another Vonnegut book. The world is less amazing without Kurt Vonnegut in it.
So, please share your favorite authors in the comments, and I’ll ferociously defend my choices, as well.
How would the 50 states measure up by GDP if they were individual countries? To give the readers a better idea the Crasstalk infographic team compared the states by GSP (gross state product) to the GDP (gross domestic product) of countries around the world and then mapped those countries onto the states. The data is for 2010 and comes from Wikipedia. The state GSP is mapped to the country with the closest GDP without being higher (Price Is Right rules). The map is courtesy of the US Government’s National Atlas Map Maker.
Our previous infographics are here and here. Top image Wikipedia.
Unfortunately NBC has brewed a mixed bag of bad. While there’s still entertainment to be found in the network’s bread and butter Thursday night comedy lineup, the gangrenous toe seems to be the network’s choice of dramas — and the problems lie exactly where they don’t want them to — in concept and execution. As ratings show, nearly every one of this season’s dramas has either been canceled, see: Outlaw, Undercovers, and Chase, or are getting ever closer to the chopping block, see: The Cape, Law & Order: LA, and The Event.
What are they doing? What’s going wrong?
Despite its best efforts, The Event suffers from an erratic timeline, mediocre acting, lack of central focus, and way too much hype without enough delivery. All combined this is like visual napalm for the viewer. Similarly, NBC’s lauded hero action thriller The Cape is a confused mess of ideas. Is it an action-show or a moving comic? Is it about urban street crime, or nefarious corporations with overseas ties to terrorism? If the show itself is this neurotic imagine what viewers feel watching it.
The USA Network, sister network to NBC interestingly enough, has hit its stride in recent years with such acclaimed shows as Psych, Burn Notice, In Plain Sight, and Royal Pains, which is leaps and bounds ahead of where the once fledgling network started when it was largely known for B-movies and wrestling. So how has the burgeoning giant climbed in ratings while NBC has suffered such a decline?
What USA Does That’s Different
Develops A Fresh Face Approach: USA programs are all about the people at the forefront. Lost is over and done with, and so is answering questions while just creating new ones. This idea is so overworked that it should look stale on paper and never be filmed again. USA programs pride themselves on character development and fresh faces. Psych is about Shawn and Gus’ friendship and banter. Burn Notice is about Mike, Fiona, and Sam’s intersecting loyalty, friendship, and ability to kick-ass as a team. Royal Pains is about Hank and Evan’s sibling rivalry/brotherly love. The people make the shows work.
Truth Nugget: Don’t build up an elaborate house of cards with forgettable characters and hope no one blows the house down.
Looks at the Man in the Mirror: No one has the right answers all the time. Just plopping a perfect pretty face on screen will not endear a character to an audience. There is such a thing as hero-fatigue if our caped crusader isn’t rounded out with enough nuance and sincerity. One-dimensional is, well, what NBC is now. Depth, pains, humanity, fears, flaws and struggle — this is what USA offers. Basically viewers need to care about the characters by identifying with each one’s eccentricities, foibles, and endearments.
Truth Nugget: Patrick Swayze would tell NBC to, “Ga-gung, Ga-gung” and feel their character’s hearts beating in their chest.
Likes a Fish Out of Water: USA characters experience new things for the first time. This means that the audience is experiencing something new for the first time. Aha! Right? The hook and catch to ER’s first episode was young Dr. Carter embarking on his first day. Similarly, many of USA’s character’s are doing something they’ve never encountered before, like concierge doctoring, legal mediating, or being a burned spy. We’re all learning together, see?! NBC may have forgotten this tried and true method, but USA hasn’t.
Truth Nugget: If you’re throwing your character in the deep end — the choice better be to have him or her swim.
