Warner Bros thinks it’s possible the Oscars don’t need any more nutty dreamscapes; Sony Pictures believes Die Hard is meant for summer; Jennifer Lawrence maybe finds a Woody Allen (Yikes); Lindsay Lohan sleeps into a movie role; Madonna and Elton, that is all.
Well, whaddya know, Warner Bros may just think Baz Luhrmann’s big, splashy gilded cherry tree of a maniacal whizz-bang, zoom-a-poof-n-pants fairytale story, The Great Gatsby starring wet cat face, Leonardo DiCaprio, could be a flopping fish on the side of a boat careening down the Niagara Falls. Why else would they decide to pull it from its December 2012 release date (decidedly Oscar Bait) and move it to summer 2013 where it will be folded into the mess of superhero movies and fitzy, fluffy, goofy dramas no one will remember come September? We think because after viewing the trailer which was like some sort of acid trip set to a Jay-Z soundtrack inexplicably, they may not think it’s strong enough for the Oscar race despite the studio’s press release which hails the movie as an “incredible work” and “We think moviegoers of all ages are going to embrace it, and it makes sense to ensure this unique film reaches the largest audience possible.” HA! Really? You guys think people ready to crunch popcorn and drink their huge-tubo-dranks while all primed for space robots and car chases are going to turn to each other and say, “Aren’t you so glad we spent a glorious sunny summer day watching this Leo DiCaprio jazzmatazz?” Oh, Warner Bros. You guys slay us. [Deadline]
And in less shocking news, Sony Pictures has decided that their “Die Hard in the White House” movie, White House Down starring Channing GrooveCheeks Tatum, will move from November 1, 2013 to June 28, 2013. Not only does it make perfect sense to move something called White House Down to the summer slogfest, but they’re doing so as not to conflict with a similarly themed movie called Olympus Has Fallen, which stars Gerard Butler and Aaron Eckhart. Not that the latter actors have been so impressive lately that they could hit it out of the action park without a hiccup or two, but I think we’d take a better chance on these guys saving the country, than watching Tatum have a Yippee-Kai-Yay-Watch-Me-Clench moment. The best thing about Willis’ Die Hard was that he was an ordinary Joe — not a beefcake eye-winker. Can you imagine Bruce shaking his moneymaker? [Deadline]
Jennifer Lawrence, our newest superstar ingénue is being courted to star in The Ends Of The Earth, the newly acquired film by The Weinstein Company, about a powerful oil tycoon Ernest Marland, who has everything stripped from him after he is caught in an affair with Lydie, his adopted daughter. Whoa. This sounds like a meaty role for Lawrence. We haven’t seen much by the way of anyone playing a real life Soon-Yi, so this may be a bit of a first. Given the amount of talent this relative newbie has shown in quiet, thrilling, yet full of heft and dark roles like Winter’s Bone, we don’t doubt that she can pull it off. [Deadline]
In an ensemble that sounds like some sort of “Sober House” experiment, Lindsay Lohan will join Ashley Tisdale and Charlie Sheen in Scary Movie 5: We’ll Just Name This One “Poop”. There really isn’t much to say about this since these Scary Movie spoof things aren’t really movies, they’re more like really bad comic shorts put on by the local junior college. So far Lohan doesn’t have a character description which could either mean they haven’t devised one yet, or they’ll just crash her trailer onto the set one day and however she exits is what they’ll shoot. One set of fake eyelashes, a purple bathrobe covered in lipstick, Chicken Chow Mein, and bong water — Whatever! Not sure what the difference could possibly be. [THR]
In the greatest bitchoff of all things ever, Queen Mercury, Elton John, has taken to cutting down Queen Godiva Hors d’oeuvre, Madonna, yet again. This time for being an aging pop star, because as Queen Mercury, only Elton can decide who has what it takes to one day sit ass cheek to ass cheek on a throne at the same level of high ground as he. Really these two are like the most fabulous Oz witches of the East and West we’ve ever witnessed. Queen Mercury has said of Queen Godiva Hors d’oeuvre, “She’s such a nightmare. Her career is over, I can tell you that. Her tour is a disaster and it couldn’t happen to a bigger c—. If Madonna had any common sense, she would have made a record like Ray of Light, stayed away from the dance stuff and just been a great pop singer and made great pop records, which she does brilliantly, but no, she had to prove that she was like …,” he continued, not specifying. “And she looks like a fucking fairground stripper.” Um, okay. We’ll just say that we love Madonna of old. She was and is still an icon, but “fairground stripper” warms the snarky cockles of our hearts (snarkles?). Well played, Queen Mercury. Seriously, though. Don’t you get the notion that these two would probably be the best, bitchiest, most sensational BFF’s ever? Like the way they would probably talk about Gaga and Rihanna, and that fucking Dorothy from Oz toadstool, Katy Perry! Bury the beef. You’re so much stronger together! [THR]
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