The Des Moines Register has endorsed Mitt Romney for president. This is their first endorsement of a Republican presidential candidate since the spectacularly successful presidency of sweaty felon Richard Nixon.
The endorsement was not without controversy, according to reports, with considerable whiskey-fueled shouting coming from the editorial offices. “Mr Romney exudes a virile, Nixonian charm, a heady can-do musk that will get this country back to work,” the endorsement drunkenly opines. The logic-free piece praises President Obama’s stimulus package, rambles a bit, and then asserts that consumer and business confidence will rise through a magical, unexplained process if Nixon Romney is elected.
The Des Moines endorsement also praises Romney’s past ability to compromise with Democrats in the Massachusetts legislature. It should be noted, then, that the newspaper is endorsing the quasi-moderate governor of a decade ago. During the primary campaign, Romney described himself as “severely conservative,” but Des Moines Register spokespeople stressed that they were not endorsing that particular iteration of Romney’s electoral software. “God, no!” a member of the editorial board stated off the record. “That Mitt Romney was terrible. To be clear, we are endorsing a version of Mitt Romney that would also have a kind of 80s-style Democratic congress that he could compromise and get things done with. Not some kooky GOP congress that would give him crazy crap to sign. God. That would be awful. We want the guy that CREATED the original Obamacare, not the whacko that wants to destroy it. We’re endorsing Good Romney. Just like with Nixon. We endorsed Good Nixon, not, you know. The Nixon we actually ended up with.”
The Des Moines endorsement noted that “the real Mitt Romney is the one on display as governor of Massachusetts who passed a health care reform plan that became the model for the one passed by Congress.” When asked if the Register was also endorsing Romney’s running mate, conservative congressman Paul Ryan, who has no such credentials, the staffer replied, “wait? what?” Presumably, Paul Ryan was chosen by some false Romney, possibly an evil clone who imprisoned the real Romney in the Nega-zone. Exactly when, after the GOP convention, Romney campaign scientists were able to free the real Romney and re-imprison the evil clone, was not entirely clear.
The Des Moines Register also posted an editorial condemning Indiana GOP senate candidate Richard Mourdock as a dangerous extremist. Mitt Romney, the Des Moines Register’s preferred candidate for president, has enthusiastically endorsed dangerous extremist Richard Mourdock. Mourdock, whom the Des Moines Register has called “a dangerous extremist,” is the only senate candidate that any of the versions of Romney have made ads for. In the ad, some sort of Romney–presumably evil negative-universe Romney–describes Mourdock as the crucial 51st vote in quashing any of the kinds of things the Des Moines Register’s endorsement is hoping for in a Romney administration.
Please share your fondest memories of Des Moines, Nixon, or the Romney multiverse in the comments.