Doesn’t Reinvent the Wheel: In each of USA’s programs you’ll see a little bit of what made shows from the 70’s and 80’s great. There’s a little MacGyver and Marcus Welby, Moonlighting, and Three’s Company. The network is also not afraid to pair new stars with some familiar faces, and every now and again you’ll find homage to a successful show of the past, and even appearances from long forgotten actors. Psych‘s recent Twin Peaks episode, which featured stars from the original show, was a great success. Pulling in the likes of veteran actors Sharon Gless (an ex-cop), Corbin Bernsen (an ex-lawyer), Henry Winkler (an ex-Fonz), and Ally Sheedy (an ex-basket case) has assisted in the ratings boon for the network.
Truth Nugget: Going back doesn’t mean you can’t push forward.
Laughs Through the Pain: You know what makes a show that could easily get mired down with heavy drama — light and likable — a joke or two. Yes, USA prides itself on dramas with comedic elements. They don’t take themselves too seriously and are experts at being able to pull an unexpected guffaw from the viewer. The pendulum can swing from high intensity action, or hard-hitting drama, right into a funny gag that lightens and livens the moment.
Truth Nugget: Great banter with a wink and a nod adds depth and makes those moments that could be so serious that they’re almost laughable — palatable.
Packs its Bags: USA gets out of the police station, the hospital, the courtroom, or the busy metropolitan streets, and finds a new place to set up shop. USA’s theory is blue skies, good weather, and fun in the sun. We know NBC can work with a set really well. The NBC comedy lineup is a testament to great set work, but what can it do on location?
Truth Nugget: Hitting the open road is better than closing the door for good.
What is NBC’s Challenge:
Not to mirror themselves after the USA network completely, that would be silly and counterproductive, it is its own network after all, but to perhaps take some notes from a network that succeeds — and well, is actually part of their Comcast-owned family. Thinking outside the box about how to add some quirk, fun, and simplicity to their dramas could make all the difference. The viewers will appreciate it. But more importantly they’ll watch.
We are in week 13 of the never ending story Season 10 of Idol. A DECADE of this, my friends. As the Babylonion rumor goes, 13 is the unluckiest number and that proved to be true for some of our contestants. Fear of the number 13 is called triskaidekaphobia and I think a few Idol contestants now have it. Did you know that many buildings don’t have a 13th floor? The 14th floor has been tricked into thinking that it’s not bad luck but it really is. Anyhoo, this week’s theme was to sing a song by your idol, get it, “Idol” – hahaha so clever. They also choose to allow people who always thought they could rearrange a song better than the original, try and do just that. And with one fell swoop, most of them crushed the dreams of young Idol hopefuls as swiftly as Godzilla destroys a small Japanese city.
The Good:
If there is someone who fits the “modern” Idol profile this year, it’s Pia Toscano. She is gorgeous, ethnically ambiguous and can really, truly sing. I suppose it doesn’t matter that she sang a Celine Dion song that needs to be pulled out of Idol rotation because she nailed it. She couldn’t be safer than Seacrest’s secret closet.
Who does Casey Abrams remind me of – Fozzy Bear? Nah, that’s not it. AH! Taylor Hicks! I mean, without all the of jerky movements and stuff but let’s be real. He can sing, no doubt about it. But when a young guy chooses Joe Cocker as his idol, we’ve got problems. In other words, he may win but he will be singing in bars within two years.
Naima Adedepo certainly beat the Glee version of Umbrella with TV interloper Gwenyth Paltrow. It was fun and funky, right? She was kind of breaking it down a little with the dance moves and the reggae. So whatever. Still, she’s too much with the hair and clothes. It’s like Denise from The Cosby Show meets Punky Brewster. Separately, they are adorable. Together, it looks like she got dressed with the random items she found on her bedroom floor.
Hey James Durbin! Can you hear me with those ears? Okay, anyway. Baby gay Kurt if Kurt ever goes Bowie sang Maybe I’m Amazed by SIR Paul McCartney. It was good, it really was. Maybe he can be one of the Warblers next season and then in a bizarre twist, be Baby gay Kurt’s love interest since he can’t seem to get any action. Dreams, I have them.
It’s just fun to say Thia Megia’s name. It goes so well with the name game, so extra points for her. I’m going out on a limb and say this little newbie may take home the title. The producer of the arrangement should be taken out back and beaten with a Charlie Chaplin cane. Young Thia Megia HATED IT, too. She even cried because she knew that was an utterly ridiculous arrangement of Smile. As a general rule, if you make a girl cry, you suck. If you also single-handedly end her dreams, you should never work in this town again!
The Pageant:
It looks like Idol got a new sponsor this year. A couple actually: Claire’s Accessories and Cache (were is my accent aigu key?). Coke, Claire’s and Cache are the hallmark of any good Miss Blue Bell pageant and now, Idol.
Hailey Reinhart will steal your boyfriend. Doesn’t she just give you that vibe? She decided to roll out in a evening gown and yodel Blue, which I’m sure her handlers Jimmy Cricket and Dusti thought was such a good idea! I know Idol may as well be a Miss America pageant but you aren’t supposed to make it that obvious. She thanked the audience for letting her perform at the State Fair.
Last week Randy called Ashton Jones a young Diana Ross and even I could hear Miss Ross’ screams from the depths of Malibu. Randy is the only judge that makes sense this year (think about that!), but he should be fired for that comment. Ashton Jones is no Diana Ross. She isn’t even close. I’ve seen and heard drag queens that are more Diana Ross than Ashton Jones. Take it back right now, Randy. Right fucking now. But it’s too late. It’s already gone to Ashton’s head and so out she came in her little Cache dress singing a Diana Ross song that about 10 people know. She also thanked the audience for clapping at the end of her song. She really grates on my nerves, so let’s move on.
Poor little Lauren Alaina. Take a tip from Faith Hill and “just breathe!”. Carrie Junior was so cotton-pickin’ nervous that she just tromped all over that stage all short of breath and a crooning that she didn’t get the chance to really flex those pipes. The judges comments were SUPER awkward. The old lady’s were met with dead silence. I mean, there were crickets in that place. In an attempt to fill the space, Jenny from the Block said that “the competition starts today.” What? I thought it started like, 7 weeks ago? Little Lauren has a strong voice, though, and she thanked the audience, too (seeing a trend?).
Karen Rodriguez/Selena/J.Lo doing Selenazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. I’m sorry was I saying something. She and Hailey are probably busy cutting holes in each other’s outfits and putting cayenne pepper each other’s panties. She’s only 21 years old and looks like a newscaster on Univision. There’s really not much more to say beyond that.
This season’s Clay Gaiken aka Scotty McCreery, choose a Garth motherfucking Brooks song. Just hearing the name Garth Brooks makes me want fight a hobo thinking back to Brooks’ reign of terror over this country in the 90’s. I want to run into a bomb shelter and make it all go away whenever I hear his name. I’m pretty sure Sail My Vessel is a euphemism for something really, really dirty. But our little Stewie Griffin is winning the heart of Aunt Keeks (love you, RL!) and that is going to carry him far into this little competition.
The Rest:
Paul McCreepster. I have to be honest, I had to fast forward within two notes of him singing. I also needed to go get my rape whistle and check my drink for a roofie. He’s SO been in L.A. for so long and SO ready to get his big break. He’s over-styled, over-verneered and over-selling it. He’s like that Sugar Ray douchecopter. I will not be surprised to hear that he has already had a recording contract in the past. Not at all.
Jacob Lusk choose to say, out loud, that R. Kelly is his idol. Never, ever do that again. Don’t talk, just sing. Is there a choir bat-signal that goes up every time someone sings “I Believe I Can Fly?” He is this season’s over-singer but he makes his performances enjoyable in one way or another.
David Archuletta Stephano Langone: RAGE! Who is doing these awful arrangements. Lately is a soulful R & B classic, not an oonze, oonze club mix. Stop.
Bottom 3: McCreepster, Ashton, and probably Thia but in no way is that her fault. Going home: please let it be McCreepster.
Author’s note: Hat tip to all those who have previously tried to recap a show. This is more difficult I imagined. You can eat my post for lunch in case you can’t get away from your desk. I’ll even pass the Cholula.